Chapter 6
Josh had never been so nervous in his life. He stood with Gabriel in that long marble hallway that was becoming all too familiar to him. The white was still blinding no matter how many times he saw it. He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously, wishing he knew the magic words to say that would somehow convince the panel to do the right thing and send him back.
He kept rising up on tip toe then rocking backward on his heels. The nervous energy flowing through him seemed unstoppable.
Gabriel gave him a sympathetic look and moved closer to him. “It will be a panel of two. You have to make sure you tell them everything. Your friends. Your family. The baby. Avery. Don’t assume they know anything.”
“Okay.” He rose up on tiptoe again. What he wouldn’t give to just run off this energy somehow…to get rid of the nerves once and for all. He’d never had to do something so important before. So much was riding on one little conversation.
“I’ll be there to answer a couple questions on your behalf. You won’t be alone, Josh.”
“Thanks.” Josh stared down the hall to where the meeting was to take place. Please, please let me go back. That was all he wanted, that was all that was in his mind, his heart.
Within moments the door to the room opened, and a man in a suit appeared. “We’re ready for you now.”
“Here we go,” Josh mumbled. He took a moment to clear his head before he headed down the hall, Gabriel right behind him.
The room was smaller than the one he’d been in before, which didn’t help him from feeling claustrophobic. One of the men and the woman from the first panel sat behind another glass and chrome table, their faces equally blank and emotionless as they were the first time he’d met them. He wondered if they ever showed a single emotion, their faces were that inscrutable.
Josh said his hellos and waited for Gabriel to give him a hint of what to do. He stood there solemnly, his hands clasped in front of him as he waited.
“Has he had a chance to review everything so far?” the man asked, his attention completely on Gabriel.
Josh turned to Gabriel, keeping his voice low. “What are they talking about?”
“Not at this time,” Gabriel answered, not looking at Josh. He turned slightly toward him. “There’s a review of your life. We probably should have done that, but you spent so much time…” He kept his voice equally low, his expression showing his sudden concern.
Josh frowned, not getting it. What was there to review? He knew what he’d done in the last twenty-nine years, and nothing had been more important than being with Avery. “That’s okay, we’ll wing it.” He really didn’t have any other choice.
Gabriel chuckled, and a big smile crossed his face. “That’s a good term. Wing it. I like that one.”
Gabriel moved to the two chairs across the room and motioned for Josh to take a seat. Josh followed and took the seat on the left, taking a moment to get comfortable. He had a feeling this was going to take a while, but he didn’t care how long it took or what they wanted to show him or even what they wanted to ask. He’d do anything he had to in order to get back where he belonged.
“What do you have to go back for?” the woman asked, her tone bored as she barely even glanced toward Josh. It seemed like she was following a script.
He shifted in his seat, his nervous energy getting the better of him. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his legs, trying to keep from jumping out of the chair. “Everything.” He paused. Gabriel seemed to want him to say more, urging him with his eyes. The panel just looked at him, waiting. “I left a lot of things unfinished.”
“What sort of things?” the man asked.
“I never proposed to my girlfriend. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my family. My brothers are my best friends, they have been since we were kids. There were things I needed to say and do that I never got around to doing.”
The man on the panel wrote something down.
“His girlfriend is expecting a baby,” Gabriel added, shooting him a look.
“A baby?” The man looked back at his paper in front of him, and Josh wondered, if they were supposed to be all knowing, how they didn’t know that.
He’d been about to tell them about the baby and Avery. How they were his absolute everything. Nothing else mattered to him besides his family. The pain Avery felt, he felt. Could anyone else say that?
“She’s three months along. Her first sonogram or whatever it’s called is next week. Tuesday. We booked the appointment so we’d be able to go together.”
The panel looked at each other before going back to scribbling down notes.
Josh glanced at Gabriel. This wasn’t going well, he could feel it in his entire being. Shouldn’t there be more questions? Shouldn’t he have more to say? What could he say? He needed to go back, his family needed him. Avery needed him. They should know that if they knew anything about him at all.
Gabriel wasn’t paying attention to him or to the panel. Instead he studied his hands, his head down, expression shielded from Josh. Josh wanted to nudge him, to ask for advice on what to do, but he didn’t. Some part of him wouldn’t ask for help. He needed to do this himself. He had to rely on his own instincts. Somehow he’d gotten himself into this. He would be the one to get himself out of it.
“She’s my world,” Josh added. “The best day of my life was the day we met. She needs me, just like I needed her. This isn’t good for her, for the baby. She cries constantly. She isn’t sleeping well. My brothers are trying to look out for her, but they aren’t me. No one can take my place.”
