Chapter 21
The room was dark when Josh finally climbed out of bed. He’d stayed longer than he’d originally meant to, but she’d needed him. There was no question about that. The worst thing was realizing how much pain she was still in. No matter what he did, he couldn’t ease it. He fell onto his chair and stared longingly where she lay sleeping. She was his entire world for so long, and now he had no clue what to do for her.
He was restless and decided to get out of there for a while. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Be back soon, sweetheart. Get some sleep for me, okay?”
***
Josh walked barefoot in the sand, watching the waves crashing the shore close to him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to never leaving a footprint, to not feeling the water swarm his ankles then retreat back to the ocean. He had the sense of someone beside him, a gentle breeze that ruffled his hair, but he didn’t bother looking over. He knew Gabriel would say something when he felt the time was right. They walked in companionable silence for a while. He’d lost track of how many beaches he’d seen. They were all alike to him. Sand and water, water and sand. None brought him the same peace the one at home had. It was like his residual happiness was still there, something he could connect to no matter how long he’d been away. He could almost reach out and touch the memories, stepping right back into them. The time he’d almost lost the anchor on the boat. Or when he’d first let Avery drive the boat.
“Deep in thought?” Gabriel finally spoke up.
Josh jumped. “Scared me, Gabriel.”
“Sorry. I thought you knew I was here with you.”
“I did. I just…was lost in my thoughts. Didn’t expect to hear you speak.” He stopped, his back to the water. Gabriel looked sheepish.
“You look lost,” Gabriel commented.
“Must be the same expression Avery wears then, huh?” Josh couldn’t help himself from saying it. The words were from his heart.
“Probably.”
“I’d say more than probably. Highly likely.” Josh kicked at the sand at his feet as he spoke. With enough focus he was able to get it to fly through the air for a few short seconds before each speck dropped back down to the earth. Sometimes he felt as scattered as those shards of rock.
“I have a feeling there’s something you’d like to get off your chest.” Gabriel sneaked a glance toward him as they began walking again.
“Like what?”
“Oh, I don’t know, what you’ve really been up to the last while when you aren’t with me?”
Josh stopped in his tracks, watching as Gabriel continued on ahead, his hands in his pockets. “You know?” Josh asked, dumbstruck. He should have known he would, that this wasn’t something he could sneak past him for long.
Gabriel chuckled as he finally stopped and turned back around. “I watch over you, Josh, whether you know it or not. Sometimes you don’t always know when I’m there.”
“So you know?”
“That you’ve been sneaking away to be with her? Yes.”
Josh stared at him wide eyed. “If you know, then the panel—”
“The panel rarely keeps close tabs on anyone who isn’t before them for one reason or another. They expect someone in my place to give them periodic reports. Unfortunately, I’ve been rather forgetful in that department.” A reassuring smile crossed his face.
“I’m sorry G, I just…” He trailed off, trying to figure out a way to explain his behavior, to have some rational explanation that his friend would understand. It seemed no one understood what he felt or why he was so attached to those he left behind. They didn’t understand the depth of his love or the way he cared, so deeply, so much, that even now, being there on the other side of the world while she slept, he could still feel their connection, feel that ache in her heart that mirrored his own.
“It’s understandable. I’d probably do the same if I was in your position.”
Josh kicked at the sand again. “I was so scared when she almost lost him, I just wanted her to know that I was still with her, that I still loved her. It was all I could think of.” All he could still think of. It consumed him at times. All he wanted to do was prove it to her somehow, to ease her pain. To somehow make things right.
“That must have reassured her.”
“Hope so.” Josh wanted to believe that she’d felt him. A part of his heart knew she had. That it wasn’t just wishful thinking on his part. She’d known he was there, had felt his touch. Had heard him even. He bit his bottom lip, wondering how that was even possible when everything he’d seen before had proved it shouldn’t be. That the wall between them that separated them shouldn’t have allowed it.
Gabriel took a seat on the sand and motioned for Josh to join him. “Speak.”
He had to know Josh was holding something back. Josh frowned as he sat down near him. He didn’t want to share, wanted to keep something just between him and Avery, but this, this was too important, something that would keep him wondering about things for too long. Maybe Gabriel would know the answer to his questions. Maybe it was normal after so long that she’d hear him. “She heard my voice.”
