Chapter 14
Helplessness was one of the worst feelings in the world.
She lay there wishing she was anywhere else, that things had been different. Could she mess up any more? Scares weren’t part of the plan. She’d been trying so hard to keep the pregnancy on track. On dealing with her grief in a way that was healthy. On trying to focus on the positive things, that she was healthy and so was the baby. That was the best thing she could do to honor Josh and his memory. But now it was as if things were unraveling around her, and no matter what she did she couldn’t stop it.
Her hands clutched the edges of the hospital blanket, and she blinked back her tears. All she wanted was to be able to go back in time and somehow stop all of this from happening.
Why couldn’t that be possible, just this once?
Gabriel looked at the machines, trying to understand what they all meant. She didn’t look okay. Her fear of hospitals hadn’t abated with this little scare. It had just made it all the worse with the doctors in and out and the constant monitoring. He knew every movement she made she overanalyzed, replaying events over and over in her head, trying to pinpoint what started it all. He could have told her it wasn’t one thing specifically but a series of them.
The feeling around her hadn’t changed. She’d gotten good at pretending, at fooling the others. He doubted they realized she still cried herself to sleep every night or how often she listened to Josh’s old voicemails, how she’d freaked out the night she’d thought she’d accidently erased them. She was on the edge of a cliff no one wanted her to fall down. Worry swept through him as she finally drifted off to sleep. A deep, unbidden worry told him Josh knew what he was talking about. Something had changed. Something inside her had literally died along with him, and the rest was following in its wake.
A quick flash of a horrific future flashed through his mind, and he grabbed onto the back of the nearby chair for support, startled when the chair squeaked on the linoleum. He shouldn’t have been able to do that. He was masking himself, trying to keep silent, unobserved as he kept an eye on her. But as he looked toward the bed, he saw she still hadn’t stirred. Her hands still rested protectively over the baby, her lips pressed tightly together in sleep.
***
Josh played with his thumbnail. He hated hearing Gabriel’s words, the description so vivid he felt like he could reach out and touch her. It killed him to imagine her in some hospital bed somewhere, so frightened, so scared…worried about losing the last piece of him they all had. He wanted to jump to his feet and force himself back there, back with her where he knew he belonged, but he couldn’t and that hurt him worse than anything.
“She feels so responsible.” Gabriel’s voice was soft, as gentle as the breeze that wound its way up the sandy beach toward them.
Josh blinked back his tears, keeping his head down to mask his emotions from his friend. “It’s not her. All of this is on me.” He fisted his hands.
“No.”
“But it is. You’re lying to me if say you don’t see it, Gabriel. I caused all this. I wasn’t meant to be here. If I was there, she’d be fine. No need for her to worry or to cry herself to sleep, to be trying to live a future she never wanted to imagine.” He lifted his head to see Gabriel standing a few feet away, a sadness on his face he hadn’t seen before. “All me, my fault, and if anything happens to her, to our son…” He swallowed the lump in his throat, shaking his head as fresh tears streamed down his face. He reached up and rubbed them away with his palm. “There’s nothing I can do, nothing.” He stared up at the crystal blue sky. “She needs you right now.” Josh faced Gabriel. “You can make a difference, G.”
Gabriel frowned. They kept walking. “I’m not allowed to interfere.”
“No, I’m the one who isn’t allowed to interfere. Don’t give me that stuff about it getting easier in time, because I sure as hell don’t believe it.” There was no way that ache inside his chest was ever going to go away. Just like that lifeless look in her eyes never faded. He needed to convince his friend that he could help.
Gabriel’s pace slowed as they neared the pier. “I don’t know what I can do.” For the first time he saw an unease on his friend’s face that didn’t seem to stem from his behavior. Was Gabriel actually realizing that what he’d been saying all along was true?
***
Avery watched as Linda walked into the hospital room. She’d had the steadiest stream of visitors she’d ever seen since visiting hours started that morning. She tried to smile, to take the worry off her face so she didn’t worry Linda. She knew the other woman didn’t need the stress. They all had so much going on that the last thing any of them needed was the added stress of something else. It made Avery feel guilty to have caused such chaos.
“How are you feeling?” Linda asked as she pulled the visitor’s chair up next to the bed. She set her purse down beside her chair and took a seat. Her hand clamped tightly around Avery’s for a moment, and Avery was surprised how cold it was.
Avery shrugged. She saw the fear in Linda’s eyes, that she was afraid of losing someone else. Just like she was. “Like I’m ready to bust out of here, actually.” She sighed and used her other hand to motion to the closed blinds. “Did I ever say how much I hate hospitals? Because I do, I really, really hate them. Especially now. They’re claustrophobic.” She was rambling and she knew it, but she needed to get the words out, to get out her frustration to someone who’d actually understand what was going on with her.
Linda nodded. “You’ve been here awhile, it’s understandable.” She motioned toward the windows. “Do you want me to open the blinds? Get some light in here? Might cheer you up a little.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m almost thinking they’re planning on keeping me here till the baby’s born.”
“Now that, I highly doubt.”
“I don’t know.” Avery settled back against the pillows. They were flat and uncomfortable, much like the cramped hospital bed. “You’ve got the mom face on, Linda. What’s going on?” Please don’t let there be something wrong. That was the last thing she could handle at the moment. She was hanging on by a thread as it was.
