Walking toward my bag, I reach for my phone to see if Jace has texted me. I’ve been so worried about him since I left him at the coffee shop. He just looks so tired and worn-down. I wish I could have talked him out of working, to just go straight home to sleep, but he’s too proud. He wants to prove he can do it all, and I wish he’d slow down. We’re going to have to talk because his sleep is imperative and he hasn’t been getting any, especially when we’ve been spending every moment together. Unlike me, where I only have to worry about classes and my gigs, he has hockey, work, and classes, not to mention his family. And he’s stressing himself out.
Finally unearthing my phone from my bag, I see that Jace did text me, right at two fifteen, too.
Jace: I’m home. In my bed. I wish you were here though. Call me when you leave my sister’s.
I smile, but I won’t call him. I’m going to let him sleep and just head over when I get done. I should probably let him sleep the whole night, but I know he’ll be upset if I don’t come over tonight. Plus, I want to go. I miss him. Like, all the time, and I want to be with him. Gah, I still can’t believe he questioned that. I feel like he’s been hinting that he wants more for a while. And now that I’m down, he thinks it’s not real? That I was just saying that to cover up for what happened? That irritates me. I know it shouldn’t, but it does because I meant it. I want to be with him.
But I know he wants to know stuff.
My past.
My demons that I’ve locked up tight.
And I’m unsure how to tell him, but I know I need to.
Letting out a long breath, I leave the music department building and walk out to the parking lot to my car. I guess I could just tell him one thing at a time, but to be honest, I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to tell anyone that. I don’t want to relive it, but I know him. I know he wants to know. It’s my fault. I make comments about it and then hide behind the wall I have between us. Only coming out when I want.
And that’s not fair to him.
If I really want to do this, if I want to try to give him my heart, I have to give him all of it. I have to be honest. I just do. But it’s so freaking hard. Things may be easy between us, but admitting things I’ve done everything to hide and never talk about is frightening. I don’t even like talking to my therapist about it, which is probably why I’m dragging ass to my car. I don’t really like the new one here in Nashville, which is probably the only thing I don’t like in this state. But my mom says he’s the best and I should keep going. That I need to go.
When my phone starts to ring, I pull it out and grin.
Think of the devil and he shall appear.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hey, honey, what are you up to?”
“About to drive to Dr. Glasscoy’s office.”
“Oh, have you started to like him?”
“Eh, he’s not Dr. Perry.”
“Oh, you’ll get used to him. But actually, Dr. Perry is the reason I’m calling,” she says and my heart picks up. What does my old therapist have to do with her calling? Of course, within seconds, I’ve already decided I’m dying from a rare brain defect. Thankfully before I start crying, my mom says, “So don’t get upset, but your dad forgot to get your ticket for the opening game.”
I roll my eyes as I start my car. “But Matty said he bought ours.”
“No, he bought Laurence’s and Matty’s, but not yours because he was unsure what your plans were.”
“Whatever,” I say, annoyed. “I’m good. I won’t come.”
It’s not like I wanted to anyway.
“Avery Rose, don’t overreact. I got your plane ticket—I want to see you,” she says softly. “I miss you so.”
“I miss you,” I say and I do, but I wish I missed her more. I wish I had to talk to her daily, like Jace does. Or even my brothers or my dad, but I don’t. And apparently, they don’t need to talk to me either. What else is new, though?
“So Dr. Perry wants to see you one last time, get your meds right before you transfer to Dr. Glasscoy permanently. I think we were all hoping you’d have come home by now.”
Glaring at the car in front of me, I say, “Nope, I love it here.”
“That’s good,” she says, but I don’t think she means it. “So things are good?”
“Yeah, they are great.”
“Good, so you met someone?”
I pause. How did she know that? “Yeah. His name is Jace.”
“Yeah, Matty told me about it.”
I wait for more. The, who is he? Is he cute? Do you like him? But nothing. She says nothing. And why do I want to cry? Fighting back the tears, I say, “Yeah, I haven’t spoken to Matty or anyone in the last couple weeks.”
“Everyone is so busy, you know that,” she says and that annoys me. She’s always making excuses for them, for herself. Everyone is always so busy, can’t ever make time for me. But yet, they’ve been trying to force me to go to a game where I’ll sit in the corner while they all talk and watch the game. Then we’ll go to dinner where they’ll all talk hockey, and I’ll sit there. The outcast. Lord knows no one asks me how I’m doing or what I want. Ask me how my music is going, nope. Nothing. I’m nothing to these people.
Fucking awesome.
“Yeah,” I say, letting out a breath. “So I gotta go. I’m here.”
“Okay, talk to you later. Love you.”
“Yeah, love you,” I say before hanging up the phone, but I don’t get out of the car. Looking up at the building that holds my doctor’s office, I don’t want to go in. I don’t want to sit there and talk about nothing because that’s what I will do. I won’t talk about what happened. There is no need to. It’s over, and I haven’t had the urge to hurt myself in months. I’m good. I don’t need this place.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I look down at my phone, wanting so badly to call Jace. I didn’t tell him I had therapy today, so I don’t know why I want to call him and bitch about going. He wouldn’t understand, and then he’d want to know why. I can’t call my mom because she’ll just force me to go. I have no one to call, no one who would understand.
