Chapter 12
Another day, someone new to entertain, Avery thought as she watched Blake make dinner in her kitchen. She put a relaxed smile on her face and wished someone would text him with something urgent that he’d have to leave to take care of. Not that she hated his company, but she didn’t like being hovered over. And it seemed that lately, everyone was hovering.
He walked over to where she sat at the kitchen table, a steaming plate in each hand, a dish towel draped over his arm like some waiter at a restaurant. “What do you think?”
The steaming pork chop sat front and center, surrounded by a colorful array of vegetables. She tried to act like she was hungry. “Looks great, Blake.”
He slid into the chair across from her, setting the towel on the edge of the table, his eyes narrowing as he watched her. “Okay, I know I can cook better than Josh, and you always ate his food, except for when he cooked fish.”
Avery picked up her fork and stabbed at a green bean, watching it slide back off the silverware. “Sorry, I guess I’m not all that hungry.”
He reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Morning sickness?” he asked sympathetically.
“No, just…food doesn’t interest me.”
“Aren’t pregnant women supposed to be hungry?”
She almost laughed at his comment. “I’ll eat in a while.” She saw his skepticism and raised her left hand. “I swear I will.”
“Want to talk?”
“What are you guys doing, gossiping about me?”
“No, we’re watching out for you. The way Josh would want us to. Now talk.”
“About me?”
“About anything your heart desires, but yes, you. Come on, talk, laugh, cry…please?”
Cry? She felt like she’d done more than enough of that to last a lifetime. She didn’t know what to say. She was overwhelmed with everything. And it seemed every time she thought about making a decision, she second guessed it until she couldn’t think straight anymore.
She pushed the plate away and set her hands in front of her on the table. “All right, how are you?”
“Avery, this is about you.”
“Just answer the question.”
She saw the tiny lines around his eyes that had gotten a lot more noticeable lately. The dark circles underneath showed he wasn’t sleeping well either. She doubted any of them had slept a full night since their lives were changed. “Fine. I’m still in shock he’s gone. He was my little brother. I don’t know what to do without him.”
“I know, that’s how I feel. I need him so much right now, and he’s not here anymore.”
“Honey, you have all of us. You’re family.”
“But no one can replace him.” She hated how soft her voice had gone over the words. Like all her vulnerability she’d been trying to hide had come out. She was so tired of crying, of feeling nothing but loss.
“No one will or wants to, but if you need anything, day or night, we’ll come running.”
She got up and poured a glass of juice from the container on the counter. She needed to distance herself from the conversation if only for a moment. She heard the sound of Blake cutting his pork chop behind her. At least one of us can eat, she thought as she looked out the window and took a sip of the orange juice. “I never knew our bed could be so scary and lonely. It never felt like that when he was away on business.” She set the glass down and turned back to him. “It felt safe.”
Blake bowed his head, and she knew he was fighting back tears. “Because you could lie there and know in a few days he’d be back with you.”
“Yeah.” She tugged a frustrated hand through her hair. “Damn it, I don’t want to live without him. How do I raise our son? When he asks about his daddy…” She opened her mouth to keep talking, but all that came out was a strangled sob. Her hand shook, and she slid to the floor, hugging her knees to her as she reached the bottom. “How do I…what do I do?”
What was she supposed to do? Her whole future had been ripped away. Was she supposed to forget what they had planned? What she lost? What they lost? Didn’t anyone really understand? She wasn’t mourning for only her, but for the child she was carrying that would never know Josh, and Josh would never know their baby. She had enough pain for the three of them coursing through her veins twenty-four/seven.
He crouched down beside her and pulled her shaking body into his arms. “You send him to his two uncles so we can tell him all our crazy stories. We can tell him just how goofy his daddy was and how much worse he got when he met you. I can pull out all our old home movies and show him that the only things he loved anywhere close to you were his art, sports and videogames.”
In spite of herself, she laughed. “That’s a lot, huh?”
“Oh, yeah.” He pressed a kiss to her hair. “You’re going to be fine, Avery. We just gotta take every day slowly.”
She blew out a deep breath. “Yeah.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Your food’s getting cold.”
He grinned. “That’s okay. I like it reheated.”
“Seriously…”
“You’re more important. Besides, I’m kind of thinking I overcooked the pork chops.” He sat down on the floor beside her. “Maybe I should just call for a pizza, what do you think?”
“I think that sounds like a plan.”
***
She read the note on the post-it stuck to the DVD sleeve.
Forgot I had this. Think you should see it. Watch whenever you have time — Alec
The simple metallic DVD lay on top of the coffee table, and she wondered what he thought she needed to watch. She wasn’t quite sure she was ready to see anything with Josh on it. A smiling Josh. A happy Josh. And most of all, a living Josh. Just to hear his voice at times on her voicemails, as comforting as it was to feel like he was talking to her once again was almost more than she could bear at times. To see him again, larger than life on the screen might just be too overwhelming.
She weighed the disc in her hand, rereading her friend’s words. Maybe it was a sign that Josh was reaching out to her, that he thought she needed this somehow. She went to the DVD player and hesitated for a moment before she loaded the disc then went back to the couch, dropping the sleeve on the coffee table.
She didn’t think she could handle it right now.
Too much emotion. Too many pregnancy hormones running wild at the moment. But it was there, ready to go whenever she was ready, lonely enough to see it.
She tried to forget about the disc. She checked her voicemails, returned calls to friends and her parents that she hadn’t done in days. She did laundry. She opened the windows to let the fresh air in but the whole time, in the back of her mind that DVD lingered. What could be so important that Alec had stopped by at some point to leave it for her to watch?
