Chapter 15
Josh chewed his thumbnail. He was worried sick. He didn’t think it was possible, but he was literally sick to his stomach with fear. Nausea mixed with adrenaline made him feel awful. He turned to find Gabriel coming toward him. He hated to admit how just the sight of him now worried Josh, wondering what more bad news he would bring him. What more could possibly go wrong? How could everything just disintegrate that fast?
Gabriel waved as he neared, and Josh tried to make himself seem better than he was. He didn’t want to worry him any more than he already was.
“You wouldn’t believe how much I hurt. I just want to see her, to know she’s okay. That the baby’s okay.”
“The panel—”
“Yeah, yeah I get it. They think I did something wrong, but I need to know she’s okay, that the panel isn’t lying to you. I need to know, G.” Gabriel was the only person he could confide in. He hadn’t met a single soul since he’d been there besides Gabriel and the panel. “Please,” he reiterated. “You can go to her again, can’t you? Please? Just let me know she’s okay.” Josh’s voice broke, and he bowed his head, trying to regain his composure. He hated feeling as weak as he did. He strained the sand through his fingers. No one understood him. Understood her. Was he really the only one who could see what was happening? That she was on a path that was headed nowhere good?
Gabriel’s expression softened. “Just to make sure she’s all right, that everyone’s looking out for her?”
Josh nodded eagerly. “I just…knowing the way she is G, I need to know. She’s my world. I want to know she and our son are really all right.” He kept having this feeling, this little inkling of sorts that something wasn’t right. It wasn’t just because he was away from them. This was something else entirely. A premonition of sorts, maybe.
Something like he should have felt that morning…but he hadn’t, but whatever it was he was definitely feeling it now.
***
Avery sighed to herself. There was still a hint of his aftershave in the air, and she wondered what she’d do when it faded completely away. She took a step toward the row of shirts, her eyes scanning them. She needed a t-shirt, nothing more. In fact she had half a dozen nightshirts of her own in a drawer right in their bedroom, but she wanted something of his. To keep him close to her and the baby right now. “He wouldn’t mind, would he?”
Taylor looked up from where she’d been folding the t-shirts she’d brought up in the laundry hamper. They hadn’t let Avery do a thing since she’d gotten home an hour ago. It amazed her in a way that they’d let her take a shower by herself. She was sure Taylor had hovered nearby in case she needed someone.
It was like heaven to be home again. To not be in that cramped hospital bed. To have the chance for fresh air and room to stretch out once she got in bed. She knew if she didn’t grab a shirt soon, Alec would probably come upstairs and carry her to bed himself. She was supposed to be on bed rest after all.
“Of course not.” Taylor’s voice was soft in the silence of the room. “Now come on, change and get some rest. Remember what the doctor told you today.”
Like she’d ever forget. Those words were emblazoned in her mind. “I need to rest.” She slid one of his t-shirts off the hanger and draped it over her arm. She was starting to feel tired again. Weary. “It just gets so lonely sometimes,” she confessed.
“Do you want me to stay with you? I can get my things from the guest room and stay in here with you if you want.”
“Can we just talk till I fall asleep?”
“Course.”
Taylor left to change into her pajamas, and Avery shut the door softly behind her. She leaned her forehead against the closed door for a moment, her fingers rubbing the soft cotton of his t-shirt.
She was strong. She could do this.
***
Avery was still groggy as she slowly struggled to blink her eyes open. She lay there in that bleary state of consciousness, trying to focus on something in the dimness of the bedroom to help her wake up. She swore she’d felt something, something that had been strong enough to pull her out of sleep. She yawned as she lay still and waited, a sudden smile crossing her face as she felt that sensation again—the tiniest little flutter.
The baby.
Her hand instinctively reached to the other side of the bed and brushed against the coolness of the sheets. “Josh, the baby’s kicking,” she said excitedly as she sat up, meaning to shake him awake. As soon as she sat up, she realized the silence of the house was too silent, and it hit her. Josh was gone. Gone.
She reached out and grabbed his pillow. She clutched the cool fabric to her chest, using it to muffle the sound of her sobs, muting her cry as she called out his name over and over, letting the tide of emotions overtake her. Of all the things she’d wanted to share with him, this moment was one she always thought he’d be there for. And now it had been stolen away from her.