Blinking back the tears, I hate the lonesome feeling that starts to engulf me. I hate when this happens. It hasn’t happened in weeks, but soon, I’m bracing my hands against the steering wheel, drawing in deep breaths as my heart pounds in my chest. It’s like everything is hitting me at once. Knowing I have to tell Jace about my past and worrying about his mental state because he is pushing himself way too much. Going to see my family in a couple of weeks and the fact that no one cares to talk to me. They are supposed to be my family. Above all that, I’m sitting in a car, alone, freaking out because I feel abandoned.
I feel like I can’t control anything. That I can’t make my family love me the way they should, that I can’t make Jace understand my issues without telling him. That I can’t stop thinking about what I did, or Caleb and the pain he caused. I don’t even know why it’s been heavy on my mind, but it has been and I can’t control it. And I sure as hell can’t control what I feel for Jace. Not even kind of. I’m just falling. What happens when I share what happened, and he isn’t there to catch me? No, I have to control it. I have to go slow. I have to. I have to control it.
I don’t know if I can.
But I do know what I can control.
And that’s how far the knife goes into my skin.
Fuck me.
Covering my face, I let out a yell of frustration as tears sting my eyes. Didn’t I just say I haven’t had the urge? That I don’t even want to do it? But then my mom calls, and everything just starts to drown me.
I need to go inside.
Yeah, I need to go inside.
Throwing the car door open, I walk inside, pushing back my tears.
Because I just want to be done with this.
I want to be strong.
When I get to Lucy’s design office, I actually feel better. Dr. Glasscoy isn’t Dr. Perry, but today he was good. I think he knew when I walked in that I was on the verge of having a panic attack or that I was two seconds from finding something sharp, and he talked me through it. He suggested upping my meds and plans on calling Dr. Perry to get her opinion. I don’t know, I just wish it would go away, that I can be normal. But apparently, I wasn’t handed that hand, and I have to play with the cards I have.
I can do this. I know I can.
I just have to believe in myself.
And not get overwhelmed.
Drawing in a breath through my nose, I let it out through my mouth and then push the door open. When Lucy asked me to come by, I was excited to spend time with Angie and even Lucy. But now, I’m nervous. What if she decides she doesn’t like me and tells Jace to break up with me? He’d do it. I know he would because his family is everything to him. I’m just the girlfriend, the one who has a wall up. He may be committed to me, but he doesn’t love me like he loves them. Hell, he probably doesn’t even love me. How could he? I’m no one special.
“No. Stop,” I say to myself as I slam the door shut. “This isn’t you.”
It isn’t. Did I forget my meds today? I did since I slept at Jace’s. No wonder I’m so messed up. Looking up at the sign that reads, “Let Lucy Design You,” I wonder if I should just go back home. Maybe it isn’t a good idea to hang with everyone when I’m so fucked in the head. But before I can even try to get away, Angie is barreling out of the building and crashing into me, her little arms hugging me tightly as she grins up at me.
“You’re here!”
I put on a smile, the tears still burning my eyes as I look down at her sweet face. She looks just like Lucy, dark hair with bright green eyes and pale skin. She’s a beautiful child, and I do want to spend some time with her. I just really don’t know if I’m in a good place.
But I can’t let her down.
Swallowing hard, I say, “I am. Are you ready?”
“Yup! Come on, Mommy got us all kinds of stuff. So much glitter!”
“I do love glitter,” I say and she grins.
“Me too!” She pulls me along. Looking up, I see that Lucy is at the entryway, a smile on her face as she holds the door for us.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I say as we pass through. When the door shuts, she locks it. “You done for today?”
“I am. I didn’t want to ask you to drive all the way out to the house. Plus, my mom has Jude and Claire there right now visiting, so I figured we could hang here and do the posters.”
“Cool,” I say as Angie drags me into a conference room that is full of posters and art supplies.
“You okay?”
Looking back at Lucy, I nod. “I’m fine.” She eyes me, though, and nervousness eats me alive as I redirect my gaze to Angie. Can she tell I’m fucked up? “Ready?”
“Yeah!”
We get to work. Even Lucy helps and I start to feel so much better being with them. Angie is energetic and funny, reminding me so much of Jace that I start to miss him desperately. Unlike how she usually is when Jace is around, Lucy is great. I mean, she is with Jace too, but usually, all her attention is on him, tormenting him. It’s nice just us, but what I love most is that, like her brother, she looks me square in the eye as she talks to me.
“So where is my brother?”
I smile as I draw a very elaborate hockey scene for Angie to color. “He’s sleeping. He needs it.”
“Running himself into the ground?”
“Yeah,” I say with a nod. “He gets up at like four and goes into the coffee shop, then goes to practice at eight, and has classes till four most days. He doesn’t sleep much.”
“Yeah, he can do that sometimes. You should have seen him at Worlds. Jesus, I thought my mom was gonna have a heart attack, she was so worried about him. But he was so excited and nervous, he didn’t sleep. It showed so much in the first game that his coach at the time told my mom to drug him. It was funny.”
