Chapter 32
Josh held his son in his arms, aware of every little movement the infant made. Of the way he turned toward Josh’s body as if seeking his presence as much as Josh needed to see him, to hold him, like they were somehow validating each other’s existence.
He tore his gaze away from the sleeping infant’s face to confront the panel. He still didn’t understand why they’d called him there. He’d just left Avery a few minutes before when she’d finally completely dozed off, her hand still resting on the baby, her tears dusting her eyelashes.
The infant in his arms stirred, a slight wiggle followed by a stretch. Josh smiled down at him. “Hey, little guy. You’re wondering why we’re here, huh? Me, too. Bet you probably wanted to spend more time with your beautiful mommy.” He shifted the baby in his arms. “Me, too, but we’re—”
“Josh.” The woman on the panel interrupted him.
He raised his eyes away from his son. “I’m guessing you want me to hand him over to you?” He didn’t know how he’d be able to simply hand his son over, not knowing if or when he’d ever see him again or what would happen to him from that moment on.
The man to her left shook his head. “No, not yet.”
“Then what? Gabriel said I wouldn’t be able to keep him with me so…” He trailed off as the door opened and Gabriel slipped into the room, quickly taking a seat in the back. He gave his friend a questioning look, but Gabriel didn’t so much as crack a small smile or nod in his direction. “What’s going on?” He turned back to the panel. Something was up, he could feel it.
“We’ve reviewed some things in light of certain events. There are certain things that have been going on that shouldn’t have ever happened. Avery’s accident and the loss of the child, for one. Your death sent a lot of things spiraling out of control. Probably more than we know about.”
Josh stood there, trying to comprehend what they’d just said. It was like they’d finally heard every single argument he’d made since he’d arrived. That there was so much wrong with their decision, with what was transpiring without him. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t want to upset the panel in any way when they were finally starting to see things his way. In his arms, his son looked up at him and gurgled slightly. Out of instinct, he swayed gently, trying to get his son to sleep. “This isn’t fair, you know,” he said at last as he stared at each member of the panel, trying to get a read on them. “You won’t give me an appeal. You won’t let him have one either. What about Avery? Do you even care about her? What this has done to her? What it will do?” Austin deserved so much more than this bare existence. To know what it was like to live. To be loved.
Josh shifted him in his arms. “What if I make a deal? His life for mine. I won’t ever ask about me again. At least that way if Avery can’t have me, she can have our son.” Sharp pain filled him as he tried to fight back his stinging tears, but he didn’t want to appear weak in front of the panel. “I swear I won’t break the rules. I’ll only visit her when Gabriel’s with me. I’ll never touch her. I won’t even get close enough to think about it.”
The woman on the panel actually showed some emotion for once as she pressed her lips together, her attention on the infant in his arms. “About the child…”
Instinctively, Josh held his son closer to him. “He deserves a chance to know his mother and his family. He should be able to go back and live a full, happy life.” A tear fell and landed on the blanket around his son. Josh blinked, trying to get the tears to go away. He didn’t want to do this in front of them. He didn’t want to appear weak, as if he couldn’t handle the promises he was making. He truly meant every word from his heart, the very depths of his soul. He’d give up everything in a heartbeat for a chance for his son.
What else could he say? He had no idea what more to say on behalf of his son. “Please? I had a chance but he…” His voice broke and he looked at the sleeping infant again. “He deserves one. Avery deserves one. She’s been through so much. She doesn’t need any more heartache. My family deserves a chance to know him, to love him.”
A few whispered comments were exchanged between the panel before the woman nodded and turned toward him. Her voice was the kindest he’d ever heard it. “Give us a few moments, would you, Josh?”
He nodded as they stood up and left the room. He was amazed that they hadn’t ordered him out instead. Gabriel moved toward him, smiling kindly at the little boy still in Josh’s arms. “Why don’t we go out there?” he asked as he motioned to the door.
“Sure.” He didn’t want to just wait around in that room. “Do you think I got through?” he asked his friend anxiously as they walked toward the large door. “I just kept hoping I wasn’t repeating what I’d already said.”
Gabriel pushed the door open and let Josh out first. The door shut silently behind them. “You didn’t. This time everything you said came straight from your heart.”
Josh was confused. “What do you mean? The other times—”
Gabriel shrugged. “They came from there too but they tended to be selfish, concentrating on your loss. Now that you were fighting for Austin, you put him and Avery’s loss ahead of your own.”