He wished he could wave his hand like they did and bring up a scene on the wall to illustrate his point. Almost wondering if he could, he casually moved his hand, glancing over toward the glaring white wall, but it remained the same, not even a hint of the slightest change.
Gabriel finally met his gaze and nodded. Was that a sign of approval? Was he finally saying the right thing? Josh hoped so. The panel didn’t seem to look at him. Were they even paying attention to the things he said or were they simply going through the motions? They were so detached he couldn’t get a solid read on anything.
The questions slowly continued, but nothing of any importance that Josh could see. The urgency in him to get home began to turn to frustration, and he knew his answers were showing it. Finally they dismissed him and Gabriel with a simple hand motion so they could discuss matters in private. Josh couldn’t help feeling confused and easily dismissed.
Out in the hall, he waited till the door shut to look at Gabriel a few feet ahead of him. The man was always cool and calm, like nothing had ever bothered him. “How long have you been here?” He’d guess quite a while from his behavior.
Gabriel looked thoughtful. “To be honest, I’m not sure. Once you’ve been here awhile, time becomes less and less important. There are more important things to focus on.”
Josh couldn’t begin to imagine not knowing how long he’d been up there. He could keep track just by what was going on in Avery’s life. How far along her pregnancy was. It had only been a matter of days. The blink of an eye, really. Was Gabriel simply trying to placate him by saying that time wasn’t important, or had he honestly been there so long he forgot what it was like to be amongst the living? Josh had the feeling the panel sure as heck had. He wondered idly if they’d ever lived at all. Known love. Known what it was like to build a whole world around someone. Everything in his life had become centered around Avery.
Josh walked down the hallways, hands deep in his pockets. Idly he wondered how long they were going to take. What all did they have to review? He felt like they’d barely asked anything. They didn’t know anything about him, about his love for Avery and all his hopes for the future. The way he was so looking forward to becoming a father. The way he felt when he was with Avery, that he’d finally found his other half. He’d thought that stuff was only in books and badly written movies, soul mates and falling in love at first sight, but then it had happened to him and he’d never been happier. It was like he suddenly understood what love truly was and everything else, every other relationship he’d ever had paled in comparison to her.
***
“We’ve come to a decision,” the man leading the panel announced as Josh walked back into the room, Gabriel trailed closely behind.
Josh risked a look at Gabriel. His guide was silent, stoic and completely unreadable. If he had any inkling of what was going on, he wasn’t about to share it with him. “And?” Josh waited, his hands fisting as he waited to hear the words he prayed to hear.
The man met Josh’s gaze for a long moment before breaking the look. “I’m afraid we have to turn down your case.”
Josh stumbled at the realization of the words, but quickly righted himself. “Excuse me? What? Why?” He stared at the panel in disbelief. Neither showed a trace of emotion.
“You had some valid reasons, but you didn’t fight hard enough.”
The words hit him like a punch to the gut. Josh’s hands fisted again tighter. “Didn’t fight hard enough?” His voice rose. “What do you mean? What was I supposed to have done?” He faced Gabriel. “What didn’t I say that I should have? I love Avery, she’s my life. I want to see our baby.”
“You can still see the child. The same way you’ve seen Avery and your family.”
If those words were meant to be a comfort, they weren’t. They did nothing but make it seem like a dagger to Josh’s heart.
“That’s not the same, and you know it.” He was shouting now, a shout that seemed awfully hollow in that marble room, like somehow it was muting him, diminishing his anger as he tried to let out all the emotion that had pent up inside.
“I’m afraid, Josh, your outburst has no relevance. Besides, you’ve become quite adept at managing to make both Avery and Blake hear you and feel your presence. I would think that should offer you some comfort.”
Comfort? They had the nerve to think that was some sort of comfort to him?
Gabriel moved closer. Josh could feel him trying to reach out with that serene calmness, but Josh pushed it away. He wanted to revel in his anger, in the fact he could still feel something while it seemed like everyone around him couldn’t. “Leave me alone, Gabriel.”
“Let’s go.” Gabriel turned to the panel. “Thank you for your time.”
Josh couldn’t believe his ears as he headed for the door. Thank you? For what? There was nothing to thank them for.
Gabriel waited till the door shut behind them to turn to Josh. “You need to cool down.”
Josh wanted to punch a wall. Throw something. Hit something. Anything to get this anger out of his system. So much for that rest in peace line. There wasn’t any peace and he certainly didn’t want to be resting. He wanted to be alive, back to his life with the people he loved most.
