When we get to Lucy’s office, I don’t miss that Avery really didn’t say anything the whole trip into downtown. I think I might have messed up by asking for more than she is able to give, but then, why should I settle? Why should I give my whole self to someone who doesn’t want to give themselves to me? It’s only fair, I feel. Putting the car in park, I look over at her as she takes her seat belt off.
“Sorry if I pissed you off.”
She shakes her head, looking up at me with those sinful eyes. “No, you didn’t. It’s just I feel like I’m letting you down, and I don’t like that.”
“No—”
“Stop. Don’t say I’m not,” she says sternly, her eyes burning into mine. “These last two weeks have been fucking amazing. Really. I’ve never felt this good in all my life. I’m writing like mad, and, Jace, I love life. That’s new, and I know you don’t understand that. But really, it’s crazy-new for me and I love it. I love waking up in the morning, and I can’t wait to see you. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I mean, aren’t you?”
I shrug as I try to process what she is saying. She’s never been happy? How? What did those people do to her? I don’t understand it. But as I look into her tormented eyes, I can’t help but feel so much for her. I may be scared of what I’m feeling because it’s new, but I’m grasping it and I’m ready to act on it. I may be young, but then, so were my brothers. The thing is, and Jayden said this to me once, you can’t control what you feel for someone or even when it happens. It just does. And like him, I’m not going to fight it.
I couldn’t if I wanted to.
I get that we come from two totally different families. Mine is in my face, and we love with everything inside us. But hers… Just based on the little information I have, I suspect she had to fight for attention. That blows my mind. I never had to fight for attention. My mom loves all of us the same and spoiled us all, especially me. I still think I’m her favorite, though. But I don’t think Avery was ever a favorite, and that hurts me. Guts me, because she is simply breathtaking. How could anyone look at her and not instantly want her to be their favorite person in the world?
I have no clue. But it’s cool, because she can be my favorite.
Clearing my throat, I say, “No. Why would I be scared?”
“Because this could end.”
“You’re right, and yeah, that scares me. But I could die tomorrow too. Why should I not enjoy this moment and be thankful for what you give me now? I can’t let that hold me back. If I worried so much about the future, I’d talk myself out of everything. I wouldn’t push to be the best on the ice. I wouldn’t push to be a better person. I would just be stuck, and I can’t do that. I have too many plans, and damn it, Avery, I want you to be in them.”
Pressing her lips together, she shakes her head and my heart drops. Does she not feel the same? Shit, am I putting myself out there to be rejected? I’ve never been rejected. I’m Jace Fucking Sinclair!
“You really are amazing, Jace,” she whispers, sneaking a peek at me.
Grinning, I nod as I reach out, taking her hand in mine. “I’ve been told that a few times—mostly by my mom.”
Her lips break into a grin as she laces her fingers with mine. “She’s right.”
“I know, she’s the best. Which, by the way, I’d like you to meet her. At my game. Friday.”
She pauses, nodding her head as she bites her lip. “I’ll be there.”
“Really?” I ask, surprised, and she wrinkles her nose.
“Um, yeah. No shit, I’m scared to meet your mom and have her hate me since you basically keep that woman on the highest pedestal ever… But yeah, I want to be there. I don’t like hockey, but I really like you.”
Grinning, I lean into her. “She won’t hate you. She loves everyone.”
“I hope so.” She smiles but then she pauses. “But why did you seem so surprised?”
I shrug, feeling a little dumb. Maybe I’m just freaking out. Probably because she doesn’t give me much to work with. “I didn’t think you wanted to go ’cause you hate it.”
“I have my own issues and demons with hockey, but that’s my shit to worry about. I want to be there for you. I want to cheer you on and I will.”
“It doesn’t have to be just your shit, though. I can help.”
Looking at me, she nods slowly. “I’d like that, but…” She trails off as she leans her head to mine and lets out a long breath. “I’m just scared, Jace.”
“Don’t be. I won’t hurt you.” I know I can make that promise. If one thing is for sure, I will never hurt this girl. I can’t.
“You just don’t get it.”
“Then explain it to me.”
“I can’t.” She shakes her head. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” I suggest and she shrugs. “I mean, I may look dumb, but I’m pretty quick.”
But before she can say anything else, my phone rings.
It’s Lucy.
“Oh my God, can you stop making out with your girlfriend and come in and get your niece? My client is gonna be here in five.”
“Cockblock,” I say and hang up, looking over at Avery. “My sister is beckoning me, and if I don’t come, she’ll cut me.”
She smiles. “Okay. But, Jace, I don’t think you’re dumb. That’s not it. I’m just scared.”
She goes to get out, but I stop her, my fingers wrapping around her arm and pulling her to me. “Trust and believe, baby. Anything you say to me, I will listen. I may not understand it or get it, but I’ll listen and we can figure it out. Just give me the chance, you know? Let me in.” She doesn’t say anything for a second, her eyes searching mine, and soon, my breath catches. She bites into her bottom lip, and I watch as her eyes darken and then start watering up. Panic fills me quickly and I take my hands off her. “Oh fuck, why are you crying?”
