Dear Mia,

I’m at peace. I’ve been through every emotion possible, and I’ve come down to this conclusion. I’ve completed everything on my list and then some, you being the biggest part. I wish I could be here longer, but it’s time. I’m happy with the life I led and the love I’ve given and received. As this will probably be my last entry, I wanted to say goodbye. Thank you for making me so happy these last few months. You made my life complete.

Yours Forever,

Mom

Mackenzie

My headaches are getting worse, and the doctors have advised me to take a steroid for the pain. The medication will make my body swell, and I won’t look the same.

Connor and I had a long talk about it, because I didn’t want it at first, but when the seizures became more common and the pain more unbearable, I finally broke down. This will give me the ability to still live my life for these last few weeks to months, if I'm lucky.

I told Connor I wanted to take a nap, but really I wanted some alone time, so I could make a video for my beautiful Mia while I still look like myself. I know she won’t remember our time together, but I'm hoping these videos help her remember who I am.

It takes me ten tries, as I kept tearing up and having to start over, but I think I finally say what I want to:

Baby girl. My beautiful Mia. My M&M. You have been the most promising, amazing thing to ever happen to me. Your smile has gotten me through tough moments. Even though I won’t be here with you, please know that I’ll be your guardian angel, by your side every day, getting you through the tough times.

Talk to me. I’ll always listen. You’re my shining light, and I will forever be yours.

Take care of your father. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Give him hell, keep him on his toes, and love him unconditionally, the way he loved me. At times you won’t think he’s being fair, especially when it comes to boys, but know that it comes out of love. Just make sure Auntie Tracy is on your side. When you’re old enough, she can share some stories of the things he used to do to her boyfriends, so know you’re not alone.

There is a box full of things I want to give you when you reach all your milestones in life. There is a scrapbook to hold all your awards and certificates in school, along with any important tests or art pieces you create. When you turn sixteen and get your license, there is an angel to hang from your mirror, so you know I’ll always be there to keep you safe. The lei is made of money; that’s for your graduation. I know it’s silly but I figured that would last longer than any flowers would.

And lastly, I’m giving you everything I kept from our wedding and your baby shower. I hope that when you find that special someone, you can find your something old, something blue and something borrowed right here.

Most of all, I want to thank you for saving my life, for giving me hope when I thought there was none, and for simply being you.

I will love you forever. Till we meet again.

I blow a kiss into the camera and press the stop button. I hope the video brings her peace and happiness in dark times, and I can help her heal the way she has healed me.

It takes me a few more minutes to compose myself again so I can make one more video. Every night I’ve sung Goodnight Sweetheart to her so I film myself singing it to carry on our tradition after I’m gone. The song warms my heart and brings my spirits up again. When I’m finished, I head to the living room of our cute little house to be with my family for every moment I can.

After we put Mia to bed, I curl up on the couch with Connor; ready to tell him it’s time. “I’m going to take the medication,” I say, leaning back against him and holding his hand.

I feel his lips touch the top of my head. “Are you sure?”

I nod. “It’s time. My symptoms are getting worse, and I want to make this as simple and painless as possible.”

“Mackenzie,” he says breathlessly.

“Don’t,” I respond, blinking away tears. “We aren’t there yet. Can we just pretend one more night?”

He gets off the couch. I look at him in question, and he holds out his hand, urging me to follow him.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

He turns to me, pulling me into him and placing his forehead to mine. “Let me be your fantasy one more time.”

“Connor,” I whisper breathlessly.

He carries me to our bedroom. My arms curl around his shoulders, and I nuzzle into his neck, inhaling the intoxicating scent that is Connor.

He lays me down and removes each piece of clothing until I’m naked. He touches me, caressing every centimeter of my body. When he looks up, he tries to blink away the pain in his eyes, but I see it.

My heart melts when he says playfully, “You remember how this goes, right? You’re not allowed to touch me? Let me do this.”

Our first time together, when he knew it was me, plays in my mind, and I smile. I can’t believe we’ve come this far.

He covers me with his warmth. When his lips touch mine, I’m totally taken back to that night, when I thought my life was complete and nothing would ever get better.

Boy, was I wrong.

And it’s all because of him. He’s made my life complete in more ways than one. He’s showed me what love truly is and gave me the most amazing gift of all.

A fire I haven’t felt in ages blazes through me, and suddenly I don’t feel sick and I’m not tired. I just feel alive. I never want this feeling to end. Clutching the sheets, my lips never leave his as he pushes inside me.

Slowing his pace, he lifts me. “Open your eyes, Mackenzie,” he whispers.

I wasn’t even aware I’d closed them. His smile is luminous. I’m so in love with this man, and every day that love grows more and more.

His forehead touches mine as he slowly thrusts, kissing me gently and whispering how much he loves me. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever imagined.

It’s perfect.

After I fall apart in his arms, I wrap mine around him, holding on tight. When he finds his release, he buries himself in my neck and we cry ourselves to sleep, never letting go.