Chapter Thirty
Libby
I hadn’t expected everything to go back to rainbows between Tucker and me with my apology, but I had hoped it would. Even though I couldn’t tempt him out of his clothes, he had come to help me. That was what had to matter. But sitting across from him at dinner after agreeing to leave my car behind and go back to the ranch with him, I wished we’d chosen to eat in. He hadn’t bothered to shave, and the rough stubble on his face made him look even more the part of the cowboy in a movie. He was rugged only as much as it made him masculine, pretty at the edges with long eyelashes. His soft, pouting lips made women, or at least this woman, melt every time he spoke or smiled.
“Libby, are you there?” He asked as I stared, and my face instantly colored.
“Yes. I’m sorry, I was… um, thinking. Were you talking to me?” He chook his head and I exhaled in relief.
“You looked so far away. You must have been thinking something good, though. You have the prettiest smile on the planet.” My face started to get hot from the blood that rushed to it.
“Thanks,” I chuckled. “I appreciate all the reasons I have to use it.” He met my eyes, and his hand reached out across the table. I took it, and my smile threatened to turn to tears, even though I felt so happy that my heart wanted to burst free of its bony cage.
“I love you, Elizabeth Grace Peele.” He held my hand tighter, and my bottom lip slid between my teeth as I tried to control my emotions.
“I love you, too, Tucker James Hargrave,” I giggled. “I can’t believe you remembered my middle name.”
“There isn’t a lot about you I have forgotten, Libby, even from the day we met.” He glanced at his watch. “I’d better get you up to the ranch. I have to get back home, so Kennedy and I can get back to our routine in the morning.”
“You aren’t staying the night?” He shook his head.
“No, I’ll have a better day if I just come back. Don’t worry, I’m still going to get you ladies home, I only have to go in to the office to sign the documents for the hearing.” I shuddered.
“Ugh. Hearing. Is it going to be as bad as it sounds, like a real trial?”
“God, no!” he laughed and pressed my fingers reassuringly. “It looks like a trial, I guess, if you’re watching the Committee ask questions, but, I’m not going to get fired, or disbarred for my responses, because I’ve done nothing wrong. Even if I had.”
“Like Mr. Jameson?”
“Well, fortunately for him, that’s not for me to decide. But even he is entitled to due process,” he reminded me.
“You really love the law, don’t you?”
“The law is what defines us as humans. It keeps people safe, helps us to protect those who can’t help themselves, and stands between persecutors and their victims when it’s applied properly. The law is the greatest achievement of mankind, aside from medicine. In my not-so-humble opinion, of course.” I laughed.
“Would you have become a doctor?”
“I’m not smart enough to feel confident in holding someone’s life in my hand quite that literally.” He let go of my hand and picked up his beer. “To the end of trials, of any kind.”
“Oh, yes. Hear! Hear!” I laughed. “I am ready for some peaceful quiet… chaos of starting a new business,” I giggled. “Because even hard good things are easier than bad things of any difficulty.” Tucker’s decision to drive me all the way back to the ranch just to turn around and head back into Austin troubled me. He was justified by picking up Kennedy, but it seemed like a lot for very little payout.
“What’s up? You look worried. Everything is going to be okay, no matter what gets decided tomorrow, and once tomorrow is done, your case can go forward. I don’t have to remind you, that you’re ending that on a particularly high note.”
“Do you think Olivia would be okay out on the ranch without me? I mean, I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with Kristy, but she offered to watch her so you and I could spend some time together. You could always spend the night with me, then go back tomorrow, after your meeting.” He shook his head.
“She’d be fine, but I need to be alone tonight, go through things in my head, make sure I’m ready to answer unexpected questions. Unfortunately for me, as appetizing as time alone with you sounds, you’re just too distracting.” He let his gaze wander down from my eyes to my mouth and then farther. My blush and abrupt throat clearing made him grin, and I glanced over his shoulder at the approaching waitress.
“Then we should get the check,” I suggested. I raised an eyebrow at him and he smirked.
