Tuesday, November 26th
Anthony
Even though I was awake, the alarm clock still startled me. Fuck. I shut it off and kissed her forehead.
“Are you awake, sunshine?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“What’s on your mind, sweetie?”
“I’m nervous about the appointment.”
I exhaled the air I was holding in my lungs. I knew she was afraid to go, but Colin and I were hopeful that it would help.
“Sunshine, I will be with you.”
“I know. Thank you for going with me.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. Come on sweetheart, we should get up.”
I placed a call down to the concierge and requested some bandages and ointment as we moved around the bathroom. Of course Sydney told me that she was fine and didn’t need anything. I wasn’t going to let that thing be uncovered as it was. It would just rub against her clothes and get worse. Before we got into the shower, the concierge brought up the bandages and some medicated gel. I took it to the bathroom and waved the bandages in the air. She was smiling so I was still floating in her ocean.
After our somewhat playful shower, I pat dried her back and treated the wound along with another soft looking scab with the ointment and then applied the bandage.
I retrieved the overnight bag from the kitchen counter and set her clothes out on my dresser and went back into the bathroom to finish getting ready. I wore jeans and a blue button down shirt with a gray tee shirt under it and Sydney wore the outfit I packed for her. I loved seeing her smile when she saw her Converse. Comfort was key today.
“Ready, sunshine? We’ll stop and have breakfast downstairs.”
Sydney and I didn’t have to wait, and were seated at a quaint table to for two. I skimmed over the menu and glanced up at Sydney. She was looking at the menu but I decided to help her out some. I know she likes that.
“Anything look good to you?”
“Um, maybe just the cinnamon roll.”
Um. It was no surprise. I knew she was nervous. I slid my hand across the table, palm up for her to take. My hand quickly closed around hers and I gave it a squeeze.
“Sunshine, Colin wouldn’t be happy if I let you just eat a cinnamon roll. It’s not enough. How about the fruit plate too? I’ll help you eat some.”
“Yes, Sir.”
I ordered for us and tried to get her talking with me.
“Matt’s family is coming to town tonight for the holiday. His family is like one of those families out of a sixties TV show.” She laughed a little and smiled. That was better. “All joking aside, they’re very nice, Sydney. Colin can’t wait for you to meet them.”
“From everything you and Colin have said about them, they sound great. How many siblings does he have?”
“Matt is the youngest of three boys. Mark and John are his older brother’s names. Mark is a professor at UCLA and John is a psychologist like Matt’s dad.”
“Wow, family of medicine. His folks must be proud.”
“They are. His folks would be proud no matter what though.” I squeezed her hand and smiled at her. “They’re wonderful people. They took Colin in, raised him well.”
“He’s fortunate.”
I nodded at her as our food was placed on the table. I ordered pancakes and suddenly wasn’t very hungry either. I tried though. Sydney nibbled on the pastry and ate some fruit. I stabbed a small triangle of pancakes and held it out for her. Her eyes sparkled and she leaned forward and accepted the offered pancakes. Submissive to the bone.
“Anthony, thank you for our date. I had a really good time and even learned a few things about you. You’re too good to me. Thank you.”
I pulled her into my arms and kissed the top of her head. If she only knew how badly I wanted her. I just couldn’t put it into words yet.
“You deserve it. I did it because I wanted to, not out of obligation.”
We slowly walked to valet and while we waited for the car, I glanced at my phone. Two texts. Matt and Colin. I knew they were both thinking of Sydney this morning.
MR: Anth, let me know if you guys want to meet for lunch.
CE: Take extra care of her today. Don’t let her push you away. She needs you, Anth.
I opened Sydney’s door and motioned for her to jump in. I shut the door gently and took a few deep breaths before I got into the car.
“Sunshine, we’re going to call Colin. He’d want to talk to you.”
I dialed and as expected, Colin was waiting right by his phone. I glanced at my watch and realized it was going on one in the morning for him.
“Hey,” Colin said in a tired voice.
“Hey man, Sydney and I are in the car and heading to see Chris.”
I knew Colin wouldn’t bust my balls about the speakerphone. He talked briefly to Sydney and of course he knew the right things to say to her.
“Baby, I’m going to be home tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see you guys and hear about your appointment. We’ll talk all about it. But, I want you to stay close to Anthony today and tonight and let him take care of you. He will know how to help you, baby.”
