Chapter 28
Alec handed her the bottle of chilled water as they sat outside on his deck. He was thrilled to have been able to talk her out of that mausoleum she called a house. He slid his sunglasses off to study her more clearly. The circles around her eyes that had seemed to have faded were coming back. “Munchkin keeping you up?”
She set the bottle beside her on the oversized chair before running a hand over the baby, a small smile playing on her lips before she looked up at him. “Off and on. When I do sleep lately it just…well, sleep doesn’t do much for me anymore.”
“You know you need your rest.”
She shifted at his admonishment. He hadn’t meant for it to come out that way, more a suggestion, meant with love.
“I know that. It’s just…well, you know I’ve had nightmares lately about Josh.” She took a moment to open her water and take a small sip. She kept one hand protectively over the baby, her other firmly around the water bottle. “I’m afraid of life without him, with just me and Austin.”
He moved his chair closer and pulled her in his arms, not sure what else to do but let her know someone was there for her. “I know you are, but you’re so strong. You’ve gotten through all of this so far, and besides, you have this little one right here who wants his mommy.”
“Yeah, I know,” she admitted, but to him her voice sounded deflated and flat.
He smoothed her hair back. “What is it?”
“I think I need to let him go.” She pulled back and looked at him with tear filled eyes for a moment before tearing her gaze away, staring off across the backyard as if it pained her too much to admit it. “How do I do that, Alec? He was supposed to…” She chewed her bottom lip, unable to go on.
“Sweetheart, I can understand why you’d say that.” He kissed the top of her head, fighting back his tears. He knew he needed to be strong for her. To be someone she could lean on. “But you know part of this is because your hormones are all out of whack right now.”
“It’s not fair, Alec. He had so much to live for. Why him? Why us? Why couldn’t he have seen our baby?” She started to shake, and he pulled her back against him, trying to take her pain away. She buried her face in his shoulder, her warm tears seeping through his shirt.
“Shhh, sweetheart, come on now.” He rubbed her back soothingly. “Why do you have to let him go right now?”
She sniffled and lifted her head. He frowned at the sudden puffiness of her eyes. “Look at me. I lose it just talking about him. How can I be any sort of mother? I haven’t moved a single thing of his since he left.”
She didn’t mention that she’d tried. If she said how it had been like something had been holding everything of his in place, she was certain Alec would think she’d lost her mind. There were times when she wondered that herself. How much could a person take?
“It’s natural.” He wiped her tears away. “But I don’t think you need to rush through things. You need to do them in your own time, whenever that is. Five days from now or three years from now. You’ll know in your heart when it’s right, and then it will be.”
She nodded, keeping her head down so he couldn’t see how much she was crying. She had the urge to run away, run from absolutely all that was going on, but she couldn’t. That was impossible in her condition, and she couldn’t see leaving her life behind anyway. She just…she just needed to find a way to get through this without her heart aching every single moment.
Alec squeezed her hands. “Look, sweetheart, it’ll be all right. I promise you, okay?”
She forced a smile as she nodded. If only things were that easy. But she’d learned to believe that promises, no matter how well intentioned, weren’t guaranteed. Josh had promised her the world.
***
Blake helped Avery into the car and shut the door after her. He glanced at her through the glass. She’d been unnaturally quiet since he’d arrived half an hour before. It worried him deep in his gut. There was a feeling that he couldn’t explain, but whatever it was, he didn’t like it at all. Something just didn’t feel right, but the more he tried to pinpoint it, the more elusive it became. It was just a vague sense of unease, that something, somewhere wasn’t right. Maybe he’d feel better when he got Avery home. She was closing in on her due date. That was probably it. Everyone was growing on edge about it, the surprise factor of not knowing when it would happen or who she would be with. They all agreed on one thing though, they didn’t want her alone when it did.
He turned to see Alec standing a few feet away, his concern mirrored on his face. He too was looking at her inside the car. “Thanks for calling me.”
“Hey, no problem. She’s really in no condition to drive. I’ll take her car back over to her place in a while, and you can drive me back here later, okay?”
“Course.” Blake pulled out his car keys. “She wants to go to Josh first, so I’ll take her by…” He paused, staring at a point on the garage door. Would it ever be real enough for him to say cemetery? That from now on going to see Josh wouldn’t involve a house or a basketball court or a restaurant somewhere, just a place on a hill with a bench and a couple of small trees that someday would give a whole lot of shade over those who went to visit. He cleared his throat, trying to stop the wall of emotion from hitting him as he gave his head a shake. “I’ll take her to visit him.”
“Just watch her. She’s pretty out of it today.”
Blake nodded his agreement. “We won’t stay there long. I still can’t be there for that much time anyway. I see his name, and, well, you know.”
Alec nodded, kicking at a stone on the driveway. “I still can’t believe he’s gone.”
“Doesn’t seem right,” Blake said. His little brother should be there with Avery, getting excited and anxious about the birth of his son only a few short weeks away. He turned back to the car and saw Avery fiddling with the radio. “I’ll call you once we’re on the way home. I don’t want her there too long.”
