Chapter Twenty-Seven
Justin – Monday
“Here’s your change, thank you.” The kindly woman smiled at me in the bakery as I clutched the pastry close to my chest. I wasn’t quite sure why I’d bothered to get breakfast when I felt sick, rather than hungry. I must have done it instinctually, and now I would have to eat it because I couldn’t exactly take it into the jail cell with me.
Today, I needed to see Garrett. I had to discuss everything with him, just to get it straight in my mind. I would have to make them understand at the station that I might just go insane if I didn’t.
“Erm…yeah, thanks, keep the change,” I replied distractedly, before walking out. As I passed the line, I sensed all eyes upon me, as if everyone could tell what Garrett had done. I hadn't brought any newspapers recently, but it was likely that something of the story had been reported…possibly even names.
Oh God, I don’t want to be dealing with any of this!
The lawyer had given me a call early this morning to see if I needed him or he could get on with organizing the case, which I instantly told him to do. I wanted to speak to Garrett alone, uncensored, so this was for the best.
I stuffed the pastry into my mouth quickly as I arrived at the police station, needing it gone. As I stood there for a few moments, chewing frantically, my heart raced in my chest at the thought of my brother in there.
He was such a spoiled brat, so used to the privileged life, that I wasn’t sure how he would be coping. He would never tell me that he was struggling, but I’d be able to see it in his face if he was.
Urgh, this was it. I couldn’t put it off anymore.
“Excuse me?” I asked quietly to the woman behind the desk. There were many people sitting in the waiting room, and now that I’d considered the fact that Garrett was likely in the news, I didn’t want everyone to know that I was related to him. “Is there any chance of me seeing Garrett Gains today?”
Please say yes, please don’t make this any harder than it already is, I mentally pleaded with her.
“I will see what we can do for you,” she replied nonplussed. “Please take a seat.”
I sat in that chair for what felt like forever until someone finally came into the waiting room to call my name. I was led into a small interview-type room where my brother was sitting with a scowl on his face. He had his hands clasped tightly together, revealing only his white knuckles, showing his anger through his body language.
“I’m surprised you bothered to come again,” he said through gritted teeth. “I thought you had abandoned me.”
“You know that I’d never do that,” I sighed sadly, sitting opposite him. We had never been close, but I’d got the impression that our relationship was on the way to improving. Not any more, though; the rift between us was bigger than ever. “I just want you to understand what you’ve done.”
“I get it, you want to punish me. Job done.”
It felt like a challenge, like he was leaving the ball in my court, giving me the opportunity to decide what I wanted to do next. “So, do you want to talk about it? You must be feeling something about what’s happened…”
I needed him to have some kind of remorse for his actions, I needed to know that the front he was putting on was nothing more than a façade. He had to still have some humanity in there somewhere.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he shot back quickly. “What’s done is done. I just need you to get me out of here.”
“There isn’t any chance of that,” I told him firmly. “I don’t even know if they would grant you bail at this point, and it definitely wouldn’t be affordable.”
“Oh yeah, cause you’re so hard up,” he sneered nastily at me. “You’re doing this on purpose. You’ve never loved me, and now that I’ve revealed the truth about your precious father, you can’t stand it.”
Oh God, we were back at that. “That isn’t the case at all,” I told him seriously. “Do you not think that I’ve proved my love for you with everything I’ve done for you over the years?”
When he didn’t answer that, I decided that there was no harm in digging deeper. The wedge between us was already gigantic, what more damage could I do? “Now, I think you really need to think about what you’ve done. The victim was a teenage girl on her way back from college. She had a family, a life, now she’s gone—”
“So you’ve read the papers then? Made up your mind from that?” He folded his arms across his chest and actually dared to roll his eyes at me. Why the fuck am I trying to reason with someone who so clearly doesn’t give a shit? I was trying to find some empathy, some sympathy, when there wasn’t any.
“No, I read the lawyer’s court report. I haven’t seen the news at all,” I replied coldly. “So do you want to tell me your side of the story or not?”
“Not,” he didn’t surprise me by saying. “Why don’t we talk about your faults, instead?”
“What the hell are on about now?” I asked wearily. This was typical Garrett, always turning the blame around, and as our vicious cycle always went, I was allowing myself to get sucked right in.
“Well, you are your father’s son, after all. Why are you getting so deeply involved with a woman when you’re only going to cheat on her and break her heart?”
