Chapter Twenty-Three
Matthew
Monday
I kept my head focused down on my desk, trying to ignore the way my heart had been pounding heavily for a while now. In fact, it hadn’t stopped thumping ever since I’d come forward to claim the money. Half of me felt like I’d done a good thing, especially since I’d managed to pay for Peggy and Ashlee’s roof, but another half of me was expecting the worst. I knew for a fact it was coming my way, and the tension was terrible.
Knock, knock.
I heard someone tentatively tapping on my door, and my heart fluttered wildly, knowing that there was only one person it could be. Ashlee was bound to already know about the money, everyone else seemed to, and I didn’t want to know how she was going to act around me now. If she was going to be different with me, it would make me see her in a brand-new way, too, and maybe not a way that I liked.
“Come in,” I replied quietly, feeling myself cringe at what it would be like seeing her. Our last meeting hadn’t exactly been productive, and I couldn't help but fear that this was going to go the same way.
Ashlee slid through the door, looking heartbreakingly beautiful. It hurt my heart a little to see how gorgeous she was; it made everything that much harder. On Friday, I had spent most of my time locked away in my office, and I scooted out early so that I didn’t have to speak to anyone. Then, I locked myself away all weekend, not wanting to face a single, damn soul. I knew it wouldn’t be able to last forever, but I wasn't prepared for my first human contact to be with someone who made my heart melt so quickly.
“Is Terri gone then?” she asked in confusion. “I mean, I know she wasn't here on Friday, but I didn’t get a chance to ask you then. And now Ms. Peters is here? Is she the new nurse now?”
I sighed deeply, not wanting to have to explain that story. “Terri is gone,” I confirmed. “There was an incident, and she’s gone now.” I knew I was being too formal, almost idiotically so, but I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to act. I felt like I should be a different person, but I wasn't quite sure who.
“Oh, right, okay,” she nodded, taking the chair in front of me. “I wondered if you fired her because she lied to me about you having a baby with Kerri.”
What?! My heart leapt up at that. Was she saying what I thought she was? Was she telling me that she somehow knew the truth? I wondered how much of the truth that she actually knew. I still hadn’t talked to Willy about the full truth yet, but at the same time, I’d been very busy.
I stared into her eyes for a second, trying to see what she was saying, and she sent me her heart-stopping smile as a reply.
“I know, Kerri told me the truth. I guess I owe you a massive apology. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions without speaking to you first. That was stupid of me.”
“Oh... Right, okay...” I stammered back, not expecting that. I didn’t know how to deal with such a normal statement. It seemed so strange that she was talking about something so simple, when something so life changing had occurred. Why wasn't she mentioning that? Why was she totally blowing past it? “Yeah, that’s okay.”
“Look, I know that I’ve been a total fool,” she nodded sadly. “And, I would love to start again, if that’s okay?” I didn’t answer her; I continued to look at her blankly, wondering where she was going with this. “Kerri and I are headed to the bar later; it would be nice to have a drink...”
“Erm, yeah, I will see what I can do. I... I have a lot going on here, so I’ll try to get away.” Now that she was offering me everything I’d been wanting for a very long time, I suddenly found myself stepping backwards. I just wasn't sure what her motivations were, and that had me fucking terrified.
“Okay,” she stepped backwards out of the room, shooting me one last, sad glance before she left. “I’ll see you later.”
I slumped back in my seat after she had left me alone once more, the only way that I now felt comfortable. There was just so much distrust swirling around in my veins, and I wasn't sure if I was simply projecting that onto Ashlee, or if I was right to be careful. When I didn’t have money, she was quick to dismiss me, she was quick to believe someone else over me. Now that I was rich, she wanted to hang out with me again? She suddenly saw that I was in the right?
I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to think. Of course, I didn’t give her the chance to speak to me on Friday; maybe I would have gotten a bigger picture then. Now, all I was left with was self-doubt and crazy negativity. I was starting to think that maybe pulling back was a good idea. Maybe I needed to give everyone some space to figure out what the hell was going on in all our minds?
