Chapter 5
Alec unlocked the front door of Avery and Josh’s and helped Avery inside, well aware of the slight stumble in her steps as they walked in, the day clearly beginning to take its toll. The house was cast in shadows thanks to the dark storm clouds outside. Blake shook off the umbrella behind them before closing the door. They’d been the first vehicle to leave the cemetery, and he was glad they were. That way she could have some time on her own. He wasn’t sure she was up to facing yet another large group of people. While there’d be a small get together at the Collins’, Avery had decided that morning that would just be too much for her.
He helped her off with her jacket and hung it on the coat rack, eager to flip on the lights, and get them out of the dreary darkness. The rain had slowed to a steady downpour on the way back, a mirror of how many tears they’d all shed in the last few days. Avery sighed softly and headed slowly into the living room toward the leather couch and he followed close behind, watching for any stumble in her steps that shouldn’t be there.
“Mom said they’d be over right after…after it ended,” Blake said, almost as if he were afraid to say the words, after the casket was lowered and his brother was fully and completely laid to rest.
Avery nodded and put her things down on the coffee table in front of them. “I guess I should get some things ready for them.”
Alec wrapped arms around her. “Honey, you don’t need to entertain anyone, they’re here for you.”
She took a shaky breath, her head down so she obviously didn’t have to meet their gazes. “I know.”
Alec lifted her chin so he could look intently into her eyes. “It’s okay to let it out, you know.” He was amazed she’d stayed so stoic during everything so far. She either had a resolve of steel or she was as numb as he was, and just better at keeping everything inside, something he knew couldn’t be wise.
She sniffled, a weary, weak attempt at a smile crossing her lips. “All I do is cry…” She gave a pitiful little laugh and wiped her tears away as she sheepishly glanced at them both.
“We’re all crying, hon, it’s because we miss him,” Blake assured her. “Why don’t you sit down for a while and try to relax?”
“That’s a good idea,” Alec agreed, “I can put some coffee on.”
She stood there for a moment, just looking around, her eyes scanning every corner of the room, and he wondered what she saw, what it was she was looking for. Everywhere he looked, he saw his older brother. It wasn’t easy on him being there, surrounded by so much of Josh, the way it seemed like he was about to come down the stairs at any minute and ask what they were all so dressed up for. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for her. Just really starting to build their lives together, and to lose him so suddenly, without warning. He could see how really lost she was without him.
Avery sat there on the couch, Alec talking beside her, his voice seeming far away. Blake stood staring out the front windows, his hands in his pants pockets. All she wanted was to be alone, really alone, and let herself fall.
It was all just starting to get to her. The watchful gazes of the brothers. The dress. The mood of the day. The silence. She suddenly felt confined, like someone she wasn’t. She inched forward on the couch. “You know, I think I’m going to grab a shower.”
Both men turned to look at her and for a moment she wondered what Alec had been talking about before she had interrupted. She’d clearly given away the fact she hadn’t been paying the least bit of attention by the way they were looking at her. She pulled the dress away from her body. “I just need to get out of this,” she explained. A shower would be good. She could get out of that stifling dress and be alone for a while. Cry under the steady stream of water and pretend the tears that fell were nothing more than the water pouring down on her.
Alec nodded quickly and Blake stepped toward her. “You need anything?”
She stood slowly. “No, I’m…” She hesitated over the word fine. “I’ll be okay. You guys make yourselves comfortable.” She tried to smile for their benefit but their worried expressions made her think she failed miserably at the task. “I won’t be long.”
She gave Blake a tight hug, hoping it would reassure him, before she left the room. She didn’t want him to worry about her. She didn’t want to cause anyone any more worry. They all had enough emotions to deal with without her adding any to the mix.
Alone upstairs, she turned the lock on the bedroom door and sank back against the cool surface as all the emotions she’d kept back at the funeral hit her full force, pinning her against the door with their weight.
He was gone.
Her bottom lip trembled as she slid down to the ground, her hand coming up to cover her mouth to stifle any sound that dared escape, but none came, her voice as silent as the tears that streamed down her face. It felt like she was suddenly all alone in a dark, desolate world and there was no escape, no way out, and no one to tell her how to find her way.
It had been driven home for her that morning. She hadn’t ever imagined that when she walked down an aisle toward him, it would be for his funeral and not their wedding.
She couldn’t accept it. Everywhere she looked, there were traces of Josh. His cologne still hung in the air. His sketchbooks were still half stuffed on the shelves. His game consoles still sat on the bookshelf, frozen in time, waiting for him. Just like she was…
All she wanted, needed, so desperately needed, was him. She closed her eyes.
“Josh.”
