Chapter 7
Avery closed the front door behind Taylor and leaned against it heavily. As much as she loved her friends, it was so draining to be around them sometimes. They were all so worried, it was like they’d moved in with her. Not that she minded completely. Having them around kept her mind off the silence that was a constant presence. It was the silence that made her remember what wasn’t there anymore. That he wouldn’t be coming back.
The car engine roared to life in the driveway, and she knew Taylor was finally, actually leaving. No last minute appearances, no forgotten cell phones on the table. No checking one last time to see if she needed anything. No last minute anything to give her one last hug, to scrutinize every last thing about her as if she’d actually say how bad she ached. That this was the worst she’d ever felt in her life, that she wanted to crawl away and hide from the world.
She listened to the car drive off and pushed away from the door, a wave of relief hitting her. “I just wish sometimes they’d leave me alone.” She shuddered as she stepped through a waft of cold air and rubbed her arms against the chill. She took a moment of just being by herself. Well, not quite, she thought as she glanced down. Despite the fact she barely managed to eat some days, the baby was, oh so definitely, growing.
She made her way to the couch and noticed that someone had put out a blanket and pillow. There was a glass of ginger ale already waiting. She had to smile and wondered when they’d managed to sneak that one past her.
She sat down and leaned back against the couch, making herself comfortable. That morning she realized she was beginning to show. It was one of the few times she’d momentarily forgotten he was gone. In fact, she’d even picked up her phone in a moment of excitement, wanting to call and tell him, then it hit her like a physical blow, blasting the air out of her.
The guys hadn’t even noticed the subtle signs, but she had. The way her yoga pants were just a little snugger, that she’d had to undo the tie she’d had knotted at the waist since the day she’d bought them. She was sure Josh would laugh at her, call her crazy, and tweak her nose like he always did when he teased her.
She pulled the blanket over her to help warm up from that chill that was always there, and let her eyes close. She was almost asleep when the sharp ding of the doorbell pierced the air, and she jumped in surprise. The moment her eyes flew open, she swore she saw Josh in front of her, sitting on the coffee table, his elbows braced against his knees, watching her.
She smoothed a hand over her hair as she pushed herself to her feet. “I need sleep,” she muttered. That was the only explanation for what she’d just seen. Sleep deprived. The next thing she’d hear would be his footsteps down the hall if she kept up at this. Then what? His voice?
The doorbell rang one more time, and she hurried her pace toward the door. She checked the peephole then undid the locks to find the uniformed delivery man on the step. “Avery Rhodes?” he asked, already keying something into his portable signing device.
“That’s me.”
“Package for you.” He handed the long rectangular box over to her along with the signing pen. “Just sign on the line please.”
She shifted the package under her arm as she scribbled a barely legible signature. She closed the door and examined the box. What was this about? She hadn’t ordered anything online, and no one had sent her anything. They all brought over anything they’d bought themselves.
Josh stood behind her, watching her turn away from the door, studying the package in her hand. He read the label, and his throat tightened. He wanted to rip the package out of her hands. He’d completely forgotten about it up until that moment. Hard to believe when he’d spent weeks planning everything perfectly. He’d spent hours researching hotels online, looking at virtual tours of hotel rooms, planning everything down to the last detail.
She walked over to the coffee table and set the box down. She lifted the top to find two dozen of her favorite peach roses nestled in tissue paper. Their sweet fragrance suddenly filled the room. As she reached for the card, that familiar coolness appeared behind her once again.
Happy fourth anniversary. Love you forever, Josh.
She could almost hear his voice in her ear, reading the words right along with her.
She dropped the card back inside the box, feeling unnerved. Her fingers moved up the stems of the roses, the surprising chill of the fresh stems on her fingertips helping her calm down.
“You never did tell me what we were going to do today,” she said, as if she expected him to answer. Like he was right there with her, about to walk out of the kitchen with two glasses of lemonade in hand, his baseball cap on his head, his nose sunburned from too much time working in the yard.
