I’m not going to cry.
I’m not.
We’ve got this.
I’m also not going to puke, even though that’s all I’ve been doing for the last few weeks.
Jace says it’s fine.
We are fine.
But it just feels like one thing after another.
“I thought you said a room would come available for us today. Didn’t you say today?” Jace asks, leaning on the counter of the housing department.
“Yes, I thought so, hon. I’m sorry,” Mrs. Annie says, and she looks as defeated as we feel. We’ve been in here a lot lately and she knows our whole story—that we are desperate to get housing on campus. Being married, we want to sleep together. But I can’t stay at the Bullies’ house long-term, and he can’t stay in my dorm. “I thought the couple that was staying in the room I wanted to give you was gonna go off campus, but they decided it was cheaper to live here, so we are completely full.”
It is. A lot cheaper.
“We only have ten family dorm facilities. It’s a small campus, honey. I’m so sorry.”
Jace lets out a long breath, the dark circles under his eyes hurting my heart. He’s been working double at the coffee shop while busting his ass on the ice. If I thought he worked hard before, he is working double time now. He is determined to not only get into the draft but go number one with the highest entry contract. He doesn’t want to fail me, as he keeps saying. No matter how much I said he couldn’t fail me if he tried, he’s running himself into the ground. And he won’t let me stop him.
“Okay, can we stay on the waiting list, though? Maybe after Christmas, someone will move?” I say, wrapping my arms around his arm.
He looks at me and I know he doesn’t like it. “Yeah, is that okay, Mrs. Annie?”
“Of course, guys. I’ll keep you in the loop if anything changes.”
We both nod and then wish her a good day as we head outside in the freezing cold. I’m bundled up tight in my jacket, and he pulls his beanie down over his ears before wrapping his arms around me.
“That sucks.”
“Yeah,” I say as we walk toward his car. “It’s okay, though. We could go get an apartment off campus. That one we looked at the other day would be okay.”
He shrugs. “But it’s like two grand to move in right now. I’ve got the money, but with your co-pays, monthly bills, and no telling what else could come up, I really wanted to stay on campus. Especially since my scholarships pay it all, you know?”
“Yeah,” I agree, and he’s right, but that isn’t feasible right now. So we need another plan. “I can always call and ask my dad—”
“Hell no, I’m not asking your dad—who doesn’t support us—for help. He already cut off your credit cards, Av. You ask, he’ll get even more pissed and stop paying for school. Thankfully, your car is already paid off.”
As he shakes his head, I can’t bring myself to tell him that my dad isn’t paying for my schooling anymore after this year. I haven’t told Jace because I figure it doesn’t matter. We’ll be moving to wherever he gets drafted to, and then I’ll start school there.
“Jace,” I say, stopping him when he tries to walk off. “Let me help.”
“No, you focus on your internship and school, okay? I will figure it out.”
He goes to walk off again, but I stop him once more. “We are a team, Jace. You aren’t the star of the relationship, no matter how amazing you are,” I yell, my frustration about the whole thing getting to be too much to handle. He meets my gaze, worry swirling deep inside his eyes. I hate that. I don’t want him to worry, but I know that it’s unavoidable. Everything is just so up in the air. “This is a partnership. Let me help.”
“I know, Avery. But I want you to focus on the big stuff like school and your internship. Let me worry about this. I mean, we are doing okay living apart. You still sleep at the house, even if you aren’t supposed to. But it’s fine, no one will tell on me.”
“But it’s not fair to anyone else. Especially Markus, despite the fact I think he is a douche. But the rules are there for a reason, and you are setting a bad example.”
“He made a mistake; he isn’t a douche. Greatest guy I know, but I don’t care. I want you to be happy—and with me. So the guys are fine,” he says, shaking his head. “It’s fine.”
“It isn’t,” I say sternly. “You are tired, you’re stressed, and it isn’t okay.”
“Rather me than you,” he says, shaking his head, and my eyes widen.
“Is that what this is about? You don’t think I can handle it?”
“No, Avery, please, can we just drop this and go? We have an hour before we gotta get to your appointment.”
“No, we can’t just drop it. I can handle this. Let me help.”
“How? Tell me how?”
“I can call my dad.”
“And what? You want me to stand by and let my wife’s dad support us? No fucking way.”
Throwing my hands up, I yell, “You and your damn pride.”
“No, you are my responsibility, my wife,” he says, lacing his fingers with mine. “And I will provide for you, okay?”
