Chapter 23
Gabriel had been trying to keep Josh’s mind occupied, trying to keep him from dwelling on the negative side of things for too long. They’d watched the sunrise off the coast of Australia that morning and not even a hint of a smile had crossed Josh’s face. The pain still radiated off his friend as fresh it had the day they’d met. He’d brought him to an empty outdoor patio, hoping that something would get him talking, but so far, there’d been nothing. Just a lasting quiet that was putting him on edge.
“How is she?” Gabriel was growing worried about Josh’s silence. It was too long, too deep. The sadness was clear in his eyes. In his movements. The fact that he was disobeying orders wasn’t what worried him. It was that he wasn’t taking care of himself, draining all his energy by sneaking visits and his worrying. Ironically it seemed he was the mirror image of Avery at the start of all of this, that recklessness that couldn’t be helped. That complete disregard.
He still didn’t understand that his feelings and thoughts all took energy, and the more negative, the more energy they took.
“She’s hurting.” Josh closed his eyes for a minute, biting his bottom lip before he shook his head and once again opened his eyes. It was like he was trying to dismiss a thought. “I worry about her.”
“You always have.”
“I always will.” Josh’s voice took on an angry tone. He sat down on the patio. “It’s just that I’m realizing I’ve truly lost her, Gabriel. I’ve lost her forever. Every plan I ever had for the two of us, they’ll never happen. Did they ever have a chance?” His voice was so serious as he rubbed his fingers on the tabletop as if trying to get out an imaginary mark that scarred the surface.
“They did.”
“Then why did I die? Why was I even driving right then? Why didn’t something step in and stop it?”
Gabriel studied Josh for a moment. Finally Josh lifted his gaze and met his own. “You had a small premonition, didn’t you?”
Josh frowned at his words. He forced his mind to think back, running over the events for what felt like the millionth time. He’d been through everything from the sound of the radio clicking on to the shower he’d taken to the fact that he hadn’t nicked himself shaving that morning considering he’d been in such a hurry. He did have a funny feeling when he was carrying the duffel bag to the door that morning, getting ready to leave, but he’d attributed that to leaving Avery alone for a few days. The first time he’d done that since they found out she was pregnant. And his thought to pull off the road if the weather got worse, well, that was just smart thinking wasn’t it? Something he unfortunately hadn’t been guilty of that day. “What do you mean?”
“You didn’t exactly listen to it.” A wave of sadness washed over Gabriel’s face. “There were inklings.”
“An inkling? That was my warning?” Josh spun on his heel and started to walk the length of the patio. “Some weird little feeling was supposed to be my big warning sign that, hey, if I go right now I’m going to die? You’re kidding me, right? This is some kind of cruel prank.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
This wasn’t possible. It was complete and utter bullshit if that was the case.
“Calm down,” Gabriel admonished, and Josh wondered if he could read his thoughts or if he’d spoken that last bit out loud.
Josh turned. “So now my dying is my fault. The hell it is.” He started to walk away but spun back around. “You know how much I want to go home. That’s all I want.” His shoulders shook with the emotion that he tried to keep back. It was like a tidal wave threatening to engulf him at any moment. “I want to be there with everyone. Do you know the most important days of my life aren’t ever going to happen? I’m never marrying Avery. I won’t be there with her for the birth of our son. I’ll never hold him.” His eyes narrowed as he took in Gabriel’s solemn expression. “I can’t believe any of this. You’re trying to tell me I knew? How could I have known anything and still gone? I wouldn’t have.”
“You’re not supposed to understand.”
Were those words meant to help? To soothe somehow? Erase the guilt that Josh felt every moment since he’d found out where he was and that he wasn’t going back? Josh tilted his head back, wishing his friend would simply leave him alone for a while. “Good, because I damn well don’t. Not now, not ever.”
***
Avery moved listlessly around Alec’s living room. Restless wasn’t even the word to describe her. Even a change of scenery hadn’t done anything to help settle her nerves. She felt ready to jump out of her skin, and she still didn’t understand why. She could feel Alec’s eyes on her as she walked around the room for what had to have been the third or fourth time. The first two she could have easily passed off as checking out the new painting on the wall or looking out the window. It was the other ones she couldn’t.
