Chapter 30
There’s been an accident, an accident. Those words echoed in Alec’s mind as he stared through the glass window. Two accidents less than six months apart, each taking a member of his family. He put his hand against the cold glass, glad to feel something other than the sadness that constantly flooded him lately. He was literally feeling sick over the whole thing.
“How’s Blake?” Taylor asked from a few feet away, her voice hoarse.
“Concussion, minor cuts and bruises, a couple broken ribs from the airbag, a broken leg. They’re holding him in his room, though.” Alec didn’t even look over as he answered. Didn’t want to see another person’s anguished face. God, how were they going to tell her? How was anyone going to be able to help her through this?
“Did he say how the hell this happened?”
Alec blinked, recalling walking into his brother’s hospital room, seeing him propped up in bed, his broken leg stretched out in front of him. He’d been so despondent, so lost. He could see the guilt etched on Blake’s face. He was taking all of this on himself, but it wasn’t his fault.
He cleared his throat, trying to dislodge his own guilt over everything. If he hadn’t called Blake, if he’d just convinced her to stay over with him or had taken her there himself, none of this would be happening.
“He hit a slippery patch, couldn’t control it. Neither could the other driver. Almost the exact same way it happened to Josh.”
Taylor let out a deep breath, hugging her arms around herself as she stopped beside him and looked out the window. “Why did she have to lose the baby?” She bowed her head.
“I keep asking myself that.”
She glanced at him. “And what’s your answer?”
Alec shook his head. “I don’t have one.”
***
The woman focused her attention on Josh. He was stoic as a statue, waiting to hear what she had to say, what the decision would be that was going to impact so many people he had loved for such a long time. He didn’t know what else he could have said, could have done to plead his case.
He knew they didn’t like him. He was rebellious. He was a rule breaker. He did what he wanted and damn what they thought, what they wanted from him.
She met his gaze as if appraising him, and he stared right back unabashedly, almost daring her to speak. “You will be allowed one small favor in this situation. You’ll be allowed to tell her yourself about the child.”
The shock reverberated through him, and he stepped back to stabilize himself from stumbling at the news. He shook his head, his lip curled into a sneer as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Great, thanks so much.” The one time she’d be able to see him, touch him, know he was there, he would be the bearer of the worst news imaginable to her.
Her gaze went steely and he shuddered involuntarily. “The child will go with you, Josh. Avery will see the child.”
Evidently they expected him to acquiesce.
He stood even straighter and nodded. “I want to go now, before she has a chance to wake up.” Before anyone else has a chance to tell her.
***
Alec paced the hallway, passing Taylor as they both walked the halls. How could they tell her the news? It was bad enough she’d lost Josh, and now she’d lost their baby as well. It would be devastating if Josh were alive, but now that her last link to him was gone…Alec worried how she was going to take it. There was no good way to say the words, no way to be able to watch the torment she was sure to go through. He was sure it’d be easier to literally have his heart ripped out of his chest than to do this.
Taylor collapsed into the small vinyl chair inside the waiting room. “She’s lost her link to Josh.” She rubbed her face tiredly. “She’ll never get over this.”
Alec nodded his agreement. His friend was voicing his thoughts exactly. “I know. All I keep thinking is, why? She was living for this baby and to lose him now…” He paused, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to keep his emotions under control. “She was weeks away from her due date. Are we sure they did all they could? There was no way…?”
“You heard the doctor, she almost died too. I just keep thinking if Josh were alive, would any of this be happening?”
“No, because he’d be there watching her, taking care of her. She wouldn’t feel so alone all the time.” He had seen it in her eyes when she was with him earlier. She truly thought she was alone in the world. She wasn’t, but there wasn’t any way he could think of to take that feeling away. If she’d felt that way before, it was going to be nothing compared to this loss now.
He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing the fear that was threatening to envelop him would go away. He couldn’t stand to lose his brother, his nephew and Avery all in a short span of a time.
***
It was just after midnight when Gabriel brought Josh back to her room.
Josh didn’t want to do this. He would have given anything for none of this to be happening. How could he find the words to tell her? There were none. All he wanted to do was hold her, let her cry and tell her it would all be okay. A bigger lie he’d never tell her.
There was nothing about this that could be okay. Would ever be okay. The only connection they still shared and always would have had been stolen away from the both of them.
The hospital room was already dark and depressing, the blinds drawn tight, blocking out the full moon’s rays. She looked so small, so fragile, in that hospital bed. He watched the rise and fall of her chest, almost wishing she’d sleep through the night. Gabriel was going to bring the baby when he sensed the time was right.
Josh sank into the chair beside the bed. He didn’t dare wake her yet, not until he knew or at least had an inkling of how to break her heart all over again.
I can’t do this.
The thought went through Josh’s mind for the thousandth time as he played with the hospital bracelet around her wrist. “You didn’t deserve this, baby, none of this. Not losing me, but most of all, not losing him. He would have been the luckiest little boy in all the world to have you as his mommy. I would have loved to have seen the two of you together.”
