I feel the bed sink next to me as Kane climbs in. I won’t deny the disappointment that seeps through me when he rolls to his side, his back facing me, and doesn’t say a word. But with that disappointment also comes relief. I don’t trust my head or my heart right now, especially after that kiss. A kiss I can still feel lingering on my lips even though it’s been well over thirty minutes since it happened.
If Kane’s behavior afterward tells me anything, it’s that he’s just as conflicted about whatever is happening between us as I am. Sometimes I can’t get the fact that he’s Kam’s older brother out of my head. Other times I find myself forgetting they have any relation at all.
Because even though Kane and Kam are very similar in a lot of ways, the more time I spend with Kane the more I realize that they are two completely separate people and comparing them is not fair to me or either of them.
And as much as I tell myself that I’m glad Kane chose his current position, the longer I lay here staring at his back, the less I’m able to believe the lie. I want to reach out and touch him. I want to wrap my arm around his middle and snuggle up behind him. I want to roll him over and finish what we started earlier. But instead I do none of those things. Not a single one.
It takes me a long time to find sleep and when I finally do, I dream of nothing but dark eyes and soft lips pressed against mine.
****
I wake with a start, blinking against the bright sun that filters into the room through the open terrace. I push up on my elbows, catching sight of Kane’s bare back as he leans against the rail looking out over the sparkling sea below.
Was he shirtless when he crawled in bed with me last night?
I try to rummage through the memories but can’t seem to pinpoint one way or another. It was dark and I never touched him, so I guess I wouldn’t exactly know. I will say this, if he did sleep next to me with no shirt on, I’m sure as hell glad I didn’t notice.
I allow my eyes to trail down his firm, sculpted back. This man has a body that says he spends hours in the gym and yet from what I can tell, he hasn’t touched one since we’ve been here. Then again he’s always up and dressed well before I am. Maybe he visits the little gym at the apartment complex where we’re staying before I get out of bed. Who knows?
God I’m a total slacker.
Throwing back the covers, I quickly climb from the bed. It creaks under the movement and by the time I get myself upright, Kane has turned toward me, a small smile pulling at his lips.
Okay, so he’s not upset like he seemed last night. That’s a good sign.
“Mornin’, babe.” He raises a coffee cup to his lips and takes a small sip as he rests his shoulder against the door frame.
Mornin’, babe.
My knees instantly go weak.
“Morning,” I force out, pointing to the cup in his hand. “Where can I get me one of those?”
“Downstairs.” He smiles. “Why don’t you get some clothes on and we can go down and grab a bite to eat. They’ve got quite the spread down there.”
“You didn’t go down like that, did you?” I point to his bare chest, thinking of all the women he probably passed that had to grab onto something to keep themselves upright at the sight of him.
“And if I did?” He cocks a brow at me.
“Then you probably gave poor Ms. McGreevy a heart attack.” I grin, referring to the sweet woman in her late sixties who owns the B&B.
“She didn’t have any complaints.” His smile widens and the flutter in my stomach hits me with a force that nearly knocks me backward onto the bed.
“I’m sure she didn’t,” I mutter, my eyes scanning the length of him. “Even still, I’m not going anywhere with you until you put on a shirt.”
“Why? By the way you’re looking at me I’d say you rather enjoy the view.” He’s joking and I’m not sure if he realizes just how true his statement actually is.
“Yeah, my point exactly,” I say, surprising us both before quickly stepping into the bathroom and closing the door, determined not to embarrass myself any further.
****
Kane doesn’t mention the kiss from last night and neither do I, even though it’s all I’ve been able to think about since it happened.
We enjoy a beautiful breakfast that includes fresh fruit, biscuits, bread, and about five different flavors of jam. And of course the coffee, which is absolutely to die for. I’ve never had such delicious coffee and I told Mrs. McGreevy so before we headed back up to our room. A truth that seemed to thoroughly make her day.
“How long do you think it will take you to get ready?” Kane asks the moment we reenter our room and the door closes behind us.
“Why? You got somewhere to be?” I question, lifting my bag off the floor and depositing it on the bed.
“We have somewhere to be,” he corrects.
“Where?” I ask, this being the first time he’s mentioned any real plans.
“It’s a surprise.” He smiles at me and another whoosh runs through me.
“I hate surprises,” I inform him, mainly because it’s true.
“Something I knew about you already.” He nods.
“And yet you planned a surprise anyway?” I question, looking up from the contents of my bag to him.
“I like to go against the grain.” His smile spreads and try as I may, I can’t fight my own from spreading across my lips too. “Now, how long do you think it will take you to get ready?” he repeats his earlier question.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Twenty minutes.”
“Perfect.” He nods, passing by me to retrieve his bag from the opposite side of the bed. “Wear something comfortable. Shorts or jeans. Tennis shoes for sure.”
“Okay.” I eye him warily, wondering what on earth he has up his sleeve.
After the way he went to bed last night I wasn’t sure what I’d wake up to this morning. I’m happy to see that whatever happened after that kiss seems to have passed, but now I’m even more anxious than I was before. Mainly because all I can think about is kissing him again and that is so not good.
Within two minutes he’s already slipped on a pair of jeans and a plain gray tee, looking like a million dollars with next to no effort while I’m still trying to decide what the hell to wear.
“You’re down to eighteen minutes,” he says, stopping right next to me. His deodorant or cologne or a combination of the two instantly washes over me and I find myself closing my eyes for the briefest moment while I breathe him in.
God he smells so good.
“Seventeen,” he says, standing much closer now.
My eyes snap open and I suck in a sharp breath from his sudden nearness.
“Well I can’t get ready with you standing in my face,” I spit out, proud of myself for holding my crap together.
