Chapter Twenty-Six
Eliza – Wednesday
Why didn’t I just tell Milo that I didn’t want to leave? Why wasn’t I honest with him that I enjoyed being around him too much to go? The words were right there, on the tip of my tongue. Instead, I turned and raced out of the house, taking my last chance of saying what I needed to say with me.
The next time I saw him, things would be very different. That had been my one and only chance, and I blew it. Now I had exactly what I didn’t want: a regret about something I didn’t do. I was a massive idiot!
I paced the salon, stress coursing through my veins as I thought about all the things I should have done differently. This should’ve been a positive day, one where I could finally get my life back to normal, but I felt like hell about it. I hadn’t even been back to see my apartment yet, and I had the awful sense that I wasn’t going to like it one bit. It just wouldn’t be the same anymore.
“Hey, Eliza, are you okay?” Laynee’s voice broke through my shock barrier, causing my eyes to widen in surprise. I’d almost forgotten that I was in public. “You look weird.”
“Ugh, I think I’ve messed it all up,” I whined, tugging on the ends of my hair. “I think I’ve made a huge catalog of errors and now I feel all confused about it.”
“Milo, I take it?” she queried. “Please don’t tell me you missed the chance of one last night of fun? I might go insane if you did. You need to enjoy yourself a bit more; you spend so much time working and worrying about work. Plus, there was that whole mess with Josh...”
Josh. God, I hadn’t even thought about Josh in what felt like forever. It was still only a few weeks ago that he’d acted like a shit on New Year’s Eve, but now it felt like forever. I could barely even recall the hurt anymore. Even if he walked in the salon right now, I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t feel anything, not even anger at his crappiness. He was nothing, just a bit part in the story of my life.
“Oh, no, I did it.” Despite myself, I smiled a little bit. “We had a wonderful night of fun.”
“Ooh, how was it? You know I need all the gory details.” She was like a child, but that side of her made everything seem a lot less serious.
“No details.” I shook my head determinedly. “But I can tell you it was the best night of my whole life. He’s just incredible,” I groaned and threw my head into my hands. “I like him, Laynee, you have no idea.”
“Does he know how you feel?” she ventured cautiously. “Have you actually told him?”
“No, but I think he knows. He’s just ignoring it because he lives so far away, or whatever. There’s no hope for us, but I can’t help wanting him anyway.”
She pulled me in for a hug and rubbed my back, knowing there wasn’t anything she could say. The situation was totally hopeless. I just needed to find a way to get over it. I guessed I’d been through worse, so it was definitely possible that I could do it.
“I’m sorry, sweetie,” she finally said sadly. “I know it sucks. I felt way more messed up over Marc than I should have. Sometimes you just can’t help how you feel.”
I felt bad. I’d been so wrapped up in how I was doing with things that I hadn’t thought about Laynee. I’d almost forgotten that she was screwed over by that asshole. “Maybe we need a man ban for a while.” I smiled weakly. “Just forget all about them and focus on other stuff instead.”
“Yeah.” She nodded slowly, seemingly coming around to the idea. “We can focus on the salon, instead. I know that we can’t afford it at the moment, but we should start laying out the plans for my party idea, if you still want to do it. If we get everything set out in stone, then when the time comes around, we’ll be ready. Maybe we could even get an investor to get us started.”
For a brief, glorious moment, I considered going to Milo for an investment before that idea shattered around me. I couldn’t stand the shame of having to go to him for help; it would feel far too desperate for my liking.
“Yeah, I like that. Gives us something else to focus on.”
“Well, we haven’t got anyone booked until a little later. Let’s start now – no time like the present!”
We both seemed to feel a little more upbeat as we sat down to plan. This was what I needed: something else to focus my attention on, a distraction from my pointless feelings. This was the sort of thing I had to do to get over Milo completely.
I could do that; it wasn’t impossible.
***
I wandered around the supermarket in something of a haze, picking up far too much food for only one person. I had become so used to buying for both me and Milo that it was hard to get used to doing it for only me again. I even picked up a bottle of wine that I would never drink if I was by myself.
It had only been a few weeks that I was staying at the cabin with Milo, but already my habits had completely changed. How was I going to get used to things as they once were? It was going to be strange. It already felt a little too quiet, and I hadn’t even gone back yet.