“It’s almost early enough to go back to your place first,” he said, exhaling. If it had been anyone else, I’d have called it self-pity.
“It’s your ban on sex, not mine,” I countered. “Anytime you’re finished fooling with that nonsense, you let me know.” He laughed loudly enough that the people at the booth across the aisle from us glanced over. I bit off a laugh of my own, and averted my eyes. The light at the end of my tunnel got brighter, just sitting there, laughing with the man I loved. I hated that he felt he couldn’t touch me, but I had a few ideas how I was going to celebrate when he broke the ban, and I was looking forward to it.
The drive back to the ranch was uneventful and quiet. It felt like Tucker had already started looking ahead to his hearing, and I left him to his thoughts while I watched trees go by in the shadow of dusk. I already missed Olivia. I wanted to scoop her into my arms and dance with her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, and she wouldn’t see me worried anymore.
Honestly, I hated myself for wasting so much time filled with fear for our future. I had managed to graduate high school as an orphan. I had gone to college with a scholarship, and once upon a time, I had loved spending time with people who I could help. That person was peering out of me into the growing darkness, excited for tomorrow.
I wanted to share with Tucker how it felt to watch the part of me I despised the most, all the weakness and fear, receding into the shadows while the person I recognized as me pushed her way into the light. But I knew it would keep. It was enough that I saw a glimpse of her. I had butterflies in my stomach, and my fingers started to fidget. Without hesitation, without even looking over, Tucker’s hand found mine, and he threaded his long, graceful fingers through my littler ones.
There had never been a moment in my life where I felt more ready for what lay ahead. But even as I celebrated finding myself in the rubble of the woman Andrew had tried to create, a shadow crept over the edge of my thoughts. I hadn’t had true happiness in so long. What was I going to do when the other shoe dropped, and my happiness was taken from me?
I kept my thoughts to myself, and let Tucker soothe me as he gently rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand. I couldn’t tell if he’d meant to calm me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he could read me so well, he knew when there was turmoil below a calm surface. Releasing the tension from my shoulders, I inhaled deeply and sighed out my frustration with my lingering doubts.
“What’s up, good-looking?” he glanced over, then his eyes went back to the road.
“I was just thinking about how I wasn’t going to talk to you about what’s going on in my head, because you looked like you were concentrating.” He chuckled. “You got all tense, and I could see your reflection in the windshield when we passed under lights. You got pretty intense there. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
I shrugged.
“Do you remember what I was like when we met?”
“You mean back when you were the first one to get naked and dive into the pool after hours? Yes, I believe I remember that girl.”
“I want to be her again.” I didn’t say anything more, and he went quiet for so long, I wondered if I’d offended him somehow.
“You know,” he finally said, “You haven’t ever stopped being her, not completely,” I wanted to argue, but he held up a finger, and I paused to hear him out. “I saw her when Olivia was born. In your fierce protectiveness. Remember when Mrs. Peele got drunk, and she wanted to hold her?” I groaned. I remembered too well.
“I remember telling her to get out of my house until she sobered up, or she’d never see her grandchild or son ever again.” I peeked sideways at him. “As it turned out, she was only worried about half of that threat.” He made a rude noise and I smiled.
“I saw her the day you moved out of your home, while Andrew stood there, drink in hand, refusing to help, just watching to make sure you didn’t take anything he wanted.” I frowned.
“I didn’t fight that day, Tucker. I just took what he gave me and left.”
“True. You packed, moved, and not once did you cry, or fall apart, or beg him to let you stay. I believe the last thing you said before I escorted you to the car, was something like: ‘You always take what you want Andrew. What will happen to you once you find out none of it was what you needed?’ Ahh.” He sighed. “I was so proud.”
“I felt stronger when he came out and said he didn’t want a family than I had for months before, wondering what was wrong, trying to fix whatever I had done to make him even colder and more distant.” I shuddered. “Enough about that, though. Haven’t we passed the point in dating where we can talk about the ex?”
