Chapter 3
Blake checked and made sure she was sleeping soundly. He breathed easier that way. He hated that she had to take something in order to sleep, but she needed her rest, and the doctor assured him and Alec that it wouldn’t hurt her or the baby in any way. He rubbed the back of his neck as he stood in the guest room where he’d temporarily moved in. Alec had crashed in the one down the hall that had been designated for the nursery at some point. He hated the thought of her being there alone, without someone if something happened. He didn’t want her to wake up alone in the night. Somehow he knew his little brother would want him there, to just be with her right now until things…he paused mid thought. Things would never get back to normal again. There’d be a new normal, something that none of them had ever imagined. He took a deep breath and tossed his suitcase on the bed. He unzipped the side zipper and started rifling through his clothes for his pajama bottoms. His cell phone sat on the nightstand, turned on to vibrate so it wouldn’t break the silence of the house. He felt like he’d aged a decade almost overnight, maybe two if he were really honest about it. He couldn’t keep focused, couldn’t find something else to put his mind on. It constantly seemed to stray to his brother, to the last few times they’d seen each other. To what he knew Josh had been looking forward to most.
It should have been me. Blake sank down on the edge of the mattress, the exhaustion of all the emotions of the day suddenly coming over him full force. He’d trade places with his brother in an instant if it were possible. Josh had so much ahead of him with the baby and planning to propose to Avery. Everything was finally perfect in his little brother’s world. Now it had all been shattered in an instant.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, wishing for one last conversation with him. One last time to tell him how much he loved him, and that if he ever needed anything he knew where to come to. He opened the drawer in the nightstand and pulled out the small black velvet box. He’d found it hours before in Josh’s office downstairs when he’d been looking for his spare set of house keys.
All of a sudden the bedroom was claustrophobic. Blake shook his head and pushed himself to his feet, putting the ring box in his jean pocket. He needed something for his nerves, to numb himself somehow. His heart lay broken, nothing more than jagged shards of glass piercing through his chest with every breath. He had no recollection of how he and Alec had made it back to Tampa, other than by some miracle. For as long as he lived, he’d never forget the slow motion feel to that day. The memories that kept rolling by like some private viewing of home movies, unfiltered in his mind,
He crept quietly downstairs. He remembered seeing a couple cans of beer in the fridge before. A bottle of whiskey in the cupboard. He grabbed the bottle and a beer, hoping one or the other would dull his emotions. Deciding not to go upstairs and risk waking anyone, he stopped in the living room. He cracked open the beer and set it on the table in front of him next to the whiskey before dropping down on the couch. The moonlight filtered in through the front window, giving just enough light to see by. He pulled the ring box out and set it by the beer on the table. “You never had a chance to see her face, man. You should have…” His mind flashed back to a few days before. Josh had been in that very room with him, sitting on the same couch, the television muted during commercials.
“I found the ring,” Josh announced as Blake set the pizza delivery box down on the coffee table in front of him.
“Good, now you’ve got it. Propose already.”
Josh laughed as he leaned forward and lifted the lid on the box. He pulled out a slice of the steaming pizza and set it on the plate next to the pizza box. “No way. I’m waiting till we get back, you know that. Besides, you have to help me come up with something romantic. I want to sweep her off her feet, give her something she’d never expect.”
“Well, you being romantic should be surprise enough.”
“Ha, ha, funny. Can we keep the ring at your place this week? You know Avery, she’d end up stumbling across it while we’re gone and ruin the whole surprise.”
“You sure?”
“Totally sure. Besides, you’ve got to see this, Blake. I spent hours going to all the jewelry stores, just trying to find the perfect ring. The one I know she’ll love.” He grabbed a couple napkins from the stack near the pizza box and wiped his hands. He reached for his jacket lying over the back of the couch and pulled a small black velvet box out of the pocket. He lifted the lid, smiled one of the biggest smiles Blake had ever seen from him. The same smile that had gotten him any girl he’d laid eyes on since he was a teenager. “What do you think?”