“What if I’m fine and don’t need anything?”
She wasn’t saying that to be a rebel. She honestly didn’t know what to expect. Colin finally piped up.
“Anthony will know.”
I fucking hope he was right. Sydney and I talked with Colin the rest of the way to the office and talked about the upcoming holiday. It was good because I felt like he was really here and it was good for Sydney. It kept her mind off the rapidly approaching 10:00 appointment. Maybe I was worrying about it too much. When my dad took me home with him when I was seventeen, he had me talking to a psychologist and from what I remember, the first few times were mostly introductory type of visits with the doctor trying to get to know you and that sort of thing. The important thing was that it was a kink friendly doctor and a personal friend of Matt’s. I parked and shut the car off, but neither of us moved. I brought her hands to my lips.
“It’ll be okay, sunshine. Afterwards we’ll have lunch with Gina and Matt if you’d like.”
“Yeah, I think that’d be nice.”
I walked around and opened the door for her and we headed into the office. There weren’t any people waiting in the waiting room and when we walked in, a woman appearing to be in her fifties stood from behind the desk and smiled.
“Good morning, you must be Sydney and Anthony. I’m Tricia Anderson.”
She was the office manager and the wife of the doctor. She seemed friendly. Unfortunately, my mind was too busy with concerns over Sydney to be extra pleasant. I nodded as we approached the counter.
“Good morning,” I said and took the outstretched clipboard from her and led Sydney to a chair.
Sydney’s legs started to bounce and her hands were together on her lap pulling at the other one. I calmly reached over and put my hand over hers. The legs stopped bouncing and her hands stilled in mine. Her small fingers wrapped around my index finger. Fuck, she was really nervous and scared. I leaned over and kissed her temple and whispered to her that I was right here.
Sydney began filling out the paper on the clipboard and soon Chris appeared. I was extremely protective of Sydney and immediately began sizing him up. He looked professional. Black pants, dark blue shirt and black tie. He looked friendly. Matt’s friend. I had to keep that in mind. Matt trusted Chris so Colin and I had no reason not to also. Chris walked out in the waiting area to greet us.
“Hello, Sydney.” He looked over at me and shook my hand. “Hello, Anthony. I’m Chris. If you’re ready, please follow me.”
Sydney stood and looked at me. I knew she wanted me to come back with her but I really wasn’t sure if Chris would be okay with it. Thankfully he sensed her unease and spoke up.
“Anthony, you’re more than welcome to join us.”
I nodded and we followed him down a short hall to a spacious room. I could tell it was his personal office because he had a desk off to the side and the sitting area was the focal point of the room. Tricia walked in and placed two bottles of water on the coffee table in front of us and then left, closing the door softly behind her.
On the table to the side of Chris was a manila file folder. It was her hospital file. Fuck, it hit me hard as I stared at it. Those files hold everything horrible. It’s all chronicled in there. All the shit Howard physically put her though. I had a file folder like that and recently let Matt and Colin in on it. Those were terribly stressful files. And now, my sunshine had one.
I had a hard time pulling my eyes away from that file. It held every private and painful bit of personal information. In it, there were photos of her battered, burned and tortured body. I was nearly sick to my stomach staring at her file laying like a magazine on the coffee table. I don’t know why it hit me like a freight train just then. I’ve seen her body and heard the nightmares, but when I saw the file folder I realized how much she and I had in common. These weren’t good things to have in common.
Sydney was sitting with her hands knitted together on her lap and was sitting forward on the seat. I sat back and put my arm on the back of the couch behind her. I had to pull my mind from the fucking folder and concentrate on her.
“Sydney, I first wanted to let you know that I already have some background on your situation and recent events from Colin and Matt. I have your medical file here. I gather you’re aware because Colin told Matt he discussed it with you, and you had consented to the release.” He looked up at her for her confirmation.
“Yes, Colin talked to me. It’s fine.”
Chris nodded and sat back in his chair and glanced over a few of his notes before speaking again.
“I read through it several times to familiarize myself with some injuries you’ve sustained. From the medical report and from my talks with Colin, it sounds like you’re getting out of an abusive D/s relationship.” Sydney nodded and I started to reach over to put my hand on top of hers to give her strength but Chris glanced over at me, halting my move. “Go ahead, Anthony. It’s clear that you two have a bond. Please, feel free to provide comfort when you feel it’s needed.”