“In this situation, I think it does us both a lot of good, honestly,” he countered. “He let us both down, and I think it’s okay to admit that. Especially if neither of us wants to fall into the same patterns with the other, now.” I clutched his hand tight.
“I love you a little more than I did five minutes ago,” I admitted, looking out the passenger window so he wouldn’t see me cry. He didn’t say anything, just pressed my fingers to his lips. He let me stare into the darkness that had enveloped the car, leaving me to my thoughts until the big “Lago Colina Ranch” sign appeared in the headlights.
Olivia was bathed and ready for bed, cuddling with Kennedy and another ranch dog, while Rachel read “The Borrowers” to her. She said she was “practicing for the baby,” and asked if they could read another chapter together, to Olivia’s delight. I went upstairs to check on Kristy, and found her huddled in the corner of her bed.
“I blocked his number,” she said as I entered the room. I knew without asking who “he” was. “Did you know that only sends them to your voicemail? I have fifteen new messages, and I’m afraid to open my voicemail to delete them, because of what I’ll hear.” I sat on the edge of the bed and she reached out to me. “But how about some not-so-crazy news? Did you and Tucker make up all the way?” I shook my head.
“You knew about that?”
“Honey, he makes you glow. You haven’t been glowing since we got here. But tonight? There’s something different.” I pursed my lips.
“I’m different. Or rather, I’m who I used to be, more than I have been in a while. If that’s got a glow, then that makes me even happier.” She wriggled and leaned forward, her troubles pushed away with the ease found in the young and resilient.
“Are you a badass now? Because that was a sore point in my marriage, if you don’t mind me saying so.” I blinked.
“What?” I gasped.
“Andy said, more than once, ‘Why can’t I find a nice girl who doesn’t fight?’” She whined, approximating my ex-husband well enough that I cringed.
“Wow. I am so sorry. If we had met, I would’ve warned you.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” she scoffed, “I wouldn’t have listened. Stubborn, you know?” I laughed.
“I like to be right, too. Which made the situation I found myself in even worse.” She leaned in and hugged me.
“Would it mean I was a bad person if I told you I wasn’t really in love with him?” She asked, watching my face. “I cared about him, and I liked being with him,” she paused, “I just felt, I don’t know… rushed.” I scoffed.
“No. It wouldn’t make you a bad person. It would make you a woman who was in a relationship with a controlling person, who got bulldozed into marriage, because Andrew got weird and paranoid at the end because of his tumor, and thought he needed you to protect his money from me—or worse—Olivia.”
“Right before he died, I talked to his doctor once, by myself, and told him how things were. He said that paranoia and stuff was ‘par for the course’ with his condition.”
“I won’t lie, I wish I’d known that. It could’ve saved me a lot of hours hating him. I had to find out he was sick from a near-stranger.” I cringed. “We have to talk about other things. I felt so good about myself, and it’s like his ghost is stealing that from me.” She shuddered.
“No kidding. I say we sneak downstairs to the kitchen. Patty taught me how to make hot cocoa on this ridiculous machine she has.” I raised an eyebrow. “She also showed me where she keeps the Baileys.” I bounced off the bed.
“Lead on, sister, lead on.” I held out a hand to her and helped her off too, then followed her out to the suspended walkway. Olivia was still snuggled into Rachel’s lap, their heads close together as they read. Families were a package deal, I’d learned from having the mother-in-law from hell, and again when Aunt Kristy had come into our lives.
I had no idea where Tucker had gone, but Kristy led the way through to the back of the house and the kitchen. I waved shyly to Danny as we passed the open door of his office, and he grinned up at me and winked before getting back to his work.
In terms of package deals, I could understand why the Hargrave family did so much together, and why even the sons who’d left Texas always came home in the end. For the first time, I considered my relationship with Tucker, in terms of what it meant to the rest of our families. Olivia was already settled in, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I had anything to offer them. As Kristy handed me a steaming mug of generously spiked hot cocoa and we sat at the kitchen table like we belonged here, I hoped that, one way or another, we both really did.