She set the last load of laundry in the wash machine. She didn’t want to overwork herself. She didn’t have anything else to do. She could go try and take a nap, but she knew her mind would go right back to that disc.
She sighed to herself and grabbed a chilled water before she went to the living room. She sank onto the couch, the remote in her hand. She took a deep breath and slowly braced herself as she turned the television on and hit play then put the remote down.
She didn’t know how long had passed, how many different scenes had played. Snapshots of her life with Josh. Birthdays. Christmas. His parents thirtieth anniversary party two years before.
The scene on the screen froze and Avery blinked, the sudden freezing breaking her concentration on the screen. She blinked again, this time the fogginess of her vision faded, bringing everything back into crystal clear focus. For the first time she spotted Taylor standing a few feet away, the remote control in her hand. “Tay…”
“How can you do this to yourself?”
“What do you mean?” Avery didn’t get what her best friend meant.
Taylor motioned to the screen. “Torment yourself. He’s everywhere in here, Aves, this whole place is frozen in time for that morning, and you are too. The only way you aren’t is the pregnancy. If it wasn’t for that…” Taylor trailed off.
“Is that what you all think?”
Taylor looked sheepish as she glanced back at the screen before speaking. “Possibly. No one’s expecting you to bounce back or go out all the time, but you do have a life—and a life growing inside of you—and that little boy deserves for you to be happy.”
The telltale heat of her tears started and Avery hastily reached up, wiping them away. “My happiness isn’t going to be the same.”
“I’m saying all of this wrong.” Taylor sighed and shook her head as she glanced back at the large screen. Her finger hovered over the pause button and Avery willed her to hit it so the sound of Josh’s voice would fill the room again and take away the sound of this conversation. Maybe then her throat would open back up again and the fear that her best friend was right would abate.
“Taylor…”
She moved over and sat on the edge of the coffee table, setting the control down beside her. “You’re in a holding pattern, Aves. Just promise me this isn’t the beginning of a really bad pattern. That in one year, two years from now we won’t be having this same conversation, the only difference being a little boy playing in the doorway, because he deserves more than that and so do you, so much more. Josh wouldn’t want this for you.” Taylor gave her a weak smile, wiping away her own tears.
Avery cringed, every muscle tightened in unanimous impulse. No, this wasn’t what he would have wanted. He would have wanted to be right there with her. That’s all he’d have wanted. It was all she’d wanted. Her gaze drifted. Josh was frozen in time over Taylor’s shoulder, larger than life. Those eyes seemed to look right at her. She recognized the look on his face, the grin that was playing on lips. He was moments away from laughing at something Alec had said behind the camera. How she wished she could actually freeze time like that, keep him there like that for a lifetime. Happy, healthy and alive. So close she felt like she could reach out and touch him, except he wasn’t there.
“Aves…”
She leaned forward and hit mute before unpausing the picture. Josh unfroze, coming back to life on the screen. She couldn’t help the small smile as she saw him laugh. “Alec brought this by with a note. He hoped it wouldn’t upset me, but he thought I should have it. And I was fine watching it…until I see him talking about the baby…and our future.”
Taylor moved to sit beside her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said. It’s just that I worry about you so much.”
Avery nodded. “I know, everyone worries.” Her mouth was suddenly dry and she picked up her bottled water from the table then took a small sip. “But I’m coping the best I know how. I just need a little time, that’s all.” She closed her eyes and prayed she was right.
***
Gabriel couldn’t get over the feeling that something was amiss. He headed down the long familiar hallway, hoping the panel would have time to talk to him. He didn’t normally interfere. He believed in the panel’s process and that what they did was always for the best. It had always seemed that way until Josh arrived.
There was something wrong. He didn’t know what and he didn’t quite know how, but there was a turbulence around that worried him.
Finding himself in front of the panel’s door, he raised his hand and knocked.
“Enter.”
He stepped inside and nodded to the panel as he stood in front of them. They appeared surprised to see him. Although probably nowhere near as surprised as he was to be there himself. Yet whatever was going on, the feeling in his gut was telling him he should at least try. “I’m here to make a request.”
The woman lifted her gaze from the papers in front of her. “What sort of request, Gabriel?” Her voice became concerned. “Do you need a leave of absence?”
He quickly shook his head. “No, nothing like that. I rather like working with young Josh. It’s just…” He paused, resting his hands behind his back, his stance confident. “I believe that perhaps your decision where he’s concerned wasn’t quite the right one.”
There was a moment of silence. Gabriel stood still as they all stared at him blankly, not showing a trace of emotion. Finally the woman pushed her papers away slightly, the rustling of the papers the only sound in the room. “You dare to question the panel?” Her voice was flat.
“On this matter? Yes. Have you gone down to see the turmoil his death caused, especially with his girlfriend, Avery? He worries about the child, and I think he may have reason.”
Not that he’d confide that to his friend quite yet. He wanted to do what he could on Josh’s behalf without him knowing. But still he’d seen things, felt strange things in the energies that shouldn’t be there. He’d even tried to make contact with Avery's guardian who was surprisingly shielded away from him. He’d glimpsed her once, just once, in a brief flash the day of the funeral, and then she was gone.
“Gabriel, you know that if something were happening, we would be informed at once by her caretakers, and, in turn, we would inform you.”
A rush of frustration hit him. That was a by the book answer, and his gut was telling him that this case was not a by the book case. “I know. It’s just…would you go down and observe for a short while? Maybe you’ll understand what I mean.”
If they did, even for five minutes, he was sure they could pick up something in the air.
“We’ll take that under advisement.”
With that statement, Gabriel knew he was being dismissed.