Blake smiled at the happiness radiating off his little brother. He was so happy, so proud to be sitting there, showing off the engagement ring. Blake took in the sight of the diamond tucked against the black velvet and broke out into a smile of his own. “She’ll love it. You did good, kid.”
“I love her, she’s…” He trailed off, fidgeting with the ring. “Everything. She’s my soul.”
Blake wiped away the tears that were welling up in his eyes. He took a shaky breath before he lifted the lid on the box and stared at the same ring Josh had shown him. He picked up his beer and took a long drink, the cold liquid soothing him. He sat in silence for a few minutes before lifting the beer can up in a silent toast to his brother. “You did good, Josh, really good. She’d have loved it.”
Josh looked at the ring glistening up from the bed of black velvet, somehow the moonlight hitting it just right so a tiny rainbow of colors danced for just a second in the dark. He sat completely unseen beside his brother, hating to be so close and yet unnoticed. “She will.”
He groaned and leaned his head back against the couch, covering his eyes with his hand. “How long do I have to watch this? I want to present my case so this can all end.”
“It will end when it ends, Josh,” Gabriel said from across the room.
Josh moved his hand away to see Gabriel studying the framed pictures on the table.
Blake closed the ring box, the click seeming exceptionally loud in the silence. “I know somehow that you’re around, Josh. It’s crazy, but I swear I can feel you here. I’m going to give Avery the ring, okay? I think she needs this now more than ever.”
Josh nodded. He’d been thinking the same thing. That she needed something to hold on to. Something that was straight from him. “Good idea.” He watched Gabriel stop at another group of framed photos on the wall. His whole life was on those walls. Pictures of him, Blake and Alec as teenagers up till the summer before, the fishing trip that had gone bad from the start, ending up with them flipping the small boat they’d rented. “How come he and Avery can feel me, and the others can’t?” he asked as Blake got up and headed upstairs.
“It depends on the person.” Gabriel looked at Josh over his shoulder. “For those who are more sensitive, more open minded, they’ll pick up on something that others will dismiss.”
Josh pushed to his feet and walked over to stand beside him. He focused on a picture of them that was from last Christmas. Three smiling faces stared back at him. Blake, himself, and Avery snuggled on his lap, his arms around her waist to keep her there, all three in matching Santa Claus hats complete with jingle bells.
“She’ll be okay.”
He could tell Gabriel was trying his best to be reassuring, but he couldn’t believe it. She was broken. Shattered. And so was he. Josh stared at her face, mentally comparing it to the way he’d seen her just hours before when he’d kissed her goodbye that morning. Already she’d changed. Her cheekbones were more noticeable, sadness darkened her eyes. “Wish I could believe you.”
***
The darkness was suffocating.
The air so still it was as if she didn’t exist anymore.
She lay in bed, not moving, just simply there. The silence was overwhelming. She could hear the gentle hum of the air conditioner in the distance. What she wouldn’t give to hear the sound of him snoring behind her, to have the weight of his arm draped around her waist one more time.
At the realization of what she’d lost, her body started to shake, slowly at first until she couldn’t control it anymore.
Gone.
How could the man she loved be gone, so suddenly, without warning? She pushed herself from bed, realizing she didn’t want to be there alone anymore.
Alone.
That’s what she truly was.
Even with the baby, there’d be no Josh…no Josh there when she found out if they were having a boy or a girl. No Josh there when she went into labor. No Josh, no Josh, no Josh.
She wanted to throw herself down and cry, to lose herself in her grief. How could she do this? Why hadn’t she just died along with him?
Tears blurred her vision and she moved carefully through the dark room, trying not to stumble and alert everyone she wasn’t sleeping soundly as they were all hoping. There was only one thing she wanted right now and that was to hear Josh’s voice.
And she knew exactly how to do that.