The sounds of the football game on the television stopped. “You okay over there, sweetheart?”
She nodded, suddenly embarrassed. She didn’t deserve all the attention and worry everyone had given her the last several months. “Fine, sorry.” She motioned to the television mounted on the wall and its frozen image. “I thought you wanted to watch the game.”
“Don’t worry about it. I can watch it later.”
“Still…” She cast a glance at the screen, at the football game frozen mid-play.
“Seriously, there are more important things in life. Now come on, talk to me.”
She looked at his expressive dark eyes filled with concern. She hated thinking she was making things harder on everyone else. It wasn’t right. She sighed as he patted the couch beside him. Obviously her pacing was worrying him. “It’s just…I don’t know. Just tired, I guess. Sleep isn’t happening much right now.” After what seemed like at least a month of actual restful sleep, her sleeplessness had returned. She was lucky to get two hours at a time. It seemed the baby sensed her unease, kicking her awake at random hours of the night, making it impossible for her to get any real sleep.
She figured she’d better prepare herself for that anyway. Once he was born, she doubted she’d sleep through an entire night again for a very, very long time.
“You want to crash upstairs? I’ve heard rumors my bed is pretty damn comfy.”
She laughed which made him smile. “Are you trying to get me upstairs?”
He smirked. “I think I am. You go sleep for a couple hours, then I’ll make us some dinner and we can watch some movies.”
“Do I look that tired?”
“A little.” He got to his feet and held out his hand to her. “Come on, Avery, a little nap might do you some good. I’ve got pajamas just waiting for you.”
“You’re making it hard to resist.”
“Good, then I’m succeeding.”
She followed him slowly up the stairs. The house was quiet. A different quiet than what she was used to. At home the quiet became uncomfortable, like she was always waiting for something to shatter it, a sound, a something that wouldn’t ever come.
Alec walked into his room and headed straight for the dresser across from the large king sized bed with the dark green comforter. He pulled a pair of dark blue pajama bottoms out and a simple matching t-shirt. “Do these work?”
“Perfect. Thanks.” She didn’t know what to say. She hated feeling like an imposition, someone that required constant supervision, but maybe she did. Things just didn’t seem right, like everything was on its own weird course since Josh had died. There was no way to explain it, but things felt odd.
He held the clothes out to her. “Go ahead and change in the bathroom. I’ll get the bed ready for you and close the blinds so you can sleep.”
She kissed his cheek as she took the clothes from him. “Thank you. For everything.”
He nodded. “Always, sweetheart. Now go change and we’ll see about getting you some real sleep.”
Alec watched his bathroom door close with a soft click, and he sighed to himself, rubbing the back of his neck. He closed the blinds, shutting out the bright midday sun trying to force its way into the room. He pulled the comforter back, glad he’d changed the sheets that morning. It might do her good to get away from home for a while, to be in a new environment, one that didn’t have that baggage attached to it. He unplugged the phone from the wall beside the bed to keep the room interruption free and took a survey around, wanting to remove anything remotely connected to Josh before it had a chance to upset her.
His gaze locked on a photo on the dresser, Josh’s smiling face beaming back at him, Avery crushed against his side while Alec stood on the other side of her. A friend’s wedding the summer before. They’d all teased each other about who in the circle would be the next one to get hitched. The odds had favored Josh at the time.
He heard the water running in the bathroom, and he quickly moved over, swiping the photograph off the dresser and setting it in the bottom of a dresser drawer, moving a pile of t-shirts over the top just to be extra sure.
The door opened and she peeked out anxiously. His heart skipped a beat at the meek expression on her face. She was the poster child for a lost little girl.
He waved to the bed. “All yours.”
“Thanks.” She padded over, setting her folded clothes on the other side of the bed before climbing in. He started to make for the door when she stopped him. “Alec, please don’t go yet. I’m not ready to sleep.”