Gabriel tensed, his gaze locked on Josh’s. “How?”
“I’m not sure, but we talked. We had a conversation, G. She’s so scared, she won’t admit it to anyone.”
Gabriel stayed silent, and Josh wondered if he should not have told him the truth. Maybe he was better off keeping it to himself. Finally Gabriel glanced toward him. “Does she feel better when you’re around?”
Josh shrugged. He knew in his heart she did. He saw the little signs that things were easier. The shakiness in her hands was gone. She even seemed to breathe easier. She slept. “I think so.”
Gabriel nodded. He dragged his fingers through the sand. “You know rules are in place for a reason, Josh.”
“I know.” For a moment a brief rush of fear hit him, that Gabriel was going to do something to keep him from going back to her, that he was about to take him before the panel and admit what Josh had really been up to the last while.
“You need to be careful. Going there, visiting her so much, can be a drain on your energy. You need to be aware of that.”
Josh nodded eagerly. “Right.” As much as he didn’t want to admit it, to Gabriel or even moreso himself, he could feel the toll the sketching was taking on him. Every night seemed to take just a little more concentration, a little more energy to do what he had the night before. He’d tried passing it off as the fact he’d been getting more detailed in the sketches, but maybe that wasn’t it at all.
“The beach is a good idea, you can relax, lose yourself for a while. Pick up energy from the waves. It’s a place of healing, too.” Gabriel looked out at the water. “Maybe that’s where Avery needs to go, to the beach for a while, a place to reconnect to herself and heal.”
Gabriel hated the pain that was etched so clearly on Josh’s face. The sadness in his eyes, the blue that had been so calm the first time they’d met was now darker, fiercer. “What is it?” He had an inkling, but he hadn’t wanted to intrude into Josh’s thoughts. Though he had the ability, there were some lines that Gabriel refused to cross. He knew it had something to do with where Josh’s heart was.
He was well aware where Josh had been going and should have probably admonished him earlier, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, to intrude on the few rare moments Josh had with those he loved.
It hurt Gabriel to see what was happening without Josh’s presence in his loved ones' lives, something that had never happened before. He usually had a bit of a detachment from his protégés, but there was something different about Josh. The detachment wasn’t there this time.
Josh shrugged, an attempt to dismiss him. “Nothing really.”
“You snuck away again.”
“So what if I did?” Josh lifted his chin at a defiant level, but the pain in his eyes took away the bravado of the gesture. “I held her, Gabriel, I held her in my arms again.”
Gabriel hesitated. That wasn’t possible. Josh’s few powers had been taken away, a sentence for what he’d done. Punishment that was supposed to fit the crime. No touch. No feeling. No “body” to appear with. And yet…Josh had somehow managed to create things he shouldn’t have been capable of creating. “How? You’re not supposed to be able to do that.” He couldn’t keep from voicing the question out loud.
“Don’t know. All I know is that I did. And Avery felt me, I know she did. She smiled, Gabriel. The first smile on her face that reached her eyes I’ve seen in such a long time. It helped her, and that’s all that damn well matters.” Josh became defiant again. “I don’t care what they say or what they think. I know my girlfriend, my fiancée, and I know what’s best for her. And what’s best for her, what’s going to keep her happy and healthy, is for me to be around her. She may not be able to physically see me, but in her heart she knows I’m there.”
***
The sketchbook was propped against the leg of the armchair. She lay there, making out its shape in the darkness. She felt like a little kid on Christmas Eve, waiting for signs of Santa Claus. Was it like that with Josh too? As long as she was awake, he couldn’t appear?
She hugged his pillow tighter. The silence of the house was slowly becoming comforting over the last few nights. The hum of the air conditioner became her lullaby. Her cell phone sat perched on the edge of his nightstand, waiting for her if at any time she needed a reminder of his voice. Of his silly jokes or the short but sweet I love you texts. The ones with the smiley faces or the text me when you wake up, all the ones she loved but never knew could mean so much until he was gone.
