Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ashlee
Tuesday
As I watched Matthew speak about my mother, I knew the words were coming from his heart. It might not have been the most elegantly crafted eulogy, one like mine that had been rehearsed a million and one times, but it was perfect for Mom. She preferred life when it wasn't all to plan, and I could imagine that if she was watching us all, she would be extremely pleased.
I hoped that she had heard my words anyway, that she didn’t need me to stand up and say it all aloud when I could barely hold myself upright.
But when I thought over the rehearsed words once more, I felt like maybe Matthew had done an even better job by simply saying what was on his mind. As he sat beck next to me, in floods of tears while Mom’s favorite power ballad played, I took my turn to hug him and to comfort him. It hit me once more how this was yet another death in his life, another loss, and he was doing his best to remain strong, to support me, all the while he was feeling it too.
He loved my parents, just as much as I did, and I adored him for that. My heart swelled with love as I clung to Matthew, never wanting to let him go, and that was how I remained for the rest of the service, even as we all filed out of the church to go to the burial site, which was a short car journey away.
“Are you all right?” I asked Matthew quietly, watching his expression crumble all over again. “Did you want to come to the burial?” Sure, I needed him with me, but I wouldn’t force him to go if he couldn't handle it.
“I do,” he gasped as a response. “I want to see this through now.”
I slid the car keys from his hand and took control for a change by getting into the driver’s seat. As we made our way over to the gravesite, I knew that I had to say something, or I might never get the opportunity again. Once this day was over, I might never be able to speak of it again, and then I would never get to express my gratitude.
“Thanks for standing up in the church,” I told him seriously. “That was a lovely speech, and I think it captured Mom’s spirit well. She would have been really proud of you.”
And of course, I already knew that she would have. Both of my parents had a real soft spot for Matthew; her heart would have been swelling with happiness if she’d seen that. “You spoke from the heart and actually what you said was a million times better than what I had planned. I think my speech might have been too generic for her.”
He nodded at me, crying too hard to even speak, so I rubbed my hand on his shoulder, just for a second. This was what love was supposed to be like, supporting one another during the most difficult times in our lives, and I was glad that we’d finally made it that far. It had been a long time coming.
I felt drips running over my head as I stepped back out of the car, causing me to glance up at the rain that was starting to fall. Rather than feeling annoyed, like I could well have done, the fact that I was getting wet felt right. The world was losing a lot with my mom gone, Florence was losing a lot, so this weather felt perfect.
Of course I was losing the most, but I’d also gained the most by having her in my life. I felt like I was dealing with this death differently to that of my dad. Back then, I could only focus on what I would no longer have; I couldn't see how lucky I was to have had him in my life at all.
But not this time; this time I could see it all.
I wept hard as Mom’s body was lowered into the ground, we all did, but the entire process was so beautiful that I also felt at peace. At least she wasn't miserable anymore; at least she wasn't in pain. Seeing her like that had killed me, and I’d also known for a very long time that she wanted to be with my dad again, so I had to be happy for her.
She’d never gotten over my dad, she’d never moved on to anyone else because for her, it was only him...and they were reunited now, somewhere in the afterlife. That was a thought that could comfort me.
I sat by her grave as everyone else filtered away, not wanting to leave my mom alone just yet. I was acutely aware of Matthew’s presence next to me, but I didn’t focus on him for the time being, just imaging that I could have one last chat with my mom, saying all the things that I never got to say before.
I love you, Mom, I really do, I smiled to myself as I thought. And I want to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me throughout my life, a list that’s too large for me to even start. You were my rock, my support network, my best friend, and I’m sad to see you gone...but I hope that you’re in a better place now. I pray that you’re happy with Daddy, and that it’s all been worth it.
Suddenly, I spotted Matthew leaving me, and I turned to shoot him a confused look, which changed the second I saw him racing backwards with a massive bouquet of flowers in his hand...the exact kind that I’d seen on my dad’s grave.
“Are you planning to keep visiting the grave now that both Mom and Dad are buried there?” I asked him with a sad smile playing on my lips.
“Of course,” he said as if that were obvious. “Like I said in the church, your parents were like my parents, and I feel like I have a whole lot of making up to do.”
I could already tell that he was talking about missing Dad’s funeral all over again, which made me shake my head. I didn’t need his apologies anymore; it was done, we both now knew what had happened, and where we’d both failed. I wanted to put it in the past forever, where it belonged.
“Shhh,” I told him, pressing my finger lightly up against his lips. “I don't want to hear that you’re sorry anymore. I just want us to...to be...” I realized as I said it how true I wanted that to be. I didn’t want any more complications, dramas, or struggles; I just wanted us to be able to live a normal, happy life. I just hoped that was possible.
With that, we sat next to each other for a while, arm in arm, both lost in our own thoughts. My mind went back to the past, remembering all the best times I’d had with my mom, and my dad, too. I recalled the time when we moved to Florence, when I hadn’t wanted to come, but they made me see what potential the town had. I remembered game nights, where we would all fall out and make up again within the hour. I thought about simple things, such as family movie time...a time that I didn’t appreciate as much as I should have.
Matthew might have been silent, but I could tell that he was doing the same, and this gave us a bond. We both had a shared experience, something that we needed to recover from, and I had the strong sense that this time we would come out of it much stronger. This wasn't going to tear us apart; this was going to be another foundation that we could build ourselves upon... So at least we would be left with that.
After a few moments, Matthew turned to face me, before pulling me in for a deep, heart-stopping kiss. There was so much unsaid in there, so much love flowing between us, that it made my heart melt. “I wish that I could take away your pain,” he eventually told me, sadness lacing his tone. “I would do anything to be able to make you happy again.”
“You do,” I whispered back, allowing the rain to mix in with my tears. “You have no idea how much you help me, without even trying.”
“I love you,” he gasped sincerely, weeping along with me. The fact that he was experiencing this all with me, the fact that we could relate to one another perfectly, it made that connection between us completely and utterly unbreakable.
“I love you, too,” I said, holding onto him tightly.
Matthew had pulled through for me this time, going above and beyond, and I could tell that he was doing a lot of it to make up for last time. He’d proven to me that he would always be there for me, and that fear would never be an issue again, which made my chest swell with joy. This might have been the hardest day of my life, but there was a lot of good happening, too. “You really are the perfect man for me.”
Matthew rested his forehead against mine, and we stared into one another’s eyes for a few seconds. I could see his sincerity, his love for me, and it made me feel incredible. To have someone that truly needed me, and wanted me just as much as I did him... I didn’t feel like there could be anything better.
“Come on,” he eventually whispered, standing up and holding his hand out to me. “I think we should go for a walk; is that okay with you?”
I nodded, before doing as he asked, feeling the hole in my heart fill a little as we moved. I might have been saying goodbye to one important person to me, but I was letting another in, and that was a good thing.