He didn’t want to see Gabriel’s attempt at understanding or listen to him trying to rationalize things. There wasn’t anything rational about keeping him there, holding him hostage while the woman he loved suffered without him.
And she was suffering.
He didn’t care if they didn’t see it. He did. He knew her. He knew everything about her. Every movement, every nuance, every little quirk. He knew she was dying inside. She was trying so hard to hold on, but every day part of her slipped away, longing to be with him.
Gabriel moved in front of him, clearly trying to get him to speak.
He felt that pull in his chest. Avery. He could hear her voice, low and mumbling, distorted just enough he couldn’t understand her words, but her pain ran through him stronger than his own.
“Josh,” Gabriel began, “I found a place for us to go.”
Josh waved him away. “I just need some time on my own right now.” He caught the worried expression on his friend’s face. “I’m fine, what trouble can I get into anyway?” he argued, not wanting to hear an answer.
“If you’re sure.” Gabriel hardly sounded convinced.
Josh started to walk away. “I am.”
***
Fresh from her doctor’s appointment with her new best friend, Blake, she’d asked him to go to the cemetery right after. She’d felt a pull to go to Josh, to be able to talk to him like she used to. She knew she’d shocked him with her request, but she hadn’t been ready to go home yet. For some reason, after seeing the baby for the first time, she just needed to be where Josh was, even for a few minutes.
They walked in silence up to the spot where Josh was. “I’ll give you some space.” Blake squeezed her hand and started to walk away.
The bench the guys had bought had already been installed. A simple slate gray granite with a back rest. She brushed the dust off the bench and sat down, her eyes locked on the spot where the headstone was going to go. How could she go from an hour ago seeing the life they’d created, listening to the racing heartbeat, to being here, with this being as close to Josh as she’d ever get again.
She kept trying to picture the headstone that would rise above his grave, the angels carved into the stone. Blake had showed her the picture of what they’d ordered that morning. She couldn’t imagine his whole life summed in a handful of words. Beloved Son, Brother, Friend. Four words that didn’t come close to the truth.
Didn’t capture what they’d all lost.
She rubbed the back of her neck tiredly. She hated thinking that one day she’d bring their son there, that this was as close as he’d ever get to his father.
“Are you here, Josh?” Everything was so still all of a sudden, as if the world had gone silent waiting for her to speak. Part of her wished she’d see him walking toward her. Even if it would just be her imagination playing tricks on her, she didn’t care.
“I guess I’m hoping you’re here, that you’re somewhere, and you can hear me.” She smoothed the coat over her lap, picking at a loose thread on the seam. “Today was the second doctor’s appointment. Baby’s fine.” She stopped and took a deep breath, daring another glance over. Why didn’t it feel real? Shouldn’t it have felt real if he was really gone? A sigh fell from her lips. “So the baby’s fine, perfect health apparently. Even got the first baby picture.” She pulled the small photo out of her jacket pocket, straightening out the small crease that had appeared since she’d put it there a short time earlier. A breeze went by, calm and gentle. “You were right, it’s a boy.” She put the picture down on the bench beside her. She pressed the picture down as a strong gust of wind came up, the corner of the sonogram lifting like someone was trying to lift the photo out from under her fingers. She smiled, wanting to somehow believe that it was Josh trying to get a look at his son.
Josh sat down beside her on the bench, his fingers next to hers on the sonogram picture. He didn’t know what to feel. A mix of elation and sadness tore through him. A boy. He’d known it somehow from the very first moment she looked at him sheepishly, saying there was something she had to tell him. He remembered the way her voice had faded out once he heard her say pregnant. The way he’d pulled her on his lap and hugged her so tightly, so happy, so full of love at that moment. He’d thought he had everything he’d ever want and need right there in his arms.
He pulled his fingers away from the photograph, his gaze drawn toward the grave for a moment. It was strange to have his own name staring back at him from a headstone, knowing that there was a chance, the slightest chance that this could all be erased in a moment, that it would be nothing more than a bad memory burned into his mind for all time.
“Don’t cry, please, Avery.” His eyes stayed on the sonogram. The first pictures of his son, the son who would never know his father. “I was supposed to come back to you…today…baby, I failed. I couldn’t make them understand how much I need you. How wrong this whole situation is.” He shut his eyes. “They don’t know how much the two of us lost.” He shook his head. “The three of us,” he corrected himself. Two people who meant the world to him, and he’d never get the chance to meet one of them. To know what it was like to hold his newborn son. He bowed his head, wishing he’d somehow been able to make them understand. Couldn’t they feel his pain, her pain? The anguish that never seemed to leave him at all.