“We talked to the doctor earlier, and he mentioned you may be able to be discharged later today if he can be guaranteed you’ll take care of yourself and avoid stress.”
Ha, there was the catch. There was no avoiding stress in her life right now. “See? More proof.”
Linda gave her a stern look. “So I came to a conclusion on how you can guarantee him you’ll be taken care of.” She reached forward and patted her hand. “You stay with us for a while.”
“Linda—” She was cut off before she had the chance to argue the point.
“It’s the best decision, really. You won’t have to do anything but just sit and relax and let us take care of you.” Linda must have seen the opposition in her eyes. “Please? I’d feel more comfortable having you there. I don’t want to worry about you being alone right now, Avery. It’s not good for you to be on your own .” Linda looked at her. “You know Josh would want you to take care of yourself.”
Those words were like a knife through her heart, the pain swift and sudden. They probably weren’t meant the way she took them, that she wasn’t able to handle things on her own, but it was hard not to take them that way. They held the hint of the same stinging accusation she kept giving herself. Of course she knew how Josh would feel about this. She didn’t want to hurt herself or the baby. Didn’t they know that? She was doing the best she could, the best way she knew how. There wasn’t a manual for this type of thing or she would have bought it and memorized it by now. “Linda, I really…” It was a nice offer, but it was the last thing she wanted. She wanted her space, her own place, her own bed and her own things.
“The guest room is already set up and waiting for you, just till the weekend,” Linda quickly added as if she sensed Avery was about to disagree. “You need to rest, we just want to look after you, that’s all.”
“It’s just…I want to go home, to my house.”
“Honey, the doctor said it’s unwise for you to be alone right now. He recommended complete bed rest, which means someone has to be with you.”
“I’ll stay with her,” Taylor said from the doorway. Avery jumped. She hadn’t even heard the door open, let alone anyone come in. “I mean, if that’s okay with Avery. That way there’s someone there, and she can be at home where she really wants to be.”
Avery gave her a small nod of thanks. Finally someone who understood her. “That would be great.” She turned to a slightly deflated Linda, and a rush of guilt hit her, but that was truly what she wanted. “Would Dr. Matthews go for that?”
“Don’t you think it would be stressful?” Linda tried again, looking between her and Taylor, probably trying to sway Taylor into changing her mind and joining her side, trying to talk Avery into staying with the Collins.
“Linda…” Avery started, trying to come up with the right thing to say.
Linda searched her face before a quiet sigh escaped her, obviously relenting as she slowly got to her feet. “I’ll run this by the doctor, but it sounds all right to me.” She leaned over Avery and gave her a gentle hug. “We just want you to be happy and healthy.”
“I know,” Avery whispered, squeezing her tight.
Linda nodded and moved to get her purse. “I’ll go try to track him down, see if he’ll give us a timeline on when we can get you home.” She turned to Taylor. “Keep her company.” She looked at Avery one last time before she headed for the door. “I’ll grab you a few more magazines before I come back.”
“Thanks, Linda.”
Both women watched her leave, and Taylor took over the vacated chair. “I know, I know," she said, "but at least now you know where Josh got that stubborn streak from, huh?”
“Yeah,” Avery agreed. “Thank you, Taylor. It’s just…”
“Hey, it’s more than cool with me. We can hang out and talk baby stuff. I can’t wait to be an unofficial aunt, you know. I’m going to spoil that little baby rotten.” She smiled at her. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I hope so.” She slid lower in bed, keeping her knees bent. She glanced toward the machines at the side. “What I wouldn’t give for a time machine right now.”
“If I could, sweetie, you’d have one.”
“So what’s the consensus? I’m inept or just plain reckless?”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Amongst the family. This isn’t exactly…” She motioned to the monitors. “A textbook pregnancy. It was at the start, but now…” Now everything had changed on her without any warning. “I know I told the doctor he could talk to you, say what was going on. What did he say exactly?” She bit her bottom lip. She hoped he hadn’t sugarcoated it to her then gone and told them something else, like the truth. That she’d done something stupid somewhere along the line and screwed up all she had left. This one piece of Josh that everyone was depending on.
“He didn’t say anything bad, if that’s what’s making you so worried. He said everything was fine. The bed rest is just a much needed precaution to give your body time to rest. The baby is fine. Really, Avery, he is.”
“I just got so scared.”
Taylor leaned over and hugged her tightly, squeezing her the way Josh used to. “We all were, honey.”
Avery tried to laugh as her friend pulled away, but it came out pretty pitiful, and she wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall. “Can’t cry anymore, can I?”
“Of course you can, just not as much. You need to sleep. We all know how little you’ve been sleeping.”
“Guess I really haven’t been taking care of myself, huh?” And all this time she’d been fooling herself into thinking she was. No matter how awful she felt, how little appetite she had, how much she dreaded another bout of morning sickness if she forced even a single cracker down, she had. She just needed more. More time for her and less time for everything else.
“Don’t say that. We just need to make sure you concentrate on you for a while, okay?” Taylor smiled reassuringly at her. “Time to indulge yourself, sweetheart.”
Indulge. She hadn’t done that in forever. She wasn’t even sure she knew how to anymore.