“Hi, honey. Dad’s here if you’re ready to eat.” My mom peeks her head into my childhood bedroom where I’m lounging on the bed with my laptop resting across my legs.
“Yeah, give me a couple minutes and I’ll be down.”
She nods, giving me a soft smile before disappearing into the hallway.
I hate being home.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents more than anything but it’s so fucking depressing in this house. My poor mother is running on fumes. She barely eats or sleeps and I’ve caught her crying at least a handful of times in the couple of days since I arrived home to visit.
I can’t imagine what it must be like for her or my father; losing a child. Sometimes I feel like they wished it was me that had died instead of Kamden. He was the glue, the life, the goofy one that made everyone laugh at the dinner table with his ridiculous jokes and contagious smile. Now it feels empty and quiet and no matter how hard I try, I can’t make it better.
Because I’m not my brother.
Elara’s face flashes through my mind at the thought and instantly a sick feeling settles into the pit of my stomach.
I’ve thought about her way too much over the past few weeks.
After the night of the funeral I woke up in an absolute panic. I don’t know what caused it or why, but I knew if I didn’t get out of here that instant I was going to cave under the weight steadily building in my chest.
I thought maybe once I put some distance between me and this place, between me and Elara, that I would be able to breathe again. I was wrong. It only got worse the more days that passed until I knew I had to see her again.
As soon as I got back into town I went to see Kam, desperate to talk it out. But there she was, just like that day on the beach. It’s like something beyond either of our control is pushing us together. Or someone…
I’ve never been so consumed by a woman before, but I’m having trouble separating if it’s her or if it’s her connection to my brother that is driving those feelings. And I desperately need to figure that out. Because I feel like I’m all twisted up over her and I have no fucking clue why. I don’t even know her.
And it’s not like I’m one to shy away from women. If I want something, I go for it. That simple. But with Elara it’s different. She’s not just any other girl. She’s Kamden’s girl. And even though he’s gone that still means something to me.
I do find some comfort in the fact that the two were never actually together. My attraction to her feels like less of a betrayal somehow. But I still have this nagging guilt that keeps me up at night. Haunted by the voice in my head that tells me I’m only going to make this worse.
Watching her at the funeral was like watching a beautiful tragedy play out in front of my eyes. I was riveted. Absolutely consumed. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her for more than a few seconds at a time.
It was simply by chance that I ran into her at the beach that day. I went there in an effort to feel closer to my brother. What I found was so much more than that.
There’s something about Elara that lights me on fire. I knew it from the very first moment I laid eyes on her that she was something special. But now it goes beyond the physical attraction to a much deeper place – a place that desperately longs to connect to anything.
I guess that’s why I invited her to Italy the way I did. I hadn’t even nailed down the contract, yet there I was insisting she come with me. And even though she flat out refused, a part of me knew she’d change her mind.
Maybe it’s because I feel like I know her, given how much Kam talked about her, or maybe it’s because I know, like me, she’s desperate for anything to make her feel less of what she’s currently feeling. I also think she’s just as curious about me as I am about her. It makes sense I guess. The two people who were closest to Kam. We’re bound to have some type of connection. Only this isn’t just about Kam. At least not for me anyway.
Again, I wanted her the first time I saw her. If not for Kam I would have made a move on her the night of his graduation party. If for no other reason but to have her in my bed. But because I love my brother and he loved her, I backed off.
But everything has changed since then. I’m not even sure I’m the same person as I was back then. So much has happened over the past four years. So much that has changed and shaped the person I am now – recent events included.
When Elara finally text me back last night agreeing to go to Italy with me, part of me was struck with disbelief while the other part of me knew all along she would come. I bought my ticket to Arkansas and both of our tickets to Chicago so fast it’s a wonder I didn’t end up screwing it up. I knew I needed to do it right then and there, that way she’d be less inclined to back out on me.
I already had the two tickets to Italy. Once the contract was signed and official, I requested two because somewhere deep inside I knew she would come with me. Maybe it was wishful thinking but whatever it was clearly worked.
She has no idea that we will be staying in a little one room flat together, otherwise I may not have gotten her to agree. I’ll let that be a surprise once we get there. At that point she’ll have no choice but to deal with it.
I close my laptop and lean my head back against the headboard; my eyes falling closed for a brief moment as I take a deep breath in before letting it out just as slowly.
The thought of spending the next four weeks in Italy with Elara has me twisted up like a fucking teenager. I swear I haven’t been this anxious or excited about anything pertaining to a girl since I lost my virginity to Rachel Balanie when I was fifteen.
“Kane,” my father’s voice calls up the stairs, instantly breaking me from my daze.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” I holler back, realizing several minutes have passed since my mother had come up to tell me dinner was ready.
****
“So, Kane, I was thinking,” my father says between bites of my mother’s famous pot roast. “We should take the old boat out this weekend. Maybe get a little fishing in while you’re home.”
I instantly feel bad knowing I can’t.
“I wish I could, Dad, but I’m actually leaving Saturday.”
“So soon?” my mom questions, disappointment clear on her face.
“I know. I’m sorry. I got signed for a big contract with an Italian eyewear company that I couldn’t pass up. I fly out of Chicago on Sunday so I’ll need to give myself time to get home and pack.”
“Where are you off to this time?” my dad asks, having always been interested in my line of work.
I wait until I’ve swallowed the bite in my mouth before speaking. “Italy.”
