Kane: Have you changed your mind yet?
It’s the same message I’ve gotten from Kane every single day since I arrived home three days ago. In fact, it’s the only message I’ve gotten from him.
I stare at the screen of my phone for a long time, wondering if I have changed my mind. Am I actually considering this as a possibility? I mean, Italy. Never mind anything else. Wouldn’t it be idiotic to turn something like this down?
I have the ability to go. I don’t technically have a job yet and thanks to Kam I already have my passport and all the things required to travel outside of the country. We had been talking about going somewhere exotic to celebrate college graduation during the weeks leading up to the ceremony. Kam had his heart set on Mexico whereas I just wanted to be with him. It didn’t matter where we ended up. And since that trip never happened, maybe this is my chance to get away…
Don’t be stupid, Elara. I scold myself.
Yes, the offer is tempting. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t laid in bed imagining what a trip like that could be like the last couple of nights. To be able to just disappear for a while. Exist in a completely different place where there are no memories, no ghosts, no past following me around. A place where I can let all of that go and focus on me for a while.
I could go see where my family comes from. I could try new foods and sight see. I could meet new people and experience a different way of life.
Am I talking myself into this?
I wish I could say that going to Italy is the only thing weighing on my mind but that wouldn’t be the truth. I’ve also thought about Kane, a lot. I’ve thought about what it would be like to go away with him. About what he’s really like when he lets someone in. I’ve imagined us walking the streets of Italy, eating dinner together, stopping in little local shops so I can buy things for my Dad and Aunt Carol.
It’s picture perfect and yet it just doesn’t quite fit. Maybe it’s because Kane isn’t Kamden. Maybe it’s because after everything I don’t feel like I deserve something like this. Or maybe it’s because deep down I know how insane it would be to pick up and fly half way across the world with a man I don’t really know.
Then again, I’ve always been known to push the boundaries. Why stop now?
Remember what happened the last time you got a crazy idea, El. Kamden’s voice is clear in my mind, almost like he’s sitting right next to me… Like I need the reminder.
I shake off the thought, dropping my phone face down on the table in front of me.
“Everything okay?” my dad asks, pulling my attention to where he’s sitting directly across from me, slicing his steak with a knife that appears to be too dull. “You were staring at your phone pretty intensely there.” He points his fork in the direction of the device.
“Yeah, fine.” I shrug, poking at my baked potato.
“You know, you’re as bad of a liar as your mother was.” He chuckles, waiting until I meet his gaze before continuing, “She could never make eye contact when she was lying. Gave her away every time. So tell me, peanut, what’s on that phone that has you looking so conflicted.”
“You’d think I was crazy if I told you.”
“Try me.” He smiles, the wrinkles around his deep brown eyes seeming to have multiplied overnight. Not that they haven’t been there for a long time but I just now seem to be noticing how much my father has aged.
“Does it have to do with a boy?” he asks when I still haven’t said anything. His inquiry makes me feel like I’m sixteen years old all over again.
“It’s complicated,” I admit, setting my fork next to my plate.
“A boy you like?” he pushes, giving me that knowing dad smirk.
“That’s a hard question to answer,” I admit. “It’s not really like that.”
“Then what’s it like?”
“It’s Kamden’s older brother, Kane.” I sigh. “He made me an offer and while I think it would be insane to accept it, I’m having a hard time justifying why I shouldn’t. Does that make sense?”
“Depends on the offer.” My dad gives me an encouraging smile.
“He asked me to go to Italy with him,” I blurt, the statement sounding even more absurd out loud.
“Oh.” He straightens his posture. “I didn’t realize you two were that close.”
“We’re not. That’s the problem.”
“I’m confused.” He scratches his chin like he’s not really sure what to say.
“Trust me, so am I.” I laugh, taking a drink of my tea before setting the glass back down.
“So a boy you don’t know…”
“He’s hardly a boy, Dad,” I interrupt.
“Excuse me.” He clears his throat. “So a man you don’t really know has offered to take you to Italy and you’re unsure of whether or not you should go?” he asks it like a question.
“Well it wouldn’t be like you’re thinking. I would simply go with him but I wouldn’t necessarily be there with him. If that makes sense.”
“I really should be better at speaking female at this point but, honey, I really have no idea what that means.” He chuckles.
“He’s going there for business. I would be tagging along and get to do my own thing while we’re there. He will be working and I will be doing, well whatever I want to do. And before you say it again, no, I don’t know him well. But I do know him well enough to know I’d be safe with him.”