She shifted slightly. He froze, afraid she’d wake. He wasn’t ready yet. The pain of telling her this was beyond anything he’d ever imagined. “I’m not ready yet, Aves. Just another hour. Okay? Sleep sweet one more hour, because I’m just not ready to break your heart.”
He brushed his tears away as he leaned forward, resting his forehead on the side of her bed. For one brief moment he wished he wasn’t the one doing this, didn’t want to hurt her in a way he could never take back. But he wanted to be there for her as much as he could be, and this was the only way he knew how. At least she’d see him. That was his one lone comfort.
He didn’t know how he was going to do this. He didn’t want to see her reaction. To know that he was the cause of all this pain she was going through. He’d give anything to erase it all, to rewind things back to that brilliantly sunny morning when the biggest problem in his life was beating the traffic.
“How am I going to do this?”
In a distant haze she swore she heard his voice. That just wasn’t possible. Her eyelids felt heavy as she tried to blink away the remains of sleep. “Josh?” She spoke his name without thinking. A completely automatic reflex.
Her eyes opened, showing a dimly lit hospital room. A wave of unease hit her, her gaze searching for signs of why, when she saw him in the chair beside her. “Josh?”
At her voice, his head shot up. He looked startled, like he hadn’t expected her to see him.
“Hi.”
She was speechless. There he was, as real as he had ever been. Not a single transparent thing about him. Had it all been a horrible dream? “What…?” She tried to make sense out of things, but her mind was hazy, like she was trying to find her way through a fog.
“Shhh.” He gave a weak smile. “You’re beautiful.” He pressed his lips together tightly, his gaze going back to the bracelet on her wrist, but she still saw the sheen of tears. “We need to talk.”
“Why can I see you?”
Silence.
She leaned forward slightly. “Josh?” He still sat there, his gaze not meeting hers. “Why…what are you doing here?”
He bowed his head and leaned it against her hand as if trying to summon up the courage to tell her something. She knew that little smile on his face was forced when he looked at her. She wanted to lift her hand and run her fingers through his hair, tell him it was okay, whatever it was, it was okay. His eyes got glossy and he blinked, his gaze focusing on a point over her shoulder for a brief moment before he stared solemnly into her eyes. “You have to stay calm, okay? Take a deep breath for me.”
Instead of doing what he asked, she took a shaky breath and squeezed his hand. “What’s going on?”
“There’s something I was sent here to tell you.” He bit his lip, tears welling up in his eyes. She felt oddly detached as she watched them fall. “Honey, I’m so sorry, so sorry.” His voice broke, and he looked away from her again.
She stared at him in horror. She tried to jerk her hand free from his hold. “No!” she screamed over and over again. Somehow, instinctively, she knew. Her breathing became shallow, and she tried to concentrate on her own body, block out the fact Josh was there beside her, clutching on to her hand. She tried to feel something, that little flutter when Austin had the hiccups. Feel him moving around a little. She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed to feel a sudden reassuring kick. Please, baby, please kick for Mommy.
“Avery…” He held her hand tighter. She could feel the shaking, but she didn’t know if it was his or hers or both. He didn’t let her go. It was like he needed to be connected to her. “Shhh, sweetheart, please…the baby…you were in an accident…they couldn’t save him.”
Her body turned cold. She tried to block out his words. She didn’t want to hear them. Didn’t want to see him. That hurt, too, that he was there to tell her the worst news of her life. She felt his hold tighten around her, distant, like she wasn’t even attached to her own body anymore. Maybe she wasn’t. Part of her wanted to just let go, to be free, to be with the man she loved and the baby they’d lost. To float away, to once and for all be far away from the pain and sadness that engulfed her every day.
“I want to die.” The words came from deep within, and she didn't even know she’d spoken until she saw the tears fall down Josh’s face.
“No, baby, trust me, you don’t.”
“I do. Then we could be together, the three of us like we always should have been. What do I have, Josh? What…?” She shook her head with every word, trying to find a way to put the horrible thoughts in her head into words. “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to be alone. Not without you, not without him. I’ve been without you, it’s too hard. I don’t want to be lonely anymore, Josh. I can’t do this, and I can’t go on without him.”
He squeezed her tighter, and she buried her head against his chest, her fingers tangling tightly in the fabric of his shirt. His familiar scent enveloped her, and she prayed he’d never let her go. “Please, Josh, please,” she pleaded, her sobbing growing louder with every word.
He rocked her slowly, back and forth, never lessening his grip on her. She clung to him, murmuring all the thoughts in her head. The worries. The fact she couldn’t face their room anymore. How could she look at another baby again? How she’d let everyone down. It was all her fault, she should have taken better care of herself from the beginning.
She had no one else to blame.
She’d done this herself.