“Sixteen and a half.” He grins, dropping a light kiss to my temple before quickly stepping into the bathroom.
My god this man…
Whiplash doesn’t even begin to cover the way his behavior is making me feel. Hot, cold, hot, cold. And to think, I’ve got nearly three more weeks of this before we’re scheduled to go home.
And what’s even worse, just the thought of leaving makes me want to curl into a ball and sob uncontrollably. I’m nowhere close to ready to go home. Honestly, I don’t know if I ever will be.
****
“I don’t think I can do this.” Looking up at Kane, I’m fearful I might lose the contents of my stomach at any moment.
“Come on, Elara. You said you’ve always wanted to try it,” he reminds me, gesturing to the small plane to our right.
“Did. Did want to try it. As in don’t anymore.”
“You’re just nervous. Come on, it’s going to be incredible,” he assures me, turning toward our instructor for the day without giving me a chance to say more.
After nearly an hour of instruction and watching a short video which–thank god–was available in English, we both suited up and climbed aboard a small plane with two other divers who would be doing tandem jumps with us.
The whole time I kept telling myself there was no way Kane would go through with this. In my mind I kept envisioning Kam who would always talk me out of doing anything even remotely dangerous. But as I’ve come to realize very clearly over the last few days, Kane is not like Kam in this regard. And as the plane levels out and everything starts to unfold, I realize very quickly that he is in fact going to jump and apparently, so am I.
Kane smiles next to me, giving my hand a soft squeeze of encouragement as the instructors prepare us for our jump.
“Kane–” I start but he instantly cuts me off.
“You wanted to find the old Elara,” he reminds me, his voice loud so I can hear him over the noise of the plane. “She’s still in there. I know she is. This is how we do it. You don’t tip toe, you don’t hide. You throw yourself out of a plane and remember what it is to be alive.” With that, he turns and within seconds the door opens and he disappears through it, leaving me with nothing but his words whirling around in my head.
I don’t even process the events happening around me. All I know is when Scott, my tandem diver, hollers ready into my ear, I feel like my heart is seconds away from exploding.
I want to scream no, tell him I can’t do this, but my words are ripped back into my throat when he leans forward and all of a sudden we are free falling through the open sky. It takes me several seconds to find my ability to breathe, the sudden fall sucking the wind right from my body. But eventually I do. Eventually I find more than just my breath.
The feeling hits me full force. The same feeling I spent my whole life chasing. The pump of the adrenaline through my veins. The rapid thumping of my heart in my chest. The feeling of being alive.
I close my eyes and open my arms, smiling into the force of the wind that presses against my face. This is what I’ve been looking for. This is what I’ve been missing. This is it. And Kane knew it. Somehow he knew exactly what I needed and he knew without ever having to ask. He knew this because he paid attention. Because he listened to Kam when he spoke about me and because he’d been listening to me for days.
My heart swells with this knowledge. The knowledge that even despite everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve done, there’s someone on this Earth that still cares enough to listen. That cares enough to pay attention. That cares enough to want to help me heal as badly as I want to heal him.
As Scott instructs me on the land, I see Kane standing several feet away. I brace for impact, certain I’m seconds away from eating the earth, when Scott leans back and his feet hit the ground running.
I’m pulling at my straps trying to get free the moment we come to a stop. Urgency that I haven’t felt in a very long time is driving through me. Scott helps me shed my restraints and the instant I’m free, I’m sprinting across the open field toward Kane.
He can see my smile before I reach him. I know because his smile matches the one I’m wearing. I don’t slow down when I get close. Instead I launch myself into Kane’s arms with so much force he stumbles back a good two feet before finally regaining his balance.
“That was incredible,” I squeal, legs wrapped around his waist, arms locked around his neck as I stare into his dark eyes.
Then I do something I never thought I’d find myself doing. I lean forward and press my lips to his. Not soft and careful like last night, but a full on frontal assault, our tongues tangling and hands roaming. Every part of my body is high on adrenaline from both the jump and the man whose arms it feels almost too good to be in.
Kane finally breaks away, his breathing ragged, his eyes darker than they’ve ever been as they find mine and hold tight. “Elara.”
“Thank you.” I drop my forehead to his, one hand on each side of his face.
“I’d do anything to have you look at me the way you’re looking at me right now,” he says, straight to the point, no bullshit.
“The jury is in,” I mutter against his lips, dipping my face back down to press a light kiss to the corner of his mouth. I know he knows exactly what I’m talking about.
“Is that so?” He pulls back and meets me with a heart stopping smile. “And what’s the verdict?”
“So much better than I expected.”
If I thought the smile he was giving me moments ago was heart stopping, then the one he’s giving me now is powerful enough to stop the world from spinning.
“I’m not done yet,” he tells me, gently setting me to my feet as Scott and Rick approach where we’re standing.
I don’t have time to learn what’s next because shortly after we’re picked up in an old pickup truck and taken back to the airstrip we took off from. Kane holds my hand the entire time, smiling at me whenever our eyes meet.
By the time we’re back in the rental and heading toward our next destination, I feel like I’ve died and gone straight to heaven. And while it’s impossible not to get caught up in everything happening around me– Kane, Italy, skydiving, all of it–a small part of me is still hanging onto the hint of guilt that has buried itself deep in the pit of my gut.
I’m starting to believe it will always be there and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t deserve worse than that. But even with such dark thoughts seeping in, they don’t put a marginal damper on my day. And that has everything to do with the man sitting next to me.
The man whose smile makes me blind to the world. The man whose kiss makes me feel something I have never felt before. The man whose eyes are currently locked right on mine, telling me he feels it to.