***
The beach was deserted. The sun had just started to rise above the horizon, casting everything in a haze of golden orange. Josh kicked at the sand at his feet, head bowed, completely lost in thought. He couldn’t even appreciate the beauty around him, the colors reflecting off the water, let alone the sense of peace that seemed to be there in that moment, everything quiet and serene.
It seemed like it had been forever since he was able to think, to complete a thought, to focus on anything. Fear had blinded him, numbed him to a point where he finally believed he was dead. The news of the near miscarriage had shaken him to his core. After Gabriel had left him with the news, he’d walked, must have walked the whole night and day, not sure where he was or where he was headed. He just needed to keep moving. The urge to go to her was so overwhelming, he’d barely been able to keep from begging Gabriel to take him to her.
He couldn’t believe an event like that wouldn’t have given him an appeal, yet there had been nothing, not even a hint of a small possibility. Meanwhile Gabriel was keeping his distance, something Josh appreciated. He’d been doing some serious thinking, and there was really only one conclusion—he was going back. He was going to her. All he needed to do was figure out how to get there, how to get back to her.
Exhausted, he dropped to the sand and stretched his legs out in front of him. He didn’t know how to get to her, but there had to be a way. If Gabriel could do it, he could.
He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there, focused on the water but not seeing the waves crash the shore. Instead he’d been visualizing her in his mind. Trying to figure out what it was going to take to transport him back to her when his senses started to stir. There was movement further down the beach, and he turned his head, shielding his eyes with his hand. Gabriel walked toward him. For a moment Josh stilled, worried that he was bringing more bad news.
He jumped up off the sand as Gabriel neared. “Did you see her?”
Gabriel fought back his tears as he nodded. He’d been there in the room checking up on her when she woke up to the baby kicking for the first time. It was all he could do not to give her a sign right then and there, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t even a part of her life, and his heart broke seeing her cry out for Josh.
“What happened?”
Gabriel managed a weak smile as he took a seat next to Josh on the warm sand. He wished he’d been able to share with him what he witnessed, for him to have been there for such an important moment. “She felt the baby kick. He woke her up.”
Josh sat perfectly still for a minute, simply staring ahead at the horizon, unblinking, just lost in the moment. Gabriel watched the sheen of tears appear, and Josh bowed his head as he tried to wipe them away. Gabriel felt his pain. He knew that Josh had wanted to be there the first time she felt the baby move. In a perfect world, he would have been right there beside her, feeling it for himself as they shared that moment together. “How is she?”
“I assume she’s okay. She’s at home. Her best friend was there when I arrived.”
Josh’s head was foggy as he tried to digest all the info. Sometimes he couldn’t believe that life moved on without him. “She was?”
Gabriel nodded. “She talked to Avery until she fell asleep, then slipped downstairs to do some things for her. She’s worried about all the stress on her.”
“It’s not good for the baby,” Josh reasoned. “The…what happened proved that.” He jumped to his feet and paced back and forth, needing to do something to try and settle his nerves. The excess energy, the anger, weighed him down inside. He hated feeling useless, which was exactly what he was at that point. He couldn’t do anything to help the woman he loved. He couldn’t even be around to comfort her. He knew she sensed him at times, she could feel his energy there. He could feel it in her, the way she wasn’t so upset. The little bit of peace he could sense in her.
“Why us? Why did any of this have to happen to us?”
Gabriel studied his hands for a long moment, making Josh wonder what he was thinking. He wished he could read his mind, something it seemed Gabriel was more than capable of where he was concerned. “Things happen for a reason.”
Josh shook his head dismissively. “I’m beginning to think the panel just likes messing with people’s lives.”
“Josh—”
“You know that the panel should have sent me back. They told me it wasn’t my time, but they still kept me here. How fair is that?”
“They have—”
“They have what?” Josh demanded. “Reasons? Yeah, well I have my own reasons. I have a whole lot of reasons why I need to be alive, starting with two very important people.” His frustration was beginning to build. Why did it seem like he was arguing with mannequins every time he went before the panel? A statue would show more emotion than they did. “Why the hell didn’t they send me to be with her? She needed me, Gabriel. You can’t say she didn’t need me! I could have been there with her, she would have known. Some part of her would have known I was with her.”
Gabriel winced as Josh’s voice rose from talking to shouting. “You need to calm down.”
