Saturday, November 23rd
Anthony
Walking away from my sunshine was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Her words were ringing in my ears and the look on her face was burned into memory. I put that look there. I barely got to my car when Matt’s voice cut through me.
“Anthony! Stop for one damn minute!”
They didn’t get it and that was my fault. I never shared anything in my past with them because I wanted to keep it my past. But now, my past was creating a horrible problem for me. Again. Sydney deserved better than me and what I could give. I couldn’t give her what she needed, despite what Matt and Colin think.
I started my car as I approached it and unlocked it. My body was hurting and I didn’t need Matt adding to it.
“Anthony, stop!”
I opened my door and looked over the roof of my car at him. I held my hands up in defense letting him know I wasn’t going to argue.
“You can still fix this, man. Don’t fuck it up.”
I ran my hands through my hair. I couldn’t hear this. Hearing Colin’s words tore holes in me. Colin and Matt were my only family and they felt confident that I could be Sydney’s Dom and love her. I hated arguing with Matt or Colin. Both had me on their death list right now though.
“I can’t Matt. Please, I’m asking you as my friend. Please just leave it and trust me when I say that I can’t.”
He seemed to be thinking about what I was saying to him. He put his hands up on the roof of my car and looked at me.
“And I’m telling you, as a brother. You are what she needs and she loves you. Do you hear me? That girl loves you.”
I slapped my hand on the top of my car and rubbed on my face.
“Stop saying that shit, Matt! I can’t! I’m telling you this. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s had enough of that.”
“Walking out on her tonight, will have hurt her far more than whatever shortcomings you think that you have.”
He backed away from my car and I jumped in. It was cold when I slid down into the seat but I deserved cold. I backed out of the driveway and left Matt standing there. I drove with urgency to get away from the house. I didn’t want to allow myself to talk me into going back. I couldn’t. I’d only hurt her and I couldn’t do that. I drove towards my high-rise condo with the windows down. I hoped the cold air from the outside would clear my head some.
I was ice cold and wanted to be back under the blanket with Sydney in our paradise. I left her on a night that was so important to her. She did her first scene and I was a part of it. I’m such a dick and a coward. Matt is right.
I pulled into the valet section reserved for Urban Tower residents and left my car running with the fob in it before the attendant came over. I didn’t care if I ever saw it again. I didn’t care about anything right now and I hated myself for doing what I had done tonight. I finished buttoning my shirt and walked over to the elevators.
While I waited, the comforting white noise coming from the Balcony Pub was calling me. I could go in there and get lost for a while. I ignored the chime of the elevator and trudged into the Balcony Pub and took up a seat at the busy bar. I glanced at my watch. It was only 12:40 a.m. so the place was still active.
“May I help you, sir?”
Sir. Fuck that. I didn’t deserve that title at all. I was pure garbage and worthless. Just like Bruce said I was. Turns out all these years that I tried to keep myself from proving him right, I ended up like he said I was anyhow. Fucking useless.
“Scotch.”
The bartender nodded and soon I had a nice glass in front of me. I grabbed it and downed it all at once. I welcomed the punishing burn as it slid down my throat. I deserved the burn. I set my phone out on the counter and put it on silent. I watched the screen continue to light up with missed phone calls and texts from Colin and Matt. I kept the shots coming and began mixing scotch and vodka.
Sunshine, I am so sorry. I wished I could have explained myself, but I couldn’t. As I sat there, I tried to figure out where things went wrong and figured that I’d probably die of a heart attack by the time the weekend is through. Maybe I’ll end up in the emergency room tonight. No, wait a second. Then they’d fix my chest or whatever the fuck was wrong with me. I deserved to hurt.
Those evening talks with Sydney were so fucking nice. Even though she shared painful things, I was there to comfort her. I was able to do that. I can’t be all bad. Maybe ninety percent bad and ten percent good.
She’d sit in my arms and pour her heart out while I held her. Our baths were wonderful. I loved the way she looked when she smiled and laughed. I could make her laugh and blush. I loved the way she felt in my arms. My sunshine. Mine. Maybe eighty percent bad and twenty percent good.
I helped her find pleasure in sex. I could dominate her the way she needed and desired and I could do it in a nurturing way. Even though it was pretty mild for me, I could tell she liked it. Those few times Colin and I played with her were the best sexual experiences of my life. They were easily the most fulfilling. I’ve had lots of sex and I knew the times with Sydney were my favorite. They meant something to me. It wasn’t just another sub that just wanted to scene with me so they could tell their sub friends they played with me. Sydney meant something. She’s different than many other subs I’ve come into contact with. She has heart. She could light up the darkest nights, but I’m too dark for her. I have too much dark in my past to help her through hers. Ninety-nine percent bad. One percent good. Maybe not even good, just semi-decent.
Still, I wanted her. I loved when she touched me. I loved when she wrapped her bruised hand around my arm at night and took hold of my shirt. In the beginning she’d clutch my shirt in her hands to fall asleep. Then when I stopped sleeping in a shirt, she’d let her hand rest against my chest or take hold of my shorts or pants. I loved her hands on my body. Her hands felt different than other subs. It was like she knew me. She was familiar with me. She trusted me and needed me. She knew I’d take care of her. And I fucked that up.
2:35 a.m. Fuck. My chest and stomach were killing me. I stood and felt sicker. I headed down the hall towards the bathroom and began to see blotchy spots. I knew what was coming. Sydney knew what this was like too. My chest stopped aching right before the blotchy spots took over to claim victory.