I wake to the sound of someone climbing into my bed.
Alarmed, I sit up quickly just as Avery pauses, a grin on her face as she looks at me. “Hey, just me, killer.”
Letting out the breath I was holding, I reach for her and she falls on me, an airy giggle leaving her sweet lips. I nuzzle into her chest, and she wraps her arms around my head as I close my eyes. “Hey.”
“Have a good nap?”
“Yeah,” I admit and it really was. I feel recharged, like I could take on anything. But then, I could probably sleep until tomorrow with no problem at all. I got lucky because Markus had to go out to dinner with his dad, so there were no distractions at all as I slept. It was glorious, but being in her arms is ten times better. Holding me tightly, she kisses the top of my head and I melt against her. I don’t know how I missed her during my exhausted state but I did, and I’m so glad she’s here. Moving my head out from the middle of her chest, I ask, “How was your day?”
“Busy,” she whispers, her fingers moving through my hair. “But I had a blast with Angie and Lucy.”
I snort. “You mean Angie, right?”
Her body shakes with laughter. “No, I said it right. Both of them. Lucy is fun.”
“Hardly. She’s hateful,” I accuse with a grin, and she continues to giggle.
“No, she is awesome. Really, she even threatened me if I hurt you.”
That has me raising my head. “Really?”
“Yes.” Her eyes are dancing with laughter, but I still have a hard time believing that.
“My sister? That’s crazy ’cause she didn’t threaten Claire or Baylor.”
“Well, she did say you were her favorite.”
“Damn right,” I say confidently before kissing her chin. “Maybe I do like her.”
“Oh, hush.” She smacks my arm. “But really, I had a blast. Made my shit day better.”
“It was shit?”
She shrugs. “Just been off.”
“Really? You seemed fine when I saw you.”
“Yeah, but then my mom called, and talking to her just exhausted me. Apparently, my dad forgot to buy my ticket for the game during my trip to New Jersey in two weeks.”
“I thought your whole family was gonna be there?”
“Exactly, but the excuse was he forgot mine ’cause he didn’t know what was going on, but it’s whatever. And then she brought you up but didn’t even want to know anything about you. It’s just annoying.”
Tightening my hold on her, I kiss the side of her mouth. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s whatever,” she says again, but I can tell it hurt her feelings. I don’t blame her. I would be upset too, and shame on them for making her feel like that.
“Maybe you shouldn’t go to New Jersey.”
She looks up, moving her fingers along the hair that’s hanging in my eyes. “Yeah, I considered that, but I have a doctor’s appointment I have to go to.”
“For?”
She pauses, her fingers twirling my hair, and I wait. Briefly meeting my gaze, she looks away quickly, and I know she is holding back again. I want to shake her, tell her I’m here to listen, but she is silent as she plays with my hair. “Avery?” I ask and she shrugs.
“Just doctor stuff, nothing to worry about.”
That makes my eye twitch, and I take ahold of her hand, capturing her gaze. “What for? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she insists. “It’s just my therapist. She wants to see me one last time before I transfer down here.”
Therapist? Okay.
“Okay,” I say slowly, waiting for her to go on. But it appears she isn’t going to. “Why do you go to a therapist?”
Swallowing hard, she looks up at me and shrugs. “For therapy.”
I try not to glare, but come on. Really? “No shit, Sherlock. For what?”
“Um, well, just stuff. I have issues.”
“Like?” Jesus, this is like pulling teeth!
“Why does it matter?” she asks before sitting up. “They don’t affect you. I’m fine.”
“But they affect you,” I say, sitting up, my eyes searching hers. “Why won’t you just tell me?”
“Because it’s nothing, really. It’s silly. I’m fine as long as I take my meds. I promise.”
What the hell?
“You’re on meds?”
Not looking at me, she shrugs. “Yeah.”
“Okay, and what happens if you don’t take them?”
“Then I’m not okay,” she says, frustration lacing her tone. “But, let’s forget this, okay? You need to rest. You have a game tomorrow.”