He nodded in understanding and moved to the edge of the bed, taking a seat by her feet.
She folded the top of the comforter over her lap, glancing at him shyly. “This feels so awkward.”
“It shouldn’t really.”
She smiled a little. “It does though.”
“Blake said you named the baby.”
“Yeah. At least I think so.” She set her hand over the baby. “Can’t call him baby forever.”
“So what am I going to be calling my little nephew?”
“Austin.”
He smiled at how calm her face became when she said his name. A sense of peace seemed to take over. “Liking it a lot. What does baby think?”
“I think he likes it. He kicked the first time I said it.”
“Then I would guarantee that’s little Austin’s stamp of approval.”
“You think so?”
“Of course.” He stood up and walked around the bed, adjusting the comforter around her and fluffing the pillows. She giggled and slid lower in bed. He gave her a playful glare. “What’s so funny?”
“You.” She settled back. “Thanks.”
“For what?”
“Keeping me sane.”
He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Anytime. Now you get some sleep. Got it?”
“Got it.”
***
The dream began the same way it always did, with the sound of the baby waking her up. Sleepily she stumbled from her bedroom, tying her robe around her as she fought back a yawn and tried to wake up. The hallway was different, it never looked the same way twice. This time it branched out like a spider, identical hallways leading off to different rooms, each door closed. The baby’s cry seemed to echo down each corridor, making it impossible for her to tell where it was originating from.
She turned slowly in a circle. “Austin?”
The baby’s cry became louder from the hallway furthest to the left.
She started to move toward it. Her every step seemed to be in slow motion as if she were fighting through quicksand to move. Instead of the crying getting louder with each step like she expected, it grew softer and more distant as she neared, fading away to just a hint in the distance.
Her fingers gripped the door handle of the closed nursery door. She could hear murmurings on the other side, but nothing clear enough to distinguish who was talking. She twisted he door handle but nothing happened, it wouldn’t budge. She used both hands, but still nothing happened. She wiggled it. It didn’t seem locked, but it was as if some force held it shut, keeping her out.
She struggled with the door handle again as the baby wailed again. This time louder. More insistent. Closer.
“Austin,” she called, wrestling harder with the doorknob. “Austin, Mommy’s coming, baby.”
From the other side of the door the crying suddenly stopped, and she clearly heard Josh’s voice singing softly. “Josh?” She tried the door again as his singing seemed to fade. “Josh?” she yelled again, banging on the door. Suddenly it flew open, and she faced an empty room. No nursery furniture. No crib. And, most important of all, no Josh and no Austin.
“Avery?”
Avery forced her eyes open, her heart racing as she struggled for air, panic filling her. She pushed herself up in bed and found herself in an unfamiliar room. She blinked, trying to get her bearings, and remember where she was.
Alec stood at the foot of the bed, concern on his face as she sat up partially. For once she was more than happy to have someone hovering over her. At first she didn’t know where she was, but then it all came back to her—the afternoon out, the calm, peaceful nap she was supposed to have been taking in his room.
So much for that, she thought ruefully.
He handed her a bottle of water and she accepted it gratefully, taking a slow sip. Her mouth was as dry as a desert.
“You were shouting for Austin and Josh,” he said as he sat down on the other side of the bed.
She bowed her head, trying to stop the horrific images that kept playing through her mind, teasing and taunting her with possibility. She took another slow sip of the cold water, realizing how she felt and how the shirt she’d borrowed was sticking to her. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“I had a nightmare.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm down. She felt Austin move around, and she almost gave a weak laugh, wondering if her yelling for him and Josh had startled him awake too. From a quick peek at Alec, his hair mussed and his shirt wrinkled, she must have startled him from his sleep too.
“It’s okay, it’s over now.” He moved closer and put a reassuring arm around her shoulders. That was when she realized she was still shaking. The fear of another loss was always right there, simmering beneath the surface.