“Right. You said Italian company. I should have guessed.” My father shakes his head.
“Well, as you know, where I end up isn’t always where the company is based out of so it’s a valid question.”
“How long will you be gone for this time?” my mother asks, hitting me with a look that makes me feel like the lowest piece of shit on Earth for not being home more.
“About a month,” I say, shoveling some potatoes in my mouth in an effort to not have to say more.
“That long?”
“It’s not that long, Mary,” my dad chimes in, clearly sensing my need of rescuing. To this day my dad is still the only person that can reel my mom in and he can do so without even batting an eye.
“I guess you’re right.” She smiles softly, shuffling carrots around her plate with her fork. “Oh, I completely forgot to tell you that Elara came by the other morning.”
The mere mention of her name has my stomach swirling once again. Fuck, what is it about this girl?
“She did?” my father questions.
“Three days ago. I can’t believe I forgot to tell you.” She shakes her head. “I swear my memory is not what it used to be.”
“I hadn’t seen her at Carol’s. Figured I had missed her.” My father’s expression softens slightly.
“You did. She came over to say goodbye but you had gone into the office that morning. I still can’t believe I forgot to tell you.” She pauses before adding, “I really hate that she felt like she had to leave.”
“I think it’s good that she went home. You know how close those two were. There was hardly a place Kamden would go that Elara wasn’t right there with him. And then the accident,” my father trails off. “I’m sure being here wasn’t easy for her.”
“I suppose your right. I’m sure gonna miss her though.” My mom blinks back tears that well behind her eyes, not a single one falling.
“Me too. I got used to having her around all the time,” my father agrees. “I’m sure she’ll come visit.”
“I hope so. Though a part of me is almost relieved that she’s gone,” my mother admits quietly, surprising both me and my father. “I guess it was difficult for me. Seeing her all the time knowing my sweet boy didn’t walk away from the accident but she did.”
“Mom!” I interject, appalled by the words that just left her mouth.
My mom is the sweetest person I know. She loves every single person that comes into our lives and does so with her whole heart. Not because she has to but because she wants to. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say anything about another person even remotely close to what she just said.
“I’m happy she’s alive, of course I am. That’s not what I meant. I just, it’s just hard for me sometimes.” She blows out a breath.
“Elara loved Kam just as much as we all did. How do you think she feels knowing she lived and he didn’t?” I question, dropping my fork on the plate, my appetite long since passed.
“Honestly, I can’t imagine what that must be like for her,” she admits.
“None of us can. We can’t even fathom what it would be like to be in her shoes,” I grind out, more irritated than I should be given that my mom’s comment was not meant to be a dig at Elara. She was simply voicing what any parent would probably feel only weeks after losing a child.
“I know that. Of course I do. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” She seems genuinely sorry about what she said which in turn makes me feel even worse.
“We know you didn’t, dear.” My dad reaches across the table and rests his hand on top of hers. “We’re all a bit on edge. A lot has happened.”
“I asked Elara to come to Italy with me.” The statement is past my lips before I can completely think it through and in that instant the entire dynamic of the room changes.
“What?” My mom looks at me wide eyed with confusion. “I didn’t realize you two knew each other. Why would she be going to Italy with you?”
“Because I asked her to,” I state matter of fact. I had planned to tell my parents this regardless but I think maybe my timing could have been a little better.
“And no, we don’t know each other that well,” I continue. “But I spent a little time with her after the funeral where she told me Italy was somewhere she always wanted to go. Then I saw her again on Saturday as she was leaving town, right after I found out I could possibly be going to Italy. She was at Kam’s grave and she seemed so sad. I didn’t really even mean to ask her, it just kind of fell out of my mouth.”
“And she said yes?” my mother questions.
“Not at first,” I admit.
“I don’t understand why it even crossed your mind to ask her.”
“Elara was the most important person to Kam. I feel like I owe it to him to make sure she’s okay. And right now I don’t think she is. I think I can help her. And honestly, I think she can help me too.”
“Well I think it’s fantastic,” my dad weighs in. “Elara is like family. It makes me feel better knowing you two will be looking out for each other.”
“Thanks, Dad. I appreciate that,” I say. Turning back toward my mom, I continue, “It’s not what you’re thinking, Mom.” I feel the need to reassure her even though I know the statement is only partially true. “I just wanted to do something nice for the girl my brother loved.”
“It makes sense,” she admits. “And your father’s right. Knowing the two of you will be looking out for one another does make me feel a little better. Just be careful, Kane. Elara is in a very confusing place right now. I’d hate for you to get hurt.”
“I’m not going to get hurt, Mom. We’re just friends.”
“Things can change rapidly when emotions are running high. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, honey. You always have. But sometimes you get a little blinded by the opposite sex.” A smile plays on her mouth for the first time all evening.
“That’s the Thaler in him.” My father laughs.
“You two are too much sometimes.” I smile, not able to help myself.
“Just be careful, honey.” My mom falls serious once more. “That’s all I’m asking.”
“I will.” I nod only once before standing and excusing myself.
My mother’s warning is still ringing in my ears several hours later as I lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to shake the feeling that maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m setting myself up to be hurt. Or maybe, and more likely, I’m setting Elara up to be hurt.
“You’d never hurt her.” Kam’s voice is so clear I would almost swear he was in the room.
“But what if I do?” I voice aloud.
“You won’t.”
“I might.”
“You won’t,” he insists.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you know how much I loved her.”