Dear Diary,

I feel like I'm living in a pretend world. Connor and I don’t talk about my cancer, but it’s there, poking its head out when I don't want it to. He acts fairly normal for the most part, but I know it’s constantly in his head. Or maybe it’s always in mine, and I’m projecting. Who knows?

Mackenzie

Connor

It’s been a few weeks since Mackenzie’s last doctor appointment. Even though we hang out every day, and things are seemingly back to normal, a black cloud follows us around. No matter how much we pretend, we can’t get rid of it. So tonight I’m taking her out to check another thing off her list.

I’ve been practicing all week for this, and nervousness has been eating away at my stomach. This is something I swore I would never do, yet here I am, opening the door to a bar that offers karaoke.

The look on her face is priceless once she realizes where she is. I thought she would be excited, but the ghost-like paleness creeping up her face makes me laugh.

“We’re only here because this is on your list.” I open my arms wide, tilting my head to the side and daring her to move forward.

“You suck. You know that, right?” she grunts as she goes inside.

“Don't hate me. I’m not the one who wrote it,” I tease. She sticks out her tongue.

We sit at a corner table and order drinks, listening to someone perform a song I don’t recognize but oddly enjoy. I always figured these places would be full of awful singers who couldn’t carry a tune, but this guy’s not bad.

I enjoy watching Mackenzie nervously chew her bottom lip as she waits for the inevitable.

“Don’t be nervous.” I lean over to whisper in her ear.

“Will you do it too?” she asks hopefully.

“If you do it, so will I. I’m here to support you, but there’s no way I’m going first, just in case you bail on me.”

Her knees start to bounce, and I cover them with my hand. “You got this. You don’t know a single soul in this bar. Just go up there, close your eyes, and sing your heart out.”

“But what am I going to sing?”

I point at the lineup posted on the electronic screen “I signed us up earlier, and you’re third in line.”

Her eyes widen as she backs away from me. “I’m going to throw up.”

I laugh, taking her hand away from her mouth. “No you’re not. Now breathe, drink, and get ready.” I motion for the waiter to bring us another round.

“But what if I don’t know the words?”

“Believe me, you do. I’ve watched you sing every word.”

“Of what song?” she whines.

“My Church.”

“By Maren Morris?” she asks. “That’s song’s insanely hard with the high notes.”

I quiet her by giving her a kiss. “You’ll do just fine. Drink up, you’re only two away now.”

The next few minutes are spent with Mackenzie shaking her knee hard enough that she’s hit the table multiple times. It’s cute to see her nervous.

When I reach for her hand I’m rewarded with the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. Her shoulders drop and she takes a deep breath, like just the touch of my hand calmed her completely. I’ve never felt so powerful, so full of life as I do in this moment.

My mom taught me how to be a good man for my future wife. She’d talk about how I should be supportive to the one I love. I never understood what she meant until right now, holding Mackenzie’s hand, giving her the strength she needs to face her fears. It’s a feeling I never want to let go.

They call her name and she stands, walking toward the stage, not looking back until she’s seated on the stool next to the microphone.

* * *

Mackenzie

I can’t believe I’m going to do this. Holllyyy Shiiiitttt, I scream in my head, terrified until my eyes meet Connor’s, at which point I calm instantly.

When the guitar riff and clapping begins, I let the music wash over me, keeping my eyes closed and start to sing without having to read the words on the screen. I’ve sung this song a thousand times—in the shower, driving in the car. When the song belts out hallelujah, I feel it deep in my soul. I let every word touch me, engulf me in its meaning and free my heart like I imagine the Holy Spirit would.

I end, singing, “My church,” drawn out, loving the rush flowing through me.

Applause erupts, surprising the hell out of me. Right in the middle of it is Connor with the most amazing smile spreading across his face.

I thank everyone, completely embarrassed, and step off the stage, eager to get back to my table where I can breathe again.