She tried to calm down, to concentrate on the good things, to erase those images that still wanted to reappear in her mind and make her remember the nightmares she’d been plagued with the last few weeks. It was a nightmare, a stupid little nightmare that had scared her to death. At least she’d woken up, thanks to Alec. She was free from it. Free except for the memories of it that remained.
She squeezed her eyes shut, willing them to go away.
“What was it about?” Alec’s voice was gentle as he asked.
She stayed silent a minute.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he said a moment later.
She shook her head. That wasn’t it at all. Maybe it was good to talk about the dream. She kept her eyes closed, glad when the images didn’t project themselves in front of her, making her relive the horrible images of an empty nursery or feel that hollowness, that sense of panic that had coursed through her veins. “It was horrible. I heard the baby crying, and I tried to get to him. I walked out of my bedroom and suddenly the hallway was bigger, like a maze branching off in every direction. His cry was bouncing off the walls. I didn’t know where to go.” She took a deep breath, fighting the swell of panic that started to rise all over again as if she were reliving it. “When I finally got to the room, the door wouldn’t open.” She shook her head, not sure about telling him the rest of it. About Josh and the emptiness. She cast a shy glance his way and found him watching her intently. “When I finally got the door open, he wasn’t there, it was empty. The nursery was empty.”
“It’s a dream, Avery. Not real. Look, see…” He patted her tummy, grinning when the baby kicked in immediate response.
“I know, it just felt so real.”
He studied her in silence. “This isn’t the first nightmare, is it?”
She hesitated.
“Come on, Avery,” he said gently. “I know it isn’t.”
How did he know about them? She reached for one of the pillows beside her and hugged it to her chest, needing something to hold onto. An inanimate object she could squeeze as tight as she needed to, something to get her frustration out on. “Who said anything about nightmares, plural?” She let out a deep breath, turning her head away so he wouldn’t see the truth in her eyes.
“I just did.” He sat in thought for a minute. She glanced at him. He was focused on some point across the room, lost in his own thoughts, no doubt. “Taylor told me about them. Makes sense you know…hormones and everything going on.”
She knew those late night texts to her best friend would come back to haunt her. No doubt she’d told everyone about them. Now she’d have roommates whether she wanted them or not. “Nothing makes sense anymore.”
“It will, some day.”
She let out a dry laugh and shook her head. “Nothing ever will.”
“Okay, so maybe nothing will,” he agreed. “But these nightmares are just nightmares.”
Then why didn’t they feel that way to her?
She bit her lip and clutched the pillow tighter. “What if something happens?”
“Avery…”
“I never expected to lose Josh, and we all know what that did to me before. What if it really hurt the baby, and they didn’t tell me? What if something goes wrong?” Because those nightmares, those horrific nightmares of no baby in the nursery or being in the hospital and there being no baby seemed terrifyingly real.
“You don’t know that. The doctors wouldn’t lie, sweetheart. Look, remember the last doctor’s appointment. Healthy little baby. And that baby needs you, Avery. He needs his mommy, and you need him, too.”
She squeezed the pillow tighter. “I needed Josh too, and where did that get me?”
“It got you Josh for as long as you had him.”
“It wasn’t anywhere near long enough,” she whispered, resting her head on the pillow. Her shoulders shook as she took a shaky breath, willing the thoughts away. Alec wrapped his arm around her, pulling her snug against him. She let his body heat warm her, the shivering slowly dissipating.
He leaned his head against hers. “I know what you mean. There’s so much I’d tell him, you know. All that time we wasted.” She lifted her head a little to see him looking right at her. “When you came into his life, we were all thankful because he changed somehow. He became the real Josh.” He smiled to himself. “He’d get this goofy look on his face every once in a while. That’s when we knew he was thinking about you.” He glanced at her. “You did a number on the boy, that’s for sure.”
They sat there talking for a while and he watched the worry slowly fade from her face, but he could still see something in her eyes he didn’t quite like. “Do you want to come downstairs for a while? We can see what movies are on.” He thought maybe a change of scenery might help.
She slid out of bed. “Actually, I think I’d just like to take a shower and go home.”