His name filled the space. Empty, cold, cruel space. How could a room feel like that? A room that had always made her feel safe and comfortable and loved was now foreign as if she’d stepped into a stranger’s home. Her entire body ached from the tears she couldn’t keep inside anymore, all the emotion overwhelming her to the point of drowning in pain. She rocked back and forth, the tears falling unabashed as she stared at the bed, her lonely, heartbreakingly empty bed. The last place she’d seen him, the last place she’d touched him, the last place she’d made love to him.
She couldn’t face that room anymore. She pulled at the dress, desperate to get it off. She tossed it on the floor as she headed into her bathroom, closing the door. She turned the shower on high and caught her reflection. She didn’t even recognize the woman staring back at her, wide eyed and sad, a lost look in her eyes she couldn’t stand. Her body didn’t show a single sign of pregnancy, in fact she looked smaller than she had when they found out about the baby. She blinked back a fresh rush of tears and turned away, stepping under the shower spray.
Tilting her head up, she let the first wave of tears fall, mixing with the water, her shoulders shaking with the strength of the emotion. She leaned against the wall and slid down then drew her knees up to her chest, resting her forehead against them as the tremors took over. All the emotion, pain, she’d been holding back that morning overtook her and the brutal truth rushed toward her, hurtling with speed like a freight train. Josh had gone, and with him, so had all their dreams and hopes for the future. All the little plans, the baseball games and the trip to the Keys. The concert tickets to see his favorite band play in July.
She was alone.
All alone, no matter what anyone else tried to tell her, because no matter that they’d lost a brother or a son or a friend, she’d lost her everything. Her heart, her soul, her future, her love.
She curled up in a tighter ball, letting everything out as that now familiar chill encircled her, dotting goose bumps all over her body despite the hot water pouring down on her, washing her tears away.
***
Blake had watched her go upstairs, not sure whether or not she really should be alone. He knew she likely wanted her space, some time to grieve in private without feeling like everyone was watching her. He ran a hand over his hair absently, suddenly tired and weary. He’d paced around the living room so many times he was amazed there weren’t grooves in the carpet.
He’d checked his cell phone over and over, finding nothing more than a few condolence texts from friends and a couple messages from family asking how Avery was holding up. How could he tell them he didn’t know? He couldn’t read her.
“I think I’m gonna grab a drink,” Alec said from where he still sat on the couch.
He looked at his youngest brother. Alec’s façade he’d been putting on for Avery had vanished, and he too looked lost, like they all did. “I think we could both use one.” He needed something to dull the thoughts that kept coming to him. That he had no clue what to do, how to take care of her. He had to, he knew that’s what Josh would have wanted the most, but at that moment, having watched her make her way so slowly up the stairs as if she’d aged decades since they’d come in the house, he had no idea what he could do for her. Short of somehow magically making Josh walk through that front door again, there was no way to fix her broken heart.
They both headed into the kitchen and while Alec dug through the cupboards, finding the ground coffee beans to start a pot of coffee, Blake went through the fridge. At the back he found an unopened bottle of wine and set it on the counter. He had a feeling more than one of them might need a drink later to get through the rest of the day.
Alec leaned against the counter, rolling up his sleeves. His eyes were still puffy from crying. “How do you think she really is?” he asked as Blake eyed the wine bottle.
Blake cast a look at the ceiling. Faintly he could hear the strains of the shower running. “Numb, I think. Maybe it’s better that way, at least for now.” He loosened his tie and undid the top buttons of his own shirt. He wondered how much longer it was going to be until his parents showed up. The house was silent, awfully silent, like it was mourning the loss of Josh, too. The quietness was a painful reminder that the music he always played was missing. He didn’t think Avery could take it much longer. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I don’t want to leave her alone right now.”
“Me either,” Alec admitted. “She’s fragile, Blake. She looked like a little porcelain doll in the limo with us. I’ve never seen her like that before.”
Blake let out a deep breath. She hadn’t ever lost the love of her life before. “We’ll just keep an eye on her. That’s all we can do. Be there for her.” It was all he’d come up with. He hoped she knew she could count on them, all of them for whatever she needed. Someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, that’s what the whole family was there for.
The two men stayed in silence until the coffee pot beeped. Alec automatically grabbed two mugs from the counter and filled them. Just as he held out the one to Blake, they heard footsteps behind them.
Blake took a long sip of his hot coffee, needing the jolt to help him clear the fog in his mind as he turned to see Avery standing there, a little color in her face thanks to her shower. Her damp hair hung loose and wavy past her shoulders. She smiled sheepishly at them, and Blake noticed his brother’s leather jacket hanging over her arm. “Wondered where you boys disappeared to.”
Alec lifted his mug. “Needed some fuel.”