I nodded and took hold of her hand and gave her a squeeze. Chris spoke about how unfortunately there are some out in the kink community that give it a bad reputation. He said he was pretty sure Howard was just using the title of a dominant to hurt people. I’m sure he was dead on.
“We’ll get into that later, but we’ll start off easier than that.” He smiled at her and pulled up his notebook and was trying to confirm some information with her. “So you’re twenty-seven, raised here in Las Vegas. Any siblings?”
“No.”
He nodded and continued reading something and then frowned. What the fuck was that all about? He picked up her medical file and opened it up and read something, shut it and then picked up the paper she was filling out in the waiting room. He read something from it and then started writing. Are you fucking kidding me? Why the fuck do psych doctors do this shit in front of a vulnerable client?
“What do your folks do?” He asked.
It seemed like an innocent enough question and he looked up from his notepad to look at Sydney. She had tensed when he asked her about her parents. Why would she tense at that? I looked over at her and she was frowning and pulling on her fingers.
“Sydney, I’m only asking about your folks because I noticed on the medical form, you don’t have either of your parents listed. They aren’t just missing from the emergency contact section, but from the family history section. I remembered Colin telling me that you didn’t have anyone listed on your employment file as an emergency contact. So I was just curious as to why.”
“They live in Arizona. I’m adopted.”
He was writing again in his notebook but looked up when he finished. It looked like he wanted to add something but he closed his mouth and went back to his notes.
“Colin and Matt have both commented on your nightmares and Colin mentioned they occur almost nightly and sometimes multiple times a night. Is that accurate?”
“Yes.”
“It’s okay, Sydney. No shame in that. I want to make this one of our priorities to work through, okay?” Sydney nodded. “Colin said he gave you a journal to record anything you can remember from your nightmares. Are you still doing it?”
“Yes, but sometimes it’s hard. I don’t remember a lot from them. Just broken fragments.”
“That’s very common. Do they all have a similar theme?”
“It’s always Howard.”
Chris nodded slowly and wrote a few more things down.
“When did you get interested or involved in the lifestyle?”
“Um, it was during college. A friend in the dorms took me to a party. I didn’t know what BDSM was but I found out that I really liked a lot of what I saw. The following weekend my friend and I went to a BDSM club close to campus.
“Which one?”
“Tails.”
Chris looked up and commented on how that club didn’t have a great a reputation. In fact, many in the lifestyle know Tails is where a lot of low life dead beats hang out to prey on college kids. Sydney nodded. She understood perfectly well as it happened to her.
“Tell me about Howard. Where did you meet him? When did you meet him? What did he do for a living?” He stopped writing and looked up at her casually as if he had just asked her about the weather. I felt her hand try to open and close in my hand. Fuck.
“Sunshine, just go slow. I’m right here.” I encouraged her and earned a nod of approval from Chris. Granted I was extremely interested in this information too but I thought it was a little soon for him to launch those questions at her. Good thing I’m not a psychiatrist.
“Um, I met Howard at Tails on my twenty first birthday. He told me he worked for the county.”
Did I hear that right? I think for a moment I stopped breathing. Twenty-one? She has known Howard for almost seven years! The room seemed like it was caving in as I began to think of what seven years of that could have done to her. Fuck me. I was sure they could hear my heart pounding.
“The evening of my birthday, I worked up enough courage to go there with my friend. She ended up going home with someone and I was sitting at the bar when Howard came over. He said he could tell I was new at this and he would be willing to go slow and show me things. I was naive and interested to learn. I agreed and he took me to a room.”
“Did you guys negotiate or talk about a scene? Did he ever ask you to fill out a form that went over limits or discuss a safe word?”
“No, and I didn’t know any better. I knew about safe words though. But he ignored them a lot and told me that I never knew what was good for me.”
“Were things always rough with Howard?”
I looked at her and felt my heart slam against my chest cavity when she nodded to answer Chris. Fucking Howard! He hurt her for nearly seven fucking years!
“When did you realize something was wrong or not quite right?”
“Um, I guess kind of early on. In one of my first few scenes at Tails, he cuffed me to an apparatus, gagged me and then whipped me. He told me not to even think of using a safe word because until I learned how to behave it wouldn’t work.” She paused and looked down. “It was my own fault. I didn’t know better. I should have but I believed what he was telling me was the truth.”
