Dear Diary,

I know I’m stubborn to a fault. You don’t have to tell me twice. I get it. All I have to say is thank God Connor is too. Because he told me he loved me. My life is complete. From here on out things can only get better.

Mackenzie

Mackenzie

“Hey look, we actually do have another roommate,” Katy announces as I show up the next morning.

I shut the door and instantly fall against it, feeling like I need to hold on to it before I float away. “You guys….” I say with a huge smile. “He told me he loves me.”

“Shut up!” Chantel says, running up to give me a hug. “That’s amazing. But honestly, the way he sold you on being our roommate, I’m not the least bit surprised.”

“So tell us about it,” Katy says excitedly from the couch.

Telling them about last night means I’ll have to tell them everything, so I opt for a white lie. “It was so simple, so amazing, so us. I just can’t believe it. I’m going to shower. He took a personal day so I’m meeting him again to spend the day together.”

“I think we better start looking for a new roommate,” Robin teases. “It’s only a matter of time before she moves in with him.”

“Oh stop. It’s not like that,” I say over my shoulder as I leave the room.

“Uh-huh. That’s what they all say,” she yells back.

Before I undress, I sit down on the bed and call Tracy. It rings three times before she answers.

“Hi,” she barely whispers. “Do you hate me?”

“I did, but I don’t anymore. I'm calling to thank you for telling him. You were right. He deserved to know.”

“Oh, thank God! I was so freaked out these past few days. Connor told me you were pretty upset and when you didn’t return my phone calls or texts, I was tempted to drive to the city myself.”

“I’m sorry about that. I just needed time, you know?”

“Oh, I know. That’s the only reason I wasn’t on your doorstep. Believe me, if you hadn’t called me today, I was ready to head your way.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. Things are good. Life is good.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” A brief silence falls. “Kenzie…?”

“Yeah?”

“He really likes you. He told me so.”

“Yeah, he told me too.”

She sighs into the phone. “You deserve this. I still can’t believe you’ve had a crush on him all this time. Wait, this better not be why you’re my best friend. Have you been scamming me all these years just to get at my brother?” She laughs and I can’t help but join in with her.

“Dammit, you finally caught on,” I tease.

“Ha, ha, ha. Love you, girl.”

“Love you too.”

* * *

An hour later I knock on Connor’s door. He opens it immediately, kissing me before even saying hello.

“So what were you thinking for today?” I ask when we finally part.

“I want to chill. Hang out together. I thought we could lay on a beach, have a lazy day,” he says.

“The beach. Okay, I’ll get my suit.” I look down at the jeans and long sleeved shirt I’m wearing.

“Oh, no.” He grins. “This is San Francisco, remember?” He reaches for the blanket he has sitting on the couch. “We’re going to Ocean Beach. We’ll probably start a fire to keep us warm and cuddle under the blanket.”

“Oh yeah, how dare I think a beach actually be warm in this town.”

“It can be, just not today. Ready?”

I nod, and he takes my hand in his and leads me out the door.

* * *

For a summer day, this San Francisco beach is nothing you would expect. Besides a few surfers I see off in the distance, the area around us is empty. There are no families playing in the sand or frolicking in the water. Nothing but a cold coastal breeze.

Connor dug a fire pit while I laid out the blankets in the perfect spot. Being able to sit here, watching him and not having to hide it brings warmth to my heart. He catches me staring and grins back before fetching wood from the car.

Once the fire is lit, I lay back on his chest, curl between his legs and lean my head on his shoulder. “Do you want to know everything?”

“I do but only if you’re ready to tell me,” he says, kissing my head and caressing my arms.

I haven’t talked to many people about it. My parents were with me at the doctor appointments, and Tracy is the only other person who knows. When I told her, I didn’t really get into the details, not wanting to go down that road. I’m ready though.

“A few months ago, I was sitting in class and the small toe on my left foot started to tingle. I thought I was just sitting funny or pinching a nerve, but it didn’t go away and eventually spread to my other toes.”

I entangle my hand with his; thinking about how different my life was then. How carefree I was. The things that were important then don’t even show up on my radar anymore.

“Over the next few days, the tingling moved to my entire foot, and that’s when I called my parents, thinking maybe I should see a chiropractor or something. From there, everything happened fast. I went to the doctor on campus, and they immediately referred me to the hospital for more tests.”

I watch the ocean waves roll in, remembering the thoughts going through my mind while I waited for the test to be run.

“I could tell it wasn’t good news, because they ordered more tests right away and contacted a specialist. When they came back, showing the tumor, we knew things were very serious. My parents flew out to see me and meet with the doctors. Decisions were made, and they contacted doctors at UCSF hospital so I could transfer there. I moved home a week later and had surgery two days after that.”

I show him the scar on the back of my head that I’ve tried to hide from everyone by making sure my hair is down, covering it until now.

“They were hopeful at first, since we caught it so early, but it was larger than they thought and wrapped around parts of my brain like an octopus’s tentacles. It’s only a matter of time before the tentacle portions push their way through, causing more trouble.”

I lift my hand, playing with his fingers. This conversation—or me ranting and him listening—is really therapeutic. Being in his arms is giving me the strength to go on.

“They wanted me to undergo all this treatment and radiation, but even with that, they only gave me twelve to fifteen months to live.” I turn to him. “Did you know that part?”

He tucks my hair behind my ear, holding it there as the wind blows. “My friend is a doctor. I met with him the other night, and he filled me in on your diagnosis, the good and the bad. I'm glad they’ve given you a good time frame. Alan said it could have been much less.”

The way his strength in this subject wraps around me, holding me together before I fall apart, is something I never knew I needed until right this second.

“Yeah, since they got a big portion of it my life expectancy raised. Did Tracy tell you why I moved to San Francisco?”

“Does it have something to do with your diagnosis, or was it only for me?” he teases.

“No.” I slap his leg, loving the laughter he’s bringing to my soul while I bare it. “You were an added bonus.” I turn to kiss his cheek. “There is a study going on that I was accepted for. I go sit under this laser every day for a few hours at a time. It’s at UCSF, so moving here just made sense. This way I don’t have to take any medications, and they are hoping the laser will kill it from the inside. I’m sorry I lied the other day about being at an interview…” I glance at him, feeling guilty that I lied to him. “I’m not trying to get a job. Thankfully, I was able to go on disability while in the study, and that’s helping with money. That, and my parents.”

He pulls me in tighter when I pause.

“That’s why it was such a huge deal that you found me a place to live. The rent is what I was paying for my college dorm, so there hasn’t been any difference in price. When I first started looking at places in San Francisco, I thought it was a hopeless endeavor.”

“I’m glad I could help. I plan on helping more. In any way I can.”

“You know you don’t have to do this, right?”

“You know I want to though, right?” he counters.

I lay back against him, enjoying the quiet he offers to my ever-going brain.