She nodded, glancing around the kitchen. She seemed smaller somehow to Blake, and he wondered if Alec noticed the same thing. He would have thought after her shower and change of clothes into her yoga capris and a simple loose black t-shirt that looked like it might have been Josh’s, she’d have looked a little better. Instead she seemed more fragile. Without the make-up, the circles under her eyes jumped out at him. Had she slept at all? He found himself wondering.
“You know what, I’m going to go out back for a couple minutes, I just need some air,” Avery said, glancing shyly at him, her nails tapping out a short beat on the countertop.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Blake asked. He’d honestly prefer if she stayed somewhere close where they could all keep an eye on her. Maybe the best thing would be if they could get her to fall asleep for a while.
She patted his arm as she stopped beside him. “Just a couple minutes, it feels stuffy in here.”
He caught a silent pleading in her eyes and reluctantly he nodded in understanding. “Okay. Don’t catch a chill though.”
“I won’t.” She gave a wan smile and lifted the jacket in her arms before she slipped past him toward the patio door.
He exchanged a worried look with Alec as the door closed silently behind her. “Think she’s okay to be by herself?”
Alec shrugged. “Not entirely, but I’m afraid to push her too far. She’s teetering on a dangerous edge.”
The sound of the front door opening silenced the conversation, and a moment later his entire family came into the room with Taylor trailing close behind, balancing a couple trays of food.
Blake hugged his mother the moment she came in. “Where’s Avery?” she asked as she stepped back and started looking around for her.
“Out back. Said she needed some air, but I think she just wanted some time alone.”
“Is that wise?”
“Alec is watching her.” He nodded his head to where Alec stood at the windows.
Alec drank the last of his coffee and poured another, eyeing the sealed bottle of wine Blake had pulled out earlier. He hadn’t strayed far from the window, not wanting to leave her alone. As soon as the rain seemed to pass, she’d wanted to head outside. “Josh would hate seeing her like this,” he said as Taylor neared.
Avery sat on one of the deck chairs, faced away from them, Josh’s old leather jacket draped over her shoulders. Every once in a while her shoulders gave a little shake, no doubt more from the grief than the slight chill still in the air.
“I hate seeing her like this.” Taylor put her hand up to the window.
Alec poured a second cup of coffee and held it out to his friend. “Me, too.”
She turned and took the cup gratefully. “She’s just lost, isn’t she?”
“Completely.”
Taylor shook her head as she looked back out the window, lifting her coffee to her lips then down again. “Think I should go out there?”
“Wouldn’t hurt.”
“I just don’t know what to say to her, what to do,” she confessed. “My best friend is hurting and I have no clue what to do.”
“None of us do, Taylor.” He reached out and put his arm around her, hugging her close. “But maybe she just might like having another woman to talk to.”
Taylor nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder. “Yeah, maybe…”
Blake didn’t want her alone much longer. The wind had picked up and he’d watched from the patio doors as it batted her hair around, whipping it against her face. Even from where he stood he could see the sheen of fresh tears on her face. He argued with himself over the right thing to do. Giving her space was one thing, but to watch her suffer was something else entirely. He set his coffee cup down and edged toward the door. He’d just see if she wanted anything, that was it, that was all. A good excuse if need be.
He opened the door and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he stepped out on the deck. She didn’t move or make any sign that she’d heard the door open. He opened his mouth to say her name but something stopped him. The wind changed direction and came at him, like a protective shield to keep him away from Avery. Maybe it was Josh’s way of wanting him to back off, give her space.
He stood there, unsure, glancing at her and back at the house. Reluctantly he took a few steps toward her, yet she didn’t move, didn’t give even the slightest sign she was aware of his presence out there with her.
Avery pulled Josh’s jacket tighter around her, keeping the slight chill away. If she kept her eyes closed, she could almost pretend he’d just gone inside to get another drink or a blanket or he was inside working in his office and he’d be out any minute to check on her. He always checked on her lately. Ever since he found out she was pregnant, he barely left her side. It was sweet really, the way he was so overprotective, afraid of something happening to her. The thought hit her and she wrapped her arms around herself, Josh’s jacket hugging her the way he used to. She should have been more afraid of something happening to him.
She couldn’t stop thinking of everything he was missing…everything he would miss…it was like a constant loop in her head, scenes from her future without the one key element to her life.
The slight wind picked up, and she reached up, taking the small clips out of her damp hair. The cool wind was a welcome touch against her, lifting her hair and tossing it in her face. Somehow it felt right against her hot tears, taking away the sting against her skin.
The squeak of the back door opening came from behind her. She didn’t move, didn’t dare to turn. She simply took a deep breath and opened her eyes behind her dark sunglasses, waiting to see who wanted to join her. The last thing she wanted was to talk. To get her feelings out there. There were no feelings, just pain and sadness, and that numbness that was at times blissful, that made her feel like she was watching someone else’s life.