“It was going to be a surprise.” He moved around to stand beside her. He desperately wanted to reach out, to push that strand of hair back behind her ear so he could see her face unobstructed. He was desperate for her to feel him, really feel him, and not have to fool himself into thinking that some part of her sensed he was there, that whatever their connection was, it hadn’t been completely severed. That if he just held out hope long enough…
She reached up, brushing the strand of hair out of her face before taking one of the roses from the box.
“You know, I wanted to wait until today to tell you about the baby. Then you walked in when I had that pillow under my shirt…” She laughed softly, inhaling the scent of the rose before pressing it lightly against her cheek, a slow smile crossing her face in memory. “And I tried telling you I was just stretching the shirt because it shrank in the wash. You had this dumbstruck expression on your face, and I said, I think there’s something I have to tell you, and I called you Daddy.”
He nodded, flashing back to that moment. “And I said, are you kidding me?”
“I guess it’s good I told you then. You never would have known otherwise. That would have hurt more.” She picked up another of the roses, her fingers playing with the edge of a petal. “You know, I’m even happier about the baby since you’re gone. He’s my last gift from you.” Her voice wobbled. “My best gift from you.”
She sat there for who knew how long, just lost in the memories. The sweetness of the roses filled the room. “What did you have planned?” Her voice was a mere whisper. “I wish you’d been here so I knew…” No wonder Taylor had wanted to take her out and have her spend the night at her place. Why Alec had texted to ask if she wanted to go out for dinner. Everyone had had some sort of idea of what he’d had in mind. They’d wanted to somehow spare her this latest round of pain of being alone on their anniversary.
Headlights flashed across the wall and she turned her head to look out the window, startled to see them in the driveway. She set the rose she’d been holding down and headed for the front door as soon as she heard the car door slam. Who could it be now?
Looking out the peephole, she wasn’t entirely surprised to see Blake walking toward the steps, his head down, looking like he was talking to himself. She unlocked the door and opened it just as he reached the top step. He lifted his head and looked as surprised as she felt. “Avery…”
“Hi, Blake, what are you doing here? I thought you were leaving for your business trip tonight?”
He nodded. “I am, but uh…well…” He cleared his throat. “I have something that’s yours.”
She narrowed her eyes in confusion. What could he mean? She glanced back toward the living room as if it would hold a clue as to what he was talking about. “Are you sure?”
“Very sure.” His eyes met hers for a moment and she noticed how nervous he looked.
“Do you want to come in?” she asked. Maybe something was wrong. Her heart dropped. What if something had happened to someone else? What it if it was more bad news?
“No…it’s…I’m fine.” He shook his head, looking down. “I don’t mean to worry you, Aves. It’s just…I’m doing this all wrong. I had this rehearsed in my mind on the way over, and it’s not going the way I thought it would.”
“It’s okay.” She didn’t know what else to say.
He put his hand in his jacket pocket and took a deep breath before he looked up at her. His eyes were glossy as he held his hand out. “It’s from Josh, Avery.” He opened his hand to reveal a small black velvet box. “He wanted to give you this today.”
For a moment she didn’t understand, her gaze locked solely on the small velvet box. All the air disappeared from her body. “Oh…” she managed finally, and he nodded.
She took it carefully from his outstretched hand, her fingers rubbing unconsciously against the smoothness of the velvet. Her mind was foggy. She knew she needed to say something. He was just standing there watching her intently. “Uhm, thanks, Blake. Did you want to come in, just for a minute?” She stepped back, opening the door wider, inviting him in.
He shook his head apologetically. “No, I’ve gotta get going. My flight leaves in a couple hours.”
She nodded. “Okay. Well, then…thanks.” She took a small step forward and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. He squeezed her back, holding her close for a moment. She made sure she put a smile on her face as she pulled back so he didn’t feel bad about having given her the ring box. She could see the apprehension in his eyes and she smiled wider to reassure him that all was well. “I’ll see you soon. Once you’re back we’ll have dinner or something.”
