Chapter 18
Noah
The music didn’t help, and I couldn’t sleep a wink. I knew that my anger probably had to do with not being around Emma, but I knew that by being with her it would only be worse for her in the end.
But as much as I reasoned with myself, the anger persisted, and I couldn’t stay in my place anymore. I had to go out.
Deciding on a whim to call Jake and go out with him, I turned on my phone. I was immediately greeted with messages and missed calls, but I was interested in only one missed call, and that was Emma’s. She called me a while ago, like I had predicted.
I just stared at her name on my screen, wondering how the hell I had messed it up so badly that I even gave her my phone number. I ran my hand over my face, too tempted to actually call her.
No. I had to snap out of this. I ignored all messages and missed calls but Jake’s and texted him back. He wanted to know what happened last night, and I told him that I would talk with him about it over a few beers. Maybe talking with him could help me solve what was troubling me. After all, two heads were better than one.
An hour later, we sat in a bar and ordered our dinks. The music wasn’t loud so we could talk.
“That girl last night… That was Emma, right?” he asked me.
“Yes.”
“Wow. I can’t believe it. She looks a bit different, so I haven’t recognized her… But I thought you two weren’t in good terms.”
“We are not.”
“Then what was all of that about?” he asked, referring to the last night’s incident.
I let out a long sigh, deciding to tell him the whole truth. “I’m afraid it’s a long story.”
“Don’t worry about it. I have time.”
“I don’t know if you know much about our breakup, but it happened several months after I left for the army.”
“Mhm. I know something because my sister is a friend of one of Emma’s friends. You know how quickly gossip can spread around. I heard that she wrote to you but you didn’t write back at all.”
“That’s true. I stopped our communication after I joined the army.”
“Why?”
I sighed again. “Because I was changing. Jake, man…” I shook my head. “The life in the army isn’t all sunshine and roses. It’s even worse than what we usually hear about, and it caught up with me pretty fast. You know that my father was a soldier too, but even that didn’t prepare me for the fact that I would have to look death in the eyes almost every single day.”
His eyebrows furrowed, an expression of sympathy showing on his face. “I’m so sorry, man. I had no clue. I thought that it gets easier in time.”
“And it gets… But in the process, you lose yourself. You stop caring about people and you become a machine because that is the only way you’re able to go through everyday pain and loss. At the same time, it’s traumatic, and before you know it, it leaves scars deep in you.”
He remained silent, letting me pour out my deepest feelings and thoughts.
“So, I started changing for the worse, becoming a danger to the people around me, and I knew I couldn’t expose Emma to the new me. I didn’t want her involved into the mess that my life has become.”
“So, is that why you broke up?”
“Yes. But knowing what the best for her was didn’t mean I got to move on easily. For years, I couldn’t forget about her, but I returned home determined to continue living my life the best I could, without her in it, of course.”
“Then last night happened?”
“Then last night happened. I couldn’t even count on the possibility that Emma could be in that bar too, and it was too much. I was instantly overwhelmed and reminded of how much she meant to me. How much I still care about her.”
“But she was with talking with that guy,” he spurred me on.
“Yeah. And I completely lost it. I was so jealous that I couldn’t think reasonably anymore. I went there with the intention to get her to talk with me, even if I had to hurt the guy in the process.”
I took a sip of my beer and closed my eyes for a couple of moments, willing my rising anger away.
“But then I saw fear in her eyes, and I knew I couldn’t scare her away. Because hurting that guy would definitely scare her away, and I wouldn’t have any chances of being with her again.”
“So, you want to be with her again?”
“I wanted too. Last night. For a few hours, I let myself forget how dangerous I was. I let myself believe we could manage to work everything out.”
“I sense one big ‘but’ in that one.”
“You’re right. There is a big ‘but’. Everything was perfect. I was so sure we would get back together, but last night I had a nightmare in which I accidentally hurt Emma, which reminded me that I was a monster who should be far away from her. So, I acted like a shithead again because I left her this morning without any explanation. I can only imagine what she thinks of me now, and it would be for a very good reason.”
Jake tsked. “Damn, bro. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“Hard on myself? That’s the truth, Jake. If you’ve seen all the things I’m capable of, you wouldn’t be saying that.”
“I know, but your past is in the past. And you were in the army. Of course, you had to be ready to do many things to protect your country! But you know what is also important? You’re aware of those bad things, so you can work on solving them.”
“I’m working on solving my issues. I’m trying my hardest every day.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that it’s not enough. I can never know when I’d get angry so much that I wouldn’t be able to control it at all. In that case, I could hurt anyone, even Emma, and I can’t let that happen ever.”
He rubbed his chin, tilting his head to the side. “I feel that you’re making a big thing out of this ‘protecting Emma from me’ situation.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that maybe Emma is the solution to your problems. Shit, man, based on your story, I can see that you two still love each very much and want to be together, so maybe you can feel better if you have Emma next to you.”
“You think that my anger would lessen or be easily controlled with her next to me?”
“Exactly. Of course, you would feel alone, depressed, or angry when you’re alone like this, but if you have the person you love next to you, I’m sure you’ll feel much, much better. So instead of pushing Emma away, give it a shot. Try it for both of your sakes.”
“But I can hurt her—”
“You don’t know that. You’re so sure that you will hurt her in one way or another, but how can you actually know that? What if you never hurt her? You have to consider that possibility too. So, don’t lose something precious just because you’re too scared. Because you know that you’re acting like a coward now, right? You’re acting like a coward and a douchebag because that girl cares about you, and you’re just going to cut her out of your life with no explanation at all again, and she doesn’t deserve that.”
I was rendered speechless, realizing just how right he was and how wrong I had been all this time. He was right. I had thought I was protecting Emma, but I was only acting like a selfish coward instead. I was calling all the shots, but that wasn’t fair to Emma at all. She also had a say in this, and I shouldn’t exclude her from my life without at least giving her an explanation.
And the only thing that could possibly make me feel better was Emma. So maybe she could be my remedy. She could be my anchor and my saving grace.
“You’re absolutely right, Jake,” I told him at last, feeling grateful to him for saying all those things to me. I needed to hear them. “I was so lost in my anger and pain that I didn’t even consider the possibility that Emma could be the key. She could be the one that can make everything better for me.”
A huge smile spread across his face. “That’s my man. So, what are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to try to fix things. I’ll go to her place and explain myself. I will ask her to try again.”
“I wish you a good luck. You’ll need it.”
I knew that. But now I was finally ready to fight for her. No more mistakes or running away. I would make things right this time and give my best to get her back.
Because now I knew. There was no way for me to live my life without her. She was my everything. And I was going to make sure she was happy next to me for the rest of our lives.