***
Alec looked at Blake, wondering if this was really as good an idea as his brother believed. On one hand he agreed that it belonged to her and that it was from Josh, so of course she should have it. But on the other, it was just a bigger reminder of what she’d lost. What could have been and never would be. Did she really need that reminder right now? How much could she take without breaking? She was trying to put up a good front, but he saw the truth in her eyes.
“Are you sure?” The black velvet box on the table held a whole lifetime of promises inside. Promises that would never be fulfilled.
“It’s her ring, she should have it,” Blake argued.
“I just don’t know if she could take it,” Alec said, voicing his inner thoughts as he pushed the box away from him. “She’s still so emotional.” This was all so fresh to all of them. Not that it wouldn’t get better in time, the pain would always be there, especially for her, but…
“Pregnant women usually are,” Blake reasoned. “Josh would want her to have the ring. You know he would.”
He ignored the fresh stab of pain his brother’s name caused and bowed his head, his gaze drawn back to the box in question. Deep inside he knew Josh would want her to have that ring, would want her to know just how he truly felt about her. He was just scared all of this was too soon for Avery. She’d had no time to deal with anything and now the emotions that this was sure to stir up…
“When are you planning on giving it to her?”
Blake picked up the box. “Their anniversary’s this weekend. I thought then, just like he originally planned, unless you think it would be too much?”
Alec’s gaze went back to the box. He’d heard all about Josh’s plans for the weekend. How he’d planned everything down to the last detail. All the ideas Josh had shot down as not being good enough or perfect enough. He bowed his head. “I have a feeling that’s exactly what he’d want.”
***
Gabriel kept his distance and stayed across the room. He had the constant feeling he was intruding just being there, let alone watching the two of them unbeknownst to anyone for a few moments. The way Josh looked at her, his expression a mix of hope and sadness, actually hurt Gabriel, something he would have thought impossible. Yet there was a clawing pain in his chest every time Josh realized he couldn’t reach out and touch her or when he’d answer her questions, knowing she’d never hear his voice but still did it anyway. Gabriel supposed it was an effort to keep his sanity that he spoke like one day she would, that the bond between the two was so strong the distance between them didn’t matter in the least. The connection between Josh and Avery was still there, a link that didn’t lessen no matter how much time passed. Gabriel hadn’t seen anything like it before. Josh was able to feel her pain almost like a physical blow, which wasn’t good for either of them. He wasn’t sure his young friend would be able to stand it if she ever did move on. But Josh continuing this downhill behavior wasn’t helpful, either.
Gabriel knew it was time to pull Josh away and take him back, take him home, a place he knew Josh saw as more of a prison than anything else. He cleared his throat, stepping forward and becoming visible to his young charge. “It’s time, Josh.”
Josh’s head bobbed, a barely perceptible nod, not looking at him. “Just give me a minute, okay? She’s almost asleep.” Josh raised his blue eyes to meet his. “She fell asleep a little easier tonight.”
“I noticed.” He wondered if it had been because Josh had been right beside her, singing softly and stroking her hair back as she lay there.
Josh seemed startled by Gabriel’s words. “She’s so peaceful when she’s sleeping.” He knew he needed to try and attempt some distance. It wasn’t going to be easy, not when the only way he felt like himself was when he was with the ones he loved most.
“There is a way you can be with her once.”
Josh froze at the words, taking a moment to let them sink in. Seriously? It was too much to hope for. He knew Gabriel wouldn’t say something like that and not mean it. It was one bit of hope, one thing to hold onto in this never-ending nightmare. “How?”
“You can go into her dreams. Well, she’ll believe it is a dream, but it isn’t. It won’t be. You’ll be there as much as you ever were in life.”
“I want to do that. I need to do that. When? How? How soon can we—”
“Not right now. You need to prepare yourself, Josh. It’s not an easy thing to do. To expend that much energy for a given time period, it will weaken you after.” He looked solemn. “I need to be honest with you, there’s a significant risk involved in such things.”
Josh understood. “I get that. And I know you probably don’t think it’s the wisest thing for me to do.”
Gabriel gave the slightest nod of his head. “I understand your reasoning.”
“Good. Do I get to pick when I do?”
“Of course.”
That was a relief. “The day Blake gives her the ring.” For the first time he truly felt a sense of calm overtake him. Just a few short days and he’d have a chance for what he wanted most.