Chapter 8
The sun peeked through the curtains, casting a harsh line of sunshine across the bed. Avery rolled over, trying to hide from the light of day. She wanted so desperately to cling to the last remnants of sleep, to the last few moments she’d had with Josh. She buried her face against his pillow, squeezing the cool fabric tight in her hand. That dream had been so real, so vivid. She didn’t want to open her eyes and break the illusion that it had actually happened. The first dream she’d had of Josh since he’d died and it had been more real than she’d ever expected.
The more she tried to hold onto it, the farther away it seemed and the more awake she started to become. She blinked her eyes open, trying to force herself awake as she saw the time on the alarm clock. Almost noon. How could she have slept that long? She had a lunch date with Taylor in the middle of the afternoon. She’d wanted to take Avery out the day before, but that had been the last thing she’d wanted. Not on their anniversary. So Taylor had come by for a couple hours under the pretense of keeping her company and just hanging out. Avery was beginning to recognize a part time baby sitter when she saw one.
She stifled back a yawn as she ran a hand over her hair and slowly sat up in bed. There was something different about the room. The fogginess of sleep quickly left her as she noticed the candles on the dresser. They hadn’t been there when she went to bed, she was sure of it. She pushed the comforter aside and caught sight of the ring sparkling up at her from her left hand.
It was real. He’d been there.
She hurried out of bed and moved around the room, needing to see the signs up close. She picked up one of the candles, the wick burned down to the bottom. It had been brand new on her shelf. She took a deep breath, scanning for any other signs. Her gaze landed on the pajamas he’d worn now lying on the chair near the window.
“How could you just leave like that?” She turned around, almost expecting to find him there. She swore she still felt him in the room. It was like a cruel game of hide and seek, forever seeking and never finding.
“Why don’t you let me say goodbye anymore, Josh?” She moved the pajamas and set them on her lap as she sat down on the armchair. It seemed closer to the bed than she remembered. Had Josh sat there a few hours before? Absently she rubbed the silk of his pajama top between her fingers, the softness somehow soothing her. She didn’t know how long she sat there, staring at the bed but not really seeing anything. It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t logical, she kept telling herself. Yet the ring still sat on her hand. The candles were burned. She rubbed her forehead. What she wouldn’t give for something to make sense. Anyone would think she was crazy. Josh couldn’t just appear out of nowhere, let alone…
She slid the button down pajama shirt over her thin nightshirt. The scent of him still clung to the fabric. She could have been sleep walking, put the candles on herself, put the ring on her finger. Yet her heart kept telling her no. Everything had happened. Not a dream or a fantasy borne out of grief, but real. As vivid, real as it ever had been between the two of them.
Needing to hear his voice again, she picked her phone up off the nightstand, feeling like she was on autopilot as she went through the steps to retrieve her voicemails. For a moment, panic flooded her as she scrolled, not seeing his messages anywhere. Please be there, please, she pleaded silently. She closed her eyes. She’d been listening to them every night before she went to bed, his voice somehow calming her enough that she could fall asleep without having to resort to crying herself to sleep when the exhaustion was just too much to bear.
The sound of an incoming text startled her, and she jumped, looking down at the screen. She sighed as she saw Taylor’s name on the screen with a reminder she was coming to take her out for a late lunch. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go. Somehow she figured her friend would see something had changed in her, and Avery couldn’t quite explain it. How could she when she wasn’t even sure she understood it all herself? But the proof was right there, the ring was still on her hand, and she hadn’t put it there herself. She hadn’t even had the nerve to open the box to see what was inside the night before. She’d left it inside the closet on one of Josh’s shelves. And she wasn’t a sleepwalker, so that ruled that out. She rubbed her temples as she checked the time again. There was no way to say no to her best friend. Taylor wouldn’t take no for an answer.
She grabbed some clothes out of the closet, not even paying much attention to which t-shirt she grabbed or that the jeans were a pair she’d actually be able to get into. She turned the radio on for company, wanting to hear something besides the silence of the house while she tried to wrap her mind around the events of the night before and how she was going to explain the sudden appearance of an engagement ring on her hand.
***
“How are you feeling?” Gabriel’s concerned voice penetrated his thoughts.
Josh opened his eyes, lifting a hand to shield them from the sun overhead. He squinted, taking in his new surroundings. Gone was his familiar bedroom, his beautiful fiancée asleep beside him. Now he lay on a lounger in some type of gauzy cabana on a beach somewhere. Through the fabric he could see nothing but beige sand and bright azure blue water beyond that, as far as the eye could see.
He wondered how long he’d been lying there. It seemed like days at least. He was so drained, it seemed to take all his strength to just open his eyes and lift his hand. “Exhausted but happy.” There was a peacefulness over him, a calm that even Gabriel hadn’t managed to give him before. In his heart he knew he’d done the right thing, that little tug he always had to Avery was still there, but it wasn’t as painful, as tight. It was lighter somehow.
Gabriel nodded. “I told you it was draining. And you stayed so long…” Josh noted the line of concern that creased Gabriel’s forehead as he spoke.
“I couldn’t leave before I knew she was asleep. I couldn’t hurt her like that.”