Alec nodded his agreement. “Sounds good. Maybe I’ll bring over dinner.”
“Perfect. See you in a few hours.”
An hour later after stopping at a drive-thru for a couple of drinks and a small snack, Blake helped her sit on the bench at the cemetery. He glanced at the headstone from the corner of his eye, the sadness washing over him as fresh and as painful as when he’d first heard the news about his brother. He put a small smile on his face for her benefit, not wanting to make her feel guilty about wanting to be there. “I’ll give you a couple minutes alone, then we’ll head home.” He looked up at the sky. The beautiful blue that had been there when they’d left Alec’s had been quickly replaced by gloomy grey clouds that seemed to threaten rain at any moment. The slight breeze was picking up steam, too. He didn’t want her out in a storm in her condition. Didn’t want to risk her catching a cold. “Looks like it’s going to rain soon.”
She nodded her agreement as she glanced skyward. “Thank you, Blake.”
He squeezed her hand. “No need to thank me.” He took one last look at the headstone then started to walk away, leaving her to her time alone with his brother.
She waited till Blake was well out of earshot. She couldn’t shake that unsettled feeling that had appeared out of nowhere the last couple nights and had triggered her sudden bout of wanting to move on, an effort she thought would lessen it. It hadn’t. Most people probably would pass that feeling off as nerves over her impending due date, that there was nothing to be worried about. Women had babies all the time. Things weren’t any different for her than they were for millions of other women.
She pulled at a loose thread on her jacket, anything to keep from seeing his name emblazoned on that cold stone. “Hi, Josh. This is probably going to be the last time I’m here for a while. You probably know he’s due soon.” She paused, resting a hand on her side. Austin kicked right at her hand, making it jump. He was getting so active lately. “Alec’s planning on spending the weekend. I think he’s afraid I’ll go into labor and forget to call him. He’s so much like you sometimes. Maybe that’s why I asked him to be there.”
She took a shaky breath as she slid her sunglasses off, resting them on top of her head. “I broke down at Alec’s today. Probably scared him half to death, but, you know, I can’t help myself sometimes. He played it off as pregnancy hormones, but I don’t know. All I do know is that without you all I have is…” Her gaze drifted to where she could see Blake still walking down the path away from her. She still had some time to get things off her chest, to say the things to him that she felt she needed to. Things she hoped that somehow he could hear, no matter where he was.
“I got the hat, Josh. I guess that was your way of telling me it was okay to let you go. As much as I think that I should, that I need to, no matter how much this morning I desperately wanted to, I can’t. Not right now. Not yet.”
Blake walked down the gravel path, his hands shoved into his pockets. What he needed most was a heart to heart with his best friend, his brother, to hear his voice again. “You should be here, man. You had so much to look forward to. The baby. Proposing to Avery. Getting married. If I could, I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat. I’m not just saying that either. I would, you know. I miss you.” He stopped and leaned against an old tree, its bark rough and coarse, but he didn’t care. He watched Avery off in the distance. Her sadness was visible even from his vantage point so far away. It tore him up inside. There was nothing any of them could do for her. No one could ever bring him back. No one could fill that hole in her heart, in her life. “I wish this wouldn’t have happened. If I would have had a feeling, a single inkling, I would have stopped you from coming to meet up with us, but there was nothing. I didn’t even realize anything was wrong until I saw the cop car coming down the street. I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry.” He tried to hold back his tears. His body shook with the emotion, with the guilt he’d carried for so long. Shouldn’t he have felt something was wrong with his little brother? That something could happen so he could have warned him not to come. He hugged his arms around himself, closing his eyes tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
***
Avery played with the radio as Blake drove. Peacefulness had descended around her since they’d left the cemetery. Maybe going there and spending some time alone with Josh, having the conversation she wasn’t sure she’d ever have with him, had actually done some good. She scanned through the satellite radio stations, trying to find something to fit her mood, but nothing seemed to match up. She was close to turning it off and giving up. “Blake?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you…when we’re there talking to him, do you think he’s there? Or that he can hear us, at least?” She finally settled on an old eighties station, the music lively enough to not send her back into her sadness. She lowered the volume so they could talk without shouting to one another. She leaned back in her seat, watching the city pass by through the tinted windows. She saw Blake glance at her.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. I think he would be there, though. I think he’s probably wherever we are, tagging along like some unseen protector.”
She played with the engagement ring on her finger. “I just didn’t feel him.”
It had felt like that the last few weeks. She could no longer feel him at all. No cool brushes against her, no distant murmurs, no more sketches in the sketchbook. It was like he’d up and left her alone.
Blake took his right hand off the steering wheel and gave hers a reassuring squeeze, risking a glance at her before putting his full attention back on the road. “Well, maybe he had some place he had to be.”
“Or maybe he’s really gone.” She closed her eyes, squeezing them tightly shut. That feeling was back, her peacefulness was abating, and something else was taking its place, something she didn’t like.
“Josh will never be gone, sweetheart.”