He couldn’t believe it, but in a way, maybe his friend was right. Before it had been all about him, what he wanted, what he said he needed. He’d thought he’d been talking about what everyone else needed, but really, it had been all for him. “I mean it, though. It’ll kill me not to go back, but at least she’ll have him. You were there, you saw her.” Josh hated thinking back, the pain etched so clear on her face, the way she clung to him, to the baby. She was desperate to go with him. Desperate enough to maybe someday do something foolish just so she could. He hated that. She had a full life ahead of her, one that, even though it didn’t include him, she had every right to live. To enjoy. To…
“She was in bad shape,” Gabriel agreed, interrupting his thoughts.
“But if he…if he goes back,” Josh said, “it should change things, shouldn’t it? No more stress like that on her? No…”
Gabriel sighed as they walked along. “There will still be the accident, of course, time can be rewound but we can’t rewrite the entire history. There was a reason for it to happen. She’ll learn how close she came to losing him, and she’ll hopefully change.”
“Hopefully?” Josh didn’t like that word. Hopefully wasn’t part of the bargain he’d agreed to. Hopefully meant a whole other realm of possibilities he didn’t like.
***
She moved around the table, her expression sad as she went to reach for the infant. “It’s time to give us the baby, Josh.”
He held his son tighter, trying to control himself. He didn’t want to show how much this hurt him. “Not until you tell me.” He wasn’t going to hand him over with the chance of never seeing him again hanging overhead. He might not have been able to do things for himself, but he was going to do everything in his power to protect his son from the same pain he endured.
“We need some more time to deliberate.” She looked at Austin nestled tightly in the soft blue blanket, his tiny hand resting on top. For the first time Josh swore he saw real emotion in her. Something he hadn’t ever imagined existed before. “But I’d say it’s favorable.” She looked him in the eye. “I’ll give you a moment to say goodbye, and then we’ll—”
“I want Gabriel to take him wherever he’s supposed to go,” Josh said, interrupting her. He was the father, and he was about to act like one.
Gabriel looked stunned at his friend’s words. “Me?”
“Please?”
The woman looked at Gabriel before she nodded. “All right.”
Josh smiled at his friend, a feeling of calm overtaking him. He might not be able to take Austin wherever it was he needed to go, but he trusted Gabriel and knew he’d never let anything happen to his son. He couldn’t put him in better hands.
He headed toward the corner with his son. He wanted some last little piece of control before he gave control over his own existence to someone else, someone he wasn’t quite sure he even trusted, the panel. He shifted his son in his arms, trying to get the perfect view to hold him for a lifetime at least.
Austin’s eyes opened and met his almost as if he knew what this moment was all about. A goodbye. This was the one moment he could relive over and over again when he needed to, when he had to convince himself he’d done the right thing. Just one look into the eyes of his son told him he’d made the right decision.
Josh reached up with one hand and fussed with the blanket. “So Daddy’s got to say goodbye right now, buddy, but you’re so lucky, you know that? You’re going back to your mom and everyone else. They love you, love you a whole lot. And don’t forget that I love you, too. I’ll be around you, and if you ever need me, I’m there. Always.” He nodded as he made the promise, and his son reached out, wrapping those tiny fingers around one of Josh’s as if he were making his father swear it to him.
He heard Gabriel’s footsteps behind him, slow, to give him a last few moments, but he knew they’d never last long enough for him. He sighed to himself and leaned down, pressing his lips to his son’s forehead in a gentle kiss. “Gabriel’s going to take good care of you, all right?”
Gabriel answered with a nod as he stood beside him. “I will, you have my word.” He smiled as he turned his attention to the baby. “Both of you.”
“I know,” Josh replied.
Gabriel waited, not moving, not reaching, just simply waiting for Josh to get the courage to do one of the hardest things in his life. With one last look at those ocean blue eyes, Josh placed his son in his friend’s arms.
Gabriel bowed his head for a moment. “Why don’t you get out of here? Find a place to try and clear your head? I won’t be long.”
Josh nodded, blinking to keep his tears back. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of his son. If somehow, some way, Austin remembered this, he didn’t want that to be the image he had of his father. He put his hand on the blanket one last time, almost as if reassuring himself it was real, that his son was there, safe in his friend’s arms. Gabriel watched him, understanding written all over his face. He wasn’t going anywhere until Josh left first.
“I’ll just…” Josh tried to speak, his voice surprisingly hoarse. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn’t finish the sentence.
“I’ll find you,” Gabriel assured him, and when he looked up Josh saw the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes.
***
Josh didn’t want to be anywhere indoors, didn’t want to feel confined. The beach was as free as he could get right then. Open space. The sand beneath his feet. The smell of the ocean. The waves crashing against the shore. He needed something to drown out the memory of her sobs.
He moved to the shoreline and fell to his knees. Somehow the water soaked through the fabric of his pants. His shoulders shook as his own sobs tore through his body. How was any of this fair? Not to him. Not to the baby, but most especially not to her. She’d never done anything wrong to anyone and yet she was being hurt over and over again.
