Chapter 17
Josh stood across from Blake, listening as his brother talked to Avery on the phone. He stared out the large bay window at the yard, absentmindedly tracing circles on the glass as he lost himself in thought. It had been a few weeks since he’d begun sneaking off to see her and everyone else and so far no one had caught on. Though it didn’t matter to him if they did. He had long ago justified it to himself. She needed him as much as he needed her. If the panel didn’t like it, too bad. He heard Blake mention the baby, and he turned his full attention back to the conversation, trying to pick up what his brother was talking about.
He watched Blake pick up his backpack from the corner of the kitchen, the phone propped against his shoulder as he dug through one of the compartments. “Names? Man, Avery, I don’t have a clue what he was thinking for names. I mean he really didn’t say much to me, you know. Probably was saving that for a conversation between the two of you.”
Avery walked around the nursery, the cordless phone propped against her shoulder. She pulled one of the new baby blankets she’d bought and washed out of the laundry hamper and began to fold it. “He never said much to me, either. I just wish I knew. Is there anyone you think he might have mentioned it to?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like he couldn’t have, but…”
She sighed, smoothing out a pale blue blanket with an embroidered elephant in the corner. “I guess if no one knows anything, then I’ll just have to go through a baby book and pick a name myself.”
“You aren’t going to name him after Josh?”
She couldn’t do that, no matter how much anyone thought it was a suitable suggestion. “That would be too hard, Blake. Especially since I know he’ll look just like his daddy.” She sat on the edge of the rocking chair, stacking the folded blankets on the dresser. Her gaze landed on one of the framed photos of her and Josh. “When you see Alec or your parents, can you ask for me?”
“Of course. How are you?”
“Ducky. A heat wave and pregnancy go together, oh so well.” She smiled as he chuckled on the other end of the line. “I was tempted to go out with Alec on the boat the other day, then I decided it’s not the best time for seasickness.” Even the thought of gentle waves sent her stomach in a nosedive. Add to that the potential for dizziness, and she was done. Out. Gone. Had handed the boat keys over with her blessing and told Alec to enjoy.
***
Josh watched Blake stare at the headstone. They’d been sitting there in silence for probably an hour already. He couldn’t get a good read on his brother. He couldn’t make contact with him, and it was wearing on Josh. Someone he was so close to, and then nada, nothing. It was frustrating. It was painful. It hurt almost as much as it did with Avery sometimes. To just want him to hear his voice, to acknowledge that he wasn’t as gone as he felt he was.
“What’s up, Blake?” he asked, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer.
Blake’s gaze stayed locked on the headstone. Josh watched his brother’s eyes well up with tears, and he bowed his own head so he wouldn’t have to see the fresh wave of pain cross his face. “Damn, why you, man?”
Josh stretched his legs out. “Who knows?”
“Avery called me this morning. Wanted to know if you had any names in mind for the baby. I couldn’t tell her all the plans you told me, I couldn’t break her heart like that. That the first shoes were going to be sneakers like yours, remember? And you’d bought the three of you matching pairs.” He laughed softly, and out of the corner of his eye, Josh caught his shoulders shaking with the movement.
Blake tilted his head away from the name engraved on the stone, obviously having had enough. “Avery would have loved that, wouldn’t she? Along with the baby basketball and everything else. God, Josh, she doesn’t even know you were already buying baby things, does she?”
“I was going to surprise her. Do the nursery on my own in the middle of the night while she slept then surprise her with everything in the morning. She would have been shocked at that one, huh? Wake up and find me sound asleep in the middle of the nursery, a half assembled crib in one corner, half assembled change table in the other and the walls still wet with paint.” He shook his head. “I was crazy.”
“I was thinking when Alec takes her to her doctor’s appointment this week I’ll go see where you hid everything. Give it to her before she ends up stumbling across it sometime when she’s unprepared.”
“Good idea.” Josh studied his brother’s face, knowing the underlying meaning of his words. He appeared to have aged ten years in the last few months. If he could, he’d wipe the pain away from everyone he loved. “I’m sorry, Blake. So sorry.”
Blake turned, facing where Josh sat but looking right through him, and any hopes Josh had that his brother sensed him vanished in an instant. “I miss you, we all do.”
“Miss you, too.” Josh pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to distract himself from feeling his brother’s pain. It ricocheted through his body. “I want you to find the baby stuff. Avery needs to have it.” He wondered if he concentrated hard enough if Blake would hear him, or if he could plant the idea of where to look in his mind. “The suitcase in the guest room. I figured she’d never look in there. She hates packing.”
***
She held her breath as the tiny boats on the mobile started to move. First one slowly, back and forth, as if it were deliberately being swayed gently, then came the next one, and then the one after that. Each started slowly but picked up speed until they were all going. Either she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or Josh was indeed back. She took the brand new blanket out of the box and set it over the end of the crib. “They’d all think I’m crazy for thinking you’re here. Heck, I’m even doubting my sanity about all of this.”