“It was a big risk.”
“It was the right thing to do.” He wouldn’t let anyone convince him otherwise. He took a moment before getting up, surprised he did feel a little lightheaded. If that was the biggest side effect, he’d gladly accept it. For as much peace as he felt, he’d never forget the calm in Avery’s eyes. The love he saw there. He knew now that she realized how much she’d meant to him, how much she was loved.
Gabriel walked alongside Josh down the deserted stretch of beach. The sun shone brilliantly overhead, reflecting brightly off the water that surrounded them. The waves crashed the shore in a steady rhythmic motion. The whole setting was beautiful, like something off a postcard. He was sure it was a place Josh would enjoy. That was why he had picked it, yet they’d been in silence ever since he’d gotten Josh to his feet. He figured the one place Josh would be able to recharge the quickest would be the beach. The younger man had been enamored with the water all his life. He was sure Josh would be able to regain his strength from the surroundings. He wished for something to draw Josh out of his shell. It wasn’t good for him to stay so quiet, so lost in his own thoughts. Just because he was no longer in physical form didn’t mean that his thoughts couldn’t hurt him.
“I think they’re going to talk with you soon.” There was no need to explain that they meant the panel.
Josh slowed, lifting his head slightly. “About what?”
“You’re spending too much of your time down here with Avery.”
Josh shook his head, defiance crossing his face. “What exactly should I be doing? Sitting around up there, twiddling my thumbs? Waiting for some supreme being to decide my fate when we all know it wasn’t my time? At least here I can look after her…watch her…”
Not let her go. Gabriel kept his distance from his charge. What he needed was to find a way for Josh to realize he wasn’t just hurting himself but her too. It was what was making her so upset. Somehow she was sensitive enough, their bond strong enough, to not only pick up Josh’s energy but also his turmoil, the sea of emotions that radiated off him like a hurricane.
“She has people for that, Josh, and her own angels of sorts watching over her.”
“What are you saying? That I’m not allowed to see Avery anymore?” Josh’s eyes blazed a piercing shade of blue that seemed to mirror the water crashing the shore.
“No. Not at all,” Gabriel was quick to reassure him, although to be honest he wasn’t sure what the panel had planned. He just sensed something in the air, a change that wasn’t what Josh would perceive as in his best interests. “I do think, however, you should be prepared for whatever it is they are going to tell you when we go back. I’m not sure they’re happy with what you did last night.” In fact, if his senses were right, they weren’t the least bit pleased he’d decided to not only appear to her, something that was only allowed when approved by the council, but to take it as far as he had. There would be definite repercussions.
Josh spun around, facing the way they’d come. Not a single footstep was visible, like each one had been erased by the waves, if they’d ever existed in the first place. It seemed like his plan to soothe Josh and help him recharge had only had the opposite effect and riled him up. “The fact she saw me? Or what we did?”
“I’m not sure it’s allowed—”
“There wasn’t a guidebook telling me not to make love to my fiancée one last time. All you said was it would be like I was alive. So I made the most of it. That was the last time I’ll ever be able to hold her. They already decided I won’t be going back, so they can damn well live with it.”
Perhaps that wasn’t the best tactic to get through to him with. He tried another approach. “Just be mindful of your energy. It took a lot out of you and it will take you awhile to recover. You want to be able to be with her when she has the baby. Keep that in mind, if you start to feel drained, pull back a little and keep in mind what’s important. Being with Avery when she really needs you to be.”
***
Avery knew her best friend was worried. Her expression across the table shouted it loud and clear. Taylor evidently thought she’d gone crazy. She’d think so, too, if she heard the words that had just spilled out of her mouth. She hadn’t quite meant to confide so much, but it was just so unreal to her. All these little coincidences, the cool drafts, the feel of someone in bed beside her. The knowing she’d heard his voice, never mind what had happened the night before, the solid, undeniable proof of that sat front and center on her ring finger.
Taylor blinked, the first movement she’d made since Avery had finished speaking and reached for her drink, taking a long sip. Likely trying to carefully pick her words. “What are you saying?
Avery refolded the linen napkin beside her plate, suddenly self conscious. Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut. That probably would have been the wisest choice. She was an idiot at times. The lack of sleep was catching up with her, taking away her ability to think properly. All she needed was for her closest friend to think she was crazy, gone off the deep end in her grief. She mirrored Taylor and took a long sip of her chilled water. “There’s just strange things happening lately. Almost like he’s trying to show me he’s here.”
Taylor pressed her lips together, avoiding her gaze. “Maybe you’re seeing things,” she said softly, almost as if she didn’t want to tell her what she was really thinking, that Avery’s imagination was getting the better of her. Someone had cranked up the air conditioning and she hadn’t noticed. The mattress had dips in it naturally. There were a myriad of excuses.
“Taylor! I think I’d know if Josh was sending me signs.”
She knew what her best friend was thinking. That Avery just wanted to see things. That this was a coping mechanism her mind had drummed up to help her through this somehow. But she knew what she saw, knew what she felt. That cold chill hadn’t been around her before this happened, but every time she started to cry, it wrapped around her like an icy cocoon trying to comfort her, just like Josh would do if he was really there. There was no way it was all in her mind, this wasn’t some twisted delusion of a woman trying to cling to her boyfriend. This was really happening to her. She knew deep down what it all was. It was Josh.
