I can’t sleep.
Avery fell asleep hours ago, and all I can do is stare at the ceiling.
Trying to figure this out.
I spent most of the night holding her as she cried and then we tried to watch TV, but it was obvious neither of us could pay attention. Both of us were so lost in our thoughts. It just seems so crazy to me. All of it. I mean, yeah, we are pregnant. I’ve got that. But she seems so adamant about the abortion. Like it’s the only option, but is it? I agree giving the baby away is something I couldn’t do either. I know at first glance I would love it just as much as I love its mother. So that’s off the table. But I don’t believe in abortion.
I just don’t.
Lucy was eighteen when she got pregnant with Angie. She didn’t even consider getting rid of my niece. Instead, she got married. Yeah, it ended badly, but not because of her. Because of the douche. Of course it’s sucked and she’s struggled, but she’s happy. She loves her baby and I…I…can’t do this.
But it isn’t my body.
I’m not the one who would carry the child for nine months, who would be Mommy. I’m just Daddy. Am I being naïve here? Can we do this? I have no money—a little saved up from my dad and the ten hours a week I work at the coffee shop. But soon I’ll sign a damn good contract, and then I can take care of her and our child. She could still live her dreams; we’d figure it out, but can I get her to see that?
And then can I even guarantee it will work?
Fuck.
This is too much.
When she stirs against me, rolling onto her back, I look over at her. I can’t help it, I smile. She’s knocked the hell out, probably from crying most of the night. Her lips are parted, drool sliding down the side of her mouth. She’s so beautiful, and as I stare at her, I know she would make a great mom. Yeah, she comes from crap, but she would never treat her children like that. I’ve seen her firsthand with Angie. I know, but does she? Doesn’t she realize she could be the best mom in the world?
Abortion is not the answer for us.
But how do I tell her that?
I close my eyes, my lip trembling as my hand slides onto her flat stomach. I can’t feel anything. I mean, how could I? But one day I would be able to, because my baby is in there. When I look to where my hand rests, the tears start to fall because I’m supposed to stand back and let this happen. Sliding down the bed, I rest my head on her chest, and her hands come up to hold me instinctively. Looking at where her belly lies so flat, I choke back a sob and close my eyes. If this was the right thing to do, wouldn’t it feel like it? Wouldn’t I know? Because what I feel, what I know, is that I want to hold this baby. I don’t think I can stand back and let her do this.
This may be her body, but this is my baby too.
And I can’t let this happen.
But how do I tell her that?
Earlier, I just stared at her. Cried, frozen and speechless as she looked at me, wanting something other than what I could give her. I froze, my bad, but damn it, this isn’t right.
Right?
I’m suffocating.
I need to know I’m not insane.
That I can make this work.
I don’t even really realize what I’m doing until I get up, climbing out of the bed and sliding my feet into my shoes as I throw on a hoodie. Opening the door, hoping I don’t wake Markus or Avery, I shut it and then shoot up the stairs and out into the cold air. Sucking in a deep breath, I look up at the sky and shake my head.
And I know what I have to do.
Soon, I’m full out running to my car, ignoring the burn in my chest or the way my shoes are rubbing on the backs of my ankles.
By the time I pull into my mom’s driveway, I realize I didn’t think this through. The house is pitch black. I really don’t want to wake anyone, but I need to talk to my sister. She’ll tell it the way it is. My mom will sugarcoat it, Jude and Jayden will freak, and my dad, um, no. Lucy, though, she’ll give me the truth even if I don’t like it. I just hope the truth is what I’m thinking because I think I’ve got my mind set.
Parking behind her car, I jump out and walk around the house, dialing her number. “Jace?” she answers sleepily. “What’s wrong?”
“Hey, open your window.”
“Huh?”
I knock on her window. “Open your window.”
“What the hell—”
I hear her moving around and then see the light come on before the blinds go up and she’s looking at me, confused. Hitting the latch, she pushes the window open and looks at me incredulously. “It’s five in the morning.”
I nod. “I need to talk to you.”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
“It’s my only time to sleep,” she whines as I climb over the ledge, but then she eyes me. “Are you crying? I thought you said you and Avery are good?” she whispers and I nod.
“We are.” I swallow around the lump in my throat. That’s for sure. Everything else is a little spotty, but she and I, we are good. “She’s pregnant.”
Lucy pauses. Her eyes widen, her body jerks in surprise, and her mouth drops open as she holds my gaze. She slowly covers her mouth, her eyes falling shut as she shakes her head. “Oh, Jace, I thought you knew better. Wrap it up, dude.”