“Oh my God, are you serious? First off, my personal life is none of your business—”
“But it’s all right for you to get involved in mine?”
“And secondly, even if what you told me about Dad was the truth, then why would I follow in the same path? I’m my own man, you know?”
“None of us are,” he shook his head as if he was pitying me. “The Gains gene is a bad one. We’re all fuck ups; we don’t deserve anything good to happen to us. We’re all born lonely, and we die that way, too.”
Is that why he didn’t seem to give a shit about any of this? Is he depressed? Maybe this wasn’t about me being like Dad; maybe this was him being like Mom. Maybe he was the one who had carried on the genes. Maybe he stepped into that car drunk, wanting to die; maybe the only thing he was upset about was being alive. Maybe that was why he wanted to get out so desperately…
All of a sudden, the air felt thick and the walls started to close in on me. I couldn’t stand it – my lungs began to constrict like they couldn’t get enough air. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” I managed to gasp out as I stood up. “I will get the lawyer to contact you.” My eyes were swimming, my heart racing, I didn’t know anything except for the fact that I needed to escape.
Garrett looked like he didn’t give a shit about what he was doing to me. He simply shrugged his shoulders and turned his eyes away, making it easier for me to leave him alone.
As I staggered outside, and I gasped in deep fresh breaths of air, my mind raced with unpleasant thoughts. What am I going to do if my brother is suicidal? How am I going to cope with losing the last remaining member of my family? And, if Garrett does have Mom’s genes, then do I have Dad’s? Will I turn out like him, even if I don’t want to?
I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t cope with the idea of being alone with only my thoughts for company. I had to head into the office where I could have work to distract me. I needed something to do to stop me from all of this worrying. So I got into my car and headed towards work.
As I wandered through the halls of the office, I felt like I was in a dream world. People called out to me, but all I could manage was a small smile as a reply. Maybe it was a mistake coming here; maybe being in the office was actually the worst thing that I could have done, but it was too late now. I was here.
“We’ve missed you,” Marie called out in that overly flirty tone of voice. “Where have you been?” I didn’t want her to come near me. I couldn’t stand the idea of her even touching me in the mood I was in, so I was grateful when my PA Lucia stepped into view, taking my attention away from her.
“How are you, boss?” she asked grimly. I’d told her an edited version of what had happened, only because I needed her to reschedule all of my appointments. Luckily I knew that I could trust her enough not to say anything…not that it mattered at this point. Everyone probably knew everything now.
“I’m…okay,” I lied. “I just came in to see if there’s anything I need to do.”
“I’ve left you some documents that need signing on your desk, but that’s it. Everything else is taken care of.” I knew that was because of her; she was a miracle worker when I needed her to be. “Why don’t you get that done quickly and head home? There isn’t any reason for you to be here.”
“Thank you,” I replied gratefully, knowing that she was being kind. “I’ll lock myself away for a while and get that done.”
As I locked the rest of the world away, I let out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding. This was too much to handle right now, but I could just about cope with signing my name on a few pieces of paper. They would have been vetted by Lucia anyway, so I didn’t even have to read them. Luckily, because my eyes were not in the mood to focus.
Once I’d gone through the five minutes of work she’d left for me, I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes for a few moments. I couldn’t quite face seeing everyone again yet, so staying in here really was the only option.
“Why don’t we talk about your faults instead?”
“The Gains gene is a bad one.”
“We’re all fuck ups; we don’t deserve anything good to happen to us.”
“We’re all born lonely, and we die that way, too.”
Garrett’s words circled around and around in my mind, damn near driving me insane. The more I thought about it, the more it felt like his words might have a lot more truth and weight to them that I’d first assumed.
I didn’t really know anything about our family history because Dad pointedly never talked about anyone, and now I was starting to wonder why. Maybe we were just a bad lot.
Ring, ring…
As my phone rang, and I noticed Annie’s name pop up on the screen, I felt my heart fluttering sadly. I couldn’t speak to her, not now, not while I wasn’t even sure whether I was coming or going. She deserved better; she deserved the world. And after it seemed like she’d been hurt in the past, I really wanted that for her – and it wouldn’t be me that could give it to her. Not right now.
What I needed to do was take a step back, to reevaluate everything. I was aware that I could lose her along the way, that she could meet someone better, but that was a sacrifice I would have to make, for her sake. I didn’t want to be like my dad if he was a cheat – I didn’t ever want that title – so I hoped that by putting Annie first, I was taking a step in the right direction.