Dear Diary,

Tracy thinks I’m being selfish. Being with Connor is something I’ve wanted for what feels like my entire life. He’s the only guy I’ve ever thought about this way. Is it that wrong? I just want to be happy, and he’s giving me that, but why does my heart break as I write this?

Mackenzie

Mackenzie

My eyes widen when I wake up the next morning to see Nick sneaking out of Katy’s room.

“Well, good morning,” I say, catching him off guard.

He shines me a shit-eating grin with a nod to his head before Katy follows directly behind him.

They head straight for the door where their goodbye lasts longer than any normal one should. Afterward, Katy joins us in the kitchen with a huge smile covering her face.

“Fun night?” I ask trying to bite back my laugh making Tracy almost spit out her coffee.

“Fun two nights,” she replies over her coffee mug before she takes a sip.

I fill Tracy in on who Nick is before Katy changes the subject. “What’s up with you two today?”

Tracy looks at me in question, not sure how to answer that without explaining everything else in my life. When our eyes meet I reply, “I thought we’d go get breakfast then we’re going to head downtown, maybe check out some shopping.”

It’s not a total lie. We are heading downtown just for something that not many people ever have or even want to experience. Today we’re checking off another box.

Tracy and I have been dancing for years together and when I told her I wanted to audition for the San Francisco’s production of The Nutcracker she said she would go with me and try out as well.

At our age we both know it’s a lost hope but that doesn’t stop me. I don’t need to be in the show, I just want to be up on stage, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

“Well, you guys have fun. I’ve got to go get ready. Will you stay another night, Tracy?”

“No, I have to head back today.”

Katy gives Tracy a hug. “It was so nice meeting you. We’re sure happy your hot brother introduced us to Mackenzie.”

“God, what is it with everyone on Connor’s jock around here?” She shivers with a laugh and Katy joins in.

“Have fun today,” Katy says as she walks back to her room.

I search for the time and my stomach flips when I see we have to get going. Tracy sees my flutter and asks, “You ready?”

I nod, taking a deep breath. “Let’s go.”

When we arrive, there’s a room full of girls stretching and perfecting their pliés. I say girls because that’s exactly what they are. The oldest girl here looks sixteen and is a stark difference to our age but I try to shake it off.

Tracy and I dress in our ballet shoes and join them in preparation for the chance of a lifetime. Her name is called first and she jumps up. “Wish me luck,” she laughs.

I love that she’s here with me. Doing this ridiculous thing but not caring one bit. Her support means everything. I wish I could watch her audition but only the judges are allowed in the auditorium.

A few minutes later, she comes leaping out of the room with the biggest smile covering her face. “Ahhh!” she screams. “That was so amazing!” Her arms wrap around mine hugging me tightly. “I can’t thank you enough for having me do that.”

“How did you do?”

She laughs. “Oh, I bombed it but I don’t care. It was incredible being on that stage.”

“Mackenzie Thomas,” I hear someone call my name.

“You’re up. Go knock ‘em dead,” Tracy says, giving me another hug.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and head into what I thought was my biggest dream when I was a little girl.

As I open the door, lights caress the stage, inviting me to the center. The judges sit ten rows back, patiently waiting for my music to begin.

I’ve been practicing but nothing could prepare me for this moment. I’m nervous, anxious and scared shitless but when the music starts all of that fades away. My body moves with the music, fluidly and softly.

I twirl and leap and bounce around the stage, living my dream for this one moment. I feel so alive, so light, as if I’m floating on a cloud.

I end the audition in a dramatic bow and the applause I get from the judges is all I need. Check that box off with a thick red mark.

* * *

Connor

The freeness washing over me as I sit at work is one I haven't felt in years. It's pure happiness, and it extends to every aspect of my life.

I can't believe I've fallen so hard for Mackenzie, but I totally have. It's not like I just met her. I've known her for years, and I'm shocked I'd been so blind.

Even though I'm working on a really tough case, I have a smile on my face the entire day.

Around two there's a knock on my office door. It’s Tracy.

