Chapter 16
Noah
I was an idiot. A complete and the most despicable idiot.
I returned to my place, hating myself more than ever. I could only imagine what she was feeling at the moment, and it would be completely justified because I did the same shit I did to her seven years ago. I left her again. If I had any chance of getting her forgiveness, it was totally gone after this morning.
The whole way home was brutal. I was constantly reminded by how sweet and sexy she was last night, her kisses and the silky feel of her body against mine forever engraved in my memory. I saw it in her eyes. She was ready to try again, and she was giving me her all, even though I had yet to apologize to her and beg her for forgiveness.
But I fucked everything up. I didn’t beg her for forgiveness. I didn’t say sorry. I just managed to ruin everything and make her hate me more than ever. For, despite our past and the years we spent apart, she still felt something for me. I was able to feel it last night, but I was sure I destroyed that with how I left her this morning. I was the biggest douchebag on the earth.
I went to take a shower, haunted by the memories of Emma. My cock was rock-hard when I stepped inside the shower, and I couldn’t stop myself. I grabbed my cock and jerked it slowly, thinking about Emma’s warm pussy. Fuck, her pussy.
After last night, it was going to be even harder for me to forget about her. I pressed my head against the bathroom tiles, stroking my cock, but then I stopped because it only made me feel worse. I only wanted Emma more, and the gnawing feeling that something was completely missing grew stronger.
Before I could stop it, the flashes of my last night’s nightmare appeared in front of my eyes, so real as if it was actually happening.
“You’re a killer!” my enemy shouted to me, and every muscle in my body tensed, horror claiming me.
“What are you doing here?!” I shouted back to him and gripped Emma’s upper arms hard. My grip was going to leave bruises, but I was too angry to be able to worry about her. All that mattered was this anger, this unfair pain…
“You killed me, murderer. You’re a monster. You deserve the worst!”
I was so furious that I was ready to inflict pain on him…
“Fuck no!” I punched the tile, welcoming the sharp pain that came from the impact. I had begun trembling, anger and fear fighting for dominance in me.
No. I had to stop thinking about this. I would go nuts if I returned to that nightmare… I had to push it away from me.
I finished showering in a few quick minutes and went to my living room, wondering what I could do to get Emma out of my mind. I had turned off my phone when I left her place because I knew that she would call, but the need to turn it on and check if she called me was too strong at the moment.
More than anything, I wished I could explain everything to her and take her in my arms, but I didn’t deserve her. I couldn’t be so selfish and call her when our relationship would lead to a disaster. I could hurt her terribly any moment, and I would rather hurt alone for the rest of my life than causing her any harm. The nightmare was a warning. It reminded me of the true horrors and of what I was capable of.
I needed to figure out the way to keep her safe. I wouldn’t be the one to hurt her, so the best way for me to do that was to never see Emma again.
At that, another wave of pain hit me, and I fisted my hands, telling myself I had to get over her. I was able to get over her in the army, so I would be able to get over her again.
More flashes of the nightmare assaulted me, and I closed my eyes.
I was so angry, on the verge of hurting the enemy soldier. I stepped toward him, but then Emma grabbed my arm in an attempt to stop me.
“Noah, no! Don’t do it!”
“I have to!” I screamed at her.
“Noah, don’t—”
I pushed her away and swung my fist at the enemy soldier, but Emma stepped in between us at the last possible moment, and my fist ended on her face by accident, making her lips crack.
I gasped and jumped to my feet, fighting for the air. That and something much worse could happen if I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from her. The flashes of the nightmare created an immense anger in me, and I stood up and began pacing around the place in a bid to tone it down.
Music. Music could help me.
The army therapist mentioned me the ways to calm myself down when I was too angry, and music was one of the suggestions.
I went to the stereo system and played an old Bon Jovi CD. It was Emma’s. She came to my place with this CD once and forgot to take it with her. I had it ever since, and I played it whenever I felt like shit. I didn’t particularly like this kind of music, but it always reminded me of Emma and her sweet smile, which was, strangely enough, helpful.
I returned to the couch and lay down, hoping to fall asleep and forget about the mess I created. Hoping I wouldn’t dream of Emma or even worse—have another nightmare.