Calm down? That was a good one. “Yeah, there’s a bunch of things I need a lot more than calming down before that even makes the list.”
***
It felt so good to finally be out of bed for a while. She could only take so much lying there, the laptop on the other side of the bed, a stack of magazines and whoever had time to spend with her camped out in the armchair or on the edge of the bed. She’d watched every season of half her favorite shows. She’d been waited on by half her closest friends and family. She’d barely been on her own for ten minutes, even when she was in the shower, Taylor hung around in the bedroom, claiming to just be dropping off some laundry or offering to make the bed, but more than likely to be there just in case. Those three words scared Avery to the core. She wasn’t supposed to lift anything anymore and she was taking that literally. It seemed like everyone was weighing the weight of everything before they handed it to her. The plate with the slice of pizza. A basket of laundry was whisked away before she could even reach for it. She hadn’t poured herself her own drink in days. Was she really that fragile?
But the doctor had finally cleared her for a few hours out of bed, with strict orders to take it easy.
Avery picked up the few shirts she’d washed herself that morning and hung them up in the closet. For once, the house was quiet. No visitors, no well meaning friends bringing by lunch or magazines or a movie she just had to see. Six weeks of bed rest had been more than enough and she was still on strict orders to take it easy. Only be out of bed for a few hours before sitting back down, feet up again. But she’d take whatever little glimpses of freedom she had.
She’d promised everyone she’d keep her cell phone on her and text or call if she needed anything. The scare had done more than rattle just her. It had scared them all.
***
She checked the date on the calendar again, her stomach sinking as she realized it was exactly three months since the accident. As if sensing his mother’s sadness, the baby kicked, and Avery rubbed her abdomen reassuringly, smiling at the sensation. How she loved the little flutters that were getting stronger and stronger, the little kicks that she thought were his way of showing her he was still there. “It’s okay, baby, Mommy’s okay. I just miss your daddy.” Even the date was enough to get to her, just looking at the large bold number in front of her on the fridge door, a constant reminder of what should have been going on in her life. Josh’s little notes were still there. He had tickets to a baseball game the next weekend with Blake. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. She didn’t need to dwell on it, the should have beens, the could have beens. That was what had caused everything to go wrong in the first place.
“Miss him more than anyone understands.” She opened the fridge door and took out a cold ginger ale.
Unknown to her, Josh stood behind her, his hands skimming over her hair. “I do, baby.”
She shivered for a moment before closing the fridge door and rubbing her left arm for warmth. “Daddy loved us, baby.” She opened the small bottle and took a slow sip.
“More than you know, than you’ll ever know.”
She put her drink down on the counter and adjusted the blinds on the window over the sink, looking out at the trees. The wind had picked up, the leaves swaying back and forth. “I can’t dwell on that.”
“Just hurts you, sweetheart.” He stood beside her, angling his body closer. “I never, ever wanted to hurt you. You were my everything.” He chewed his bottom lip as he stared out at the backyard. In the back of his mind, he caught himself wondering what life would have been like right then if he’d been alive. Maybe they’d have gotten married by then.
She played with her engagement ring, spinning it slowly around her finger. Josh sighed silently. “What are you thinking, baby?” He saw a small flicker of light in her eyes. “It’s about us, isn’t it?” He reached out and brushed the hair back off her face. To his amazement, it moved back with his touch.
Avery shuddered. She reached up and smoothed her hair back. “Wonder where you are, Josh.”
“Right beside you, baby. I’m not leaving you alone again.” He leaned on the kitchen counter, resting his forehand against his hands. Why didn’t this ever get any easier? Why was it he’d give anything for just another moment with her, a chance to take away her hurt and pain for even half a second? That he’d trade anything to take away everything that had happened for a lifetime. “If I’d had some idea, I would have forced Gabriel to bring me here. I hate thinking how scared you must have been. I keep blaming myself. God, if you would have lost him...” He lifted his head to find her standing there, staring out the window into the distance. He wanted to reach out to her so bad, to have her know he was really there with her. “You’re going to be okay, I promise you that. I’m going to take care of you as much as I can. Nothing’s going to hurt you, all right?” He closed his eyes. “Nothing’s going to hurt you as bad as I did.”