“After the whipping, did he provide care for you and talk to you about the behavior he wished to be corrected?”
Nothing. Sydney was frowning and shaking her head. Colin and I already knew Howard didn’t provide her with any aftercare.
“How did the punishment end?”
“After he whipped me, he left the room.”
“He removed your restraints first, right?”
Sydney shook her head. Howard tied her to the St. Andrew’s Cross, beat on her and then fucking left her. I was ready to go through the roof. I knew if I was hooked up to that EKG machine now that I’d be admitted for cardiac concerns and an unhealthy blood pressure.
“How did you get loose?”
“I tried making noise to get someone’s attention, but no one ever came. Finally around closing time when someone who worked there came to check or clean the rooms, he saw me and let me down. My arms and hands were numb but I was finally able to take off the gag myself. I felt humiliated. I dressed quickly and went home. I was determined to do better.”
“When did things begin moving from Tails to your apartment?”
“Pretty quickly. He began coming to my place to play or punish me.”
“Tell me about his visits at your place. Do you remember his first visit to your place?”
This was hard for Sydney. Chris surprisingly had ripped open quite a bit in such a short amount of time.
“Take your time, sunshine.”
She took a deep breath and continued. She described in graphic details the beatings she received at her place and I felt like pieces of my heart were being plucked from my body as she described events. Chris kept writing though.
“He’d tie me to the coffee table and would hit my back. Whip me.”
“What did he hit you with, Sydney? A whip, flogger, dragon’s tail? Do you recall what he used?”
“His belt.”
I was breaking out in a sweat. My mind flashed to the coffee table in her tiny apartment. The legs were worn, nicked and dented. There were iron rings on the legs that Howard would attach chains or bindings to. I was sick. I saw that fucking table. I sat by that fucking thing and dipped my hand into the M&M bowl she had sitting on it.
“What else? You’re doing fine, keep going Sydney.”
“After he’d whip my back, he’d sometimes rub sandpaper over the cuts. I’d end up with those tiny crystal shimmery shards in my cuts from the sandpaper. It would hurt so much and was hard to wash out of the cut. I’d cry. I was crying so hard that I hadn’t heard his zipper. But then I felt him…not at the normal place. I told him I wasn’t ready for that and said my safe word.”
Sydney turned and looked at me with quivering lips. I pulled her against me and held her shaking body. I glanced at Chris and he gave us a few minutes and then proceeded.
“He forced you anally.” Chris deduced out loud.
She nodded as he continued to write. It really bothered me. Fucking look at her when she’s laying everything out on the table.
“What happened after sex?”
“Um, it gets kind of fuzzy. It became a game for him. When he’d arrive, he would give me pills. Most of the time I’d throw them up, but he eventually would get them down me. By the time he was done beating on me or having sex with me, I’d sometimes pass out right before he’d cuff me at my ankles and wrists and chain them to the heater. He’d leave my phone in reach, if I stretched. I was to call him when I woke up and he’d tell me where the key was. It was also in reaching distance if I stretched.”
“What would you do after he left and got out from the cuffs?”
“I’d take myself to the bathroom and was usually sick. Most of the time I was dizzy and disoriented. I’d get cold. I’d start the shower and sit in it. I faced the back of the shower wall and cry. I only allowed myself to cry in the shower.”
Last night came right back to center stage of my mind. Water washes it all down the drain. Fuck me.
“Why face the back of the shower, Sydney? Did it matter?”
She looked at Chris like the answer was the most elementary of them all. I knew the answer and felt sick to my stomach.
“If I faced the back of the shower, then I didn’t see the blood.”
The only sound in the room was that of Chris’s pen moving across the paper. Finally he spoke.
“I think we’ve scraped open enough for today. I want you to continue to write in your journal about your nightmares and anything else you feel like writing about. And I want to encourage you to share your writing with Colin and Anthony. Anytime you have a nightmare, I want you to try and write down as much as you can remember. Bring the notebook with you next time.”
Sydney nodded and Chris confirmed that he wanted to set up a Monday 10:00 appointment with her. I nodded and told him we’d see to it. He walked us out to the front and gave me his card with his home number written on the back and told me to keep an eye on her today. I wanted to say, “no fucking shit,” but held my tongue.