“Sounds great.” He turned to go but hesitated.
“Love you, Blake. Thank you for bringing this over.”
“No problem, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead. “See you soon. Take care of that little munchkin.”
***
“How do I do this?” Josh needed Gabriel’s assurance on this, that it could happen. He’d been anxious all night, trying not to get his hopes up too high, afraid somehow it would fail and nothing would happen.
From the foot of their bed, he watched her sleep. The rise and fall of her chest comforted him, but made him worry all the more. What if he couldn’t wake her? What if he wasn’t strong enough yet? It had broken his heart to watch her sit with the unopened ring box all night and not be able to show her he was there. To propose like he’d planned on.
“You use your energy to make it happen.”
“I want…” Josh stopped. He wanted so many things. He turned to Gabriel who stood in the doorway. “She’ll be able to see me? Touch me?”
“It’ll be like you’re alive again. She’ll see you, hear you, everything,” Gabriel answered as he slowly began to fade away.
Josh stood there a moment, finally alone with the woman he loved. No one else watching, monitoring him or commenting on how he should start to move on, let her find a new life for herself. For their child. Josh wasn’t ready yet, not willing to let go of the one glimpse of hope he still had for them, for their future.
He headed toward the glass shelf on the wall and pulled down a couple of her favorite scented candles she kept up there. It startled him to realize he was actually holding them in his hand. He couldn’t help his slow smile as he caught the strong sweet, pomegranate fragrance.
He set them on the dresser, far enough back from the edge so he didn’t have to worry. Finally having them how he wanted in a neat row, he headed for the closet, bracing himself for the squeak of the door that never came. He walked straight to the shelf he’d seen her put the ring box on and picked it up, feeling the slight weight of the box in his hand. The velvet was soft, and he traced his fingers over the hinge in the back. It amazed him that this was real. Things were like he remembered. The smell of the candles. The feel of the ring box in his hand, just like it had felt when he’d bought the ring from the jeweler. He remembered the way the man had smiled and wished him good luck. He remembered thinking he hadn’t needed luck. He’d already found the perfect girl for him.
Quietly, he made his way back into the bedroom. He grabbed her matchbox from where she kept it on the back of the dresser and lit the candles. The flames danced from the breeze he created as he moved the match from candle wick to candle wick. He blew the match out and set it aside. He opened one of the dresser drawers and took out the black pajamas she had bought him the Christmas before. He slipped off his white shirt and lounge pants, so glad to be rid of them, and changed into the pajamas, the cool silk soft against his skin.
Lifting his head, he was startled to see his reflection in the mirror. He leaned in close, taking in everything. He didn’t look any different than the last time he’d seen himself. He lifted his hand, his fingers brushed against the soft warm fabric that covered his chest. He pressed lightly. The solid muscle underneath certainly felt real. That was all that truly mattered to him, that for however long they had, he’d be as real to Avery as he’d ever been. Not a mirage or a dream, but every bit as alive and in the flesh as she remembered.
Hesitantly, he turned and walked over to the bed. He had never been so nervous in his life. What if she couldn’t see him? What if something went wrong and he disappeared in front of her eyes? What if he couldn’t handle losing her this time?
A million what ifs and not a single answer.
All he knew was he only had a limited amount of time and he was wasting it worrying.
“Avery…” He pulled back the covers on his side of the bed. No reaction. She stayed asleep, her chest rising and falling in a relaxed motion. This time the mattress seemed to shift under his weight unlike all the other times he’d sat on the bed beside her. He brushed her hair back, unable to hold back his smile at the feel of her hair against his fingertips, soft and familiar. “Avery, wake up,” he whispered, kissing her forehead. She was warm against his lips.