“I don’t care,” I say sternly. “I want to know what is going on. What do you mean, you’re not fine if you don’t take your meds? What happens?”
“Nothing, Jace. Please, let’s rest.”
“What, do you cut yourself?” I blurt out. And really, I did that? I mean, come on. Why the ever-loving fuck did I do it like that?
She still holds my gaze, but her mouth parts and I don’t miss the way her hands cover the inside of her thighs as her breathing picks up. Her eyes look as if they can’t believe I said that, and I can’t believe I did either. I’m sure I could have gone a different route, but we are here, and it’s time to discuss this. I never pussyfoot around anything, and I won’t do it any longer. If she wants to be with me, then she is going to be with me. All of her.
But the silence stretches between us as we keep staring at each other, neither us moving. I’m not even sure I’m breathing as I wait for her to say something. Swallowing hard, I continue to wait. Surely, she is going to say something, but yet she doesn’t. She’s just staring at me, her eyes wide. And I don’t understand.
Finally, she gasps, “What?”
“I saw the marks on your thighs,” I admit and she looks away, drawing in a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about them all day, about you. And I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I think you did them to yourself. If I’m wrong, please correct me. But tell me something, Avery. Please. I’m worried.”
She brings her lips between her teeth, and I watch as she draws in a breath through her nose and lets it back out. Red splotches start to appear on her neck, her breasts, and even her cheeks as time passes. I swear, it’s so quiet, I can hear the traffic outside, but I wait. I give her time, and hopefully, she sees that I’m here for her. That I want to support her.
She swallows hard, a tear rolling down her cheek and off her jaw before she looks up, her watery gaze meeting mine. “Yeah. I did.”
Did. Okay.
Reaching out, I go to take her hands, but she doesn’t move them. Doesn’t lace her fingers with mine like she usually does. She’s frozen, the only thing moving the tears rolling down her face.
“I didn’t want to make you cry,” I whisper, still trying to hold her hands, but she isn’t letting me.
“And I never wanted you to see them,” she says as she sniffles. Since she won’t let me hold her hands, I reach out, wiping away each tear that feels like a knife in my heart. “But I guess you would sooner rather than later.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She gives me a deadpan look. “How do you tell someone you used to cut yourself to feel alive? How does that make sense, you know?”
My heart is pounding, the hair on my arms standing at attention as my heart breaks for this girl.
“I go to therapy for it, for my depression and my anxiety. Yeah, I’m pretty fucked up.”
Whoa. Okay. This is okay. “No, you’re not.”
“No, I am, and you want out. I see it in your eyes. I’ll go.” When she tries to move, I take ahold of her, stopping her. There is no way in hell she is leaving this room thinking that nonsense.
“Um, no, you’re seeing the wrong thing. I’m concerned, Avery—I don’t want out. Stop. Breathe,” I say because she’s starting to shake. “Just breathe.”
She tries to move out of my arms, but I bear-hug her, holding her in place as she fights. But she doesn’t last long before she starts to sob in my arms. I don’t know what to do, what to say, so I just hold her as she cries. Soon, she relaxes against me, her face in my neck as she sucks in breaths and lets them out.
“I just don’t want to seem weak in front of you, and that’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“You’re not weak, Avery.”
“Yes, I am.” She pulls back to look at me. Her face is completely red, snot is escaping her nose, and her bottom lip is trembling. She looks downright pitiful and it’s killing me.
“No, I don’t see that.”
“Because you don’t know this part of me.”
“And even when I know this part, I still won’t see you as weak. I’ll see you as someone who is fighting to stay afloat. And the thing is, you don’t have to fight alone, Avery. I’m here for you.”
Her lips tremble more as she looks away, wiping her face, and my heart really can’t take it. I don’t want her to cry, I don’t want her to feel weak, not when I see this amazing, strong woman.
