Chapter 2
Josh sat on the bed, his legs crossed in front of him, aching as she cried beside him. Huddled up in a ball, one of his old button down shirts on top of her night shirt, she hugged the teddy bear to her, her sobs becoming hiccups that shook her whole body.
He ached from the pain of watching her. From wanting to hold her. To tell her to just hold on, have faith. That this was a nightmare they’d get through. She just had to give him time, just a little bit of time to figure this whole thing out, and he’d find his way back to her. And he’d give her the world, because how was any of this right?
He hadn’t left her side from the moment he’d appeared in the kitchen that morning. Watching his brothers break the news to her and Alec carrying her upstairs afterward like a little girl. Blake on the phone, first to the doctor then trying to get hold of the rest of the family, their parents and hers, who were somewhere in Europe on vacation. The doctor had been the first to come by, checking on her and giving her something to help calm her down. He’d seemed to think it had helped because he left an hour before, but Josh wasn’t so sure. She still shook, the tears hadn’t stopped for a moment, and when he looked into her eyes, the pain was enough to kill him all over again. He reached out, wanting to wipe her tears away, frustration growing inside of him when he remembered he couldn’t touch her. Couldn’t do anything for her.
He jumped off the bed, his frustration mounting.
He walked around their bedroom, his fingers trailing over every surface he passed, unable to feel a thing. He realized he’d forgotten to shut the closet door that morning. His spare set of car keys lay on her dresser. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her move in bed, and he froze, almost tricking himself into believing his moving around had caused her to stir.
Hearing her call for him in her sleep made his heart break all over again. The pain of not being able to comfort her was excruciating. It was almost too much to take. Enough that he almost wanted to go, to walk away, but he couldn’t. He needed her to know he was there, that he loved her and was never going anywhere, even if she couldn’t see him.
“Avery, Baby…don’t…” He went over and knelt beside her side of the bed. Even in the darkness of the room, he could see the fresh tears that glistened on her face. “Don’t cry, Aves, I’m coming home. I’m coming back to you and our baby. I am. I promise.”
His hand rested near hers. It didn’t look any different than it ever had. Wasn’t he supposed to be nothing more than a wispy figure it he was really and truly gone? Why did none of it make sense? Why did it all feel so wrong, like a giant mistake only he recognized?
He reached up and ran his fingers down the side of her face. He must have been crazy, because for just a moment he thought he felt the warmth of her skin beneath his fingertips. “I promise you.”
The bedroom door opened. She heard the tentative footsteps as someone came into the room, nearing the bed. She didn’t want anyone around her right now. She pulled the teddy bear closer to her as if he’d bring her closer to Josh somehow. It still smelled of his aftershave. She hugged him tighter, her bottom lip trembling so much she had to bite it to try and get it to stop.
“Avery?” Alec’s voice broke through the darkness. For a moment she wondered how much time had passed. It had been bright and sunny when Alec had brought her up there. Even with the curtains drawn, the room seemed especially dark.
She knew the guys hadn’t left after the doctor had given her whatever it was he’d administered. Something designed to relax her. To keep her calm. All it did was make everything more surreal. She hadn’t been able to stop herself from pulling out her cell phone to text Josh a message. She’d stuffed her phone under his pillow, praying for his ringtone to play, to let her know that this was the cruelest of jokes, that he was okay, he was alive and coming back to her. To them.
Someone had made a mistake somewhere. He may have been in an accident, but that was all. He was in a hospital somewhere, lying in a hospital bed trying to get hold of her. That was the thought she clung to, the one that made it easier to breathe. The one hope she had.
“Go away, Alec.” She snuggled deeper under the blankets, hoping he’d do what she wanted. She wanted her space. Her silence. Her privacy to cry her eyes out. Her gaze locked on the framed photos on her nightstand, Josh’s smiling face staring back at her from each one. “I still feel him around, he’s still here.” Every breath brought her another waft of his cologne, like he was right there with her, mere inches away.
The footsteps moved closer, and a moment later the mattress went down near her as Alec sat. “He always will be. He’d never leave you.” His voice trailed off. She knew he was looking at the photos just like she was. His hand rested on her back, no doubt his attempt to soothe her a little. “Be downstairs if you need me, okay?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.
She nodded and he stood up. A few moments later the door closed again behind him.
She stared at the note she’d put on the nightstand hours before. Her hand reached toward it, then she pulled quickly back as she got near, stupidly afraid to even touch the paper. She lay there, motionless, her hand frozen in the air, partway to the last words he’d ever leave her. Was she strong enough for this? Finally gathering her nerve, she made contact with the paper and picked it up. She held it in front of her in the dim light of the room and unfolded the note carefully, trying to be as silent as possible, knowing if she made any type of noise, someone would come running to check on her.
Morning Aves,
Five more minutes till I gotta be on the road. I didn’t want to wake you because I know you need your rest. You were so restless last night. You know how much I love watching you sleep? I could spend a whole day doing just that.
Be good and don’t do too much while I’m gone since now I have two of you to worry about.
Call you as soon as I get there.
I love you.