He watched, waited while her eyes fluttered open. Confusion crossed her face as she saw him for the first time. “Josh?” Her voice was hesitant, her sleepy gaze searching his face. He caught the wonder in her eyes that was quickly followed by disbelief.
The corner of his mouth lifted into a smile. “Hi, sweetheart.”
She shook her head before reaching up and wiping her eyes. She must have thought she was dreaming. Josh knew how she felt. But this was real, amazingly real, and he had until the sun came up. He wasn’t about to waste a second. This was the biggest gift he could give, and he wanted to make sure she had every moment with him she could.
Avery rubbed her eyes a second time. She was dreaming. Had to be. Once she woke up, she knew what she’d be facing again. A dark, empty bedroom. This was nothing more than her imagination playing tricks on her. Just like when she thought she’d seen him in the bathroom mirror the morning of the funeral. She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to wake up. She blinked a few times, feeling like she was coming out of a haze. It took her eyes a moment to focus. The soft glow of candlelight reflected off his blonde hair, his concerned face inches away from hers, those beautiful blue eyes locked on her.
“Avery?”
Oh, God.
Her chest ached. She forced her eyes away from his, let them wander over the pajamas she’d bought him last Christmas. The ones he’d worn once or twice then stuffed away in a drawer. He was there. His face. His body. Josh. All of him was right there, so close she could touch him. It was too much for her sleepy mind to take in. “You’re not here. You can’t be.”
“I am, really. I’m right here.”
She shook her head against the pillow. “No…you’re not.” She truly had to be out of it now, arguing with a ghost, a figment of her imagination.
Josh tilted his head, leaning in closer. “Avery…”
Her mouth fell open when he rested his forehead against hers and she stared into those beautiful blue eyes she’d fallen in love with the moment they’d met. “How? You died.” She searched his eyes, trying to find an answer in their depths.
He brushed away her tears before they could even fall, and she couldn’t help the gasp that fell from her lips at the contact. “Shhh…don’t ask questions.”
Slowly she reached out and touched him. He was warm beneath her shaky fingertips. Her hand wrapped around his forearm, keeping him from moving. “Oh, God.”
He cupped her face, his thumb grazing her cheek, sliding closer to her lips. “Happy anniversary.”
She bit her lip, her gaze locked on his. Those beautiful blue eyes she never thought she’d see again were looking at her like they always did. “You really are here.” Stinging hot tears blurred her vision, and he wiped them away.
“I’m here. I’m always with you.” He reached behind him, but didn’t move away from her, almost like he knew she was afraid he’d just vanish before her eyes like some sort of illusion. “I was with you at the cemetery.”
Avery ducked her head down. “I wondered.”
“A boy, didn’t I say so?”
She caught the small smirk on his face when she raised her eyes to look at him again. How could he be there? “Yeah you did.” She took a deep breath. She had to say to him what she’d been wanting to say since Blake and Alec broke the news to her. “I’m so angry at you for not waking me up that morning.”
His eyes widened in surprise, and his face turned apologetic as he looked away from her. “I know. I wish I had.”
She reached out, taking his hand between her own. She traced the lines in his palm with her fingertips, feeling every familiar deep groove. Her fingers skimmed over the lines that made the large letter M on his palm over and over again, letting the action soothe her. “Did you…did you feel anything?”
“No. I just heard the tires squeal. Everything faded out pretty quickly.”
“I was worried you did. That you were in pain, that you knew what was happening.”
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, his other hand going to the back of her head, his fingers stroking her hair. “I wasn’t. Didn’t even know what was happening.” The way he looked at her she knew he was trying to read her, read her thoughts somehow. “What, baby?”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re here with me. I’m afraid if I keep touching you, you’ll disappear.”
His fingers slid through her hair, down her neck. She shivered beneath his touch. “Avery, we have tonight together. I’ve got that on pretty good authority.” He smiled and nudged her closer to him. “Besides, don’t you think if I can touch you, you can touch me?” He turned over the hand she held and pulled her closer.