One of the boats stilled in response. It was just like him. A smart aleck remark. “Funny,” she muttered. Still the same smart ass she’d fallen in love with. “So funny, Josh. Toy with an already emotional pregnant woman.”
The lone boat began to sway slowly again. The slightest chill brushed against her arm as if he’d leaned against her for a moment.
She sighed. “Don’t.” The word was a weak plea not to play games.
The boats slowed down until just the first one was moving back and forth like someone was flicking it with their finger. For a moment she could almost imagine him beside her, leaning on the railing, toying with the soft fabric.
“I keep thinking you would try to show me you’re around. I know that night wasn’t a dream, Josh. You didn’t clean up after yourself.” She laughed softly. “Guess some things never change.”
“Neither do you.” The smile was evident in his voice as he watched her take a few more baby things out from the shopping bag onto the change table. He had to smile when he realized how much she was showing. All he wanted was to tell her how much he loved her and how proud he was of her for going through all this and have her for once be able to hear him say it.
He watched her rub her back gingerly as she headed toward the dresser. He noticed the new addition she’d added to the row of photos. It had been taken the same day she’d told him about the baby. He had his head on her shoulder and his hands resting on her hips as she’d been trying to take the picture with her camera. He laughed remembering how many blurred shots she’d gone through before that one had finally been taken. That grin on his face was so silly, but then again, she could make him sillier than he’d ever been in his life and far more serious, too.
She picked the frame up and traced his face with her finger. Josh was rooted to the spot, unable to move. From where he stood her heartache was palpable.
“I still don’t understand it. You were always such a good driver, but horrible with directions, even with GPS.” She laughed softly to herself. “Still, other than that…” She took a deep breath, and he frowned. He didn’t want her to get upset again. “Blake wants to take me to Lamaze. Well, actually, Alec asked me first. He came over with pamphlets and everything. Do you know they’re actually reading the same pregnancy books they get me? It’s like some warped book club they’ve got going.” She smiled and turned around as if she expected to see him there nodding in agreement.
Josh nodded. “They want to look out for you. They’re doing a damn good job, too.” He moved in front of her, wishing he could let her know for sure he was there. Hell, he wasn’t supposed to be there, he knew that, but he’d snuck away. Hopefully undetected. If the panel thought they could punish him again, go ahead and let them try. If they called him in front of them again, he’d tell them to deal with it. They took his life, they couldn’t control his afterlife.
She walked right through him, completely unaware of what she’d done. “You’re not helpful, you know. No one seems to know what you had in mind for baby names, and you know me, the poster girl for indecisiveness. He could still be Baby Collins come his first birthday.” She went to the crib with one of the new blankets and smoothed it over the mattress. “There probably isn’t a way for you to tell me even if you did have a name in mind. We probably should have talked about this a lot more.”
Just one more thing to add to the list of all the conversations he would have had if he’d known. He moved beside her. “I had a couple thoughts, you know, but you probably wouldn’t like them.”
Avery shrugged, causing him to look at her in surprise. There was no possible way she heard him, yet what were the chances she’d shrug at just the right moment? He wasn’t sure he believed in coincidences anymore.
“Whatever you like, sweetheart, is more than okay with me.”
***
Gabriel was everywhere, or so it seemed lately to Josh. He’d take himself to the beach, and Gabriel would be a few steps behind him. He’d go to the cemetery which was surprisingly at times eerily peaceful, and he’d sense the man around him, see a flash out of the corner of his eye that told him his friend was around more than he wanted to admit. That Josh was being watched a lot closer than anyone had told him.
“Can you stop following me?” Josh’s exasperation came out in the question. It would be so much easier if he could lose his friend for even a few minutes, just long enough to pop in and see what was going on with her. With his family.
“Not right now I can’t.”
“And why can’t you?”
“Why is it so important for you to get rid of me?”
“I thought I’d be alone for awhile.”
“Maybe that’s the problem, you’re spending too much time alone.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because you don’t talk to me. You always asked how she was. How everyone was and now…” Gabriel looked at him pointedly.
Josh stood straighter, ignoring the inkling that Gabriel might know what was going on. What he was doing. “I’m trying to deal with it all,” he lied. “Plus I don’t want to be a bother to you. I know you have other things to do with your time besides having me always asking you to go and observe them for me. You went and checked on Avery when I really needed to know how she was. For that I’ll always be grateful.”
And that was the truth, he owed him for that. To know he could trust Gabriel to give him the truth about what was going on at a time when all Josh had felt was extreme panic was something he’d never forget. And maybe, maybe it was wrong not to tell his friend what he was up to. But he needed to do what he was doing, for him, for Avery. Involving Gabriel in any way could mean getting him in trouble somehow for knowing. So by keeping him out of the loop on this one little thing, well, that was justified in his mind somehow.