Chapter Thirty
Annie – Monday, One Week Later
“What’s that?” I asked Rae over the breakfast table, noticing her totally engrossed in something.
“My present from Justin,” she smiled, holding it up to show me. “It’s lots of fun.”
Those words sent daggers into my heart. I remembered the moment he gave me that for Rae, how optimistic I’d found that moment. I’d thought that he wasn’t just accepting me into his life, but my daughter, too, and that felt really positive for the future. If I’d known how things were going to turn out, then I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get so suckered in.
I was trying to do what Nancy advised and give him some space, but it had been over a week now and it was clear that he wouldn’t be getting back in touch with me anytime soon. I needed to just accept that it was over.
“Oh, that’s nice,” I tried to sound breezy as I replied, but I wasn’t sure that came across. “It looks good.”
“When is Justin coming again? I want to show him what I’ve done.”
Oh God, she is so innocent, so trusting, how the hell am I going to break her heart? I was starting to wish that I’d never set eyes on Justin Gains. The aftereffects of having him in my life really weren’t worth it.
“I don’t know; now why don’t you get your breakfast eaten? Nancy will be here soon.” Changing the subject was the only option that I had left. “You want her to know how well-behaved you’ve been, don’t you?”
“Yeah, okay.”
As she ate quietly, I sat beside her and sipped my coffee. I wasn’t in the mood for food myself, which was pretty typical of me whenever I was facing heartbreak. When everything happened with Rae’s dad, I didn’t eat for about two weeks. I only started again because I didn’t want to end up sick and in hospital, leaving my baby girl, too.
I just couldn’t understand it. Things seemed to be going so well between me and Justin, how could it have gone from that to absolutely nothing? It just didn’t feel right. If he wasn’t interested anymore, if he had too much going on in his life, why couldn’t he just tell me to put me out of my misery? I would do that for him, just out of respect. What we’d had meant a lot to me, but all of this proved that it didn’t to him. It couldn’t have.
One text, one phone call for five minutes – I didn’t feel like I was being unreasonable expecting that. It didn’t feel like too much to ask. I hated to feel like I’d been used, that I hadn't meant anything. It made me feel sad and useless.
Knock, knock…
“Oh that must be Nancy,” I told Rae quickly. “I’ll go and let her in.”
I wasn’t looking forward to a long day of putting on my fake face again, but it beat sitting around at home trying to work out where I went wrong. At least at Boffees there was always something to do, something to keep me distracted. When there weren’t customers to serve, there was always cleaning and organizing…something to throw myself into.
It was just a shame that my business reminded me of him, too. I could barely move through the store without spotting something that was him – the counter where he first approached me, the seat where he sat reading my book and drinking his coffee, the place where he spent some time with Rae. There was no escape. Physically, he might have been in Portland, but he hadn't left Florence either, not really.
“Hey, Nancy, how are you?” I was happy to see my friend glowing with happiness, but it was yet another reminder that my own love story hadn't turned out as I’d expected. “Rae is in the kitchen eating.” Usually, I hung around to chat for a bit, but today I just wanted to get going. “I better get going. I have a lot to do.”
We said a quick goodbye and I shouted farewell to Rae before I headed out to the one place I really needed to act happy. I was just hoping that I could fake it until I made it. I knew that I could feel okay again after all that I’d survived in the past, it just felt like it was taking me a very long time to get there.
I managed to hold it together for the first hour as I served a lot of my regulars, fending off any questions about what was happening with the business. It seemed that people were more aware of my expansion plans that I was aware of, which was nice in a way, but sad because of how things had turned out.
Then Roy walked in, and I felt myself crumble.
He was the man who had introduced me to Justin – there was no escaping my emotions when he was involved. “Hi,” he said kindly, clearly seeing the mess he’d turned me into. “A latte please, and a chat if you have time.”
I nodded quickly before turning my back to him while I attempted to pull myself together. I couldn’t cry, not in front of all the people in the café. I’d never hear the end of it. I sucked in a few deep breaths of air, reminding myself that I was in public, then as I finally felt ready, I took Roy over his drink.
“So, how are things with you?” I asked, hoping to ease myself into the conversation gently, but he had no intention of letting me get away with it so easily. He gave me a look, one that told me that he could see the inner turmoil I was experiencing.
“Okay,” I conceded. “You don’t want to talk about you; you want to hear about me, instead.”
“I do,” he nodded, confirming everything. “You look sad, and I want to know why.”
