Chapter 3
Lila
I was in my bedroom, sitting on the carpet with my back to the door.
I couldn’t tell if I was shivering because I was cold; even though I had no reason to be, or if I was just afraid. Still afraid. When would I stop being afraid?
Before the shooting, despite leading a rather unusual lifestyle, I had a pretty ‘normal’ life. It was the normal I knew and it was the life that my dad had worked very hard to give me. He hadn’t spared me any luxuries, and he wanted me to live well. Even though I hung out with the members of his MC, and I worked at the auto body shop, Daddy had managed to keep me far away from the violence and the life of crime that he and his friends had been involved with.
Now, that I had gotten a taste of his life on the outside; I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I’d had a brush with death and there was no way I could just forget about it.
Now I could hear the boys outside in my house, walking around, opening cans of beer and talking loudly. Since the day before, since the shooting; they hadn’t left me alone or let me have a moment to myself. There was always somebody in my house, either my dad and Fred, or Rodeo and Abe, or somebody else from the MC.
This was exactly the reason why I had bought this cottage on the other side of town, miles and miles away from the auto shop and the bar and where everyone else lived. I wanted to keep that aspect of my life—my association with my dad and the MC, separate from my personal life. Living this far away made it difficult for the others to keep coming to my place.
Now however, they had a reason to and they just refused to leave me alone.
I was afraid. No matter how many guns I saw around the bar, or the guns I saw in dad’s house or the ones that were openly stuffed into Rodeo and Abe’s belts…I had never imagined that a gun would ever be pointed at me.
Someone had taken a shot at me in broad daylight, in the middle of a crowd. That bullet had left me unharmed, but it could have killed me. It could have killed any of the other people around me on the road.
I had always assumed that despite everything, my dad would be able to keep this away from me. Never, not once, had I thought that my life could be in danger, and that was all that I was thinking about now.
I knocked the back of my head against the door and pressed my eyes closed. What kind of a life was this for me to lead? When I was afraid to step out of my house! When I was too scared to go meet the kids at the foster care center? I’d had to cancel our ice cream outing at the last minute because I was shaken up. And since then, I hadn’t been able to leave the house. I had responsibilities, and it killed me to know that I couldn’t live up to them.
“Lila, mouse, sweetheart, will you come out and talk to us?” it was my dad knocking on the door again. They’d been trying to get me out of my bedroom the whole morning, but I didn’t want to see them.
All I wanted to do was remain locked up in this room, till all of this blew over. But when was it going to blow over? Was I ever going to be safe? I was horrified at the thought that I would never be able to go anywhere by myself, that I would never be able to walk down the road alone. I was afraid and depressed at the thought that I might always be looking over my shoulder.
“Lila!” dad’s knocks became stronger and I remained silent, sitting on the same spot by the door. I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to see any of the guys. I was mad at all of them for putting me in this position.
I hadn’t been able to eat or sleep or take a shower, go to work or go to the foster care center since this happened. And I hated feeling helpless.
“Lila! I’m going to have to ask Rodeo to break down this door if you don’t come out here and talk to us!” dad sounded fake-mad. I knew he was trying to be firm with me, but I also knew that he was as shaken up.
My dad couldn’t imagine that someone had taken a shot at his precious daughter. That I had been inches away from my death…and it was all because of him, and because of the things that he had chosen to get us involved in.
“Okay, Rodeo is here and he’s going to break down this door. So, stand back, Lila!” dad yelled and I stood up from the floor with a huff.
I jiggled the doorknob and pulled the door open. Outside, I found dad standing, staring at me with a worried expression on his face. He was flanked by Rodeo and Fred on either side.
“What do you fucking want from me?” I screeched. I could feel the veins on my neck, throbbing and pulsating with rage. I knew that my cheeks were tear stained. My hair was a mess. I was still in my pajamas and I hadn’t bothered to change out of them.
“Lila, mouse, just come out here so we can talk to you,” dad said, in a soft voice, like I was a child.
“What could you possibly have to say to me?” I screeched and dad took in a deep breath and shook his head.
“We’re all very sorry that this happened to you, mouse, and I can promise you that we’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. You trust me right? You trust Daddy?” he continued and reached for my hand, which I yanked away from him.
“No, dad, in fact I don’t trust you at all. Or your ability to keep me safe. I almost got killed yesterday because of the shit you’re involved in. Mom was right. Mom should have left you and taken me far away from you when she had the chance!” I kept yelling. I wasn’t thinking straight as I spoke. I knew that the things I was saying were hurtful and despite everything, dad didn’t deserve to hear any of this.
I could see the embarrassed expression on Rodeo’s face. He clenched his jaws and walked away from us, assuming that it was a family matter and that we needed our privacy. Fred still remained there.