Josh
She ran her fingers over the writing. “Why didn’t you wake me up? I never got to say goodbye.” She let the paper fall out of her hands to the top of the bed before she rolled back over, her hand balled up into a tight fist. She pounded his pillow over and over again, letting all her emotions out with every hit. “I could have kept you here, I could have…”
Her thoughts became her mantra. I could have kept you here, I could have, I could have.
The guilt of her not having been able to stop it, to stop him from going anywhere that morning gnawed at her. Made her feel sick. Every tremble intensified the nauseated feeling and she started to realize she’d barely managed a couple bites of toast before her world had crashed down around her, leaving it completely unrecognizable.
She started to shake again, but she ignored it and kept hitting the pillow, needing something to lessen her pain. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…” The words came out with every choked sob, the emotions inside of her bubbling over. She screamed Josh’s name over and over again, the sound echoing off the walls until Alec came running back into the room. “Avery?”
The bed shifted with the addition of Alec’s weight, and it took a moment before she realized he was beside her, cradling her in his arms.
She was so exhausted. So drained. She felt so sick. Her world was gone. Everything was in a daze. It hurt to blink. It hurt to breathe, and it literally ached to have his face stare back at her from every picture that littered the room. Why him? She bit hard on her lip to keep it from trembling, wanting to stop the emotion from coming out. She never knew it was possible to hurt so much. Emotionally. Physically. All she wanted to do was bury herself under the covers and hibernate until she could see Josh again.
“He never woke me up, Alec. I never saw him this morning. Never got the chance to tell him I love him one last time. I didn’t get to kiss him goodbye.”
He leaned his head against hers, and seconds later his warm tears fell against her forehead as he rocked her back and forth like an infant, trying to calm her down. “None of us got to say goodbye, Aves.”
“Why him, Alec? Why Josh? He…he’ll never see our baby.”
He stroked her hair, holding her close, all the while staying silent. It hit her that Josh would never hold her that way again, and she huddled closer to Alec and shut her eyes, trying so desperately to remember what it felt like to be that close to Josh.
***
Blake didn’t know what to do. To be in that house without Josh, knowing that his brother would never walk through that front door again, was too much to take. He jumped off the sofa, his nerves getting the better of him. He didn’t know how long he’d be able to handle staying there. The rain beat a steady patter against the windows, reminding him of what happened that morning, its constant falling mirroring the tears they all seemed to be continuously shedding. He just had the overwhelming need to move. To do something. If it were nice out, he would have gone outside. Sat on the deck or maybe gone for a run around the neighborhood to try to burn off the frustration, the anger that built inside of him. He found himself heading down the back hallway. He paused in front of the half open door to Josh’s home office. He nudged it with his foot, but the door swung open silently like he was being invited in. Dim light peeked in through the partially closed wooden blinds on the windows. Blake stepped in, careful to listen for footsteps coming back downstairs, but none came.
He studied the walls. Photos of everyone over the years and framed sports posters and jerseys competed for space. There was barely a speck of paint visible. Josh’s face stared back at him from a shot of just the two of them from the Christmas before. Blake shook his head ruefully, the burning of tears almost unbearable. Why hadn’t he felt something? He was Josh’s older brother, he’d looked out for him his entire life, why hadn’t he had a feeling, some sort of warning to cancel? To keep Josh safe. “You’re too young to be gone, man. I don’t think it’s sinking in yet, that you’re not coming back. How’s Avery going to raise that baby without you?”
He waited, almost like he expected to hear Josh’s voice in reply. To get an answer from somewhere. An inkling even, some piece of advice to help them all move forward, but there was nothing, just a silence, a stillness he hadn’t ever experienced and never wanted to again. He picked up a framed photo of Josh and Avery from the desk, the two of them backstage at one of her favorite band’s concerts. “I’ll help her as much as I can, Josh. We all will. I promise you that, little bro.” Blake sank down onto his office chair and put his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking with unshed emotion.
Josh stood a few feet away. He couldn’t handle being there, listening to Blake talk about him, trying to hold a conversation. It was a nightmare of frustration for Josh. He wanted to reply back to everything his brother had said. He wanted to shout I’m still here, but no one would hear him. He wanted to pick something up and smash it against the wall, to make some sort of sign as to his presence, to let them know he wasn’t gone. He was still there. They just needed to pick up on him. To feel his pain that mirrored their own.
***
Alec headed down the dark hallway. He couldn’t stop himself from checking on her every half hour or so. After she’d started screaming for Josh, he was growing more and more worried. The sedative didn’t seem to be helping her any. And if it was, and this was calmer, he was really worried about what would happen when it finally did wear off.
The living room was abandoned, yet the widescreen television mounted on the wall was turned down low. A thin strip of light seeped beneath the sliding door to the kitchen. He pushed the door open, blinking as he stepped into the sudden brightness.
Blake immediately looked up as he came into the kitchen. Alec shut the door behind him. “How is she?”
“Devastated. She finally fell asleep…” He headed straight for the coffee pot and poured himself a fresh mug before going to join Blake at the table. He barely noticed the time on the clock as he passed. Was it really less than twenty-four hours ago they’d all been living a normal life? “Or at least I think she did, last time I peeked in she was lying there staring up at the ceiling.”