She’d seen Alec put her cell phone away when they’d forced her to try and get some rest. She went to the dresser and pulled open the middle drawer as silently as possible. She ran her hand over her sweaters, her fingers desperately wanting to come in contact with her iPhone. A moment later, she brushed against its fabric cover and smiled. Bingo.
Her hand wrapped tightly around it, and she bit her lip as she freed her hand and the phone from the drawer. She wanted to be by herself and just hear his voice. Her gaze landed on the closet door. Tiptoeing to the bedroom door, she listened for movement in the hallway. No one had heard her up and was coming to check on her. That was one relief. She decided to leave the main door unlocked. They’d panic if they came up and found it locked. She stepped quietly toward the closet, her grip still tight on her cell phone.
She squeezed her eyes shut as she tried the door slowly, carefully, not wanting it to squeak like usual. It was a miracle it made no sound, and she opened it just wide enough to slip through.
She lowered the volume on her cell phone and scrolled through her voicemails, stopping at the one she wanted most. Her hands shook as she clicked on it. She braced herself against the wall as her legs started to tremble and she slid slowly to the ground, drawing her knees to her chest.
“Hey…”
Her heart lurched at the sound of his voice, and her left hand flew to her mouth to keep any sound from escaping. She didn’t want anyone to know she was awake, to check on her and see she was anything but okay. Her fingers tapped a shaky rhythm against her lips while his voice went on as he left one of his last messages to her. Her mind was unable to concentrate long enough to decipher the words anymore. She just needed to hear the sound of his voice.
“Back in a few…love you baby…”
She stopped it before he could finish the message, letting the phone fall through her fingers to land on her bare legs. Hot tears scorched their way down her face. Did she really have the strength to get through this? He was gone, and she’d never have the chance to say goodbye. Never have the chance…
She hastily wiped her tears away as she heard footsteps on the stairs. If whoever it was peeked in and found her bed empty, they’d worry. She pushed herself to her feet, careful to pick up the cell phone. She looked at the screen one last time. His crooked grin stared up at her, and she bit her lips hard to keep back the sob, drawing the sharp metallic taste of blood. She didn’t have much time before whoever was checking on her reached the bedroom door.
She held the phone against her chest as she hurried back into bed. She slid the phone under his pillow and covered herself back up with the comforter, hoping if anyone came in they’d think she’d just woken up.
The footsteps paused outside her door and she waited for the inevitable knock or the door to open but after a few moments, they moved down the hall and she heard the guestroom door close quietly. She let out the breath she’d been holding and slid deeper under the covers, praying for sleep to take her as her hand reached out for her phone.
***
The sudden jolt of music playing pulled Avery from her restless sleep. “Josh…Josh honey…” she mumbled, rolling over to the empty side of the bed, the cool sheets brushing against her bare legs. She listened for the sound of the shower in the distance, but only silence met her. And that’s when it hit her.
He was gone.
She stifled a sob as she pushed herself across the bed, her fingers shaking as she turned the radio off. She couldn’t take it. Didn’t want to see the neon numbers mock her, reminding her that just a few short hours ago Josh had been there on that very side of the bed, doing exactly what she’d been doing. She leaned forward more, her fingers searching for the cord. With one quick yank, she freed it from the wall, and the numbers went dark.
She breathed out a shaky breath and forced herself to take another, trying to get enough oxygen into her body to take away the pain. Her tears burned like lava behind her eyes as she stayed there frozen, everything coming back to her. Every minute of the last twenty-four hours flashed through her mind, every emotion rearing its ugly head until she couldn’t take it anymore. She slid deeper under the covers, rolling back onto her side. She blinked, wishing all the emotions away, all the pain. She just wanted to breathe without feeling like she had a boat parked on her chest.
Josh stretched out in bed beside her. He’d sensed her wake up and, before he realized it, was right there with her. Just being that close to her made his heart ache. He watched her lie back down in bed. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms. He wanted to reach out, to run his fingers through her hair one more time, to comfort her somehow. “Why can’t you believe me, Avery? I’m right here.” He ran his hand over her arm, already knowing to keep it a bit above her so it wouldn’t go through. He just wanted her to know he was there. “I’m not leaving you, baby, not now. Not ever.” He meant every word of it. He wasn’t about to leave her alone.