Dad hadn’t said anything, I knew that he couldn’t. He was blaming himself for everything that had happened.
“Lila, I know you’re sorry for what you just said. Let’s sit down and have a drink and talk this over,” Fred said, in a soft affectionate voice.
I knew I’d hurt dad, so I followed them to the kitchen, where Rodeo was already cracking open a few cans of beer. They sat down around the kitchen table, but I remained standing—in order to show my non compliance.
“Lila, sit down, mouse,” dad said, in a low gruff voice and I crossed my arms over my breasts instead.
“What do you want to discuss? I was there, I know what happened. I was shot at because you’ve pissed people off!” I barked at him, and he exchanged looks with Fred, who was cradling a can of beer in his hands.
“I know you’re upset, sweetheart, and you should be. You’ve had a shock,” dad said.
“I nearly died! It’s more than just about having a shock. You almost got your daughter killed!” I screamed and I watched as dad ran his hand through his thinning grey hair. I thought I detected his hand shaking. I had never seen my dad’s hands shaking! He had always been the picture of strength and anger. I wished I could feel sorry for him, and see things from his perspective—but I couldn’t. He had made me a prisoner in my own home.
“Okay, Lila, why don’t you sit down and we can discuss how to go about this,” Fred interjected and I turned my angry eyes to him.
“How to go about what? I’m afraid to leave my house. I’m afraid to go to work or to the foster care center. I’m afraid to do anything or lead my normal life!” I continued yelling.
“It’s only been a day, Lila, you’ll feel better in a few hours, maybe tomorrow,” Rodeo said and I rolled my eyes at him. I couldn’t imagine feeling better. I couldn’t imagine feeling safe anywhere or with anyone ever again.
“And you shouldn’t be afraid of leaving the house, Lila, you should go to work and do the things you want to do,” Fred continued and I shook my head. They didn’t understand. This was their life. I didn’t even want to know how many times they got shot at on a daily basis. But this wasn’t my life. This wasn’t the life I had chosen for myself.
“I’m not leaving the house!” I declared and dad widened his eyes at me. I could see the worry in his gaze.
“You can’t stay locked up here forever, Lila, you have to get out. I promise you we’ll keep you safe. We’ll make sure this never happens again,” dad insisted and I shook my head. I was already starting to back out of the kitchen.
“I’m not leaving my house,” I said with trembling lips. They had no idea how afraid I was. It was a strange feeling to know that even your father couldn’t keep you safe anymore.
Dad stood up from his chair, and looked at me insistently.
“I’ve arranged for a guy to come and be with you, everywhere you go. He’ll stay on the porch outside your door when you’re at home. He’ll keep you safe,” dad told me and I shook my head.
“I don’t need a bodyguard. I don’t need any help from you!” I shrieked and Rodeo took a step towards me. He looked like a lost man, grappling for ways to calm me down. None of them could. They didn’t know how.
“Lila…you need a bodyguard, at least for some time, till all this blows over. It’s for your own protection. You’ll feel safe and then you can go about your life,” dad said and I turned from him and walked out of the kitchen.
I could hear the scraping of chairs against the floor. Fred, Rodeo and my dad were following me to my room again.
“Lila! Don’t you lock yourself up in your room again. You need to talk to us!” I heard dad roar as they followed me. I wrapped my arms around my torso, hugging myself to stop the tears from gushing down my cheeks. How much longer was I going to randomly keep bursting into tears? I had never been a crier, and now it seemed like I just couldn’t stop crying.
“Lila!” dad yelled, just as I stepped into my room.
“Brother, let her go. She just needs some time,” I heard Fred whisper to my dad and I shut the door behind me.
In my room, I could still hear their voices outside. Dad and Fred and Rodeo were discussing me. They were all worried, but they also didn’t quite know how to deal with my fear.
“Mouse, you’re going to get that bodyguard tomorrow whether you like it or not. I have to do everything I can to keep you safe,” I heard my father’s voice on the other side of the door. He sounded defeated, and I would have hugged him if I could, but I couldn’t find the strength in me to forgive him. I could only hear my mother’s voice as she fought with him. As she begged him to give up the MC and try and build a normal family life for me. I blamed him, and I blamed him as a father for what was happening to me.
I couldn’t have a normal life because of his choices, and now my life was in danger.
I walked over to my bed and dropped down on it, burying myself under a jumble of covers and pillows. It sort of made me feel safe, at least for the time being.
It was hot and the large bay window in my room remained open, billowing the thin curtain with its soft warm breeze. I stared up at the ceiling fan as I remained lying on the bed. I was scared and angry and felt defeated. I wished I had just run away to the East Coast, but I never had the chance and now it was probably too late. For all I knew, I was being constantly watched.