“Did you see her shake?” Blake stared into his own coffee cup as Alec took a seat. “She couldn’t stop, even when we were holding her, she wouldn’t stop.”
“This can’t be healthy for the baby.” The kitchen was the one room where there wasn’t much of Josh to be found. The only sign was his favorite mug still perched near the edge of the counter, no doubt left there that morning before he headed out. Alec rubbed his forehead, looking down at the glass table. Everything was like being in a fog. It had been since that horrible visit from the police that morning. It was a nightmare he wanted to wake up from, to realize it was just a bad dream, something his subconscious had created to torment him with. His closest brother, the one he turned to for everything, was gone. And now…now he didn’t know what to do or think or say. Every time he looked at Avery the most helpless feeling in the world came over him. He knew he’d never forget her face or the way she’d crumpled in front of them when Blake broke the news.
He forced his tears back and focused on his coffee as the realness of it all fully hit him. That his big brother wasn’t going to come down those stairs in a few minutes to turn the game on TV. That he’d never pick up the phone and hear him laugh in his ear. A lump grew in his throat and he took a deep breath, catching his oldest brother’s attention. Sheepish, he turned his concentration to his coffee and downed half of it in a single gulp, the burning of it in his throat the first real thing he’d felt in hours.
Josh leaned against the wall across from the kitchen table. He wasn’t going anywhere. Not tonight. Gabriel could just try and drag him away. He needed to be there for everyone. Needed to do something, to prove to them that he was still there, that he was okay.
He crossed his arms in front of his chest. His older brother’s eyes were red and puffy from crying, and Alec had spent the last hour sitting against the bedroom door, just listening to Avery cry, in case she needed him. It killed Josh inside to know the pain everyone was going through. He could feel it literally if he concentrated hard enough, a crushing ache that could pin him against the wall if he let it. It would paralyze him.
He focused his attention on his older brother, trying to make him look over, to somehow make him see him. Just a hint of him even for a second.
C’mon, Blake. Josh concentrated on him, trying to get him to look his way for even an instant. He lifted his hand and waved. Nothing. Not even the slightest tilt of his brother’s head.
Blake suddenly pushed back from the kitchen table and headed to refill his cold coffee. He dumped the contents down the sink before rinsing out his mug. The house was quiet, just the low murmur of the television in the living room. He’d turned his cell phone off hours ago, not wanting to deal with the texts from concerned friends. The house phone was turned down low, the answering machine on mute. He’d seen the blinking light earlier indicating it was out of room. He wasn’t about to hit play, not wanting to hear anyone’s worried voice. Not wanting to somehow erase any message Josh had left for Avery in the past, knowing she’d want to listen to it again. He’d already listened to the last few voicemails on his phone when Alec had been upstairs with Avery, needing that one last connection with his brother. Just to hear Josh say hi and crack a dumb joke, remind him he was coming early that morning and there had better be coffee on when he got there. If he had to be up that early, so did the rest of them.
He filled his coffee mug again and set it down beside him before he leaned against the counter, exhaustion starting to take over. He stared blankly at the stainless steel fridge in front of him, lost in his own thoughts as he read the whiteboard calendar filled with Avery and Josh’s familiar handwriting, one neat and precise, clearly legible, the other a hurried scribble detailing a schedule that now would never be. His heart sank as he saw Josh’s note on a date just a week away. Happy Anniversary, Baby.
Blake rubbed the back of his neck absently, dropping his gaze down as he blinked back a sudden rush of fresh tears. He’d never cried so much in his life, never felt the pain that gripped his heart in a vise that never let go. From the corner of his eye, he watched his younger brother slump down in his seat at the kitchen table, his eyes closed. Whether he was finally drifting off for some much needed sleep or just lost in his own thoughts, Blake wasn’t sure. Fighting back a yawn, he swore he saw movement behind Alec and lifted his gaze, expecting to see Avery. For the briefest of seconds he swore Josh stood there, staring at him intently.
Blake blinked, once, twice and the image was gone. An illusion ended far too soon. He shook his head in an effort to clear it and grabbed his coffee, pouring a second fresh one for Alec before heading back to the table.
Alec lifted his head as he neared, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Blake held the coffee out to him. “You should try and get some sleep.”
“Can’t.” His voice was roughened by the emotion of the day and he took a long drink of his black coffee. “Too many thoughts keep rushing through my head.”
Blake took a seat. “Like what?”
Alec wrapped his hands around his coffee mug. “I keep thinking that Josh would want us to look after her.”
“No question about that.” Blake glanced around the kitchen, almost wishing he’d see another figment of his imagination, another trace of his brother, but only their shadows played on the wall.
Alec cast a look around, no doubt hoping for the same thing he was. He took a deep breath before speaking. “I think the worst thing we can do is leave her alone in this house. There’s too much of Josh here.”
“Agreed.” Blake’s gaze swept back to the spot behind his brother where he swore he’d seen a glimpse of Josh. There was nothing visible but their shadows. He knew there was no way he’d seen Josh. Still, there was some part of him that was relieved just to think he had. A little sense of peace, to know his little brother was there and was okay.