I signed a few papers before we quietly headed for the parking lot. I was trying hard to pull it together but was failing miserably. My sunshine. All that fucking shit for seven years. Seven years! I tightly held her hand as we walked to the car and opened the door for her. She got in and kept her head down. I crouched down and tilted her chin so she’d look at me.
“Sunshine, don’t look down.”
Her bottom lip quivered and I reached in and hugged her. This girl has been through hell. Hell on earth had been quite real for her and very easily was nearly the past seven years of her life. Now I understood how she hadn’t been out on dates or taken to dinner or been made love to. Fucking Howard consumed her life for seven years.
“Do you still feel like having lunch with Gina and Matt, sweetie?”
“Yes. It’ll be nice to see them.”
I nodded, shut her door gently and walked around to get into the driver’s side. I reached for her hand again when I sat down in the driver’s seat. I was really at a loss of what to do or say right now. I wished Colin were here. He’d know what to do and what to say.
“Sunshine, talk to me. What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know. Everything is kind of numb. I feel embarrassed for being so stupid.”
“Sydney, there is nothing for you to feel stupid over. Sweetie you were so young and inexperienced. Howard knew it and used it to his advantage. He manipulated you.”
I looked down at the scars on her wrists while I rubbed the back of her hands. Fuck, she was barely able to drink alcohol legally when that asshole swooped in. I kissed her hand and asked her if she was sure she wanted to go to lunch. She reassured me that she still wanted to see Gina and Matt and I thought it might help take her mind off of things. I started the car but kept it in park while I started a text to Colin letting him know we were done and then started one to Matt.
AG: Col, just finished with Chris.
AG: 30 minutes Vegas Subs? Sydney is hungry and she needs the company to help keep her mind off things. Chris tore open some wounds.
My phone rang through the speakers of my car and I pressed the button on the steering wheel to answer. I knew it was Colin even though it was well after 2:00 a.m. over there.
“Hey, Col,” I said weakly. I tried clearing my throat to sound normal but I was feeling anything but normal and far from okay.
“Hey. Baby, did you like Chris?”
I noticed he didn’t ask what they talked about, which was probably smart of him. I may not have been able to keep myself together.
“He was nice.”
“Good, I’m glad. Was he easy to talk to?”
“I guess so. He asked hard things.”
While they spoke I was texting Matt back and forth.
MR: We’ll meet you there in a half hour. How is she?
AG: So-so.
I started to text him that I needed to vent but deleted it and ran my hand over my face. As Colin was telling Sydney how proud he was of her, I couldn’t help but think about what he’ll say once he finds out that Howard consumed and hurt Sydney for nearly seven years. I clamped my mouth shut and bit down on the inside of my mouth to prevent myself from telling him right then on speakerphone. I turned my head and looked out the window, shut my eyes and tried to breathe slowly. I released the inside of my mouth from the grips of my teeth when I started to taste blood. I picked up my phone again and started texting Matt. I hated to admit that I needed to bend his ear, but I needed to be strong for Sydney. And in order for me to do that, I needed to vent.
AG: Need to vent.
MR: We can talk this afternoon. I’m here for you. Try to relax and I’ll meet you guys in just a bit. We’re leaving the house now.
“When is the next appointment?” Colin’s tired voice filled the car.
“Next Monday at ten,” Sydney said and then looked over at me. “Will you still come, Anthony?” She asked me.
“Of course, sunshine. I’ll always go with you to the appointments and be by your side.”
“I’ll be there next Monday too, baby.”
“Both of you will go with me?”
Colin and I both promised her we would. There’s no fucking way I’d let her go talk about that shit by herself.
“Col, get some sleep and call me later.”
“Will do. I’ll catch you two later. Baby, listen to Anthony and stay close to him today.”
With that he was gone and Sydney and I were still sitting in the parking lot. I tried keeping my mind from the appointment with Chris and began babbling about Thanksgiving again. Sydney was talking and sounded like she was doing okay and was eager to move past this morning. She was doing much better than I was and thanked me for going with her.
“You’re welcome, sunshine. I’d go anywhere with you. And I meant what I said earlier. I’ll always be by your side at those appointments.”
I thought back to when my dad took me to see a psychologist after he took me away from my mom and Bruce. He’d wait in the waiting room for me and after I was done talking to the doctor, my dad would talk with him for a while. It was scary to have to go sit back in a room and talk to a stranger about that personal shit. I didn’t want Sydney to go at it alone. No fucking way.