“Eliza?” Oh, God. The second I heard that familiar voice, my heart dipped into my chest. It was someone I didn’t care about anymore, someone I never wanted to speak to again, especially not today when I was already feeling so vulnerable, but it seemed like I wasn’t going to get a choice.
I forced a bright fake smile on my face and I turned to see him. “Josh, how are you?” As my eyes did a quick scan of his body, I had to resist the urge to shudder. How had I ever liked this guy enough to even casually date him? He was so weedy, such a boy. He wasn’t a single thing like Milo, a genuine, proper man.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” He ruffled his hair, looking incredibly uncomfortable. “Look, I just wanted to say sorry for being shitty with you. I’ve recently had my heart broken myself, and it’s made me realize that the way I treated you was wrong.”
What? This whole conversation was so bizarre, it was almost laughable. Thinking about Josh getting his heart trampled on was weird enough, but the fact that he assumed he hurt me was something else. Although his shitty behavior hadn’t gone totally unnoticed by me, so maybe this apology was a good thing...
I tried my best to keep a straight face. “It’s fine.” And then I found myself unable to resist. “Felicia, was it? I saw you guys kissing on New Year’s Eve.”
“Oh.” His face went bright red, making him look even younger. “Oh, yeah, well it was her. I guess I liked her too much and she... Well, she didn’t feel the same way.”
“Right,” I replied stiffly. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you... feel better soon.” Am I living in some sort of strange dream? This is just so odd! It only got worse as he stood there staring at me for a few moments in total silence. “So, I suppose I better go...”
“Do you want to go out for a drink?” The words tumbled out of his mouth as if he wasn’t quite expecting to say them.
“What do you mean?” My heart started to pound. This was like a revenge fantasy coming true: my ex wanting me back so that I could throw it in his face – but now that it was actually happening, I didn’t care about it anymore. “Like, as a date?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged uncomfortably. “I guess I just miss hanging out with you.”
“No, you don’t,” I assured him. “We weren’t great together at all; we wouldn’t have drifted apart otherwise. It isn’t me you miss.”
I hated to be so blunt, but at least I wasn’t harsh to him. He had a broken heart that he needed to nurse. Falling back into bed with someone familiar wasn’t the answer to that. It was just an easy way to feel good for a moment, but that emotion wouldn’t last.
“I have to go, but maybe I’ll see you soon.”
I raced to the checkout, refusing to look back. I didn’t want to end up feeling so sorry for Josh that I agreed to go for a drink. I didn’t think he meant to hurt me, I got the impression he’d just been thoughtless, but that didn’t mean we were about to become friends. My life was complicated enough, thank you very much.
I paid and packed up the car with my mind still all over the place. Everything was so backward, so confusing, and I didn’t know what to think anymore. I ended up so distracted by it all that I didn’t come back to the present moment until I was almost back at the cabin.
“Fuck,” I muttered angrily at myself, humiliation burning through me. That could have been very embarrassing if I’d gone back there by mistake. It would have looked like I couldn’t keep away.
As I swung the car around, I tried to be more mindful about what I was doing. I needed to head back home now – to my home. And that was where I had to go every day for at least the next month. I didn’t want to make any kind of mistake that made me look like a crazy person. I didn’t want Milo going home with that impression of me.
Eventually, I arrived back at my apartment, much later than I should have, and I unlocked the door with an odd sense of impending doom in my heart. The last time I was here, the whole place had been wet. It had taken long enough, so it should have been done, but I still didn’t quite trust my landlord enough to be sure.
I sniffed the air before I stepped inside, pleased at the nice, clean smell. That had to be a good sign. As I walked through the hallway, I was glad to see everything back to the way it was, some of it even better than before. This was great, something to be happy about, but of course, I wasn’t. Not when I could have been with Milo.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that my pipes were fixed; maybe I should have pretended that I still needed to remain with him until he went home. That would have been sneaky and totally wrong, but at least I wouldn’t have felt so damn lonely.
Maybe I could create some other kind of emergency, if I got desperate. It was sad that I was even thinking that way, but I just felt so hollow and sad without him. Everything was so damn quiet.