Chapter Eleven
Matthew
Tuesday
My hand flopped across the bed, expecting to find the warm body of Ashlee lying next to me. The night had been crazy in the heat of the moment, but I had the undeniable sensation that it was about to lead to something great. At least that tough barrier had fallen; at least she’d thawed a little.
It was great to go back to being us once more, the old me and Ashlee before things turned shitty, and it made me feel whole all over again. It made me realize I’d been lost for a very long time.
But she wasn't there.
I patted the space where I knew she’d been, noticing it was cold. My body bolted upright, my heart racing with a pure, icy terror. If the sheets weren’t still warm, it meant she’d left a while before and chances were she wasn't still in my home.
“Fucking hell,” I muttered angrily to myself, feeling that familiar sensation of abandonment coursing through my veins. Why did it always end up this way when we ended up having sex? I mean, sure, I knew it wasn't exactly her fault last time, but I couldn't stop that odd sense of resentment from being there regardless.
The phone call. I couldn't help remembering it and the giant hole it tore into our lives.
We’d just had the best time ever; I’d felt like me and Ashlee were going to be together forever. We already had plans to attend the same college, to make things work, and I naively thought we had what it took. That was until her phone rang with that horrible, devastating news, and everything fell apart.
To me, Ashlee’s dad was the coolest guy on the planet. Not only was he much younger than mine, meaning that he knew about what was going on with my world – he understood the music I liked and the TV shows I watched – he also wanted to spend time with me. He often took me out on his fishing boat, went to football games with me, and on the odd occasion, he took me out on his motorcycle. That was amazing: driving along, feeling the wind race past me, my heart pounding at a million miles an hour. Little did I know that was going to be the thing that killed him.
I didn’t find out the details until much later, but from what I understood, he popped out to the grocery store on a simple errand to pick up some milk because they’d run out. Something to innocuous, so every day, it didn’t feel fair. The roads were wet, there were leaves everywhere, and at some point, he must have skidded into a tree.
As Ashlee pulled on her clothes and tore from the room, she didn’t even look at me. She didn’t even let me in a little bit. I knew she was hurting – that man was her everything – but she’d completely shut me out. She didn’t even say goodbye; she didn’t even acknowledge me... She just left.
I’d slumped on the bed alone, throwing my head into my hands, succumbing to the grief. That man had been the most prominent male figure in my life, and he was just gone. I couldn't understand it, I didn’t know how to wrap my head around it, so I simply fell apart. I crumbled where I was and sobbed until I felt sick, until I thought I might die myself.
I had tried to piece myself back together a little bit, knowing I needed to be strong for Ashlee. I forced my own grief down, burying it deep inside of me while I was a pillar of strength for her, but all she did was push me away. Every time I offered her my support, she ignored me; every time I tried to do things for her, she yelled at me; and every time I tried to tell her that I was in pain, too, she treated me like I meant nothing to her.
Now with hindsight, I could see that she just didn’t know how to feel, but at the time, I felt put out. How could she not understand what I was going through myself?
I knew about Harry’s graduation party; we all did. He’d been bragging about it for months, about how his parents were out of town and leaving the mansion to him, but I’d never considered going. I wasn't friends with that crowd anyway, so why the hell would I? But with Ashlee forcing me far, far away from her, I couldn't see the harm. I needed to blow off some steam, to get drunk and forget about everything, so in the end I made the rash, snap decision to just go.
I had a shit time, fucking awful, surrounded by pretentious, douchey people that I didn’t give two shits about. The only good thing to come of it was the fact that I ended up getting just about as drunk as I needed to, but somehow it didn’t make me feel any better at all. If anything, I felt a million times worse.
I staggered home, feeling sick and dejected, just to get a massive lecture from my mother. Ashlee had come around to see me, looking like she actually needed me for the first time since all of this had happened, and I was nowhere to be found. I instantly tried to call her and message her, but I got nothing back. She’d clearly shut back down again.
I probably shouldn’t have gone to see her right then, when I was drunk and stupid, but of course, I was young and stupid, and I really didn’t know any better.
“Fuck,” I practically yelled, before forcing myself to get out of bed and to get moving. I couldn't simply lie there, wallowing in my pain, not when I had to get to work. I had another distraction this time, one that was a little healthier, so I needed to get my mind zoned in on that, instead.