Couldn’t they see she didn’t deserve this? Another heartbreak. He’d seen the life, the hope fade in her eyes when he told her. But it was better it came from him, to let her see the baby one time without having to wonder, to visualize. A lifetime of not knowing would have killed her.
“I’m so sorry,” Gabriel’s voice came from beside him. He hadn’t even heard him walk up or felt that familiar comforting breeze that always alerted him of his presence.
Josh nodded, still unable to move, not willing to get up. He wished the water would just carry him away, take him piece by piece and let him drift for eternity. What would it be like to not know pain, to not have to remember those horrible moments for the rest of time?
“Did you…?” He couldn’t bring himself to ask.
“He’s fine.”
“Good,” he forced the word out. He couldn’t help wondering how it worked for his son. He knew he’d go back before the accident, but what would happen to Austin?
There was a moment of confusion as he lifted his head to ask Gabriel a question. The waves suddenly seemed hypnotizing against the dusk sky, the sound of the water abruptly muted. He opened his mouth to speak and all at once the light disappeared from around him. All sensation left his body. He couldn’t remember the feel of the water lapping against his legs or the fabric clinging to him. Couldn’t hear the ocean anymore. The salt air no longer surrounded him. He had the sensation of free falling into an abyss with nothing but darkness surrounding him. The sensation of falling was somehow welcome, and Josh found himself giving in to it.
Yet not cold and unyielding, just a nothingness that he welcomed.
The endless silence faded away slowly, like he was coming out of a long tunnel. The sound of something, like someone talking, started to break through, muffled at first then becoming a murmuring before the words started to make any sense.
“It looks like another sunny day in Tampa Bay. We’re looking at a high in the mid-nineties for the day.”
Josh automatically reached out, fumbling around on the nightstand, trying to come in contact with the radio and that off button that would plunge the bedroom back into silence.
Finally his fingers connected, and the DJ was cut off mid-sentence. Josh lay there, head still buried under the pillow as he felt someone roll over beside him, taking the blanket that covered him. The cool air conditioned air caressed his bare legs as the warmth of the blanket quickly faded away.
“Josh…” Avery’s voice was sleepy beside him. “What time is it?”
He blinked, confusion hitting him. Slowly he lifted the edge of the pillow. The sunlight that streamed through the window hit him square in the eyes, momentarily blinding him. He blinked, swearing for an instant that he saw Gabriel’s silhouette there. But when he blinked again, it was gone, like he hadn’t even seen it in the first place. He wondered if he actually had. He reached up a weary hand and rubbed his eyes.
“Josh?” Her voice cut through his thoughts.
He turned his head. The neon 7:43 stared him in the face. It can’t be. He was afraid to roll over. It just can’t be.
He took a moment to work up his nerve then slowly rolled on his side to find his favorite woman in the world lying beside him, her eyes closed, already back asleep. Carefully he inched the covers down past her shoulder and looked at her asleep in his t-shirt. He smiled, fighting back the tears as he wrapped his arm around her waist, nestling himself close to her. She fit snug against him, completely unaware of what happened, how big of a miracle this moment was.
He laid his forehead against her, just breathing in the scent of her shampoo, relishing how it felt to hold her in his arms again. The sound of his own breathing seemed like the most amazing sound ever to him.
Josh lay there in amazement. He put his hand on his chest, relishing every heartbeat beneath his fingertips. He wanted to run outside and tell the world he’d come back. He slid out from beneath the covers and went to her side of the bed, kneeling there, just watching her sleep. He reached out, his fingers gently combing through her hair as it fanned across the pillow. He’d missed her so much, and now he had the chance to completely make things right.
“I love you, baby,” he whispered.
He tiptoed out of the room and hurried downstairs, grabbing his cell phone out of the charger. He walked outside, breathing in the fresh air deeply. He stared up at the grey storm clouds in the distance as he checked the battery on his cell phone before hitting speed dial. He leaned against the railing, noticing the sun trying to break through the clouds in the far distance.
“Blake!” he said as soon as the ringing on the other end of the phone stopped.
“Josh?” He heard the confusion in his older brother’s voice.
“That’s me, man.” Josh smiled. He wanted to pinch himself to assure that he was alive, that he was talking to his best friend on the phone and, even more important to him, upstairs in his bed, his beautiful girlfriend lay sound asleep, his son right where he was supposed to be.
“What’s going on?” Blake’s weary voice came through, and Josh realized he must have not had his morning coffee yet. He was barely functioning. “It’s early.” He heard a yawn.
“Yeah, it is,” Josh agreed. “Look, I can’t make the trip.”