“You can’t do it alone, Jace. Maybe we should ask your mom? Your brothers? Lucy?”
“Hell no, Avery. We can do this. I don’t need help,” he stresses, his eyes telling me something entirely different. He’s just as scared as I am. It really hasn’t been that bad, sort of living with him and living in my dorm, but I don’t want him to get into trouble. I doubt that his coach would really come down hard on him since he is doing his mom, but still, I know how proud Jace is. He wants to be the best, he wants to be a good example for his team, and I’m threatening that by being there.
When a tear runs down my face, I wipe it away quickly, hoping he doesn’t see it. But he does. “Fuck, Avery, don’t cry. It’s fine,” he says, wrapping me up in his arms.
“I just worry about you.”
“Don’t,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “It will work out. Maybe I can go plant some drugs in someone’s dorm room and get them kicked out?” he jokes and I smile.
“No, they all have babies.”
“And we will too.”
“Yeah, but they have them now. Ours is still cooking.”
He smiles. “True, which is why we gotta get to the doctor.”
I eye him. “I’m not done talking about this.”
He waves me off. “It will work out.”
And I don’t doubt that. If anyone can do it, we can. But at what cost?
Lying back on the cold table, I lift up my T-shirt as Dr. Vernon moves his hands along my abdomen.
“How is everything? You still vomiting a lot?”
I smile. “Yeah.”
“It’s normal, but you let me know if it gets out of hand.”
“Okay.” I smile at Jace as he watches, his eyes intent on the doctor.
“Her boobs hurt a lot,” he says then, and I giggle as the doctor smiles.
“It’s normal.”
“That will go away, right? She said it will go away.”
Rolling his eyes, Dr. Vernon laughs. “Yes, son, it will.”
“Cool,” he says, rocking back on his heels. “And everything is good? Like, she’s normal?” He’s shaking with nerves and I reach out to take his hand. “Like, her meds won’t hurt the baby, right?”
“No, she’s right where she needs to be. You are showing already.”
I smile. “I look bloated, fat,” I say with a laugh, and Jace glares at me.
“I told you, you aren’t fat.”
“Woo-hoo, got you a good man right there. Smart man,” Dr. Vernon says with a wink and I grin.
“The best,” I say to Jace, but he’s too busy watching everything the doctor does.
When his eyes widen, I cut my gaze to the doctor as he comes to me with a little machine. “What is that?” Jace asks, horror in his voice.
Dr. Vernon laughs. “I haven’t had a skittish daddy in a while. It’s nice,” he jokes, but Jace isn’t laughing. “It’s a fetal Doppler. We’re going to see if we can hear the baby’s heartbeat.”
“Aw, cool!” I say, coming up on my elbows to watch. Jace comes closer, his eyes wide as Dr. Vernon turns it on and then places it to my belly, pressing into my skin. But I hear nothing. He moves it around, but I still don’t hear anything other than the static of the thing moving. Oh, no. What if something is wrong?
“I don’t hear anything,” Jace says, the alarm in his voice matching mine. “Does that mean it doesn’t have a heartbeat?”
But Dr. Vernon waves him off. “No, it’s early. We may not be able to hear it,” he says, moving it around more, but that doesn’t help the anxiety suffocating me. Lucy said I should be able to hear it at this appointment. I glance at Jace and he looks white as a ghost and hasn’t moved, only his eyes following the little probe on my belly. Turning back to the doctor, I watch him, and when he smiles, I hold my breath. “Hello there, little bit,” he mutters before turning the knob of the thing up, and the most beautiful sound in the world fills the room.
Our baby’s heartbeat.
I close my eyes, my face breaking into a grin as Jace kisses me hard on the cheek. When I open my eyes, he has his phone up, and I smile, thinking he’s taking a picture. “I’m recording. That’s our baby.”
I laugh as he turns off his phone, kissing me once more. Leaning his nose to my temple, he whispers, “I’m so happy.”
Tears burn my eyes as I nod. “Me too.”
“Me too,” Dr. Vernon says. “It sounds good, strong. You are doing great, so we are done. Let me know if there are any questions, and I will see you in four weeks.”
He takes the Doppler off my stomach, and the room goes silent except for the crackling of the paper I sit on. But one thing is for sure, you couldn’t wipe the grins off our faces. Or erase the fact that I’ll never forget the sound of my baby’s heartbeat.
“It could be a badass beat, for a rap or something,” I say as we walk out of the office and toward our car.
