Mackenzie

My nerves have been shit all day. I knew today would happen, they planned it weeks ago. Of course I knew his birthday was the reason why we were all gathering for dinner, but after last night, so many things fly through my head.

Will I fall flat on my face or do something stupid?

Will he even remember me?

More importantly, will he recognize me?

The glass door slides open, and I close my eyes, forcing myself to breathe the air it needs so I don't pass out.

I purposefully sat facing the house so I could stare under the disguise of my sunglasses when he arrived.

Connor.

My high school crush, but also my best friend’s big brother. All those years I stayed at their house, swam in their pool, dying for him to notice me, but he never did.

After our dance lessons, we'd sit in Tracy's room for hours on end, gawking over pictures of boys from our class, and I had to lie every time, saying I wanted one when really I wanted the boy in the next room.

He became my biggest fantasy. My everything. I'd hear him talk to his friends about other girls, and my dreams would be crushed, but every once in awhile I’d see it—a glimpse of what I saw in him reflected in his eyes while he looked at me. Those glimpses gave me hope, even after all this time.

“Tracy, I’m leaving for the night. Don’t you dare go in my room,” Connor says after barging in to Tracy’s room.

“Oh like you just came into mine. Get out of here, jerk,” she fights back.

“Just stay out this time, you hear me?” Before he leaves, he turns to me. “Hey, Mackenzie.”

I try to respond but nerves have sealed my mouth shut. Sudden fear coursed its way through my body and left me looking like a horrible mime.

He shuts the door and I’m finally able to breathe again, only to now feel like the stupidest little girl on the planet. That was my chance, the first time he spoke directly to me and I blew it.

That moment when I was eleven haunted me for years. I couldn’t help but think my first impression of us interacting is what ruined my chances. I know it’s a silly thought but as a young girl I kicked myself anytime I thought about it.

No matter of how lacking our relationship was, when I moved away to college I always kept his memory tucked away in my hopes-of-one-day jar.

He and Tracy have the best sibling relationship I've ever seen. He's crazy protective of her and any guy she dates. She hates it, but I think it's the sweetest thing. Showing the love he has for his sister that way only proves he's a great guy.

A guy I've wanted for so long and finally got last night, only he didn't know it was me.

My eyes glaze over as Connor crosses to the table. Every step is carefully placed, like he's on the prowl and Tracy's new boyfriend, Scott, is his target.

Wisely, Scott removes his hand from Tracy's thigh and stands. Holding out a hand, he says, "You must be Connor."

Connor stares at his hand for a second before grabbing it. By the way Scott winces, I can tell it's harder than a normal, friendly, how-do-you-do shake.

"I-I'm Scott," he stutters, trying not to let Connor intimidate him.

It's hilarious to watch, and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing. Connor is far from the scary brother type. Honestly, looking at them side by side, Scott is bigger.

The way Connor's tight designer jeans with his styled hair and sexy-as-sin stubble, compares to Scott's khaki shorts and backwards baseball hat would make one assume Scott would be the first one to throw down and start a fight. But when it comes to Tracy, Connor holds nothing back.

"You hurt my sister"—Connor glares—"and I'll kill you. I'm a defense attorney, remember that? I know all the ways to get rid of a body and leave no tracks."

"God, Connor. Stop. Leave him alone." Tracy pulls Scott back down to his seat.

Scott lets out a small laugh at Connor, thinking he must be kidding, and Connor's eyebrows rise to assure him he's not.

Scott coughs nervously, and Connor finally breaks eye contact, looking in my direction. I stare at him, mesmerized by the way he takes me in.

After a breath, I stand, pushing my glasses to the top of my head and sticking out a hand.

"Connor, long time, no see," I say more teasingly than anything. It's only been a few hours since I left his side, and I'm dying to see if he knows it too. I was wearing a mask, but I pray like crazy he’s putting two and two together.

His gaze slowly moves down the length of my body before he squints ever so slightly.

When our hands meet, warmth floods my veins. My breathing hitches for a quick second, and when his lips part, I can tell he's affected in some way too, but I can't read it clearly.

Our hands stay intertwined, even when his mother calls, asking him if he's thirsty.

He turns his attention toward her, holding up his beer. "I'm good." He drops my hand, realizing he still was holding on tightly.

I quickly pull my glasses down over my eyes and glance at Tracy, hoping she didn't see our brief interaction. Thankfully, she's whispering something to Scott so I sit, focusing on my breath to slow my racing pulse.

"Connor, did I tell you Scott is studying to be an engineer?" Tracy says, proud of her current boyfriend.

"Where?" Connor asks bluntly.