“How long would you be gone?” he asks, catching me a bit off guard. I expected him to slam his fist down on the table and forbid me from going anywhere, not that that’s my dad’s style.
He’s always been the rational, laid back one. It was my mom that was the unpredictable spit fire. Wonder where I get it from…
“I’m not really sure. I didn’t really ask any details,” I answer. “I shot him down pretty quickly and up until now haven’t really entertained the idea as a real possibility.”
“Then what’s changed?”
“I’m not sure,” I admit.
“Maybe getting away wouldn’t be such a bad thing.” My dad gives me a soft smile. “You’ve been through a lot, Elara. Maybe some time away will be exactly what you need.”
“What I need is to get a job and start living my life as an adult.”
“You don’t need to start living your life, Elara, you’re already living it. And if you’re not careful it will pass you right on by. Trust me, I know. Opportunities like this don’t come around every day. If you like this man and you trust him, then I say go for it.”
“Seriously?” I look at my father like he’s sprouted five more heads.
“Seriously.” He drops his napkin on the table and stands. “Stay here for a second,” he says moments before disappearing from the dining room.
I’m still trying to process his words when he reappears holding a huge photo album. Crossing around the table, he takes a seat next to me, sliding my plate out of the way as he opens the album between us.
“What’s this?” I ask, leaning over to look at the multiple pictures that line the page in front of me.
“This is the trip your mother and I took to Italy three months after we met.” He smiles, running his finger across a picture of him and my mother standing on a hill, backed by the bluest water I think I’ve ever seen.
“Wait, I thought you went to Italy on your honeymoon.”
“We did. We also went when we first started dating,” he says, his gaze locked on a very young looking version of my mother.
She looks so happy. So beautiful. So free.
“She thought I was crazy when I asked her too.”
“But you guys were a couple. This is completely different. I hardly know Kane.”
“Dating worked a little different back then. In reality, your mother and I didn’t really know each other all that well either. Your grandfather was very strict and even though your mother was eighteen when we met, the first few weeks of our relationship was spent under his watchful eye. I think maybe that’s why I came up with the idea to get away in the first place. My grandparents still had property there so I only had to rustle up enough money for two plane tickets and for us to eat for a few days.” He smiles, losing himself to the memory.
“Your mother thought I had lost my marbles. She flat out refused to go with me. But, after a couple of days I was able to convince her.”
“How’d you do that?”
“I told her I loved her.”
“And she just couldn’t resist.” I smile, loving listening to my dad talk about my mom, a woman he loved more than anything on the face of this earth.
“No one can resist the Menten charm, peanut.” He winks, turning his gaze back down to the photo album. “I know the circumstances are different but those two weeks in Italy were some of the best your mother had. This isn’t about anything but you. Honey, if you’re given the opportunity to do something like this, you have to take it. Otherwise you’ll end up regretting all the things you never did. Wouldn’t you rather know?”
“You make it all sound so easy.”
“Take it from an old man, some things really are that easy. We just tend to overcomplicate everything.”
“You’re hardly old, Dad.” I knock my shoulder against his, earning me a wide smile. “Look, hardly any gray.” I point to his thick head of dark hair teasingly.
“You are so your mother’s daughter.” He chuckles before falling serious again. “You’ve been through a lot recently, El. And in reality, so has Kane. You lost your best friend but he lost his brother. Maybe this will be somewhat of a healing experience for both of you.”
“But I just got home. What about the job at the newspaper? I’m supposed to be an adult now. You know; job, house, all the things adults are supposed to have.”
“You’ve got your whole life to be an adult, Elara. All of those things will be here when you get back.”
“You really think I should do this?” I can’t believe the turn this conversation has taken. Here I expected my father to talk me out of even considering it. Instead he’s practically pushing me into it face first.
“I do.” He stands, sliding the photo album directly in front of me. “If you don’t believe me, ask your mother,” he says, gesturing to a picture of her smiling on the steps leading up to a tall, mustard yellow house.
Leaning over he lays a soft kiss to my head before grabbing our plates and disappearing into the kitchen.
I spend the next several minutes looking through the contents of a photo album I didn’t even know existed. There are tons of pictures of my mom. In each one she’s smiling, the action so easy and natural that her happiness radiates from all around her.