“We did. Every time,” I say slowly, my heart still not beating right. “When you’re this amazing, your boys break condoms.”
She balks and I try for a smile, but then I just shake my head. I’m lame. “Thank you for that image, Jace.”
“Anytime.” Silence falls between us as she walks to her bed, sitting down before patting the spot beside her.
“So because you are here at five a.m., I’m sure you are freaking out?”
“I am,” I whisper, and when my mouth starts to tremble, I look over at her. “She wants to get an abortion.”
Her eyes widen again as she sucks in a breath. “What?”
“Yeah.” I hold my face in my hands as my elbows dig into my knees. “Lucy, I don’t want that.” She scoots over, her hand moving up and down my back as the other lays flat against my hands. “But I don’t know how to tell her that. She’s so determined, and I think she thinks it’s the only option. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell her not to, that we can do this. She was crying, explaining why. She was so sure, but I don’t want to. I want to keep it.”
“Oh, Jace,” she whispers, holding me close. “Are you sure? There is another option. I know plenty of people who would love to adopt a baby.”
“No. I want my baby,” I say sternly.
She nods. “Okay, so why didn’t you tell her that?”
“I couldn’t speak, and she’d already made the appointment for today before she even told me.”
“Jesus Christ, are you serious?”
“Yeah, I’m telling you, it was insane. I was so overwhelmed.”
“So ask her to cancel it.”
“But it’s not my body,” I stress, and she gives me a dirty look.
“Who the fuck cares? It’s your baby too.”
I try to look up at her, but my tears make her blurry. “That doesn’t matter. It’s her body. Who am I to ask her not to?”
“The father, who wants his child. I really don’t think she wants this. She loves kids. Are you sure? Did she say, ‘I want an abortion’?”
I shrug, a sob bubbling at the base of my throat. “I guess so. I don’t know.”
“Did you ask?”
“No.”
She looks at me incredulously. “Then, Jace, how do you know?”
“I could see it in her eyes. She was convinced this was the only option.”
“And that was the time for you to tell her otherwise. What happened to being honest?”
“I froze,” I admit as her hands come up to wipe my face.
“Jace, you don’t freeze.”
My mouth quirks as I laugh with no humor at all. “On the ice, no. But this, this froze me. I was so overloaded with emotion, and she was so sure. I didn’t know how to tell her I didn’t agree.”
“You have to.”
I pause, biting my lip before glancing over at her. “But what if she still wants to go along with it?”
She looks deep into my eyes and shrugs. “Then I really don’t think y’all will come back from this.”
And that’s what I need. I want honesty and my sister doesn’t play.
“You won’t look at her the same if she does this. You’ll love her, but you’ll forever regret it, and one day you’ll blame her. Be honest, Jace. Reassure her that you guys have got this because I really don’t think she wants to do this. I think she wanted you to step up, tell her you wanted the baby, that you would do this with her, and you didn’t do that. She’s probably scared out of her mind.”
“She is.”
“Then talk to her.”
When my phone sounds, I pull it out of my pocket to see it’s her.
“Speak of the devil,” she mutters, shaking her head.
Avery: Where did you go?
Me: Had to run out to my mom’s house to drop some money off to her.
Avery: At six in the morning?
Me: Yeah, I forgot to tell you last night and I didn’t want to wake you.
“That’s a dumb lie. I don’t know why you’re lying at all. She knows you’re close to us and will tell us,” Lucy says with a yawn.
“Yeah, but I want to talk to her in person.”
“Oh, true.”
“And you can’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t, psycho,” she bites out as my phone goes off again.
Avery: Oh. Well. My appointment is in an hour. Are you gonna be back in time?
“Fuck.”
Lucy shakes her head. “Man, this is a mess.”
“You can say that again,” I say as I text Avery back real quick and I stand up.
Me: I’m so sorry, I’m leaving now. I’ll meet you there. Text me the address.
Avery: Okay.
“Thanks, Lucy. I gotta go.”
She stands with me, kissing my cheek. “Let me know what happens.”
“I will.”
As I go out the window, she grabs my arm. “It will work out, Jace. You two got this.”
I lean toward her, kissing her on the cheek. “Thanks.”
I pray she’s right.
And that Avery thinks the same.
She will.
Now is not the time to stop being cocky.
When I pause, Lucy looks at me as I say, “I forgot something.”
“What?” she asks as I rush through her door and out into the house, but I don’t answer her.
I can’t.
Not yet.
Not until I talk to Avery.