Dear Diary,

This secret is eating away at me. I can’t bring myself to tell him but I’m terrified I’m going to hurt him. Then I get even more scared when I think it’s too late and he’s going to get hurt no matter what. Why was I so selfish going after him? Why did I let this go further than that one night? I’m the one that’s going to hurt him. I’m not sure how I can live with myself if I do. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place never made as much sense as it does right now.

Mackenzie

Connor

I stare at my phone much longer than I should. She didn't want me to know for a reason, and I should respect that, but how do I talk to her and not tell her I know? I can't pretend my life didn't just get put through a shredder.

One thing is for sure. I've fallen hard for her. There's no going back, and I need to figure out how to move forward.

I bring up her name in my contacts, moving it to my favorites list but not hitting the call button. Instead, I hit the message icon under her name and freeze, having no clue what to type.

I jump when the phone vibrates in my hand, deciding for me if I'm going to talk to her or not.

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes when I answer. "There she is." I try to sound cheerful.

"Hi. How was your day?"

I wish I could tell her the truth, but this isn't a conversation I want to have over the phone. "Can you come over?"

"Um, sure. Is everything okay?"

“Yeah, sorry. Just want to see you is all,” I lie.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

We hang up, and my stomach turns. I pour myself a shot of whiskey, trying to calm my nerves before she gets here. When she knocks, I wish I had taken a few more.

The moment I see her, everything goes haywire in my head. I kiss her with an intensity that makes her gasp in surprise. She doesn’t protest when I lead her to my room, but she resists when I start to undress her. I need to have her under me, I need to feel she’s still here and help to calm the storm brewing inside me.

“Connor, wait, please.” She pushes me, and I press back. “Connor, my god, what’s going on? Are you okay? What happened today? You’re scaring me.” She forces me to meet her eyes. “Shit,” she grunts in frustration. “Tracy told you, didn’t she?”

She steps away from me, wrapping her arms around herself and turning her back.

I’m not sure how to respond. I want to hold her. I want to tell her everything’s going to be okay, but I’m at a total loss of how to comfort her without scaring her off. So I stand here like a jackass, completely silent.

“She promised me she wouldn’t tell you. God!” she yells.

“Why didn’t you want me to know?” I finally get out, thinking it’s the safer topic.

“Because of this.” She turns around, throwing her arms in the air. “I didn’t want this. I don’t want to be looked at like the sick girl. Especially by you. I wanted something real. I thought this was going to be real.”

I step to her, holding her hands. “This is real.” I lean in to kiss her, but she pushes me away.

“No it’s not, because now I’ll always be wondering if this is what you really want or if you’re just doing this because you feel sorry for me.”

“I promise that’s not it. Yesterday and the day before were real. I had no idea then. I’m serious, Kenzie. I’m really falling for you.”

“But….” she pauses like she’s waiting for me to continue.

“There’s no but.”

“Now there is.” She puts words in my mouth. “I want to travel, but you have a treatment. I’d love to have a life with you but, oh yeah, you’re going to die.”

She pushes her way past me, grabbing her purse off the floor before opening my door. She chokes back a sob, and the sound hits me in the gut.

“Don’t leave. What are you doing?”

“I’m making this easy for the both of us. I know you don’t want to be with a sick girl. Who would? You already fulfilled my fantasy. I never in a million years thought I would get to kiss you, let alone share these amazing times together. Thank you. I’ve got to go.”

I grab her hand, trying to stop her one more time. “Please don’t go.”

“I have to, Connor. This is my reality. I can’t live in a fantasy anymore.”

Water streams from her eyes and I bend to kiss her. She pushes me away, but I pull her against me. She needs to understand I’m not going anywhere, I’m here for her.

“Don’t do this,” I beg. She sags in my arms. When my lips touch the top of her head and I whisper, “I’m here, I promise,” she straightens and yanks free.

“No, Connor, don’t do this,” she says without looking at me.

“Do what? Care about you?” I reach for her again but she runs out the door, weeping.

“Goodbye, Connor.”

The door slams.

I throw my hands around like I’m punching reality straight in the face. This is bullshit. I want to be there for her. I want to take her to doctor’s appointments and hold her hand when she’s scared.

Holy shit. Fuck. Me.

I run my hands through my hair in disbelief, finally admitting it to myself.

I love her.

Why would she not want me there to help her through this? Why the fuck are girls so confusing?

After drinking two more shots, I call the one person I never thought I would call for love advice: my sister.

“What’s up, yo?” she says slurring.

“Can you talk, or are you drunk?” I state, not beating around the bush.

“Whoa, sober now. Let me step outside.” She mentions to someone she needs to take this, and she’ll be right back. The music in the background fades, and she says, “Okay, I can hear you. What happened?”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“I take it you told her you knew?”

I huff. “Yeah, and it didn’t go well.”

“What did you do, dumbass?” she questions.

“I didn’t do anything. I swear. I asked her to come over and when I saw her I couldn't do anything but bring her to me, wanting to have her in my bed as soon as possible.”

“Okay, first, please don’t say anything like that to me ever again. And second, were you acting desperate or something? I can’t believe I’m talking to my brother about sex, but I don’t see many girls being against this fact.”

“I might have been. I panicked, so I did what I know best.”

“Again, ew, please leave that stuff out of this conversation.”

“Tracy, get over it. I fucked your best friend but, dammit, it’s so much more than that. I love her.”

“Yeah.” She sighs sadly. “I knew the second I saw you with her. Did you tell her that?”

“No, she wouldn’t give me the chance.”

“She didn’t want you to know because she doesn't want people to treat her differently. Besides her parents and me, no one else knows.”

“I don’t get it. Why would she not want anyone else to know?” I ask, frustrated with how girl’s minds work.

“For this exact reason!” Tracy yells into the phone. “You freaked out. Now she’ll never know if you’re being genuine or just acting that way because you feel sorry for her.”

“Then why did you tell me?” I growl.

“Because you’re my brother and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“It’s too late for that. I’ve already fallen. I can’t go back. And Tracy, I don’t want to.”

“Then tell her that,” she states like it’s the easiest thing on Earth to do.

“She wouldn’t let me talk. She stormed out, saying goodbye.”

“Connor, she may have said that, but she didn’t mean it. She’s scared. She needs you right now.”

“So what do I do?”

“Give her the time of her life. Show her how you feel. That’s the only way she’ll listen. But, Connor”—she pauses—“don’t fuck it up. You may be blood, but she’s my best friend.”

I let out a rough laugh. “Well, thanks. Good to know you have my back.”

“Anytime.” Someone calls her name. “I gotta go. Let me know if you need anything. Love ya, bro.”

“You, too,” I say, wanting to bang my head on the counter until I know what to do.