She hesitated a moment as he took her hand and rested it almost against his chest. He stared straight into her eyes, waiting for her to close that final little distance between them. Her hand stilled, her fingers millimeters away. Warmth radiated off him. She didn’t want to know how that was even possible. Slowly she reached out, touching the soft silk of his pajama top.
“The other morning…” She trailed off, afraid to ask. She turned her head slightly away from him.
Slowly he raised her chin to look in her eyes, as if he knew what she’d been about to ask. “You felt me, didn’t you? Heard me?”
“I wasn’t sure…I thought…but…”
“It’s my ritual, isn’t it?” That usual little half smile crossed his lips, and her heart skipped a beat. “Rub your tummy and tell you both how much I love you.” Slowly he inched up her nightshirt with his hand, his eyes widening as he moved his hand over where she’d begun to show.
She put her hand over his. “I just realized that. Guess I haven’t been paying attention.” She trailed off, embarrassed. She should have noticed. If he’d been there, they would have noticed right away.
Josh inched himself closer, propping himself up on his elbow beside her. “I’m missing so much.” He stayed silent a few moments, studying her. “Avery?”
“Yeah?” She ran her fingertips over his knuckles, still not quite believing he was there with her, that she was somehow able to touch him and be touched by him.
“You know I love you, right?”
“Yes.”
He leaned down. His lips brushed against hers and he kissed her softly, softer than he’d ever kissed her. Tender and sweet and with something that hadn’t been there before—a longing.
Her hand let go of his and seconds later, fisted in his hair, pulling him closer. “I love you, Josh,” she whispered against his lips. Some part of her needed to say it, needed him to know before he somehow disappeared on her again. She needed a chance to say goodbye, to say all those little things she hadn’t had a chance to.
He pulled back a little, his eyes searching hers. “I love you, too, Avery. Always.”
“Show me,” she whispered, drawing him close again. “Show me one last time.”
***
The candles flickered brightly as they lay curled up together. Josh watched her intently, the way she’d absently rake her teeth over her bottom lip, likely trying to make sure she was still awake and this wasn’t a dream. That they really had made love one last time. She glanced over at him, the corner of her mouth playing up into a smile, something he hadn’t seen in what felt like forever.
He reached under his pillow, his fingers wrapping immediately around the little velvet ring box. Now was the right time. He felt it throughout his whole body. She watched, that little line of confusion appearing between her eyebrows as she saw what was in his hand. “You know what I have here?”
“The ring box Blake brought over.”
“It’s a very special ring box.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “Oh, yeah.” He opened it up, looking at the ring inside. It sparkled in the candlelight. “It took me months to pick out the right ring, you know. One that I saw as being perfect.” He reached down and picked up her left hand. “I wanted to ask you to marry me tonight. I booked a suite at one of the hotels and everything.” He’d done it all. Flowers. Champagne. Dinner at their favorite restaurant. He’d planned to bring her to the suite where they could be completely alone, no distractions, no phones, no texts, just the two of them together.
“It would have been nice,” she said softly.
“Would have been.” His gaze wandered over her, wanting to remember everything. Somehow he knew they wouldn’t have much longer together. The sun eventually had to rise, he couldn’t delay that no matter how much he wished he could. There was no doubt in his mind she’d fall asleep long before that.
She looked at the ring on her finger. “I wish I had something to give you.” She moved closer, resting her head on his chest, her hand on his abdomen. He played with the ring he’d just put on her finger, not wanting to think of what could have been. What should have been. Part of him was beginning to think this was the ultimate goodbye between the two of them. A thought he never wanted to enter his mind.
“Josh…”
He looked down at her, curled up against him. Her eyes fluttered closed. He squeezed her tighter against him, wanting to imprint the feel of her in his mind, needing that memory. “What, baby?” He had a feeling he knew what she was going to say.