A few moments passed before Blake dropped down into the chair beside her, his suit jacket gone and his hair mussed from the brief walk in the wind. From the side she could see a bit of Josh in him, just for an instant, as if Josh’s face had been overlaid and then taken away.
“Avery?” His voice was gentle. From the corner of her eye she saw him lean forward.
“What, Blake?”
He visibly relaxed when she spoke, like her replying was a sign he wasn’t disturbing her, that she wasn’t about to chase him away.
He looked at his hands for a minute as if trying to figure out what to say. “You know he loved you a lot.”
“Yeah, I loved him too.” She fought back a fresh wave of stinging tears. Loved. She was already talking in the past tense. And it had slipped out so easily. All she wanted was to scream and wake up from this nightmare. Wake up and find Josh’s smiling face beside her, have him hold her in his arms and tell her everything was okay, that none of this was real.
“He was so happy about the baby, you know,” Blake said, looking at her once again. She hated feeling like she was on display, like some fragile doll that everyone needed to shield from harm. The harm had already come, and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it now.
“Was he?” She shifted in her chair.
“Yeah.” He smiled, lost in own memories for a few moments. “Did I tell you what he did last time he took me on the boat?”
She shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear. “No, what did he do?” Suddenly she was glad to have company, glad to be able to talk about Josh like nothing had happened. To share the memories that she wanted so desperately to cling to, afraid that if they weren’t spoken or thought about they’d simply disappear into the ether.
Blake stuffed his hands in his pockets as he got up and headed back toward the house. She’d gone silent again. He hesitated at the patio door and looked back at her lone figure sitting there. He had the feeling she wanted to be alone. He hated watching her drift away. He could actually see her slipping away from him as they talked, the way she stared off into the distance as if he wasn’t there anymore, like she couldn’t hear a word he said. He’d wanted to scoop her up and take her back inside, but maybe that wasn’t the wisest decision, to put her back surrounded with all of Josh’s things, all their memories. At least out in the fresh air she could close her eyes and put herself somewhere else. She wasn’t on display like she’d been at the funeral where everyone had been watching her worriedly, afraid she’d go down at any minute.
The door opened and he jumped, startled, to see her best friend standing there, a blanket folded over her arm. “How is she?” she asked softly, searching his face for answers.
Blake shook his head sadly. “Not good.”
He held the door open for her, and she stepped out. “I thought I’d sit with her for a while.” She looked a little sheepish as she looked back inside the house. “I think she needs some time to herself, don’t you?”
“I think so too. Just…” He pressed his lips together, risking another glance over his shoulder. Avery hadn’t moved. “Be careful with her…she’s fragile.”
“I will.”
Blake nodded and slipped by her, back inside the house. For a moment all conversation in the room stopped until they realized who had walked through the door.
Avery heard the muffled sound of conversation behind her, but she didn’t have the energy or the inclination to turn to see who he was talking to. She figured whoever it was would join her soon enough. He had left the chair beside her awfully close. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays that was driving the clouds away, forcing the chill to dissipate.
Maybe she could simply close her eyes, fall asleep and sleep the rest of the day away. She didn’t want to face his family or hers. She just…she didn’t quite know what, maybe wallow in the numbness until something inside her finally clicked and found a way to go on without him, as impossible as that thought sounded to her.
The chair made a slight scraping sound as her new visitor pulled it back. A moment later a waft of floral perfume came her way. She blinked her eyes open to find Taylor standing in front of her, holding out a bottled water. “Avoiding everyone?”
Avery shook her head as she accepted the bottle. “No, just…” She exhaled softly. “I don’t know, maybe,” she admitted.
“I would too,” Taylor said as she sat down in the chair beside her before unfolding the blanket and stretching it over both their laps.
“I hate hearing everyone talk about him in past tense.” Avery played with the cap from the bottle, her nails tracing the grooves as she turned it slowly around and around. “It hurts.”
Taylor nodded. “I know, that’s why I came out here.”
“It feels wrong that he’s gone, like it shouldn’t have happened. That it wasn’t his time.” Avery shook her head as the words left her mouth and she straightened the blanket over her legs. “That’s so stupid, isn’t it? Wasn’t it his time? Like he had any choice in the matter.”
Taylor reached over and squeezed her hand. “Not stupid at all. We’re all thinking that.”
Avery sighed and held her best friend’s hand, looking out at the backyard. “I can’t do this, Tay…I can’t.”
“You can, hon, believe me. You’re not alone. You’ve got a houseful of people who are going to help you through this.”