“Wow, that was amazing. I feel sorry for whoever has to follow that,” the DJ says, “but good luck, because we have Connor Hayden up next. Is Connor here?”

He winks, standing up with all the confidence in the world, like he’s not phased one bit.

“Well, it looks like it’s the lovely lady’s boyfriend, so let’s hope he doesn’t outshine her, or I’d say he’s not getting laid tonight,” the DJ jokes, and the crowd laughs in response.

The way he sits on the stool, so sure of himself, holding the microphone, ready as ever, makes me fall that much more in love with him.

The song begins with talking about the moon, and my heart flutters. He’s not only singing on stage to support me, but he’s singing a country song. One that I’ve played for him and we talked about, but to hear him sing it now is breathtaking.

As he belts out the words to Black by Dierks Bentley, chills run up my spine. I can tell he’s practiced, preparing for this moment.

His voice is sultry, demanding, and absolutely incredible. Every word he sings pierces my heart. I can barely breathe as he holds the word, “Black,” letting it fluctuate for four seconds before letting go.

We never look away from each other. It’s like he’s singing the song only to me, and the room is otherwise empty. When it ends, the crowd jumps up again, applauding his performance the same way they did mine. I run to him on stage, wrapping my hands around his neck and pressing my lips against his.

“Yeah, he’s getting laid tonight. No. Doubt,” the DJ says, making us break apart and laugh along with the crowd.

“Want to get out of here?” he whispers in my ear.

Without a word, I hold his hand and lead us out the door. The DJ is quick to play a bow-chicka-wow-wow type beat, and I nod my approval of his song choice as we exit hand in hand.

* * *

“I’m going to grab some stuff and then I’ll be up,” I say to Connor when the elevator dings to my floor of our apartment building.

“Don’t be too long.” His eyebrows raise making my insides tingle.

I laugh off his effect on me, and head to my door, trying to be quiet so I don’t wake my roommates. When the door swings open I’m greeted by the three of them sitting on the couch looking directly at me.

“Oh, hi. I didn’t think you guys would be awake.” I scan the room and an uneasy feeling settles in my stomach. “Everything okay?”

Chantel sighs. “Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah, of course. I was just grabbing some things to head up to Connor’s but yeah, I mean, sure.” I’m rambling but the look on their faces is making my nerves run wild. I sit across from them.

“We’ve been talking, and on some point it’s none of our business, but on the other hand we’re uneasy knowing you lied to us,” Chantel states, unsure.

I glance at Katy and Robin, but both seem just as nervous as I am. Silence surrounds us.

“I went to where you said you worked today. Where you said you’ve worked for awhile now,” Katy says, uneasy in her statement. “They said they had no clue who you were.”

Shit. My head falls back on the couch as I fight the tears filling my eyes. I won’t cry.

“We just want to know why you’re lying to us?” Robin asks.

“Because I’m sick,” I choke out, closing my eyes.

When I open them, all three girls are staring back at me with shock and question covering their faces.

“You’re sick?” Katy whispers, like she’s afraid to say it out loud. “That’s why you’re lying about where you work?”

I fill them in on my prognosis, as well as the real reason why I moved to San Francisco, and where I’ve been every day up until the study was cancelled.

Their faces remind me of why I kept this a secret.

“I’m so sorry, Kenzie,” Chantel says, coming to sit next to me and giving me a hug.

“I hope you understand why I didn’t want you guys to know. No one really knows.”

“Does Connor know?” Robin asks.

I tell them about Tracy, how she told him and how he’s helping me check items off my bucket list.

Sharing these last few weeks with them remind me why I made this silly list. Sometimes in the darkest clouds, rays of sunshine still shine through and their faces prove that. Connor has proved that ten fold.

I feel better now that I’ve told them. I never liked lying about where I was, but I hope things won’t change between us. Connor doesn’t understand why I don’t want to tell people so maybe he’s right. I shouldn’t be afraid anymore. All that does is hold me back and I want to live the best life I can.