“How are you feeling?” Taylor asked, obviously deciding that changing the subject was better than continuing down the road they were on.
Avery sighed, wishing she had someone to talk to that would understand and wouldn’t think her nuts. “Tired.” She took another sip of her water and looked out the window at the pedestrians passing by outside. Suddenly she wished they’d opted to sit out on the patio where she could lose herself in the warmth of the sun beating down on her. “But I’m sleeping.”
“Did the doctor say anything?”
“Baby’s healthy. I’m healthy. I just need to relax and try to think happy thoughts.” She rolled her eyes, remembering how condescending she’d thought that sounded at the time. “I wouldn’t need to relax if he wasn’t gone.”
“I know…” Her friend’s voice trailed off as her gaze fell on Avery’s hand. “You found the ring?” A genuine smile crossed Taylor’s face, and for the first time Avery noticed the dark circles and bags under her friend’s eyes. Had she been so wrapped up in herself she hadn’t seen the sadness and grief in everyone around her?
She twirled the ring around her finger, watching the overhead lights catch the diamond, making it sparkle. “Blake brought it over last night.” She decided to keep the rest of the story to herself. “Kind of foolish to wear it, though, an engagement ring with no engagement.”
Taylor reached across the table and squeezed her hand tightly. “I think Josh would love the fact his ring is finally where it belongs, with the woman he loved.”
***
Even though Gabriel had warned him, the summons by the panel still came as a surprise. He wasn’t quite sure what to expect or make of things. He was still tired, but he’d been given a gift. A memory. A chance for her to know how he’d really felt, what he’d wanted for them. He’d needed her to know, didn’t want her to ever doubt the love he’d had for her.
Josh shifted his weight as he stood in that same marble room. As many times as he was there, he couldn’t get used to it. The marble had a coldness to it he didn’t like. There was nothing but the same shiny material everywhere. Floor, walls, ceiling. The only thing different was the glass and chrome desk the panel occupied, and he’d prefer to keep from looking at their expressionless faces as much as possible.
The shorter man at the table went back to his notes. Maybe he’d been elected speaker for this meeting. Josh shoved his hands in his pockets, wishing they’d just get on with things. He’d prefer to be back on the beach where he’d woken up, or, even better yet, at the house waiting for Avery to come home. He’d seen the text messages on her phone the night before that Taylor was taking her out for lunch.
“Josh, what you did last night—”
“Actually, your behavior of late has been rather unruly,” the woman interjected, leaning forward and staring right at Josh.
“No one’s told me what I could or couldn’t do,” he defended himself, standing his ground.
“Well, then it’s time we do. You cannot visit her anymore.”
All sense of feeling fell away from Josh at that moment. He couldn’t have heard what he thought they’d said. He opened his mouth, trying to find the words, trying to find the right reaction and not the wrong one, the one that would surely get him kicked out of this supposedly serene afterlife. “Why not?” His voice was suddenly as devoid of emotion as any member of that panel in front of him.
“What you did last night…it crossed a line that’s never, ever meant to be crossed.”
“I needed her to know I was all right.”
“We understand that, but there are other ways, other—”
“No, you don’t understand, and that’s the whole damn problem. If Avery kept worrying like she was, something would have happened to the baby.” He knew that as well as he knew her eyes were green, flecked with the tiniest flecks of gold, and her favorite color was the palest blue. That her favorite junk food was nachos with extra salsa, and he could win her heart by bribing her with red licorice.
“Still, that doesn’t mean you two were allowed—”
“You’re punishing me for that? You take away my life and won’t allow me to go back, even after you tell me repeatedly that it wasn’t my time.” He shook his head in frustration, his emotions too much to hold in anymore. The dam he’d built up to keep everything back had given way, and the panel was about to hear everything he’d kept inside. “You’re seriously punishing me for having one last night with her? To take some of her pain, her grief away for a few hours? To let her heal just a little bit? Where’s the justice in that?” They wanted her to suffer? Was that what they would have preferred?
“Control yourself, or you will be thrown out of this room and banned from ever seeing anyone.” The woman’s voice turned as glacial as the stare she leveled on him.
Josh wanted to throttle the woman. What was her problem? What did she have against him? Had she never loved someone before? Maybe not, considering her behavior.
Gabriel’s touch on his shoulder caused a rush of calmness to push through him, though it warred with the anger that raged inside. Combined, it dulled his emotions down to a stubbornness he’d never felt before. Gabriel leaned in, his voice low. “Calm yourself, Josh. They mean that threat. You will never see the baby if you keep on like this.”
Josh stood rooted to the spot as the words sank in. The woman on the panel glared, almost challenging him to open his mouth. One more word and he’d be spending eternity alone.
Her look cut through him as if she’d heard Gabriel’s comments. “In fact, maybe that’s exactly what you need. You’re banned until further notice. No contact with anyone, but most especially Avery.”
With a sudden jerk, he pushed Gabriel’s hand away and stormed out of the room.