Jace laughs. “Yeah, I want to hear that.” Smiling back, I lean into him, wanting not only his warmth but his love. “That was so awesome.”
“It was.”
“I want to post it, but I know you don’t want people knowing about the little bun in your oven.”
I nod. “Even though everyone already suspects it. Because why would hotshot, star hockey player Jace Sinclair marry someone like Avery Rose without knocking her up?”
He makes a face. “Who the hell thinks that?”
“Everyone, Jace,” I say with a shrug. “I don’t care, though. They’re just jealous.”
“True that,” he says with a nod. “So I still can’t post it?”
“No,” I laugh, leaning into him.
“Why?”
“’Cause I’m only nine weeks. Wait till after twelve.”
“That’s boring.”
“It’s smart,” I say simply. “I could still miscarry according to the baby book.”
He shakes his head. “Um, no. My baby is coming into the world to dominate. He’s sticking around.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re crazy.”
“Crazy for you,” he says, nuzzling his nose in my ear, causing me to giggle as I try to get away. Reaching out, he pulls me back into his side as we reach the car. While I’m excited and elated about hearing the baby’s heartbeat, our conversation from earlier is still bothering me, and I know I have to settle this with him.
When he goes to start the car, I stop him. “Jace.”
He looks over at me, smiling. “Yeah?”
I smile. “I love you—”
“I love you too,” he says, leaning over and kissing me softly on the lips, but before he can get away, I stop him.
“But you have to let me help here. I have money saved up. Let’s use that and get an apartment, or we can go move in with your mom.”
His face twists in disgust. “No way in hell are we moving in with my mom. And no, we are good. It’s fine. If anything, we’ll just sleep apart until something opens up.”
I nod, but I don’t want that and neither does he. “That sucks.”
“Yeah, but I’m not gonna financially fuck us, and I’m not asking for help. We got this.”
He’s right, especially when we don’t know what could come up. He’s being smart and I understand that, but I want to sleep together. I want to be a married couple.
“So don’t worry, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
He kisses me again and then goes to start the car as my phone goes off in my pocket. Pulling it out, I see that it’s my dad and soon I’m unable to breathe. I haven’t heard from or talked to him since I left New Jersey.
“Who is it?” Jace asks as he pulls out of the parking lot.
“My dad.”
His eyes widen and I shrug. “I wonder what he wants.”
“Don’t know. Answer it.”
Biting my bottom lip, I mutter, “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Dad.”
“I know, Dad. I have caller ID.”
“Oh yeah,” he says slowly, letting out a long breath. “How are you?”
“Good.”
“Still married and pregnant?”
“Yup,” I say simply. “Nothing’s changed.”
He sucks in a deep breath. “Okay, well, I wanted to let you know that we will be in Nashville two weeks before Christmas. We want to meet your…” he pauses and clears his throat “…husband, and we would like to see you.”
“Why?”
“Because you are our daughter.”
I make a face because I know damn well that isn’t the reason. “Okay, but why are y’all coming into town?”
“Matty is playing the Bullies, and this was one of the games we bought flights for. We figured we could watch him and see you at the same time.”
I know that shouldn’t make me mad. I know I should be happy he wants to see me, but it pisses me the fuck off because I know I’m not the original reason they are coming to see me. I haven’t heard from anyone, not even my mom. But now they are coming into town to watch Matty and figure they might as well see the daughter they made too. Whatever. If they were really concerned about me, or even meeting Jace, they would have come weeks ago.
“I think I’ll pass.”
“Why? Won’t you be at the game?”
“Yeah, to see my husband play, and that’s it.”
“Avery, we want to see you.”
“No, you are coming ’cause of Matty, and like always, I’m an afterthought.”
“That’s not true, Avery. We wanted to see both of you at the same time.”
But I don’t believe him. Fighting back the tears, I shake my head. “Dad, if that were true, why haven’t you come sooner?”
“I’m busy. I work all the time.”
Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “Yeah, whatever.”
“I’m not sure what that means.”
“It means if I see you, I see you. If I don’t, then I don’t.”
“You’ll see us. We want to go to dinner with you two. I’d like to get to know the boy who has married my daughter and made a child.”
I pause. “Dad, do you know his name?”
My dad pauses. “Sinclair.”
“First name.” I hear him typing and I shake my head in disbelief. “You’re googling him?”
Jace snorts from beside me as my dad says quickly, “No, Jace, his name is Jace.”
“Whatever.”