***
He sat on their bed and watched as she got ready to go to sleep. Being away from her for so long, for what felt like an eternity to him, he now saw all the little things he would have glossed over before. How tired she really was. The slight shake in her hands when she touched something of his as she moved around the room and, most important, how every once in a while she put her hand over the baby, as if reassuring herself he was still there.
Seeing her headed for the closet, he stood up and followed her inside. “Aren’t you supposed to rest?” he asked as she crouched down and pulled a small box out from one of the shelves on her side of the closet. He frowned as she walked past him, achingly close enough to touch.
Avery set the small box on its side and crawled into bed. The house was blissfully silent for once. No company. No one questioning her about the baby or how she felt, wanting her to talk, telling her it would help if she just got things out. What was there to say? They all knew how she felt. They knew she’d lost a part of herself when Josh died, a part that no matter what happened wasn’t going to come back. She couldn’t just put a smile on her face every day because someone else expected her to. That wasn’t her. That wasn’t anything she could do. It was enough to get out of bed some mornings and not lie there, praying to just go, go to Josh and stay there, because, really, how could she face life without him? And the scare with the baby had just made her think that way all the more.
If Josh hadn’t died, none of this would be happening. She’d be having a textbook pregnancy. The doctor had even told her that, as if the words would have cheered her up or made her change her behavior, her thoughts, her emotions. She just couldn’t turn off the fact she’d lost the love of her life and move on. What was she supposed to do? Forget every single thing about him? The way he’d tease her or the way he’d pick a fight with her just for the hell of it. The way his eyes became a dark, stormy blue the angrier he got. The way he’d smile when he pulled her against him. His stunned expression when she told him she was pregnant. None of that could be erased, and she didn’t want it to be. She clung to every memory with all she had, praying for them to never fade. She hated to think there could ever be a day when she didn’t remember what his voice was like, the way he hugged her tight…that one day it could all just be gone, like he was.
She picked up the oversized teddy bear from his spot on the armchair and clutched the soft plush bear against her chest, the fur tickling the bare skin exposed by the neck of the t-shirt of Josh’s she wore. She reached up and turned the lamp off before she closed her eyes and rolled away from his empty side of the bed, her box of photos forgotten.
He curled up beside her. That old t-shirt of his was faded with a hole in the neck the size of a nickel, and yet she still wore it as happily as if it were brand new, fresh out of the shopping bag. “Someday you’ll move on,” he whispered, his gaze landing on the row of framed pictures on the dresser. She’d rearranged them since he’d last been there. Now the picture of the two of them backstage at her favorite concert was front and center. One of the biggest surprises he’d managed to pull off in their entire relationship. He’d never seen her so surprised as she’d been that day, the excitement in her eyes when she realized what he’d done.
He rubbed his forehead for a moment. What he wouldn’t give to see her eyes light up like that one more time. To see her smile reach her eyes.
Reaching out, he put his arm around her, startled when it didn’t go through like it normally did. Scooting closer, he rested his chin on her shoulder. “You’re so amazing, baby. So strong. You’re going to be such a good mom to our little boy.”
Avery rolled on her back, swearing that sudden chill was back. A wave of icy air brushed against her skin, the gentlest of touches. Her hand reached out and rested on top of the cool pillow, her fingers tracing circles on the pillowcase. “If that’s you, Josh, I’m sorry about the baby and everything. I promise I’ll take better care of myself. This baby means so much to all of us. I just…I never thought all this crying would cause…” She pressed her lips together to keep the tears away. “Would hurt the baby.” She took a deep breath. “Just don’t be upset with me, please, Josh.”
“How could you think I’d blame you for any of this, sweetheart?” he whispered, kissing the top of her head. “It’s my fault because I wasn’t protecting you. You had so much strain because I’m not with you. I wanted you to have a calm pregnancy. Remember when I told you we wouldn’t fight? I meant it, sweetheart.” He rested his hand over the baby, telling himself he wasn’t crazy, that he could feel the soft cotton of her nightshirt and the warmth of her body heat beneath his palm. “I heard he’s kicking now. I hope I get to feel it one of these days.”
She blinked her tears away. It was back. The sound of Josh’s voice, so distant that she couldn’t make out every word. Just a mumble like he was rooms away. She wanted so much to roll over and see him again, to stare into those blue eyes she’d fallen in love with. To see that smile that was just for her. The way he’d laugh and pull her against him, the feeling of being safe and secure in his arms. That whole feeling of being loved. It had been wiped out in an instant, and she wasn’t sure she’d ever feel that way again.