There was silence on the other end, and he heard Blake move the phone. “Did you ask Avery?”
“Not yet, but I am. Today. That’s why I’m going to stay home. There’s a storm coming, and I want to spend today, just the two of us. I can delay the trip a few days at least. It’s not that important right now anyway.”
“Are you sure there’s a storm coming?”
Josh’s eyes drifted back to the clouds. The wind began to pick up. Why hadn’t he noticed any of this last time? He’d been so caught up in his own little world that any small sign Gabriel had been trying to give to urge him to stay home had been completely ignored. “Trust me, there is. I’ve got it on good authority.”
He made himself a cup of coffee, listening to the silence of the house. Everything was just like he’d left it. His duffel bag was still in the laundry room. The remote was still sitting on the couch. His cell phone was back beside Avery’s on the charger. He finished his coffee and headed back upstairs. He wished for a moment he could see Gabriel, to thank the man for whatever it was he’d done. There weren’t enough words to cover it. No thank you would ever be sufficient.
Josh crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up over him. He propped himself up on his elbow, almost giddy to be there and watch her sleep. “I missed you so much, Avery. I missed you being able to see me. Missed being able to touch you.” He saw her eyes flutter open.
“Josh? What are you…aren’t you leaving today?” She looked confused as she asked, and he saw her trying to see the time on the alarm clock.
“Nope. Not going anywhere.” He snuggled closer to her.
“Why not?”
“Something more important is going on here.” He slid his hand under the pillow, feeling the soft velvet box he’d brought upstairs with him a short while before. He couldn’t wait to ask her, to see her reaction to the ring. It was going to be completely out of nowhere. She wouldn’t be expecting anything like that right now.
Confusion filled her sleepy eyes as she looked up at him. “You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m sorry.” He leaned over and kissed her nose. “What do you think about me taking some time off? A year, maybe.”
Her face crinkled in confusion. “Josh? A year?” She touched his arm. “Are you okay?”
“Fine. Totally, completely fine. Just thinking about us, the three of us.”
“You’re drunk?” she suggested, searching his eyes.
Josh couldn’t help himself. He laughed and pulled her closer. “I’m in love. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and there’s a baby right here.” He rested his hand on her abdomen. “Who I love just as much as I love you.”
She blinked, glancing down at his hand for a moment before looking back at him. “What’s gotten into you?”
“I don’t know,” he lied. He reached up and smoothed her hair back, his fingers tangling in the silkiness as he tucked a strand behind her ear. “I’ve got something to ask you, okay?”
“All right.”
He pulled the box out from beneath his pillow. He saw her glance toward it, her lips parted slightly in surprise. He took a deep breath and looked in her eyes. The whole time he’d been away from her, he’d have given anything to have this moment, and here they were, their whole lives ahead of them. He smiled nervously, his heart beat picking up steam. “I love you so much, more than you’ll ever be able to understand. I want you to be my wife, I want us to get married.” He took a deep breath, the corner of his mouth curling up in a smile. “Will you marry me?”
She looked at him blankly for a moment, like she hadn’t quite fully understood. Maybe he should have waited till she was more awake, till she was a little more prepared for what he’d been about to ask. But he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to risk her going a minute longer without knowing how he truly felt about her, about them.
He sat up and opened the ring box. The slight creak of the box seemed unnaturally loud in the silence. “Avery?” He heard her breath catch in her throat as he picked up her left hand and slid the ring on her finger.
“Oh, boy.”
“Yes or no answer, sweetheart. And no really doesn’t work for this one.”
She lay there in silence, painful silence that had Josh doubting if he’d really picked the right moment to do this. Her face was expressionless, as if she still hadn’t fully woken up yet. Finally she pressed her lips together and glanced up at him. “This is because of the baby, isn’t it?” Her voice was soft as she asked.
He shook his head emphatically. “No, it’s because you’re the one I love.” His eyes bored into hers, searching for the answer to his question. He saw the worry fade away. He propped himself on his elbow. “I know how much you love me. I love you just as much, and this, us, is more right than you know.” He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers. “Don’t make me beg, sweetheart, but I will if I have to. Austin and I want us to be a family.”
Her questioning gaze met his. “Austin?”
He smiled sheepishly. The name had just spilled out. “I was thinking baby names the last little while.”
She looked at the ring on her hand, then back at him. “I love it, but that only works if we’re having a boy.”
“Trust me, we are.” He leaned closer to her. “You going to answer my question?” His heart couldn’t take much more of this. Wanting to hear her say yes. Wanting to know she felt the same way he did.
She reached up, wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him closer to her. “Yes,” she whispered against his lips. “I will absolutely marry you, Josh. I love you.”