He pauses and then says softly, “Please, Avery, I want to see you.”
The sincerity in his voice leaves me breathless as I close my eyes. “Fine, I’ll talk to him and see if he wants to go.”
He chuckles. “He will. He isn’t stupid; he knows who I am.”
“Wow, okay.” I shake my head. “Very arrogant, Dad.”
“Maybe, but I want to see you.”
“Why?”
“Like I’ve said before, you’re my daughter.”
“Who you’ve cut off,” I remind him and he lets out a breath. I can’t say I was surprised when I went to use my credit card and it didn’t work. But I wonder if he would cut off Matty or Laurence if they got into a position like I did. I doubt he would have, and I really wonder what he would do if he found out Matty was gay. Not that I plan on telling him or anything, but I just wonder.
Would they get treated the same?
“You have a husband. You don’t need me.”
“You’re right. So I don’t need to see you.”
“Well, I’m asking to see you,” he says, his voice dropping an octave. “Please, Avery. Your mother is worried sick about you.”
“I bet. That phone is ringing off the hook.”
“Avery Rose, please. We want to see you. I feel you think things you shouldn’t, and I want to make them better.”
Make them better?
How do you fix eighteen years of shit?
When Jace squeezes my hand, I look over at him and he nods his head. “Just say yes,” he mouths and I shake my head, but he nods his once more.
Glaring, I say, “Okay, Dad. We will go to dinner with you.”
“Good, I’ll call you when we get in that Friday.”
“Okay.”
He pauses and he says very softly, “I love you, honey. I do, and I don’t know how that got forgotten, but I’m sorry for that.”
My heart stops as my eyes fall shut, shocked at the unexpected apology. “Dad, I never thought you didn’t love me, it’s just that you don’t care.”
“And that’s my fault. I’ll see you soon. I wish it were sooner, but the damn All-Star game is keeping me busy.”
“Yeah. Like always,” I say and I can hear the remorse in his voice.
“I’m sorry, love. I’ll be in touch.”
I don’t answer him, I just hang up and let my head drop. Squeezing my hand, Jace kisses the back of it. “That didn’t sound so bad?”
I shrug. “I just don’t know what he’s doing. Why does he care now?”
Pulling into a spot, he looks over at me. “Maybe he always has and didn’t realize he wasn’t showing it?”
“Maybe.” I think that over and I guess it could be true. He works constantly and I know his job is important, but I should be important too. Closing my eyes, I try to regulate my breathing because my heart has been pounding since I saw his number on my phone. I just don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ve wanted my dad and my mom to care about and love me for so long. I craved it. I don’t want my heart to be smashed again. When my chest starts to tighten, I suck in a deep breath and let it out, because I’ve got this. I can do this. I know the score. I just won’t go in there expecting things they aren’t capable of. No matter the sincerity in his voice, I have eighteen years of proof that I was second best to everyone.
I have to remember that.
“Let’s just take it one day at a time,” Jace says, and I look over at him. “One thing at a time. You know? Everything will work out. I know that for sure.”
Leaning over, I press my lips to his as his hands come up, tangling in my hair. Pulling back, I press my nose to his and agree. “Okay.”
“I’ll do the same. I probably need to start going to yoga or something. Do they have prenatal yoga?”
My brows pull together. “What? Why?”
“If I’m seeing that douche-fucker of a brother of yours in a little under a month’s time—which, by the way, how did I not know we were playing him?”
“You’ve been distracted,” I supply with a grin and he nods.
“I have, but anyway, if I’m seeing him, then damn it, I need to find my happy place and not kill my new brother-in-law.”
I smile. “Good plan. The commissioner might frown on that, Sinclair.”
“I thought so too, Sinclair,” he says with a grin, kissing my lips. “Now go write some songs and be awesome.”
“Aren’t I always?”
“Of course,” he says as I get out. Before shutting the door, I bend down, meeting his gaze. “I’ll text when I’m ready.”
“Cool, see you in a bit.”
Shutting the door, I tuck my hands into my pockets and rush to the door to head up the stairs to Jelly Records. As I start to climb, my phone sounds and I pull it out to see it’s from Jace.
Confused, I open the text and smile.
Jace: I love you.
As I type back the same, I can’t help but laugh.
It’s so funny how things change in the blink of an eye.
Three months ago, I wanted to be a star.
I didn’t want any man, and I sure as hell didn’t want to trust anyone.
Now, I just want to love this guy and my baby.
Crazy.