I always thought my mom was beautiful; tall and thin with long blonde hair and blue eyes that matched the sky, but seeing her like this, as a woman and not just my mother, I’m starting to see her in an entirely different light.
I imagine what it would be like to see all the places she saw, touch the things she touched, and stand in the very place she stood all those years ago. And the more I think about it the more my answer becomes clearer.
Without putting anymore thought into it, I pick up my phone and unlock it, Kane’s message still pulled up on the screen. I type out a quick response, my thumb hovering over the send button for several long moments.
Do I or don’t I?
Am I really going to go to Italy? And if so do I really want to go with Kane? I could always book my own trip – though lord knows I certainly can’t afford something like that right now. Who knows if I ever will be able to.
My dad’s right. I get one chance. I’ve never been afraid to take a chance before and I’m certainly not going to start now. I need to feel like Elara again instead of this hollow skin I’ve been walking around in since losing Kam. And that means I need to act like Elara again.
I pull in a deep breath and push send, watching my own message appear on the screen below Kane’s just seconds later.
Me: I’m in.
His response comes almost instantly.
Kane: Are you messing with me?
Me: I said I’m in, didn’t I? Unless you’ve changed your mind.
My stomach swirls with doubt. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe he really did ask me never expecting I’d say yes.
Kane: Not a chance.
His response calms the nervous energy buzzing through me slightly but it’s not enough to get rid of it completely.
Me: How long will we be gone?
Kane: About four weeks. Give or take a few days.
Me: Four weeks?
Holy shit. Four weeks in Italy with Kane Thaler? What the hell did I just agree to?
Kane: You can’t back out now. I’ve already bought your ticket.
Me: That quickly?
Kane: I purchased it two days ago.
Me: Why would you do that?
Kane: Because I knew you’d come.
Me: There’s no way you could have known that.
Kane: Okay, so maybe I just hoped you would.
Me: I can’t believe I just agreed to this.
I take a deep breath, typing out another quick message before he can respond.
Me: When do we leave?
Kane: Sunday night. I’ll meet you at Arkansas International Airport on Saturday and we can catch a flight back to Chicago from there. We’ll leave for Italy from Chicago on Sunday.
Me: We’re going to Chicago first?
Kane: I kind of need to pack.
Me: Oh yeah, right, of course. Tell me what time and I can book my plane ticket to Chicago.
Kane: Already done.
Me: What? How?
Kane: I’m all over this. Flight leaves for Chicago Saturday at eleven a.m. which is about an hour after my flight is scheduled to land in Arkansas so we should be good.
Dear lord this man wastes no time. Which is the exact opposite of Kam who was so laid back at times. In those moments, getting him to do anything was like pulling teeth. I honestly loved that about him though, except when we were trying to plan anything. Hence why our trip we were trying to plan still hadn’t happened a month after graduation.
And then the accident happened…
I push the thought away, not willing to let myself go there right now.
Me: You have to let me pay for myself.
Even though I know I don’t have the money to pay for everything, I’d feel better if he at least let me pay for my own plane tickets.
Kane: You’re my guest. And before you object again, know that ninety-five percent of this trip will be covered by my contract.
I think over that for a moment, not sure if that’s actually the truth or if he’s only saying that so I don’t fight him on it. Kam used to always pull the same crap with me. Sometimes it’s hard to separate the two in my mind.
Me: That depends. Is it the truth?
Kane: One thing I will never do is lie to you, Elara.
I stare at that message for several beats, somehow able to envision him saying those words to me. How his dark eyes would narrow in on my face as if I’ve seen him do it a million times before even though I haven’t.
Is it weird that I feel like I know Kane a lot more than I should? Or am I just too busy comparing him to Kamden to see I don’t actually know him at all?
The thought is more than a little unnerving.
Me: Good.
I finally type a response, not sure what else to say.
Kane: I will see you Saturday, Elara.
Me: Sounds good. See you Saturday.
Setting the phone back down on the table, I let out a nervous laugh, not able to wrap my head around what I just did. And even though every part of me is filled with uncertainty, I also can’t bring myself to regret it.
Because no matter what happens tomorrow or the day after or the day after that, I never want to look back at my life and feel like I didn’t live it to the absolute fullest. I feel like I owe it to Kamden to do something with the time I’ve been given that he was robbed of.
At the end of the day we never know which moment will be our last. Nothing is guaranteed – especially not tomorrow. Kam’s death taught me that above all else.