Chapter 31
Gabriel hated to intrude on the two of them, but he had someone in his arms whom, no doubt, they’d both want to see. He walked over to the bassinet in the corner and gently laid a serene Austin down inside. “Now listen, young man,” he said quietly, veiling himself and the baby for the moment so Josh didn’t realize they were there yet. “You behave, no crying, all right?”
The baby gurgled.
Gabriel smiled. “Good boy.” He attached the label that said Baby Collins to the front and slowly wheeled it beside Josh’s chair. The wheel squeaked slightly, and Josh turned his head, his puffy eyes widening as he saw Gabriel. The older man put a finger to his lips and motioned to the baby. Josh gave a small nod in response
Josh blinked, staring at the baby in the bassinet beside him who was gazing around in wonder. He looked so alive, so happy. Could he do this to her? She was still clutching his shirt. “Sweetheart…” His voice was gentle. “There’s someone here I want you to meet.” He pulled the bassinet closer with one hand, leaving the other tight around her. “Aves…”
She pulled back, shaking her head. “No.” The lone word was a plea, her voice hoarse. “This is our son.” He leaned over and picked him up carefully out of the bassinet. “They wanted you to see him at least once.”
She drew further back. “I can’t.” She kept her gaze locked solely on his, like nothing else existed. Her stubbornness was award winning and now was no exception. He knew she was trying to protect herself from any more pain. She was shielding her heart the only way she knew how. “Avery, he’s beautiful.”
“I don’t want to see what I’ve lost.”
He carefully maneuvered himself onto the bed beside her. She kept her eyes away from them, focusing on the blanket draped over her. She twisted the ID bracelet around her wrist, anything but look at him and the baby in his arms. “I know how you feel. I’ve watched you almost every single day since the accident. It’s been the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through, but, Avery, seeing him might help you in time.”
She dared a small glance, but just at him, not the bundled baby in his arms.
“Say hi to your mommy, handsome.” He moved the blankets so their son peeked out over the edge. She didn’t even blink, her eyes locked on Josh until Austin gurgled almost as if he was demanding her attention, his way of saying Mommy, look at me.
A small sob escaped her and she looked down at him, her face crumpling with emotion. “Oh, God.” She covered her mouth with her hand. “Why did I lose him?”
Josh shook his head. He didn’t know what answer to give her when he didn’t know or understand himself. “I don’t know, honey.”
She reached a tentative hand out, resting it on the blanket around him. “I’ve lost everything.” She whispered the words so softly he almost didn’t hear her.
Josh turned and placed the baby in her arms, watching her expression go from sad to startled to full of love. For a moment he wondered if their son was able to give her the feeling of peace that Gabriel tried so often to impart to him. She needed it. She needed something to help her through this.
He put an arm around her, pulling her close and resting his head against hers. “I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say. There weren’t any other words he could come up with that would do anything more. He had no magic words to take away her pain.
They sat like that for a while, just the three of them, all silent with their own thoughts. He watched her hold their son’s hand and smile when he yawned. He wanted to give her Austin, wanted her to never know this pain she was going through right now.
Couldn’t Gabriel tell them what this was doing to her? Couldn’t they take one moment and look for themselves, one moment to see the shakiness in her hands, the lost look in her eyes. He’d watched the fear appear in them the moment she saw him. The moment she realized she’d lost Austin. It was as if all hope had been taken away from her and she had nothing left to go on for. All her reasons for hanging on had been taken away from her.
A flash of light caught his attention in the far corner, and his heart sank. This was going to be too hard. Why couldn’t she have simply fallen asleep so he and the baby could have faded away? He didn’t want to be the one to tell her and then rip the baby out of her arms. How could he do this? How could they expect him to? This was too much, too cruel.
“I don’t know how much time we have left together.” He ran his fingers through her hair, tucking it behind her ear like he’d always loved to do in the mornings.
“I just want to hold him a little while longer.” She ran her fingers gently over her son’s tiny face, tracing every feature. “He has your eyes.” The corner of her mouth lifted up into a partial smile at the realization.
Josh smiled. “And your nose. Did you see his hair?”
She moved the blanket back a smidge, her smile growing wider as she saw the light wisps of hair covering his head. “Blonde.” She laughed softly as she carefully pulled the blanket back in place, keeping the baby warm.
“You haven’t laughed in a long time.”
“Not much to laugh about lately.” She glanced at him shyly. It was like she knew. She shifted the baby closer to her, nestling herself closer to Josh too with the movement. “I don’t want to let you two leave.”