Avery lay still and focused on the odd sensation. There was a distinct coolness right over her abdomen that couldn’t be caused by the air conditioning. Slowly she moved her hand over her stomach, resting it right under the coolness. She wiggled her fingers as if testing her senses. It had to be her imagination that it felt like she’d brushed against something for the briefest of moments. “Josh?” she whispered. How crazy was she? Yet ever since she’d told him about the baby, every morning he’d put his hand right there in that exact same spot the coolness was, swearing he felt the baby move. His mouth would curve up in a half smile while he argued that he was the daddy and he knew what he felt. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t feel anything, not even the smallest flutter. She closed her eyes, focusing on the coolness. Somehow for some inexplicable reason it caused a feeling of calmness to hit her.
“Right here, baby, I’m right here.” His voice was the faintest whisper from his side of the bed. “You okay?”
“Josh?” She had to be crazy. She swore she heard his voice. Someone probably had the television on downstairs. She wanted to hear his voice so bad her mind probably changed one of the voices to his just to appease her. “I miss you…” She looked at his empty side of the bed, desperately wanting to see him there, to see those blue eyes of his staring back at her. To feel his hand cupping the side of her face, brushing her tears away. “I need you, Josh. Our baby needs to have their daddy. How am I supposed to do this without you? I’m so scared Josh…so scared…” A shaky breath escaped her, followed quickly by another. Her shoulders shook as the weight of everything hit her again. The loss was so vast, so forceful, it numbed her until she really couldn’t think. She just wanted to fall into an abyss and stay there. “I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to do this alone.” She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed to fall back into that welcoming darkness of sleep where none of this nightmare existed.
***
Avery had spent the last two days in a fog, barely aware of what was going on. Every time she turned around someone new was there. Blake, Alec, their mother Linda. It seemed like Avery was a toddler no one wanted to let out of their sight for long. She holed up in bed most of the time, wrapped up in blankets trying to sleep away her grief. Escape the conversations she didn’t want to hear or be a part of. Linda had tried talking to her once or twice about arrangements and she’d completely zoned out, not wanting to hear it. She vaguely remembered talking to her parents from on board their cruise ship. They were devastated and promised to get there as soon as possible, but they were still at sea and would be for at least another week. She’d told them it was okay, she wasn’t alone. Blake had told them too they were all keeping an eye on her and there was no need to worry, but she knew they did. She kept having the crazy notion that Josh was around, even in bed beside her at one point, talking to her, but she knew that had been nothing more than wishful thinking on her part.
There was a knock on the door and she looked up from her spot on the bed. She’d just managed to finally get dressed even though it was close to noon. “Come in.”
The door opened and her best friend Taylor stood there, her dark brown hair piled on her head in a messy bun, a black t-shirt hanging loose over her blue jeans. “Hey, Blake said I could come up.”
She nodded. “It’s fine, I was just gonna check my messages.” She waved her cell phone around. “Says voicemail is full…” She sighed softly as Taylor walked in and took a careful seat beside her. She’d noticed that over an hour ago, when she’d forced herself to check her emails, something that at the very least seemed semi productive, until she was faced with half an inbox full of condolences from half her fellow teachers at her school. With school out, she was supposed to have almost two months off before her extended maternity leave began, something that had been Josh’s idea. She’d thought it silly, she could at least work a little while, but he’d been adamant she take that extra time off. Had he known somehow? Did he have an inkling that something wasn’t right, that everything was going to change?
“How are you holding up?” Taylor asked, casting a nervous glance at her, her blue eyes showing her concern. She had bags under her eyes as if she too hadn’t been sleeping. She knew Taylor had been part of her babysitters the last few days, she just hadn’t been awake long enough to see her.
“I’m breathing.” That was the best Avery could manage at that point.