“I’m tired,” she whispered apologetically, glancing up at him shyly
“I know, sweetheart.” He ran his fingers through her hair, knowing that when she fell back asleep, the next time she woke up they wouldn’t be together like this. “You need your rest.”
“You aren’t going to be here in the morning, are you?”
He hated the fact she was right. “Afraid not.”
“Then I don’t want to sleep, I want to stay right here with you.”
“You can’t, Avery. As much as I want to stay like this forever, we can’t.”
She rolled away from him then, but not fast enough to hide her blinking back the tears. The same tears burned in his own eyes. His heart broke as she turned her back to him. “Baby, don’t do this. Please…”
She shook her head. “I don’t want you to leave me again.”
He rolled on his side, pulling her back against him, his arms wrapping around her waist to keep her from moving away again. “Remember what I told you before? I’m always with you. Always. You just don’t see me.” He pressed a kiss to her hair. “Baby, look at me. Please?”
He heard her take a shaky breath before she slowly rolled over in his arms. “I’m losing you again.” She bit her bottom lip, breaking their gaze. “I can’t do this, it’s too hard.”
“I know, but you’re so strong. You’ve gotten through it so far.”
“I don’t want to be strong. I want you here with me.” She buried her face against his chest. “With us.” Her hot tears seeped through the thin fabric of his shirt, the heat of her breath radiating through into his skin.
He didn’t know what to do to comfort her. He was at a complete loss. It killed him inside to know there was nothing he could do to take away her pain. “You have no idea how much I wish we could be together.” He rolled on his back, pulling her snug against him. He tilted her chin to make her look into his eyes. He prayed she heard the truth in his words. “Sweetheart, listen to me. I need you to really listen, okay?” He waited for her to nod. “Tonight…this was amazing. I love you so much. I’m going to hold you right here in my arms like I always did until you fall asleep, and I’m going to keep holding you until I have to go.”
She reached up, her fingertips trembling as she traced the line down his face, taking his tears away. “Josh…” His heart broke as she said as his name. Silence passed between them for what seemed like an eternity. Finally she let out a shaky breath, breaking their gaze. “Okay,” she said at last. “I’ll try to fall asleep.”
He kissed her fingertips and forced a smile, one that she’d never know how much it hurt him to do. “That’s my girl.”
The way she looked at him, he knew she was doing what he’d been doing all night, trying to imprint everything in her mind. She managed a small weak smile before she pressed her lips against his. He could taste the salt of her tears. “I love you.”
“Love you too,” he whispered.
She pulled back a little, her eyes searching his almost as if she was seeking permission to fall asleep, to leave him. His hand slid around the back of her neck and drew her close one more time. He kissed her softly, wishing he could make it last forever. Wanting her to feel everything he felt for her, everything he’d ever felt, in that one single kiss.
A few moments later, she rested her head on his chest, and he ran his hand up and down her back, hoping to calm her. He’d felt the small tremors in her body, her way of trying to hold back her tears. He didn’t want to see her cry anymore, didn’t want her to keep doing this to herself.
As if sensing his thoughts, she lifted her head and took one last look at him, giving a small nod. “Night, Josh.”
“Night, Aves.” He watched her drift off to sleep, listened to her breathing relax and become more normal. Her hand still held tightly to his. Lying there was almost like he was alive again. He was almost tempted to believe he’d wake up the next morning and life would go on, but he knew better. He kept his eyes on her as long as he could, embedding everything in his memory as he ran his hand down her side one last time, stopping on the tiny baby bump. “I’m always going to be here for you, always,” he promised, kissing her hair one last time. He could feel his energy start to fade away, feel his hold on her wasn’t as tight as it had been. He took one last look around the bedroom, squeezed her a little tighter and let his eyes close just as the sun peeked above the horizon, its first rays of light pushing through the closed curtains as the candles on the dresser flickered one last time.