I let out a sigh before launching into the whole messy tale. “Well, investment-wise, things didn’t work out,” I told him in a straightforward tone of voice, but he instantly jumped on that, thinking I was sad because of my business.
“Oh, I am sorry. I thought he would be the right person for you.”
“It’s okay. I think that he really did want to help, but his advisor basically made him cut me a deal that benefitted him, obviously, but it didn’t work for me. I wasn’t willing to give up that much of my company. I didn’t want to lose so much control.”
“Oh right, I see,” he replied a little shocked. “Well it sounds like you made a smart decision. I hope Justin told you that. I hope that he didn’t lead you on. That makes me look terrible.”
“Oh, he did, that isn’t really the problem,” I reassured him. “The issue lies with the fact that we slept together…”
“I knew you two had chemistry – I could just sense it!” he grinned happily, until it hit him that this tale clearly didn’t have a happy ending. That must was written right across my face. “Oh, sorry.”
“It’s okay, it was going well. Things were a little strange between us because of the investment, but as soon as I decided not to go through with it, it felt much better.”
“So, what went wrong?” he asked cautiously.
“Well, his brother got caught drunk driving, and I think there was an accident. I think it was really bad and that there were other people involved.” I didn’t want to tell him the full details; it didn’t really feel like my place to do so, so I hoped that would be enough. “I left Portland, and Justin hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“Garrett has always been a problem,” Roy confirmed, shaking his head sadly. “I don’t know how Justin copes with him. If things are that bad, then he’s probably really sucked into it all. Maybe he doesn’t even realize that he hasn’t contacted you. I wouldn’t worry too much. I know what he’s like and it seems like you’ve had a real impact on him. I’ve never heard him tell me that he likes someone before.”
“Wait, he told you that?” I gasped, sounding like an excited teenager. “That has to be good, right?”
But then I remembered that it had been over a week, and all the happiness simply zapped from my system.
“I would just give him time,” he continued, frustratingly. “Garrett has always been hard work for him, he’s always been a problem, but this sounds like the worst thing he’s ever done. Justin is probably getting it from every angle and doesn’t know where to turn. The lawyers, the police, the media. He’s probably right in the middle of a horrible shit-storm. I know it’s hard, but you might just have to be patient.”
Patient.
Everyone kept telling me that, and on the surface it seemed like really good advice, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. How can I be patient when it is tearing me up inside? What if I waited patiently, and he decided that he didn’t want me after all? Wouldn’t it be better to just get over him now before my heart got torn into shreds?
“Yeah, thank you,” I replied quietly, not voicing any of my inner thoughts. None of this was Roy’s fault, and he probably didn’t know how to tell me that moving on would be the best thing for me. Maybe he thought that he was actually giving me good advice, I couldn’t quite tell. “Anyway, I better get back to work, but thank you.”
I stood behind the counter, wiping down the surface and refusing to make eye contact with anyone. In that moment, I felt really misunderstood, like no one could get what I was going through, like no one had a chance of understanding. Rationally, I knew I wasn’t the first person to get her heart broken, and I wouldn’t be the last either, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling alone.
Nancy was happy and in love, Rae would be going to school soon, and I was going to have to focus on carving out a happy future for myself. I hadn't realized that I’d sort of been doing that, but now that it had been stripped away from me, I felt more desperate than ever.
I wanted that magical, fairytale romance. I needed the happy ever after – I just had to accept that it wasn’t going to come with Justin so that I could go out and get it. I needed to remember that he was just a chapter in my life’s book, and that it was time to move onto the next one.
No, no matter what everyone kept telling me, I wouldn’t keep being patient and hanging on. I would focus on getting past this sorry mess, instead. It wouldn’t be easy, but the longer I allowed myself to keep dangling on this string, the harder it would become. I deserved more – I owed Rae and myself much better. I’d wanted Justin from the beginning, so that is what I would aim for. No, not even someone like Justin; someone much better.
He was out there. I could find him, couldn’t I? Just because I hadn't before, didn’t mean I wouldn’t now. I hadn't been ready then, now I was. Now my heart was open and waiting for love.
I had to at least remain hopeful or that was it for me. I didn’t stand a chance. Faking it until I made it clearly wasn’t working for me, now I needed to find something that would.
By the time I actually finished work, I felt a little bit more positive. I was sad, of course – that wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon – but at least I had a plan now. I was finally moving forwards.