*****
As soon as I stepped into the office, Terri bounded over to me like an excitably puppy, instantly sending a cringe bursting right through me. I couldn’t tolerate her, not after I’d just slept with someone who I actually cared about in more than a friendship way, someone who had actually blown me off.
It was ironic that the only person I was willing to break my no sleep overrule for was the one who vanished in the middle of the night. Maybe this was my karma; maybe this was what I deserved for brushing off so many people in the past. I tried to work out how many people I might have inadvertently hurt in my mission to fill the hole that Ashlee had left behind, and for a second, my heart hurt a little.
“How are you today?” Terri grinned seductively at me, sending me a wink. “It feels like forever since I’ve seen you.”
Normally that statement would have had me rock hard, and I would have instantly been planning our next visit to the janitor’s closet, but today, it did nothing to me.
Everything about Terri that once had me more turned on than I ever felt possible, now did absolutely nothing for me. I sighed quietly to myself, knowing things between us were done. Even if things had gone to shit between me and Ashlee, I couldn't go back anymore. I probably should have cut things off with Terri a long time ago, anyway.
“I’m fine,” I replied quietly. “I just...need a coffee.”
I tried to push past her to walk into the canteen by myself, but unfortunately, she followed me there. “Are you okay?” she insisted, not letting me go. “You seem a little...off?”
“Yes, I’m just tired. And hungover. And busy.”
I felt bad as I closed the door behind me, effectively shutting her out. I didn’t want to be the kind of dirt bag who shut someone out just because I’d moved on, but at the same time, I was starting to fear what Willy had said to me was true. If Terri had spent this whole time slowly developing feelings for me, despite my insistence not to, then it was going to take me a long time to get things back to normal with her. Would we be able to continue working together when I made her see that we were nothing? Or would she end up causing trouble for me?
I never should have dipped my pen in the company ink. I should have known that was going to be a mistake right away. Now, I was going to have to deal with the consequences of that.
*****
I couldn't face going back home as soon as my shift was over, so I headed over to Willy’s boat, instead. I needed his advice on my current situation, and even though I was going to have to tell him some stuff he didn’t yet know, I knew it was the only way I could get the insight from an outsider I so desperately needed.
“So, you and Ashlee, huh?” he nudged me, grinning like a fool almost the second I stepped up onto his boat. “I don't think any of us were expecting that one.”
“Least of all me,” I admitted, unsure if I wanted to get right into it. “So, what happened with you and Kerri?” Maybe if I heard his story first, it would loosen me up a little, but it seemed like I wasn't about to get lucky with that one.
“No, I asked first, come on. The last thing I heard about you two was some crazy, stupid, teenage argument where you broke up over something silly... Is that all in the past now? Are we going for Ashlee and Matthew 2.0?”
“Not exactly.” I sat down, and he copied me, leaning in to listen closer. “I thought we might be able to restart things, it certainly seemed like we were heading in that direction, but in the morning, she was just...gone.”
I stared at my feet, feeling like a fucking idiot for having to say this aloud. I was supposed to be a playboy, a screw around who didn’t care. This was utterly humiliating to have to talk about. “So, I guess the past isn’t behind us, after all.”
“That seems a little crazy to me,” Willy sighed. “Over some decade-old argument?”
“Well, there’s a little more to it than that.” My heart thundered as I opened yet another wound. “I think the final nail for the both of us was the fact that I didn’t go to her father’s funeral.”
“You didn’t?” he all but yelled. “But you were closer to him than you were your own dad! You didn’t even go to support her? You didn’t push all your bullshit aside?”
“Don't you think I know that?” I yelled in retaliation. “It’s haunted me for years, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like after we’d broken up, she wouldn’t want to see me and that I’d make things worse. I didn’t feel like I deserved to go.”
“Wow, dude,” Willy stared at me with confusion in his eyes, as if seeing a new side of me, one that he didn’t quite like. “I don't know what to say about that. No wonder she’s mad! What the hell are you going to do now?”
I shrugged my shoulders sadly, feeling that never-ending question flow right through me. What could I do now? Was there any hope, or had last night proven that we could never get things back, no matter how hard we tried?