Urgh, I wasn't sure what I was going to do, and that was frustrating. I just had to get through this day first.
*****
I felt exhausted as I made my home from work later that day. That had been the most emotionally-shattering day of my entire existence, and I was about ready to fall into bed, but the choice was still there.
Did I take the opportunity that Ashlee was presenting to me with both hands and go to bar with an open heart? Or did I cut her off completely and keep to myself in the way that I now felt comfortable?
A few stories had already been circulating about me, online and in the press, and it was making me incredibly closed off. I hated to read about what other people thought about me – it made me look shitty, and the fact that I deserved that was even more difficult. My life was only about to get a whole lot harder, so did I want to complicate things further with Ashlee?
But then again, would I totally regret it if I didn’t?
I was still undecided as I got through the door, and it was that alone that made me want to get dressed to go. I had already taken one huge step into the unknown by accepting the lottery money, and with all the bad that had come with that, I’d also experienced a whole lot of good. Maybe this would go the same way? I had to hope as much!
I pulled out my nicest pair of jeans and t-shirt, trying to force a smile on my face at the same time. I didn’t feel happy, but I really did want to. It shouldn’t have been something to make me sad, winning a billion dollars. I must have been the only person on the whole damn planet to not feel ecstatic about winning that kind of cash, but I just couldn't help myself.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror for a few moments, unable to pull that big, heavy weight from shoulders. When I thought back to a few weeks ago, when things were just simple and easy, it hurt that I was so much damn happier then. Had I made a mistake by taking the money? Was I going to spend the rest of my life regretting that decision?
My eyes drifted over to the picture hanging up over my mantelpiece, drinking it in. Luckily, when Ashlee came here on that night, she was too drunk to notice it because it might have freaked her out a lot, but it would never come down, no matter what.
It was an image of me and Ashlee’s dad, when I was about fifteen, sitting on the fishing boat. He taught me to fish; he used to take me out on the water every single time I felt down, and that made it a happy memory for me. That day was particularly important to me because it was the first time he openly addressed my relationship with Ashlee. We’d been trying to keep things a secret up until that point, just between me and her. We were already friends, so it was easy for us to continue hanging out, but the romantic stuff we kept just between us.
It seemed like we hadn’t done a very good job with it, though, because he definitely knew.
He told me I was the only guy in the whole damn world that he would trust with his daughter, and he didn’t think anyone else would be able to care for her and handle her in the way that I could. I took that to heart; I felt touched that he would go out of his way to say that, and I promised him I would take care of her forever.
I just wished I’d stuck to that promise. I should have taken that more seriously than anything else. When she was grieving, I should have just been there for her no matter what. I shouldn’t have gotten lost in my own feelings, and gone out to get drunk. If I hadn’t gone to that fucking party all those years ago, how different would things have been? Would we have been together all that time? Would we be married by now? Would we have kids of our own?
Then again, was it a sign that something so small had torn us apart? Sure, we were young, but if we were meant to be, then we would have found a way around it? I would have gone to the funeral, anyway; Ashlee wouldn’t have run away.
Maybe we kept falling apart because we couldn't make it work.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered at the picture, wishing I could talk to the real man behind the image. “I’m sorry that I failed you, I just... I don't know what to do.”
I tried to picture his reply, tried to imagine what advice he would give me, but I was coming up with nothing, so I simply turned my back and walked over to the couch. My ass slipped slowly down, hitting the comfy cushions.
I was accepting defeat by sitting down, admitting that I couldn't make things work with Ashlee, I was giving up on her completely, shutting the door on that story forever more. I could try once more if I went to the bar, but we could also end up getting hurt again.
One of us needed to break the vicious cycle we were in, and if it had to me, then so be it. It didn’t feel good to do; in fact, it felt shitty, but I was learning. I couldn't have a repeat of what had happened with Terri, not with Ashlee. I couldn't hurt her like that.
I had the money now. I’d made that decision, so now every choice I was going to make from then on was going to have to be smart. I needed to protect myself.