Taylor wrapped her arm around her and squeezed her tight. “You know, you need anything, anything at all, Aves, and you’ve got it.”
“Thanks.” Her phone beeped and she looked down at her messages. Another one from Linda. A sigh escaped her as she pulled her legs up, crossed them on the bed, and reread the message again, a lump starting to form in her throat as she realized what her words meant.
Taylor sat on the edge of the bed, her own cell phone in hand.
Avery put her phone down on the nightstand, glancing at the photo of him on her screen one more time. Could she really have taken that photo only two weeks ago when they’d taken the boat out for a day? He’d kept teasing her about her driving skills, saying she needed more work on her turns. She’d laughed and swiped his captain’s hat. He’d pulled her in his arms, spun her around and she’d taken the photo.
She blinked back the rush of tears and got to her feet. Taylor looked up at her in concern. She tried to put on a smile or at least look like she wasn’t ready to go down at any moment. “Just have a couple things to do for Linda,” she explained.
Taylor nodded, understanding in her eyes. “Do you want me to?”
Avery shook her head. “No. I’m good,” she lied. Evidently there’d been plenty of conversation she hadn’t been around for. Maybe that was why Taylor had suddenly come upstairs, to be there for her when Linda arrived.
Avery stood in front of the racks of Josh’s clothes in the small walk-in closet, her hand resting on the small of her back. The rows of his shirts hung haphazardly beside hers. Half had been pulled out, then stuck back in anywhere he’d found room. It was a mess. An adorable mess. She reached out, her fingers wrapping around one of the sleeves of his rarely worn button down shirts. The fabric was cool and soft against her skin. If she closed her eyes she could see him slipping it on, laughing as he did up the buttons about how he suddenly looked like an official adult in a suit and wasn’t that crazy?
How could she do this?
The closet door behind her squeaked open, announcing Taylor’s arrival. Apparently she’d been alone too long and her friend’s worry radar had gone off. Avery didn’t look away from the shirt sleeve in front of her. “I need to find him something to wear.” At least she sounded stronger than she’d anticipated. No quivering.
“You don’t have to.” Taylor’s voice was soft, but there was still a hoarseness to it from her own crying. “Josh’s mom said she’d do it for you.”
Right. They just expected her to let everyone in, to let them take his things away. Taylor pulled her close in a hug and the shirt sleeve fell from Avery’s fingertips as she let go to hug her tight. She could feel the shaking in Taylor’s shoulders that echoed her own. “I know.” She suddenly felt the need to pull back, and she moved away from her friend’s embrace. She took a deep breath and moved a few hangers around, flipping past his collection of football jerseys and t-shirts from his favorite teams. She stopped on a hideous Hawaiian shirt, the glaring colors of bright orange, reds and yellows almost making her eyes hurt looking at it. “Remember when he bought this?” She pulled the shirt half out, almost smiling at the look of amusement that crossed Taylor’s face.
Taylor reached for it, her fingers doing what Avery’s had to the other shirt for a brief moment before she pulled her hand away. A small laugh escaped her. “Yeah, and as soon as he found out you said it made him look like a pumpkin, he wore it every weekend all summer just to tease you.”
Avery laughed, thinking back. That shirt was everywhere that summer. Barbecues, the boat, the beach. There were probably a couple dozen photos of him in it somewhere, all with that goofy grin because it was one of their inside jokes. “Yeah.” She ran her fingers over the soft fabric before pushing the shirt back in amongst the others, forcing it between a group of black tees as if to hide it and all the memories it had suddenly brought back. The hanger caught on the fabric of one of the shirts, and she wrestled to get it free. Every move seemed to just make it worse. “Come on, damn it!”
Taylor stepped in and put her hand over Avery’s, pulling it gently away from the hanger. The shirt hung there, half sticking out as if it was somehow suspended in midair.
Avery shook her head. “I can’t do this…I just…I can’t.”