"Hey, sis, you heading home?" I ask, pushing away my laptop.

"Yup. Do you have a minute?"

I sense something's up. "Please don't tell me this is about Mackenzie and me. Look, I know she's your best friend, but we've just… I'm not sure what's going on, but it's good. I really like her—"

"She's sick." She stands behind a chair, gripping it like she needs the strength it might give her.

I close my eyes for a brief moment, confused. "Huh?"

She sits. "I shouldn't be the one to tell you, but I'm afraid it's going to be too hard for her to do it. She really likes you. Like, really, really likes you."

"I'd say the feeling is mutual." I lean back, letting everything she’s saying sink in.

"I feel like I'm letting my friend down by going behind her back, but you're my brother, and I can't stand here and watch, knowing what I know."

"How serious is this sickness?"

"She has a brain tumor. She moved to San Francisco to be in a case study, but as of right now there's no cure. They've given her twelve to fifteen months to live."

Tears slip from my sister's eyes, and I can't help mine from doing the same.

We sit in silence. What can be said? I found someone, someone I really enjoyed spending time with, and now this?

My first reaction is from the lawyer in me. There’s got to be something I can do, something I can research, but a tumor must mean she has cancer, and the word cancer is all the truth I need.

That one word, the most vile word in the English language. The word that has ripped so many lives to shreds, caused so many heartaches, and cut way too many lives short.

I don’t want to believe what I’m hearing. I keep repeating in my head that it’s not possible. I was with her last night and for the past week. How could I have no clue?

It only takes one look at my sister’s face to tell me that it’s really happening, and the girl who has pushed her way into my life is dying. My life shatters into a million pieces.

"I'm so sorry." She finally breaks the silence. "I really thought you should know. I saw the way you looked at her, and I could tell you were falling hard. I just don't want you to get hurt."

I nod trying to breathe even though my chest feels like it’s been hit with a brick. "Tell me the details," I ask, picking up a pen to take notes. I need to research it fully so I can be prepared.

"It's a glioblastoma tumor. I guess it has all these fingers or vine-type things that wrap around your brain, slowly eating it away. That's why they can't just go in and remove it. It's too big and too intertwined. She had surgery a few months ago and they were able to get most of it except for the little fingers. Her symptoms mostly went away after the surgery, but they say it’s only a matter of time before they reappear."

"But she's in a study? So they think they might have a cure?"

The word cure makes me choke up. I hold me breath, praying she gives me the answer I want.

"They said it's a long shot, because it's still so unknown, but she felt it was worth the risk. It was the study, or go through all kinds of treatments, knowing they would only prolong her life for a limited time and she would still die. The medication would make her sick, and she didn’t want to be miserable the last months of her life."

I press my lips together, saddened by the thought of her living like this. I wouldn’t want to go through those treatments either, especially if I had been given a death sentence.

All alone too.

The idea of her keeping this from me works its way into my brain. We’ve only spent a short time together, but I feel we were really getting to know each other. Yet she’s been keeping this life-altering secret the entire time.

I rub my eyes, trying to imagine what’s been going through her head.

"She's made this list.” Tracy blurts out, breaking into my thoughts. “It's basically a bucket list, but more her style. Did she seek you out in some way?"

I let out a quick laugh. "Um, yeah, we won't go there."

"Ew, god, please don't." She fake gags. "You must have been on her list. She said she's had a crush on you for years. I don't understand why." She grins, and I can't help but laugh. "Who knows what she truly wanted out of this, with you, but I guess it’s good to say you've helped check off a pretty big box on her list. I should thank you for that. I just want her to be happy. And dammit, she was the happiest I've ever seen her last night.”

"I appreciate you looking out for me, I really do, but I'm a big boy. I can take it, and you know what, for her…." I pause. "I think she's worth it. What did Mom always say to us? 'You would have missed the dance?'" Paraphrasing from her favorite Garth Brooks song, The Dance. There may be pain but the dance before it is worth it.

Hm, I guess I lied to Mackenzie earlier. I do know one country song.