Josh rested his hand over hers on the blanket. “We’ll always be around. Just like I’ve been. You’re never alone, sweetheart.”
At his father’s voice, the baby opened his eyes again and gazed straight at her. Her mouth fell open. “He’s perfect.” She smiled through her tears as Austin reached out and latched tightly onto her finger, his whole hand wrapped securely around her, like he didn’t want to let her go either. “Does he know?”
“I’m not sure. He might.”
She stayed silent a moment, just looking lovingly down at her son. “I’m sorry, baby. Mommy’s so sorry.”
Josh buried his face against her shoulder, hating the pain in her voice. Hating that she felt she needed to apologize for something that wasn’t her fault. “It’s not your fault. You never did anything wrong.” He wanted her to know that. To take the guilt away. He didn’t want that thought in her head all the time. He knew the way guilt ate away at a person’s heart, their very soul, and that was the last thing he wanted for her.
“I must have. First you, now him.”
“No, you didn’t. It’s me. It’s my fault.” He lifted his head, looking at her and his son. “Blame me.” It was true. He was the one who’d failed. Failed her. Failed Austin. Failed himself. Somehow he hadn’t done the right thing. It had eluded him for months and now, because of it, he’d brought all this about.
Gabriel stood in the corner, his heart breaking at the scene in front of him. The last thing he wanted to do was interrupt, but their time together was almost up. He needed to give Josh some sort of signal, but he didn’t want to startle Avery. She’d been through enough. They deserved their privacy, a chance to grieve their loss together. He made himself completely invisible and waited. He wished she’d simply drift off to sleep and he could slip Josh and the baby out quietly, spare her the pain of watching them leave.
As quietly as possible, he moved toward the bed. Josh whispered soothing words in her ear, never looking away from the baby. “Josh, please don’t make a movement or sound to let her know someone else is here.”
Josh tensed for the briefest moment then gave a slight nod.
Gabriel saw her desperately trying to blink her sleepiness away. He could sense her struggle to hang on, to make these moments last. She was trying so desperately to stay strong in front of Josh, but he could feel her will to go on fading with every passing second. “She’ll fall asleep soon, within half an hour. You’ll leave then, not a minute before.”
“Thanks, G,” he whispered, only loud enough for him to hear.
The heartache radiated from his friend. “Why don’t the three of us lie together, huh?” Josh whispered, brushing her hair back. “Put munchkin between us?”
Avery nodded. “That’d be nice.”
Josh knew how reluctant she was to hand him back their son, almost as if she were terrified the second he was back in Josh’s arms the two of them would vanish. “Here, I’ll lie on my side like this.” He inched down in the small bed, rolling on his side to face her. “And he can lie right here like that.” He gently maneuvered the baby from her, setting him right between them.
Austin looked up at them both intently, as if he too were trying to soak up the moment. The second he locked eyes with his mother, her breath hitched. “Take care of him.”
“Always.” He reached up and brushed her tears away. “You’ll be okay, sweetheart.” He wanted to hold her so tightly she’d know he’d never let her go, that his arms would always be around her even if she couldn’t feel them.
“Not without you, not without him.” She looked down at her son. “I was so close, just a few weeks away, and he would have been mine.”
As careful as he could so as not to squeeze the baby, he wrapped his arms around her. “Don’t think that, come on.”
“I don’t want to think, I don’t even want to feel anymore.” She took a shaky breath. “I just want…”
Her eyes said so much, she didn’t need to finish the sentence.
He put his finger over her lips. “Don’t say it.”
She leaned back against her pillow and reached out, holding tightly to her son’s tiny hand. “I want what I’ll never have. What we’ll never have.”
His fingers went through her hair, trying to soothe her. “So do I, baby, so do I.” He watched her eyelids flutter and he knew Gabriel was right. It wouldn’t be much longer till she finally fell asleep on them.
She looked at him sleepily and reached up, touching his face. “I know what you’re going to tell me. Don’t fight it.”
He kissed her palm. “I almost wish you would.”
She smiled weakly. “I love you,” she whispered.
The baby looked up at her and smiled just before her eyes fell closed. Josh watched her, his heart breaking. She almost seemed peaceful, like somehow the baby really had done what Gabriel did for him. He just wished that peace would stay with her, would be enough to carry her through.
“We love you too, angel,” he whispered. “So much, so very, very much.”
There was a small noise behind him, and he didn’t need to look to know Gabriel stood there. “It’ll be all right.”
“Yeah.” He nodded as his son stared up at him in wonder, and he smiled. It might not be just yet, but he was going to do everything in his power to make it right.