Dear Diary,

I’m trying to ignore the symptoms, but they are there. I’m afraid to tell anyone. Please tell me they’ll go away? Please.

Mackenzie

Mackenzie

“I still can’t believe that’s my niece or nephew you’re carrying around in there,” Tracy says, rubbing my belly in greeting.

I’m about twenty weeks pregnant, and my belly is starting to get past that “I look fat stage” and people can tell I’m having a baby now. We get to find out the sex next week, and I couldn’t be more excited.

“My brother better be waiting on you hand and foot.”

“He is. The other day he painted my toenails. I couldn’t stop laughing, because I can still do it myself but he said he wanted practice for when I couldn’t do it anymore.”

She smiles warmly. “I’m glad he’s making you so happy. I truly am.”

I grin as I sit down at the table where Tracy and I are having lunch.

“So how are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m good,” I lie, and she gives me a questioning look. “I mean, I’m as good as I can be. I get a little bored at times, since there isn’t much for me to do. Connor tries to keep me busy when he’s not working. But enough about me. What’s going on with Scott?”

That changes the subject, and she is all too happy to tell me how serious they’re getting. I’m glad to hear they’re doing so well. He seems like a good guy, and he’s put up with enough shit by Connor, passing all his tests so far.

As I eat, I feel a constant need to move my left leg, feeling the strangest tingle and numbness through it. I move around, trying to not let it bother me, and hoping it’s just a pinched nerve.

“What’s the rest of your day look like?” I ask Tracy as I reach for my purse, ready to leave the restaurant after we’re finished with our meal.

I stand and find myself instantly reaching for the table for support but miss and tumble toward the floor.

“Mackenzie,” Tracy yells and lunges for me, trying to break my fall.

I end up in her arms, holding on for dear life. My leg seems to have completely gone out on me.

“Are you okay? What happened?” she asks.

She helps me back in my chair before I respond, “I don’t know. My leg was bothering me while I sat here but when I stood I lost all feeling and I couldn’t hold myself up.”

No matter how much I try to push the thought out of my head, it’s creeping up and threatening to take over, and I can’t control it anymore. The only reason I found the tumor was because my toe, then my foot, went numb. Having my entire leg feel like that is not a good sign.

The look on her face is the same fear I hold down every day.

I spend the next few minutes moving it around and stretching it out, trying to get feeling back into it. It takes a while, but I slowly regain my strength and am able to walk out on my own. Tracy stays by my side, just in case.

Once I’m seated in my car, she squats so she can look me in the eye. “Does this happen often?”

“No, this is the first time.”

“Are you noticing other symptoms?”

I don’t answer and bite the inside of my lip.

Her shoulders sag visibly. “Have you told Connor?”

“There wasn’t much to tell him until today.” I shrug, trying to defend my actions.

“It’s not just you anymore though. That’s my niece or nephew you have in there. You need to protect him or her too.” She places a hand on my belly. “Promise me you’ll talk to him and your doctor.”

I nod, keeping my mouth shut, afraid I’ll cry if I open it to speak.

“I love you, sis,” she says and we both giggle. I love it when she calls me that.

* * *

I go straight to my oncologist's office. I don’t have an appointment, but my doctor said I could call anytime, and I’m hoping he’ll have time to talk to me for a few minutes.

“Hello, can I get your name?” the receptionist asks as I approach her desk.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have an appointment. I’m Mackenzie Hayden. I’m a patient of Dr. Shaw’s. I was hoping I could talk to him for just a few minutes.”

“Go ahead and take a seat. I’ll see if he can squeeze you in.”

I choose the chair next to a side table and pick up copy of People, hoping it will keep my mind busy and my nerves calm.

I wait long enough to get bored, and then the receptionist calls me back to Dr. Shaw’s office and leaves me alone to wait. There are no magazines here so I twitch and checkout the decor, getting nervous again.

“Mackenzie,” he says when he finally joins me. “This is a surprise. Is everything okay?” He sits behind his desk and waits for me to speak.

“No, it’s not.” I tell him what happened at lunch with Tracy, not hiding my fear and being completely honest with him.

His face falls, and he sits back with a sigh. My stomach drops, telling me all I need to know without saying a word. We sit in silence until he purses his lips together and leans forward, resting his elbows on the desk. “I’m sorry to hear this. I was hoping you wouldn’t get to this point for a few more months. How far along are you now?”

“Twenty weeks.”

He nods, tapping his fingers on the desk. When we told him I was pregnant, he didn’t have the best reaction. Originally he’d advised against it, since they didn’t know how fast my tumor would grow and whether or not pregnancy hormones would accelerate that.

I went through more tests and since the laser treatment was still proving affective, I’d secretly hoped everything would stay as is for the rest of my life.

“I don’t really know what to tell you until we do an MRI,” he says.

“No,” I reply instantly.

“Mackenzie, we have ways to protect your child. We’ll do the MRI without contrast. It's the safest imaging for a pregnant woman. Until I know what’s going on, I can’t guide you on how to proceed.”

“Tell me this first…. These symptoms aren’t a good sign, are they?”

He takes a deep breath. “No.”

“Is there anything you can do if I get this scan, and the results aren’t what we want to hear?”

“Surgery, maybe. It all depends on what part of your tumor is causing the issues.”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, maybe. My fear is one of the portions we couldn’t get has grown and is wrapping around your brain even more.”

“You promise it’s safe for the baby?” I ask to make sure.

“It won’t affect your child in any way. Do you have time today? Let’s get you downstairs for the scan, and we can talk about our options once we know more.”

I nod and he leads me to another part of the building.

Words can’t express what’s going through my mind. When tests were first run all those months ago, I wondered what would happen to me and worried about school. Now, looking back, everything I was concerned about then seems trivial.

All that matters is making sure the baby is safe. For the first time since I found out I had cancer, I honestly don’t care what happens to me, as long as my child is going to be okay. My life has completely different meaning now.

A fear I’ve never felt washes through me and I’m not sure what’s worse at this point, knowing or not knowing.