"Sac State," Scott replies with a smile.

"What, couldn't get into Berkeley?"

"Connor!" Tracy blurts, giving her brother dagger eyes.

Scott’s quick to answer, "It was more of a money issue. My parents can't help out as much as they’d like, and I didn't want to be stuck with a crazy amount of student loans. I got a full ride to Sac, and their program is pretty legit."

Connor rolls his eyes, more because he has no rebuttal to that comment. He lets out a huff, bringing his beer to his lips.

Shivers run through me when the sight of his tongue on the bottle catches my attention.

That tongue was everything I dreamed it would be. I felt it on every inch of my body, and Lord knows what I'd do to feel it again.

I swore I would only go to the club once to fulfill two of my checklist boxes with one stop. I have them all categorized under things like heartwarming, dreams, daring, and fantasies. The list has many boxes in each category, but only two things under fantasy. One, experience sex of the craziest kind, and two, finally be with my first crush. I don't dare have his name written because I knew Tracy would see the actual list at some point.

"What are your intentions with my sister?" Connor asks Scott, taking me out of my lust-filled memory.

Scott starts to answer, but Tracy cuts him off. "Connor, did you hear Mackenzie's moving back?"

Tracy looks right at me, inclining her head toward Connor, begging me to interact with him to take the attention off Scott.

If she only knew.

Connor looks my way. "Yeah? Where have you been these last few years?"

"I told you she was studying to be a lawyer, like you. Come on, Connor. Don't be a dipshit." Tracy rolls her eyes.

I sag a little when I realize he's forgotten this simple fact about me. I finally got the nerve to call him a few years ago, when I decided I wanted to go to law school. We spoke briefly, he answered all the questions I had, but it never turned into anything more than that.

I don't know why I had this delusion he'd ask me to talk about it over dinner, and we'd head back to his place, where he would seduce me, like he always wanted to, but that never happened.

Sadly, my dreams were cut very short when he was cordial but treated me like his little sister’s best friend. He even stated at one point he was shocked I was old enough to be applying to law school. He's only four years older than us.

To a normal person, those four years are nothing, but to him, they’re engraved in his brain that I’m the same age as his little sister.

"Did you finish early?" Connor asks.

I glance at Tracy, who mouths sorry in my direction. After taking a deep breath, I tell the same lie I’ve told everyone else. "I'm taking a year off." I shrug like it's no big deal and hope it stays at that.

"Why would you do that?" he asks, obviously confused.

My lips tilt to a small smile that I quickly recover from. At least he remembered talking to me. "Things change." I try to shrug it off like it's no big deal.

"Wow." His eyebrows rise in surprise. "Never would have thought you’d be one to take time off. When we spoke last time, you were so driven, so sure it was exactly what you wanted to do."

I give Tracy the same help me look she gave me a few minutes ago.

"What's going on at your firm nowadays?" she asks, changing the subject once again.

"Crazy ass shit at every turn. They keep me busy, that's for sure.”

He stretches and I can't help but notice the way his arms flex to show his lean, muscular form. He rubs his eyes like he's exhausted and this is his first reaction anytime work is brought up before letting out a long sigh.

"Do you even have a life?" Tracy asks. "Work isn't everything, you know."

He runs his hands through his hair, making the short, dark brown, locks even more sexy. Not answering her question though.

"You know I couldn’t care less, but Mom's constantly saying she wants you to settle down. I mean, have you had a girlfriend even somewhat recently?"

My breath hitches. This is not something I want to hear about. I had to endure him dating who everyone thought was the one for years. They started dating his senior year, and she was at their house every day. Through his college years, I thought my dreams were completely shattered, and he was going to propose until he walked in on her with someone from her work.

That's when the shit hit the fan and he took off, moving to San Francisco and hardly ever came back home.

He lets out a little sigh that's almost unnoticeable, but I was staring at him, holding my breath while waiting for his reply.

He shrugs but I can tell it’s not as easy as he’s making it sound. "I almost did. At least I thought things were moving in that direction."

My heart aches at his admission and the sadness on his face.

He blows it off. "Wasn't meant to be, though."

"That's it? Just wasn't meant to be? Did you even try with her?" Tracy asks, deflated by her brother’s attitude.

A sharp laugh escapes him. "Believe me, I tried. More than I should have, probably. You know my friend, Alan?"

"The doctor, right?"

"Yup. Well, let's just say she chose him."

The thought of anyone choosing someone over Connor makes me want to slap her silly for hurting him, but I also want to hug her for allowing me to keep my hopes up.

"Was she seeing you both?"

He laughs under his breath. "It's complicated. Just leave it at that."