Chapter Thirty-Six
Ashlee
Monday
I paced up and down the funeral home, trying to figure out all the details in my mind. I knew that the guy had told me that I had everything organized and under control, but my brain wasn't quite so willing to accept that. I needed this funeral to be the best damn memory to my mom ever, and I didn’t want a single thing to go wrong.
I have her favorite song lined up, those flowers that she adores, the eulogy almost written...
But however much I tried to convince myself, it wasn't ever going to be enough. My mind was still going to circle until it found a fault.
“Ashlee,” I suddenly heard that voice again, Matthew calling out to me, showing me that he was there. I was starting to see through the cloud of grief now, and I appreciated him for it. He was like the light in a dark situation, the silver lining to the storm cloud that was hanging above my head. “I have something for you.”
“The necklace?” I smiled at him, realizing that my family had probably been something of a nightmare for him. I knew that they could be a handful at best of times, and judging by the amount of time he’d taken, I must have thrown him right in at the deep end.
I couldn't regret them being there, though; they’d been my rock over the last couple of days, creating noise and chaos when I needed it most. I feared that if I’d had any time by myself, I might have fallen apart. I was doing my best to be strong, to hold it all together, but it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.
“I have the necklace,” he confirmed, handing it to me. As the chain touched my hand, I felt the warmth from my mother’s love rush right through me. This connected me to her in a way that I hadn’t experienced since she found out that she was sick. It zapped me back into the past, reminding me of the upbeat, joyous person that she’d always been.
I was with her again, her holding me in my arms as I wept over some silly trouble that I was having at school. One of the girls decided that she didn’t like me, and she’d been mocking me all day long. It was petty, and very ridiculous, but at the time it felt like the end of the world. I sobbed into my mom’s chest as she held me close to her.
“Don't you worry about her,” she whispered to me, stroking my cheek. “She’ll be on to her next victim tomorrow. You’ll just be forgotten about.”
“But why does she have to be so mean?” I wailed. I didn’t want to be forgotten about, just for her to move onto someone else. I just wanted her to stop. “Why can’t everyone just be nice?”
Mom sighed deeply, trying to consider this before answering. “You can’t always control things,” she told me seriously. “You can’t control how other people will behave, because that isn’t how life works. But you can control your own behavior, and you can monitor the way that you make people feel. You can also control the way that you react to people.”
She pulled back to look me in the eyes as she gave me one of my life’s most important lessons to date. “People like this girl will have things that are bothering them, issues outside of what you can see, which make them behave the way that they do. Maybe she needs attention, and by getting upset, you’re feeding into that. Maybe you should give her attention in a different way.”
After that, she put on some of my favorite songs, and she got me up laughing and dancing, and having fun. I never became friends with that girl, which I felt like my mom wanted from me, but we did come to a silent understanding where we simply avoided one another. I never did find out what was bothering that girl, what made her act the way she did, but it was obviously something.
“But I also have something else,” Matthew interrupted my thoughts by handing me an envelope. “It was in the jewelry box, too.”
I ran my fingers along the letters written on the envelope, my name written in my mother’s handwriting. In that moment, it was obvious that she knew she was going to die and soon, or she never would have taken the time to do this. I wished that she’d told me, wished that I’d known; maybe I would have been able to do things a whole lot differently if that were the case.
“What is this?” I asked pointlessly. “What does it say?” I already knew that he didn’t know because the letter hadn’t been opened, but I needed to say something to stall just a little bit. This was going to be a life changing letter, I was sure of it, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that just yet.
“I’m going to wait outside.” Matthew seemed to sense that I needed space, and he was more than willing to give that to me, proving what an amazing person he was. “Call me back in whenever you need me, okay?”
I nodded stiffly, watching him walk off, then I went and sat in the front pew. Before tearing open the letter, I sucked in a few deep breaths of air, trying to calm my emotional body down. I was doing a great job of holding it all together, and I didn’t want to let that go.
‘Dear Ashlee,
I’m so sorry that I’ve left you in this way. I’m sure that you know I never would have wanted this, but I’ve known for a while now that my time was coming, and accepted that. I’m ready now, happy to see your dad once more because I’ve missed him like crazy. I mean, I hate that I have to leave you to be with him, but you know how much I’ve yearned for him since he died.
