Dear Diary,

This entire time I’ve worried about me, my life, my pain, my needs. Tracy warned me about hurting Connor’s feelings, and now I see the destruction I’ve caused in his life. The pain I worry he’ll never heal from. I did that. My selfishness has ruined his life. The guilt I feel is something that will follow me to the grave.

Mackenzie

Mackenzie,

Things have been quiet since we woke up this morning. We laid in each other’s arms until I finally had to give in and use the bathroom and get some water.

I sit at the breakfast bar, looking at the research Connor accumulated last night, and it feels like my heart is going to break all over again.

He sits next to me while reaching for my hand. After a few minutes he wraps his arm around me and holds me close to him. There's not much to be said but his touch says it all. There’s no doubt he'll be there for me every step of the way, and that thought gives me more hope than I've ever had in the past.

"So this list?" he says, breaking the silence.

"What list?"

He gives me the cutest grin. "The list that has banging me as one of your to-do's."

I laugh. "It does not say ‘bang Connor.’"

He nudges me with his leg. "Don't lie. It definitely says ‘bang Connor.’ That's why you came after me."

"I'll give you that, but it is definitely worded differently. And how in the hell do you know about my list?"

"Tracy told me. But I only know that I was on it. What else is?"

I hide my face, embarrassed about the list I made of things I want to do before I die. It's totally cliché so I have different things other than the normal jump out of a plane or climb Mt. Everest.

My list has silly things, like experience a Brazilian wax or sing in the rain. I wanted to do the normal things that people experience that I won't have the opportunity to do.

Even though Tracy knows about it and even helped check off the box with our audition, that we never got a call back for, I’ve never actually showed anyone. “It’s stupid. Just forget about it.”

“Not a chance. Remember, you’re the one who named yourself Last Chance. I’m here to make sure you live life to the fullest.”

I sigh, defeated. “Fine. I’ll go get it.”

The entire way down to my place, I fight an internal battle. On one hand I want to share my life with him, but on the other this is so personal.

The girls are either already gone or still asleep, so I’m able to sneak in and out without having to explain what I’m doing or why my eyes are puffy from crying.

I return to his place not feeling any better about sharing this part of me with him. "You can't laugh. Promise?" I state, holding a notebook. Everything in my world is different from when I first made this list. It was more of an if I die versus knowing I will, and sooner than I thought.

I look at it line by line. Only a few boxes are checked, including the ones I've added since my time with Connor.

I finally hand it over and instantly play nervously with my bottom lip.

"So this," he says, pointing to Brazilian wax. "I fully support. We can get that done super quick."

I hit his arm but smile, thankful he's made a joke about this.

"Seriously though. I'd be honored if I can help you with the list."

I kiss him. "I'd like that."

* * *

The next weekend Connor has me packing for colder weather, but he won't tell me where we're going. I know it has something to do with my list, but I never mentioned a particular place, so I don't have a clue what's going on. He says he wants it to be a surprise, and the excitement is killing me.

We meet at his car, and he loads my bag alongside sleeping bags and a tent.

He notices me eyeing the camping gear. “I plan on checking off a lot of things tonight." He winks and chills run down my spine. Just the thought of anything with him sounds amazing.

We drive for what seems like hours and when I notice we’re heading toward Lake Tahoe a bit of excitement comes over me. "Are we going camping in Tahoe?"

His face says it all, and I reach over to grab his hand. Sleeping under the stars is something on my list, and being at such a high elevation in Tahoe means they will be amazing.

We don't make it completely into South Lake Tahoe, instead he turns off on Highway 89.

"What's out here?" I ask.

"The most remote place you'll ever go. You'll truly feel like you're the only person on earth. Well, I guess we will, considering we’ll be together." He brings my hand up to his lips to kiss the back.

We pull off on a back road, and after a few very bumpy minutes, he turns into what looks like a makeshift campsite.

"You want me to sleep here?" I ask teasingly.

"Don't worry, I'll make it fit for a queen."

Sleeping under the stars is on my list, but I envisioned it in my backyard, not in the middle of the forest, with no one else around.

He looks so cute in his designer jeans, scoping out the best place for us to set up our tent. I know he used to come here a lot, but that was always in the winter when it snowed. A Boy Scout he is not, and I'm glad I'm alone when I chuckle at the thought of him setting up camp.

I'm slightly scared of his plan for tonight, but that's what this whole list is about. I did it to force me to try new things and camping, in the middle of nowhere, is definitely something new to me.

Within minutes he's got a spot picked out, and he's walking back to the car.

"Don't be scared," he teases, drawing out the word scared. "I know what I'm doing. I've done this many times."

"You have?" I get out of the car.

He gives me a silly look.

I hold up my hands in truce. “Hey, sorry I questioned you. But you do know how long I’ve known you for, right?”

“Yes, that’s my favorite thing about you, knowing you’ve loved me for almost your entire life. I forgot how much you used to stalk me.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha,” I deadpan.

He pulls the tent out of the trunk before leaning over to kiss my cheek. “During college I came here a lot to escape, study, and just be alone. This is my spot, and I’m excited to share it with you.”

He sets me up with a chair and a beer while he builds our campsite. Watching him work warms my heart.

He starts a fire and produces hotdogs and a couple of long metal sticks. He hands me one and I look at him, confused.

“Yes, we’re having hotdogs, and you’re going to cook it over the fire,” he says, answering my unasked question.

“You can do that?” I laugh.

“Oh man, you’re too much. Yes, you can cook over an open fire. What do you think people did before kitchens?”

“They weren’t cooking hotdogs from a package, I can guarantee you that.”

He punches the stick through a hotdog and hands it to me. “Touché.” We each hold one over the fire, rotating it every few minutes.

Surprisingly, cooking them over the flame made them taste good. I was amazed at the difference. Or maybe it’s just the entire experience, yet another first that I never even thought to put on my list.

After dinner the skies turn dark quickly, and Connor lays blankets in front of the fire so we can curl up together. Lying on his chest, I stare into the fire for what seems like hours. The dancing flames mesmerize me with the blue to orange to red hues.

My mind clears as the wood continues to burn. Every worry, every heartbreak I’ve felt in the last few months seems to burn right along with it. This is life, this fire. Building slowly until it slowly fades away, releasing into the air.

Suddenly I’m not afraid to speak my mind any more. This is my slow burn; my build of pressure until my own release comes, and I need to take full advantage, knowing my peak is just around the corner.

I open his hand while I open my heart. “There was one thing I didn’t put on my list, because I knew it would never be possible,” I barely whisper, breaking the comfortable silence.

He holds me a little tighter. “What’s that?”

“I want to be a mom. I want to experience the unconditional love that only a mother and their child have.”

He doesn’t tense or flinch, but he stays silent, so I continue, hoping I didn’t just ruin our night together.

“I’m not saying I want you to get me pregnant or anything. That’s crazy, knowing I won’t be around. I’m just letting you in on my thoughts, that’s all.” I turn around to face him when he stays silent. “I’m serious. I’m not asking you for that. I’m just sharing what’s going on inside of my head. Please don’t freak out.”

“I’m not freaked out,” he says. “I’m sad, that’s all. It’s not fair you won’t be able to experience everything life has to offer.”

I let out a sigh of relief and lay down again. “I’m getting used to it. I have you. This. It’s making the sting a little more easy to bear.”

My gaze turns back to the fire, while my head falls against his chest. A single tear slips from my eye that I let fall freely.