“Yeah, he told me today that he is declining as a player.”
She shakes her head with a laugh. “Yeah, he must need sleep if he doesn’t think he’s amazing or awesome every second of the day.”
I grin because she is very right, but her earlier comment is still bothering me. “So, you went to Worlds with him?”
She nods. “Oh, yeah. I go to everything for all of them. We are very supportive when it comes to our dreams. I was even pregnant during Worlds with little butt here.”
Angie flashes her a grin as I watch her. “So you like hockey?”
“I love it,” Lucy says with a grin. “It’s a huge part of my family.”
“Yeah, mine too. But I don’t like it,” I admit. I immediately wish I hadn’t. Why does it matter? We are obviously two different people. She wouldn’t understand.
“Why’s that?”
Swallowing hard, I look away. “It always came first; what I wanted was never given a thought.”
When she doesn’t say anything, I look up at her and her face is scrunched up in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I have three brothers, two older and a twin. They all play and so we were all over the place. No one ever had time for anything I wanted to do.”
“So you didn’t do anything? Just travel with them?”
Like I thought, she doesn’t understand. Who could? I mean, what family alienates their child and doesn’t consider what they want? Her family isn’t like that. They all stand behind each other, cheering them on. I’ve never been told that my family was proud of me. Disappointed, though, I got that on lock.
“Yup, I was the official stick-carrier and popcorn-getter, though. So I guess I did big things.”
Reaching out, she cups my shoulder. “That blows, Avery. I’m sorry.”
“Eh, it’s whatever. I’m happier now that I’m doing what I want.”
“Good, you should be. I know I am. I’m living my dreams, and I couldn’t be happier.”
I smile. “Jace told me about your ex. I admire how you came back from that.”
Her smile drops as she presses her lips together. It’s like fun, happy Lucy is gone, and I find myself scared of the Lucy who is twirling a pen in her hand. Looking up at me, she shrugs. “Yeah, thanks. He’s a sore subject. I was young and stupid when I met him. I fell and it went badly, but I learned from my mistakes. That’s what you do. You learn and you grow from your past. It’s taken me a long time to learn that. Now that I have, I’m in a better place.”
I don’t say anything as I stare into her pain-filled eyes. I know that I don’t know even half of what happened—I’m sure Jace doesn’t even know—but Lucy’s eyes show it. She may not have physical scars, like I do, from her past, but she has scars nonetheless. That dude did a number on her, and still, she lived her dreams. She’s moved on; she’s a great mom and a great sister. She doesn’t want anything but to succeed, and I want that more than anything.
“I want to be just like you when I grow up,” I admit and she laughs out loud.
“What? You’re crazy! I’m a mess.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “You’re remarkable. Really, a great mom, a successful business owner, a great sister and daughter—you’re superawesome.”
She waves me off. “Hardly, but thank you. You know I have my demons, Avery. Everyone does, but you just gotta grow from them.”
“I hear ya,” I say and I do. I need to grow.
“Now, if I can only apply that logic to relationships, I’d be great.”
I smile. “Trouble dating?”
She shrugs. “I have trust issues, obviously. And also, I don’t want to bring anyone around her,” she says, nodding her head toward Angie. “It’s not only how I feel about someone, it’s about how she feels.”
“Yeah,” I say, tucking a curl behind Angie’s ear. She grins at me and then goes back to work.
“One day, though,” she says softly. “I think. I don’t know.” She laughs. “I’m getting used to be alone, but I want to have that one person who gets me. Who holds me at night, and no matter how bitchy I’m being or how bad my day is, his kiss will make it all go away.” I exhale with a grin on my face as her lips curve in somewhat of a smile. “You know all about that. I see how you two look at each other.”
My cheeks warm as I shrug. “He’s great.”
“He is,” she agrees. “He wouldn’t hurt a fly, and he loves with all his heart. No sixteen-year-old wants to babysit a baby, but Jace did, and he did it perfectly. But he’s loyal to a fault, which is why we are all so worried about my dad and him.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “We’ve talked about that a lot. That came up today after he told me he’s declining in hockey.”
She rolls her eyes. “He’s insane.”
“That’s what I said.”
“Good, and believe me, I don’t want to sound like one of those crazy, overprotective sisters, but…” She pauses when I meet her gaze. Her eyes are dark, serious, and a little bit of fear settles in my stomach as she holds my gaze. “He is my favorite, really, and I would do anything for him. So please don’t make me kill you, because you seem like a great girl and Angie loves you. But if you hurt him, I will be that crazy, overprotective sister everyone is afraid of.”
I don’t want to smile, but I can’t help it because it’s just all so amazing and cute. Jace is so lucky. Nodding my head, my lips curving, I say, “I won’t hurt him.”
“Good, and he won’t hurt you. Believe me. He won’t.”
“I hope you’re right.”
She gives me a deadpan look. “I’m always right.”
“My uncle Jude says she isn’t, though,” Angie pipes up and that has us both laughing as Angie giggles along with us.
I’m glad I came.
But most of all, I hope she is right.
Because I can’t handle being hurt again.