"I love you, brother. You know that, right?" she says, and I laugh. "No, seriously. You make me proud to call you my brother sometimes." She gets up and comes over to hug me.

"Thanks for telling me," I say, trying stop the sting hitting the back of my eyes.

She nods and slips out of my office.

I have no clue what I'm going to do now, but first thing first. I need to call my friend, Alan. We recently had a bit of a fight when I thought I had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. It was a long messy thing, and looking back I realize how he must've felt.

We've only spoken a few times since then, but he's a forth-year resident at UCSF, and hopefully he'll be able to fill me in on everything I need to know.

"Connor?" he answers, sounding confused to see my name flashing across his screen.

"Yeah. I hope I caught you at a good time, because I need your help." He must sense the seriousness in my voice because I can hear him remove himself from the echo that was originally surrounding him.

"You know I'm here for you. What do you need?"

"You're never going to believe this shit. I found my dream girl, and I was just told she has a brain tumor."

"Connor...." he sighs into the phone. "Are you serious?"

"Unfortunately, yes." I sigh. "Can we meet for drinks tonight, let me pick your brain?"

"Of course. I'm off at six. Same place as always?"

"Yeah. Thanks, man," I reply with a sense of relief.

"No prob. See you then." He hangs up.

* * *

When I walk into our favorite place, Alan’s sitting at the bar alone, drinking beer from a bottle. It’s been awhile since we’ve gotten together, and it’s nice we can go right back to where we were before everything blew up.

He stands to shake my hand and give me a side hug.

"Thanks for meeting me, Alan."

"Anytime. I’ve missed you. How have you been?"

We used to be close friends… that is until Amy stormed into our lives.

"I've been really good actually. Long story short, I think I'm in love, and get this, it's my little sister's best friend." I hit his arm like guys do.

"Tracy's?" he asks in disbelief.

"Yep. There's kind of a crazy story behind it, but none of that matters now. I just found out she has something called a glioblastoma."

His head drops to his chest. "Fuck. I was really hoping you weren’t gonna say that."

"That bad, huh?" I ask, rubbing my eyes.

He nods, grabbing his phone to look up more info on her diagnosis. "How long?"

"They say a year to fifteen months." I look off into nothing, afraid if I see his face, my emotions will get the best of me.

He touches my shoulder. "They must have caught it pretty early, because that’s a good time frame for something so serious. I’ve heard people can go in mere months. I'm really sorry, Connor."

He researches some more before filling me in on her cancer and the prognosis. Every word he says fills me with more dread and hopelessness. This is truly turning into the worst day of my life.

My heart aches, and I envision her having to live through this, knowing her time is limited. My chest tightens when I picture her face and the way she bites her lip when she’s thinking, but mainly I recall the way her smile lights up my world.

“How long have you been seeing her?” he asks.

“A month or so,” I sip my whiskey. The beer I started with wasn’t nearly enough to calm my shaky nerves.

“I don't want you to be that guy, but are you sure this is worth it? You could walk away. It hasn’t been that long.”

I’m flabbergasted by his suggestion, especially coming from him. “I can’t believe—”

He places a hand on my shoulder. “I was testing you. I wanted to see what your initial reaction would be.”

I drop my chin to my chest.

“I’m still in shock to hear you not only have a girlfriend, but you’re willing to deal with all of this. You’re fucked.” He laughs, and I want to flip him off. “Do you finally get why I was a mess over Amy?”

I let out a small laugh. “Did I ever apologize for that?” I ask in shame.

“Yeah. It’s all good. That’s in the past. I’m glad I can be here for you now.”

We chat for an hour or so and I leave the bar completely broken, not sure what I'll do but knowing I have to do something. I’ve spent my life looking for what my parents found in each other, that life partner who’s there through the good and bad. The one person you know will hold your hand no matter what.

I thought I’d found it with my ex from high school, but that was just young love. Not something that is long-lasting and soul-gripping.

Not like with Mackenzie.

How do I go on, knowing she’s not my forever? But how do I walk away? I can’t. I’m in the worst place possible and don’t have a clue how to make it better.