“A weak person wouldn’t leave what they know for something new to pursue their dreams. A weak person wouldn’t try to be with someone after being hurt by another. You’re not weak, Avery.”
“Fine, I’m pathetic since I did it because of him. I did it because it was the only thing I could control since I couldn’t control how he treated me or what he said to me.” She pauses, sucking in a deep breath. “He was just awful to me, Jace. And I know you don’t understand any of this, but that’s ’cause you didn’t go through life with no one caring about you. Finally, I thought I’d found someone who cared about me, but then it went bad. I’d wanted so badly for it to work that when it didn’t, I had to feel something, so I cut myself.”
She chances a glance at me, and hell, I don’t know what my face is saying, but it must be bad because she looks away, a sob tearing from her. Swallowing hard around my emotions that want to escape, I reach out, taking her hands in mine, kissing the back of them. She looks up at me, her eyes softening as I meet her gaze again.
“Okay. But, Avery, you learned from it, right? You haven’t done it since? It ended because he’s gone?” I ask, hopeful, but when her eyes avert down, my heart sinks.
“Yeah, yeah. And I promise, I haven’t done it in months, almost ten, but I thought about it today when I got overwhelmed. But I didn’t have my meds today ’cause I slept over.”
“Okay,” I say softly. “But you didn’t cut.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Then you’re winning, baby. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re fighting this.” She still won’t look at me or even agree that I’m right. Who knows if I am, but I’m trying. I don’t know what to say, and hell, I don’t understand it. But those scars are a part of her, and I love everything about her. Even the dents and bruises—or cuts in this case.
“Avery, look at me.”
When she looks up, her tears rolling down in rivers, I frame her face. “This doesn’t change anything or how I feel about you.”
“It should. You should run,” she cries as our fingers lace together. “I don’t want you to, though, if that counts for anything.”
Could my heart break any more for this girl? I’m sure it can, but man, she’s killing me while also provoking such rage against her family and the douche who hurt her. How dare they? How could they not see her begging for attention, for love? It’s just not fair, but I swear to God, she’ll never have to beg for attention or love from me. Never.
“It counts, Avery, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Me and you.”
When she wraps her arms around my neck, she basically climbs into my lap. I hold her tightly as she cries against my shoulder. Running my fingers down her back, I feel so much better. I had been so worried. Yeah, this didn’t go as planned, but it went and it’s settled.
Now all we can do is move forward, hopefully with no other hiccups.
But then I remember my dad will be at the game tomorrow, and that is one hell of a hiccup. But it doesn’t affect us.
No, we are good.
We will always be good.
When I lay us down, she presses her nose to mine and her eyes burn into mine as her fingers dance along my jaw. My lip curves at the side as I search her gaze before I ask, “Don’t you feel better?”
She smiles a bit. “I’m embarrassed, but I’m glad you know. Now I won’t have to hide.”
“No, you never have to hide.”
Cupping my face, she moves her nose along mine. “How did I get so lucky to meet you?”
I shrug because I find myself asking the same thing. With my throat thick with emotion, I smile. “A lot of people ask themselves that.”
But she doesn’t laugh or even smile. “Well, no other girl will ever ask that, ’cause you’re mine.”
“And you’re mine, even the broken pieces.”
Closing her eyes, she whispers, “You can ignore them.”
But I shake my head, which causes her to open her eyes, confusion deep in her gaze. “No, I’ll never ignore any part of you, especially the broken parts. Those are the parts that need the most attention, the parts I’m gonna help put back together.”
She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes, still flooding with tears. “I would give you a billion dots right now if we were texting.”
Grinning, I dig my fingers into her back. “I’ll take a kiss instead.”
“Done,” she says before crashing her mouth to mine.
As we kiss, I feel whole.
So much more than before.
And as much as I want to tell her I love her, this isn’t the time. I want her to see that I’m here for her, that I’m in it to win it, before I drop the love bomb on her.
But when I do, when I say it, she’ll never ever feel anything but my love.
For the rest of her life.