She brushed back a loose strand of hair that kept falling in her eyes. Time for a haircut, her inner voice chided, another one of the seemingly million things to do. Doctor’s appointments. Feigning interest in her friends. It was all getting to be too much. Shouldn’t they all be close to leaving her alone? She’d be fine if they would. She knew their numbers. She’d text if she needed something. All she truly wanted was sleep, to lie in bed and wait for some sort of sign he was really there. For a new sketch to appear. To have that chill dance over her skin, the sensation that made her think he was right there with her.
Those were the little things that somehow kept her sane. Made her think that somehow, in some crazy way, things were okay. Josh, somehow, was still there, still with her. She wasn’t as alone as she appeared. That he was truly still with her.
Gabriel watched from the corner of the room. He hadn’t meant to stop by. Hadn’t even thought of checking in on her at all. Josh was a handful on his own to deal with, but the woman he saw sleeping in that bed worried him. He moved to the chair and sat down, noticing Josh’s pencils lying haphazardly on the table. Part of him wanted to tell Josh all he was doing was making it harder on each of them, prolonging the agony of saying goodbye. In time the pain would ease. He’d be able to handle seeing her again, the pain wouldn’t be so fresh. And she could maybe have a small semblance of peace and allow herself the option of moving on in time instead of clinging so tightly to the memories of what was. To Josh’s spirit, the energy that seemed so alive in that room.
Gabriel sat there for a few hours in the dark. Silent. Observing. Feeling the pain that radiated off her until tears filled his own eyes at her loss. So immense, so fresh, so real, it would kill a person eventually. It was that strong. He wiped his tears away and rubbed his hands on his legs. Something inside of him had changed, something small.
***
She sat on the couch, the stack of baby naming books at her side. She and Alec had bought enough baby books on their excursion that morning to rival the three bookstores they had stopped at. She rested her feet on the edge of the coffee table and picked up the first book. She flipped through the first few pages till it got to the boys' names. “Do we go by meanings or what sounds good with Collins?”
Alec set down the two bowls of ice cream he’d just brought in on the table before taking a seat beside her. He reached for a book to search through himself. “Eventually it’s going to have to sound good with Collins, no matter what you pick.”
“True.” She looked at the ice cream in front of her. “What are you doing?”
“Thought ice cream was a good idea.”
She smiled as she closed her book. “I like your idea.”
“You just want a distraction, don’t you?”
She laughed as she reached for her ice cream. “This is more complicated than I thought it would be. A name is more important than randomly picking something out of a book. It’s something he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life.”
“I get it.”
She managed a smile as she swirled her spoon through her ice cream. “I just…I wish I knew the name already somehow. That Josh had picked one and scribbled it in one of his old sketchbooks somewhere or said something to one of you guys, but it’s like he never even gave it a thought.”
“And now it’s left to you.”
“Unfortunately, yeah.” She had a couple spoonfuls of ice cream. The coldness helped her relax as she enjoyed the sweetness of the chocolate. All she knew was the baby wasn’t going to be a junior. That would be too much to handle. For her and for the baby. To have to go around carrying Josh’s name when it was quite likely he’d be just like him would be too much to bear.
The baby needed a name of his own, a chance for his own identity, and for that, he was dependant on her. She needed to think of him, to put Josh completely aside and do this on her own. “I need to make a list, at least narrow it down to a handful. With everyone asking all the time, I feel like I’m some horrible mother-to-be who hasn’t got a clue what his name is going to be. I don’t want to go to the hospital and be forced to pick a name out of thin air. That’s not fair.”
Alec looked at her, understanding mixed with amusement in his eyes. “Do you at least have a letter of the alphabet you like?”
“No.” She laughed, holding the bowl of ice cream closer to her. She could feel Alec’s scrutinizing look as he ate his own ice cream. “What do you think? I mean what would sound good with Collins?”
“You’re asking me?”
“I’m open to suggestions as this point.”
Alec played with his spoon. “I don’t know. Can’t say I’ve ever really thought about names before.”
“See?” she said.
“So we’ll spend the afternoon going through the books. You pitch me a name, I’ll pitch you a name, we’ll see what sticks. How’s that sound?”
A lot better than slogging through it alone. She smiled at him. “Good, might as well start with the As. Maybe we can find something I like before he’s old enough to drive his first car.”
Alec laughed. “Don’t worry, by tonight this little one will be named.”