Dear Baby Girl,

Today I start a new diary, one just for you. I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and most of all my love. Even though I won’t be here physically, I hope these letters offer you a smile in times of need. I’ll always be by your side, I promise.

We found out yesterday you were a girl. You should have seen your father’s face—fear, love and ultimately protectiveness. He’ll never let anything bad happen to you. But the best part was the tears that filled his eyes. You’ve already brought so much happiness into our lives. If there is one thing I want you to know, it’s how much you are loved and wanted. You’ll always be our miracle, and I can’t wait to meet you.

Love,

Mom

Mackenzie

I didn’t want to discuss my doctor’s phone call yesterday, but the thought kept me up all night.

What if something happens to me? What if I don’t make it long enough to carry our daughter to term?

Every time the thought of not providing the life my daughter needs ran through my head I would start to panic.

How could I do this to her? What if she has life-long complications all because she was born too early?

After a completely sleepless night, my eyes are puffy and I feel like all I did was cry last night.

When Connor finally wakes up, I turn to him. “I have something to tell you.”

“Is everything okay?” he asks reaching out to cup my face, obviously concerned.

“I saw my doctor the other day.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have gone with you.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to worry you. He wants to talk to us though,” I whisper, still not sure I want to say it out loud

“What’s going on?” he asks, sitting up.

“I’ve been experiencing tingling in my left side, and a few times, I’ve lost my balance and felt really weak.”

He pulls me closer to him, and I curl against his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, stroking my hair.

“I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but if I said it out loud, it became real.”

“Can we go today?”

“I have an appointment over your lunch break. I’ll bring you a sandwich so you don't have to—”

He cuts me off. “I don’t care about work or missing lunch. I’ll be there.”

I reach up to kiss his lips and curl up into him again, enjoying our last few minutes in bed before he has to get ready.

* * *

Connor and I meet at my doctor’s, and he holds my hand as we sit in the office, awaiting his arrival.

“Dr. Shaw,” Connor stands, offering his hand when he walks in.

“Hello, Connor, Mackenzie,” he shakes my hand next, “I have good news and bad news for you.”

Connor squeezes my leg as we sit silently. I close my eyes, praying one last time that my fears aren’t my reality.

“I’m sorry, but your scan shows the tumor has grown—”

Instantly, I burst into tears, covering my face with my hands. Shaking my head back and forth, I whisper, “No, no, no, no,” through my sobs.

Connor wraps his arms around me.

“There’s more. The good news is I think we can do the surgery again.”

“You think? But what about my daughter?” I ask bluntly. That’s all I care about now. If I die, fine, but I have to at least make it long enough to get to where she needs to be to live a long, healthy life.

“She’ll be fine. The surgery won’t affect her. I won’t know until I see firsthand, but if everything goes smoothly, and we can take out as much as we did last time, I think we can get you a few more months.”

“What do you mean?” I ask in disbelief.

“I can’t promise anything, but if what I’m seeing is correct, we could remove the tumor and be right back to where we started a few months ago. As long as there’s no growth on those pesky little fingers, I’d say you’d still have a year or longer. We’ll know more once we can get inside, but things are looking good.”

Connor’s face lights up. He squeezes my leg again, and a wave of relief floods through me. This is good. This is what I want. If I do this surgery, she’ll have more time to thrive and grow.

I try not to get my hopes up until I know it’s real, but a few more months could mean I get to be with our daughter for that much longer.

The thought brings me hope. “Let’s do it then,” I state with determination.

Connor wraps his arm around me, pulling me in tighter as we hold on to the hope that my doctor’s right.

* * *

My surgery is scheduled for a few days later, and I’ve been a wreck ever since we left the doctor’s office. Connor tried to keep things light, but I see it in his eyes. He’s as scared as I am.

As I lay in the hospital bed, waiting to be taken to the OR, it feels like my nerves are about to get the best of me. My chest aches, and every breath I take feels shallower. Connor rubbing my hand takes me out of a near panic attack.

“Just breathe, baby,” Connor whispers, leaning down to kiss my hand. “She’ll be okay.”

“You choose her, you hear me?” I state firmly.

“Don’t talk like that.”

“No, Connor. If anything goes wrong, take care of her first. Anything you need to do. Promise me.” My lips quiver. He needs to know there is no question in the matter. If it’s my life or hers, he needs to choose her.

His lips crash against mine, not saying anything. I feel the slight nod to his head and the choke in his throat when the doctor walks in.

“Are you ready, Mackenzie?”

Connor leans back, taking a deep breath and rubbing his eyes. I do the same before turning to my doctor and nodding.

As they roll me out of the room, I look at Connor, pausing for a moment to take in what my life has become. Here’s this man I have loved nearly my entire life and now he’s here with me, as my husband. I blow him a kiss and mouth “I love you,” hopefully not for the last time.

So many things run through my head as I’m wheeled into the operating room. The last time I was here felt so different. I was scared for many reasons. Now everything comes down to one thing. I place a hand on my belly, close my eyes, and think, This is for you, baby. We’ll meet soon, and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, my sweet, sweet baby girl.

The next thing I remember is the feeling of Connor’s lips on mine. “Wake up, sweetie.”

I open my eyes only to blink them quickly shut again. On the third attempt I’m finally able to pierce the blur around me. I’m exhausted and my mind is confused.

“Is she waking up?” I hear my mom ask.

I feel the softness of her hand touch mine on the opposite side from Connor.

“Mom?” I whisper in confusion.

“I’m here, sweetheart.” She rubs my hand again.

Panic rushes over me as I remember where I am. “My baby?”

“She’s fine, Kenzie, and so are you,” Connor says, a quiver to his voice.

“She is?” I ask in disbelief. “The surgery didn’t affect her?” My chest aches, and I try to sit up, causing pain to rush through my head.

Connor rubs my arm as I place my head back on the pillow, wincing through the discomfort. “Yes, honey. And they were able to get a lot of the tumor. It’s amazing news, Kenzie. They couldn’t get it all but what they did get is going to give us—”

His voice cracks, and Mom cuts in. “Much more time, Kenzie. Much more.”

She rubs my hand again, and my heart sings. It worked. I can’t believe it. Everything the doctor said came true. I’ll not only be able to carry her full term, but I’ll also get to see at least some of my daughter’s firsts now.

Visions of what she’ll look like, what she’ll feel like when I hold her in my arms, and the smile she’ll give overwhelms me.

I’ll actually get to be a mom for longer than I ever expected.

A rush of both excitement and relief floods through me. I made it. She’s going to be okay.