Alec hesitated. “Aves, it’s late…”
“I know, but I…” She sighed softly. “That nightmare wore me out and I’d feel better being in my own bed.”
He studied her for a minute, looking ready to debate that fact. If he knew about the other nightmares, he’d have a point that they happened everywhere, but still, her own bed, her own pajamas and her own ghosts of memories. Maybe she’d spend the night in the nursery. Just being in there might help take that sudden wash of fear away.
“All right, if you really want to. The shower’s all yours. Let me know if you need anything, okay?” He wrapped his arms around her in a hug. “And we’re stopping off for something on the way to your place, no arguments about it.”
She laughed softly and held him tight. “Deal. I love you, Alec.”
“Love you, too.” He kissed her cheek.
***
The rocking chair wasn’t as comfortable as Josh would have liked. Still, he sat there, rocking gently back and forth as he held the teddy bear against him. It held traces of Avery’s perfume on its pale fur, making him smile. “I get to be here when no one else is. How is this supposed to help me?”
Gabriel stood in front of the framed cartoon prints, studying him intently. “You’ll find a way.”
“A way to what? Make things go bump in the night?”
“Josh—”
“Yeah, I know. Bad joke.” A really bad joke. He plucked at the fur. “You know, I’d already planned the day we were bringing the baby home. I think I knew what I wanted to do the moment she told me we were having him.” He looked up to find Gabriel watching him intently. “I’d fill the house with flowers and balloons. Maybe even make one of those goofy ‘Welcome home, Mommy’ signs, you know? Then I’d get one of the guys to drive me there first thing in the morning so I could wake her up. She’d lecture me on doing too much as soon as she walked in the front door and saw everything. I’d lug this rocking chair into our room and we’d just hang out there, the three of us. The way it was supposed to be, you know?” Tears blurred his vision. “I just wanted to hold him, just hold them and watch them sleep.” His whole world in his arms. Two people who’d changed his life forever.
Gabriel walked across the room, looking out the blinds at the street below. Josh wiped his eyes and held the bear tighter. “I think they’ll do something nice when they bring her and the baby home.”
“Maybe. Or maybe they’ll think she doesn’t want any of it and leave her here alone, like I did.”
“Josh, this isn’t any of your fault.”
“Yeah? Then how come the damn panel won’t believe how much I need them? How much they need me? I promised Avery the day she told me she was pregnant that I’d be there for it all.” His shoulders shook as he fought to control his anger. “I broke that promise, G. The only promise I ever broke was the most important one.”
“Josh, listen to me, this is only hurting you.”
“Shouldn’t it?”
Gabriel sighed. “Yes and no.”
Josh stayed silent for a moment, letting Gabriel’s words hang in the air. He stared at the empty crib for a few moments. “Let’s not talk anymore, okay?” His expression went cold. “I just…I need some time in here alone, is that okay?”
Gabriel nodded his agreement. “That’s fine.”
Gabriel roamed through the house. He’d decided to give Josh his requested space and leave him alone upstairs in the nursery. He hadn’t really had much of a chance to see the house when he’d been there before. Josh preferred sticking to the kitchen and the bedroom or wherever Avery was at the time, and Gabriel didn’t like to hover nearby too much. The couple deserved some sort of privacy, even if they’d never know they had it.
He went into the living room and studied the framed photos they had out, an assortment of Josh with Avery, and Josh with his brothers at various events. A couple pictures had each of them by themselves through the last few years. He smiled at the light that was visible in Josh’s eyes in every picture of the two of them together, a light he’d never seen before.
A pair of headlights shone through the window before a vehicle turned into the driveway. He set the photo back down on the end table before he moved to the hallway so he could see what was going on. He hadn’t expected her to come home so soon.
***
Alec hung up her jacket in the closet before closing the closet door. The house was still bathed in darkness. She hadn’t even flicked on the hall light or the one going upstairs. He barely made out her silhouette over by the couch. “You sure you want to be here?”
“I’m fine here. It’s almost midnight.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just—”
“I’m a big girl. Totally fine on my own.”