She shifted positions, trying to get more comfortable. The baby moved, no doubt wide awake like his mother, and she rested her hand on her abdomen, as if reminding herself he was really still there. “He’s kicking now, you know?” She bit her lip. Talking to the darkness was crazy, but she needed to talk to Josh. Even if she’d never know for sure he was there or that he could hear her, it helped her to talk to him. To tell him things that she couldn’t bring herself to tell anyone else. “Maybe you do. It’s strange not knowing what you know, what you don’t. I wish you would have felt it. I’d love to have seen your reaction the first time you felt him kick.” She smiled in memory of feeling the sensation. “It was so unexpected…so amazing. I called out for you.” Her smile faded and the chill around her intensified. She leaned back into it. “It’s just so hard to believe you’re gone. It’s been months already and I still forget. Still think you’re going to walk in here any minute.”
“Sweetheart…” He hated the lost look in her eyes, the pain that she tried so hard to hide from everyone. Was he the only one who could see it? The slightest tremble in her fingers when she reached for something. She was getting better at acting like nothing mattered anymore, that even his name didn’t tear her apart inside, but he saw the glossiness that always appeared in her eyes that she was quick to blink away. “If I had any way to come back to you, I’d be back in an instant. I hate that I’m not with you the way I want. I want to be your husband. I wanted you to have the wedding you always planned. I wanted to tease you about making me wear a tux…most of all I just want to be with you. I want you to know that, baby. This hurts me worse than it hurts you.”
Suddenly the baby kicked like an exclamation mark on his words, and they both looked down at her abdomen. Josh bit his lip in surprise. He’d felt it. Right there beneath his hand, like he really was there again, back in the physical world. “Avery…” He looked at her in amazement. The baby kicked again, right under his hand, with more oomph this time as if he knew his father was there.
Avery smiled tiredly. “Trying to add your input, baby? Want to tell Daddy you miss him, too? Miss him talking to you in the mornings?”
“I miss talking to him in the mornings,” Josh replied. “I miss everything.” Silence filled the room. He propped himself up on his elbow beside her. “I love you so much.” His fingers began to trace circles over the baby as he spoke, trying to soothe the both of them.
She took a shaky breath. “Don’t even want to think about life without the two of you. I lost you, Josh, I’m not ready to lose our son.”
Josh traced the lone tear as it slid down her cheek. “You’re not going to have to think about it, sweetheart. It’s not going to happen. Our son is going to be here in a few short months. He’s going to be in your arms soon.” He ran his fingers through her hair that fanned across her pillow. He ached to feel it between his fingers like he used to. “He’s going to know his mama and his family, all those crazy uncles of his.” Josh’s eyes closed as he tried to keep his tears back and for once he was grateful she couldn’t hear him. “He’ll have everyone but me.”
***
“Where have you been?” Gabriel asked as Josh approached.
“Wandering around,” he lied. He’d decided there was no need for anyone to know where he was. He was where he was supposed to be. Meant to be. With Avery. The way things were supposed to be, the way they would be if the panel actually gave a damn about anyone he cared about.
“I was looking for you.” Gabriel’s expression told Josh he was worried about him. The concern was nice, but really that was the last thing he needed. He didn’t need his friend getting suspicious.
“Sorry.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Lost track of time, I guess.”
“Easy to do up here.” Gabriel studied him in silence for a few moments, and Josh cleared his mind, wiping free any memories of where he’d just been in case Gabriel possessed some mind reading powers he wasn’t aware of. “Josh, I know you worry about her and the baby, and I’ve gone to the panel. If anything ever happens again, you’ll be contracted right away. You’ll be allowed to see her, no questions asked.”
Josh wanted to laugh, but he controlled himself. “That’s reassuring,” he said sarcastically. “Wouldn’t you say that comes a bit late? What if she’d had a miscarriage, G? Avery would have gone through it without me.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“You don’t know she wouldn’t have.” Josh’s eyes narrowed. “I have no need for the panel.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” Josh looked his friend in the eyes. “Where am I, Gabriel? Not where I should be, I’ll tell you that.” Gabriel looked like he was about to speak, then thought better of it.
There was no argument Gabriel could come up with that would make any sense to him. All he was concerned about was the effect of this on the woman he loved.