I want to let you know how proud I am of you, and how proud your dad was, too. Despite all the hardship that you’ve been through in your life, you’ve managed to turn that into a positive. You’ve worked hard to become an amazing career woman, one with focus and drive, but I want to remind you that there is more to life. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and well rounded, and while I see that you’re doing your best, I think that there are some areas in which you’ve been holding back.
Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m talking about Matthew.
I know that you might not want to hear this, but I really think that you should give him a chance. You know for a fact that I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t think that he was right for you. I believe that he can make you happy, and that you’re only truly fulfilled when you’re with him. If I’m wrong, feel free to totally ignore this and carry on regardless, as I know you will. I just wanted you to hear what I think.
Whatever you decide in life, I know for a fact that you will make someone an amazing wife and mother. You’re kind, sweet, and very caring...which you’ve proven by dropping everything to come and help me. You have a lot to offer the world, and I’ve been incredibly lucky to have you as a child.
Ever since the day that you were born, I’ve been thankful to God for you, and that hasn’t changed one bit; even during the time when we saw each other less, I was grateful to have you in the world with me.
I guess, since life for me and your dad has been so short, I only have one piece of advice for you: live life to the fullest, and focus on your own happiness. You only have a limited time on this planet, so stop worrying so much, stop stressing over the little things, and just do the things that make you smile. Laugh every day, smile often, and take time out...especially when you’re feeling stressed.
I love you so much, and I will be alongside your father watching over you every day.
Lot of love,
Mom xx’
With that, I was a mess. The tears were streaming, my heart was pounding, and my emotions were all over the place. This was too much; it was wrenching at my heart. It seemed like the last thing that Mom wanted for me was to end up with Matthew, and that was intense. Much as it was what I wanted to, it felt a little overwhelming, to say the least.
Another memory flooded my mind just for a second, and it was of my mom giving me almost the exact same advice when I was younger, a few days after the argument that ruined everything.
“I know things seem difficult now,” she had told me, speaking to me about my problems when she’d just lost the love of her life. Unfortunately, my head was not in the right place to hear it at the time. I was stubborn and pig headed, sticking to my guns. “But trust me, you will regret it if you continue to punish him for this.”
I felt like she didn’t understand what she was going on about at the time, but now I could see that she understood me much better than I gave her credit for. “No, Mom, Matthew is a douchebag. I will never talk to him again; he deserves everything that he gets. He deserted me, he ran off to be with the idiotic, popular crowd, and now he’s blown it.”
She had closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead lightly, clearly growing exasperated with me. “Look, Ashlee, all I’m telling you is don't make a rash decision that you’ll go on to regret. You’re hurting now, grieving over the loss of your father, and soon you’re going to need Matthew. Trust me, I know that it feels like you’re alone in this right now...that’s how I feel, too, but you’ll soon see that his one mistake doesn’t cancel all the good...”
“No, Mom,” I had snapped at her, allowing my temper to flow. “I’m going to New York anyway, so we’ll never see one another again.” Considering everything, that probably wasn't the best way to tell my mom that she was losing me, too, but I was young and selfish. Luckily for me, she was an expert at holding it together.
“Matthew has spent the last few years making you fulfilled and happy; don't throw that away.”
But of course I didn’t listen because I felt like I knew better. How could she understand my personal situation? She was being sappy because she’d lost her love. I had to get out of town; I needed to get the hell away before I was swallowed whole by Florence.
But she was right then, and I was sure that she was right again.
I stood up and walked outside, wanting to see Matthew once more. As soon as I spotted him, leaning up against the wall, a wash of feelings overcame me, and I finally decided to just let things loose. What was the point of holding back when life was so short?
“I love you,” I gasped, staring deep into his eyes.
He crumbled in that moment, before pulling me in for a deep hug. As I rested against his chest, listening to his heart pound, I felt good. I felt whole. “I love you, too,” he told me, gripping onto me for dear life. “I always have, and I always will.”