Taylor pulled her into a tight hug, rubbing Avery’s back in a comforting motion. Avery shut her eyes, not wanting to see his clothes all still there. Suddenly it felt like the walls were closing in on her. Every breath was being sucked out of her lungs. All she wanted was to hear his voice. To see him stick his head in the door and laugh at how silly she and Taylor were being, that they’d bought into his best prank yet…
“It’s too much, too soon,” Taylor said softly. “You go downstairs for awhile.”
She pulled away from the hug and wiped her teary eyes. She was getting so tired of all this crying. She wasn’t going to have any tears left soon. She opened her mouth to say something when she heard footsteps in the bedroom and knew that somehow Taylor had summoned help, that she was being pushed out of the process of looking after Josh one last time. She stepped back and noticed the cell phone barely tucked in the pocket of Taylor’s jeans. She must have sent out an SOS text when Avery hadn’t been looking. “I don’t want to go downstairs.” She could handle this, even if she looked and acted like she couldn’t. She needed to do it. For Josh. He’d want her to.
“I think you need some air. When was the last time you ate?”
She ran a hand over her hair, glancing toward the shelves on the wall, anywhere but her best friend’s gaze. “I don’t know, this morning sometime.” She had vague memories of a couple bites of toast.
Blake peeked in the partially open door. “Hey there, someone mention food?”
Taylor smiled at him, hooking her arm through Avery’s and starting to pull her towards the door. “She needs some air, and she needs to eat.”
“Well then, good thing I came up to check on two of my favorite girls. I was just thinking about going out and picking up some lunch. What do you say, Avery?” His blue eyes met hers and she was struck by how different they were from Josh’s. His had always seemed such a vibrant blue while Blake’s were the calmest, softest of blues. Even though they were brothers, there wasn’t any resemblance there.
She had a feeling she’d be going along on this little outing whether she wanted to or not. She sighed softly, looking between her two babysitters. They each had a solemn expression on their face, worry clouded their eyes. “Sounds good,” she lied. “Just let me change…” She pulled her nightshirt away from her body. Was it just her or was it suddenly looser than it had been a week ago? That couldn’t be right.
“Meet you downstairs in ten.” Blake leaned over and kissed her forehead. “It’ll be okay,” he whispered in her ear. “Promise.”
***
Josh sat in the uncomfortable contemporary style chair halfway down from the panel’s meeting room. The hallway was endless, all crisp white walls around him. No one had passed by since he’d been sitting there. None of the doors that dotted the never ending hall opened. Just he and Gabriel, waiting.
Josh stretched his long legs out ahead of him. Gabriel took the seat beside him, strangely content as always. “How long till I make my case?” Josh tried not to fidget, but the wait was killing him. Any patience he’d had had quickly been erased since this whole thing had started.
“You have to wait for an opening, Josh. Patience is a virtue.”
So Gabriel was a mind reader now, Josh mused. He shifted uneasily in his seat.
“My patience goes away very quickly when I have to watch my pregnant girlfriend cry herself to sleep. When I have to watch my brother, my best friend, Blake, break down when he’s trying to stay strong for everyone else. When I have to hear Avery talk to her best friend and tell her everything she’s lost, so excuse me if I don’t have the right amount of patience right now.”
The corner of Gabriel’s mouth twitched up into a partial smile, but it quickly disappeared. “I get your reasoning, but you have to remember, here you’re not judged on what’s going on down there. At the moment, the only thing they care about is you.”
Josh picked at his thumbnail. He had to make them care about what was happening without him. That was the only thing that mattered, period. Nothing to do with him, but everything to do with everyone he loved.
Gabriel stayed silent and Josh was grateful he didn’t try to talk, to try and coach him somehow on his argument. He had an idea what he wanted to say, to tell them. He just hoped he’d have the chance to plead his case the way he wanted. He put his thumbnail to his mouth, his teeth scraping the edge of the nail as he heard a sound in the distance.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Gabriel start to rise.
“Josh, we’re ready for you now.”