He looked at her skeptically. On her own was one thing, fine was a completely different matter. He could crash on the couch or in the guest room upstairs. He didn’t need to go and leave her by herself after the day she’d had. Even knowing someone else was there…
“It’s just that you’re getting further along in your pregnancy…”
“I highly doubt Austin will have the sudden urge to come into the world tonight.” He heard the slightest trace of amusement in her voice.
“Don’t even say that, Avery. You’ll just give him ideas.” He walked over and put his hands over hers on her swollen belly. He smiled, feeling the baby move beneath his hands. “You stay right where you are, little one. Uncle Alec doesn’t need a heart attack tonight.”
She laughed and swatted his hands away. “Now get out of here before I have to kick you out.”
“All right, all right.” He backed up carefully, putting his hands in the air. “Show me some love and I’ll go.”
She gave him a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. “Good enough?” She hooked her arm through his as they made their way toward the door.
“Yeah.” He opened the door, a cool blast of evening air hitting them from the wind outside. He stepped out into the night air, buttoning up his coat. “I’m just a cell call away, okay?”
“Got it.” She smiled, leaning against the door and pressing one last kiss to his cheek. “I’m fine, really. Night, Alec.”
“Night.” He gave her one last hug before heading to his car. He heard the door shut behind him as he reached the driveway and then the quiet click of the lock.
Avery grabbed her tote bag from the couch and waited to see the headlights of Alec’s car play across the wall, telling her he’d actually left. She stood on the steps and smiled as they finally went by. Spending the day with Alec had tired her out, a good tired, she’d actually let herself relax and enjoy herself. It had been nice to be out again and not feel so cooped up in the house. Until that nightmare had reared its ugly head.
She headed up to her bedroom slowly, feeling the tiredness come over her again. That had to be normal, she reasoned as she walked into her bedroom and put her bag down on the armchair. She was getting later in her pregnancy which meant she didn’t have the same amount of energy as she normally would.
Josh saw her walk by the nursery door and quickly left the rocking chair, meeting Gabriel in the hallway. “She’s home.”
“I can see that,” Gabriel replied. He walked to the bedroom door and peeked inside before turning back to Josh. “Spend the night.”
“What?” Josh couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice. He’d been sure his friend was going to whisk him away the moment she came home.
“You stay with her tonight, okay?” Gabriel slowly faded away as he spoke.
A rush of relief and excitement hit Josh the moment he knew they were alone in the house. No one watching, no one listening to them. Just the two of them together like it always should have been. A lightness came over him as he walked into the bedroom to find her already in bed, the lights off and the smell of her favorite coconut lotion in the air.
He crawled into bed beside her and lay on his side of the bed. The familiar pain washed over him, wrapping around his heart like a fist. “I know you’re hurting, baby, and you wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for me.”
She rolled over and stared at his pillow, her fingers running lightly over it, just inches away from him. “I just wonder if you know…”
“Know what?” He watched her in the darkness. He’d give anything just to hold her again, to be able to touch her. He had almost forgetten how she felt in his arms, and that scared him more than he wanted to admit.
She sighed, moving around to get more comfortable. Her hand rubbed her stomach. “Shhh, baby, sleep. You’re just like your daddy.” Her gaze went back to the pillow, completely unaware he was lying against it.
Josh chuckled. “Keeping you up at night, huh? But, Aves, what are you saying?”
“You never knew how much I loved you, did you, Josh?” She closed her eyes. “There was so much we should have done, things I should have said.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He paused, reaching his hand out to cover hers, mere millimeters separating the two. “I wanted us to be planning our wedding and doing things for the baby.” His body started to shake as he spoke, trying so hard to keep back the tears and the emotion that threatened to overwhelm him at times. “The hardest thing is knowing that someday you’re going to move on. You’re going to find someone to love who's going to love you back just as much. God, how do I deal with that? How do I let go of the only woman I ever really loved?”
As he lay there and watched her drift off to sleep, he wondered if he ever really could.