Laughing, she shakes her head, reaching out to take my hand. “No! I’m not. You’re just… You’re just really great, Jace.”
Letting out a breath of relief, I still watch her, just in case. She’s blinking hard, and I can tell she’s trying to fight back the tears. I have no clue what her fucked-up family and asshole ex did, but shit, a certain kind of rage is bubbling inside me. I don’t want this girl to hurt; I want her to be happy. With me, preferably. “Tears freak me out.”
She closes her eyes with a laugh before looking back at me. “I’m fine. Okay, well, kinda…but not really.”
“If you want to talk about it, I’ll risk getting shanked to listen.”
Giving me a watery smile, she shakes her head. “Maybe soon. But no, let’s go.”
I smile, leaning into her, kissing her nose. “Look at that, you’re communicating.”
She smacks my chest before kissing my lips and pulling back with a grin. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s go get your niece.”
Getting out of my car, I only make it around before I’m attacked by a little body. “Jace!”
Squeezing Angie hard, I give her a loud smacking kiss on the cheek as she hugs me tightly. “Hey, peanut butt!”
“I’m so excited I get to hang with you today. I got my hockey stuff!”
I grin. “Cool, I got mine too,” I say just as her gaze looks over to where Avery is standing awkwardly by the car. “Hey, Angie, this is my friend, Avery.”
“Ooh, both our names start with A’s!”
“They do!” Avery says animatedly before holding her hand out. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too,” Angie says sweetly as Lucy comes out with Angie’s bag in her hand.
Dropping it at my feet, she says, “I’ll be done in an hour.”
I shrug. “I might bring her back.” Leaning over, I kiss Lucy’s cheek. “Don’t wait up for us, though.”
“Okay, I’ll be here till five. But cool, thanks again.”
“No, thank you. Hey, this is Avery,” I say, cocking my head to Avery, who is rocking back and forth on her heels.
“Ah, yes, the girlfriend,” my sister says, holding out her hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“You too,” Avery says, and it gives me a certain pleasure she doesn’t correct my sister. “This is a cool place. Design? Like house interiors?”
Lucy nods as she looks up at the building she has spent the last five years trying to get. It’s only an office with all her design shit inside, but it’s hers and she’s happy, which is all that matters. It was her dream to have this place, and if you ask my mom, Lucy basically designs houses for Carrie Underwood.
Lucy only opened it a couple months ago. Before then, she was doing business out of my mom’s bonus room, but now she has her own space. She was even looking into getting a place to live close to it. But my mom helps so much with Angie, it would be hard. Either way, we are all crazy proud of her and what she has accomplished. Coming through a nasty divorce and sharing Angie with her dickwad ex, it’s easy to say it hasn’t been roses for Lucy. But she’s prevailed, and I couldn’t be prouder of my big sister, even if she is kind of a bitch. We love her anyway.
“Yup, when you get a house, keep me in mind,” she says with a wink and Avery smiles.
“Will do.”
“Well, I wish I could chat more—”
“No, she doesn’t. She hates people,” I tease and Lucy holds up one hand to block Angie from seeing she’s flipping me off.
“Don’t listen to him. He thinks everyone our family loves him when, really, we don’t. We just felt bad the wolves didn’t want him anymore and took him in.”
Avery giggles as I roll my eyes. “Says the person I look the most like.”
She shrugs, brushing her long brown hair off her shoulders. “I mean, it isn’t my fault you decided to be a boy instead of a girl. It was a big decision for him, he’s sorta quiet about it, but we love—”
“Shut up, Luce. Don’t listen to her,” I say to Avery, grabbing Angie’s bag. “She’s jealous I’m prettier than her and that my mom loves me the most.”
Avery giggles as Lucy scoffs. “Please. She has to love you, being adopted and transgender. Ah, that’s rough.”
“I hate you,” I say, but then I look at Angie when she smacks me. “I really don’t. She’s being mean.”
Angie rolls her eyes, looking every bit her momma. “You love her the most.”
“No, I love you the most,” I say, kissing her cheek. “Bye, Lucy.”
“Bye, Mommy!”
“Bye, y’all,” she calls before going back in the building as I put Angie down. Grabbing her booster seat out of Lucy’s car, I strap it in before buckling her in. Meanwhile, Avery and Angie are in a long conversation about Angie’s sparkly pink shoes.
“They are dope,” I say, shutting the door and getting in.
“Fo’ sho’,” Angie says and I grin over at Avery.
“We’re gangsta.”
“True dat,” Angie adds and I bubble with laughter.
“Oh my, Lucy must love that.”
I smile wryly. “No, actually, she tried to cut me with a knife, like, for real, when Angie said, ‘First things first, I’m the realest.’”
Biting her lip, Avery tries not to crack up as I nod. “Exactly.”
“Uncle Jace, what is transgender and can I catch that?”
Avery sputters with laughter as I glare. Meeting Angie’s gaze in the mirror I say, “Ask your mom. And also, I’m not transgender and you can’t catch it. It’s not a disease.”
Still laughing, Avery bends over and I just shake my head. “What’s so funny?”
“Who knows?” I say to Angie. “She’s crazy. You ready?”
“Ready!”
I look at Avery and she glances up at me, still giggling as I ask, “Ready?”
Sending me a sneaky grin, she laughs. “Let’s do this.”
And we are off. It’s a beautiful day. So instead of heading to the rink, like we would usually do, we go to the park where I know we can not only play a little stick and puck but also play on the big playground Angie loves. When I first got my license and I was the main one watching Angie, we went to the park a lot to spend our afternoons. Angie is my little homie.
But the whole way to the park, I’m invisible, and all that matters to Angie is Avery. Angie is full of life, talking a million miles a second. I’m sure some people would be annoyed by it, but Avery is eating it up. She’s just as enthusiastic as Angie, and it fills me with all kinds of funny feelings.
When we arrive, we are the only ones there, thankfully, and Angie is bouncing as she waits for me to lace up her skates. “Are you not playing, Avery?”
“I don’t have skates. I guess I’ll be the goalie.”
“Cool,” Angie says with a grin. Why does that make me so happy? Avery’s all about it, ready to play, when any other time, she acts as if she hates it. A part of me doesn’t think she hates the sport; I think she hates that it stole her family away. But that isn’t hockey’s fault. Hockey loves you and lures you into its awesomeness. It was her family’s job to include her.
“Think I can score on her, Jacey?” Angie asks, stealing my attention.
Looking back at Avery, I wink. “I think so.”
Avery kicks me in the back of the knee, and I laugh as I tie Angie’s other skate. Then she is off, taking the puck to the goal I set up. She skates with ease, probably because we’ve had her on skates since she could first wobble. I remember Rick would get pissed about her skating and playing with us at such a young age, but I don’t think any of us cared. Because he is a douche, and Angie is ours.
“She’s good.”
“Yeah, we started her early,” I say, lacing up my own skates. “I have some extra skates you can use.”
She laughs. “Please. No way my feet would fit.”
“True. Try to keep up.”
Giving me a dubious look, she rolls her eyes. “Everything is a competition with you.”
“Not my fault I love to win.” I wink, stealing the puck from Angie, and then they are both chasing me. Soon, it doesn’t matter that Avery doesn’t have skates because we are having too much fun. I love how she is with Angie. She’s funny and goofy; I love this side of her. I’m not saying she isn’t like this with me—she is, just more sarcastic. Nonetheless, she’s always fun. But with Angie, it’s as if she’s gone back a few years in age and she and Angie are BFFs. It’s cute.
When Angie attempts to score on her, it goes past Avery with ease, and soon she’s playfully glaring at Angie. Angie has been scoring on Avery all afternoon, but unlike the other times she scored, this time, Avery runs out after her, tackle-hugging her and picking her up off her feet. Their giggles surround me like a big, warm blanket as I watch Avery hug Angie close to her chest, kissing her cheek.
“You sneaky little thang!”
I laugh out loud as Angie giggles even harder before breaking away and skating off. Shooting me a look, Avery asks, “What?”
“That was country as all get-out,” I tease and she glares. She hates when I tease her for becoming more Southern.
“Shut it.”
“Oh, no offense, ma’am. Just stating the truth, which I think is kinda hot,” I drawl, skating around her. “Soon, you’ll be drinking sweet tea and rocking on the front porch with me.”
“You’re insane.” She tries to smack me, but I’m too quick.
“It’s okay, baby. Just be a country singer—it’s way hotter.”
Rolling her eyes, she lunges for me and I catch her, but she knocks me off-balance. I end up on my back with her on top of me. I cry out from the rock digging into my back, and she laughs as she hugs my neck.
“Ew! Mommy said don’t kiss in front of me,” Angie yells, but we both ignore her.
“Why would she say that?” I ask incredulously, pointing at her. “Look away, Angie. Save your eyes!”
And then I’m kissing Avery. Her mouth is like the sweetest honey, and I can’t get enough. When I hear Angie gagging, I smile against Avery’s lips and she pulls away.
“This is fun.”
“It is.”
“Thanks for inviting me,” she says, getting up and holding her hand out for me. Taking it, I get up on my own before I wrap my arm around her waist as she grins up at me.
“Anytime. I hope you’ll come more.”
“For sure. I’m down.” She flashes me a bigger grin as she runs off to block a shot Angie just took. As I watch them go back and forth, something inside me just breaks. Well…it doesn’t really break, it just gets bigger.
It’s my heart.
Yeah, I think I’m almost there.
But I still feel like Avery could be my first heartbreak.
And that bothers me.