Chapter 9
Josh ran, wanting to just get out of that building and away from those people, beings, whatever, whoever they thought they were that they could control everyone’s destiny.
“How’d you catch up to me?” Josh asked as he finally reached the outside of the building and Gabriel stood in front of him.
The man simply smiled. “It’s one of my many talents. Josh, you need to calm down.”
“Why? I lost everything, Gabriel. You heard them, I’m banned from seeing everyone…from seeing her. I may have just lost my son.” Exhaustion washed over him like a tidal wave. He let out a deep sigh as he stared off into the horizon. The bright sunshine overhead and brilliant blue of the sky seemed to mock him. Everything seemed so alive, except for him. “I have nothing.” His shoulders shook as fresh tears burned his eyes. “Nothing, not a damn thing.” Disallowed from seeing those he loved and cared about most. What could hurt more than that? To not be able to see her, to try and protect her in whatever way he could. He knew she could feel him there, that somehow his presence soothed her even if she had no way of gauging it herself. She knew. Just the same way he’d known when she needed him before.
“They may have been overreacting.”
“And if they weren’t? I spend eternity alone. Wondering—worrying—about everyone.” He shook his head, trying to sort through the thoughts that were racing around his mind. Never seeing her again. Never being able to hear her voice. To see her smile. To see his child for the first time. To see his family. He wiped his eyes as the tears began to fall and looked up to find Gabriel in front of him, concern clearly etched on his face. “You know something…” He cleared his throat, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. The sooner he was able to think about her without this rush of pain, the better. “Last night with her, letting her know I was okay…I’d do it again, just to have held her in my arms one more time.” He looked at his friend. Gabriel’s gaze was serious. “It felt so right G, why would they think any of it was wrong?”
“That panel is very particular, especially where rules are concerned.” Gabriel’s voice softened.
“Great. Good to know,” Josh said sarcastically. Maybe he’d find a nice beach somewhere and just walk. He’d walk straight into the ocean if he could and keep on walking, though he knew he’d never get the desired effect. “So the ban’s taken effect, I assume?”
“Not yet.”
Josh hesitated. “What?” He’d assumed it was instantaneous. That once the words were spoken, that was it. He was punished.
“They have to go through the proper motions. Papers need to be filed. If you calm down, you may be able to squeeze in a little last time with some of your loved ones.” Gabriel began to walk away. When Josh wasn’t right behind him, he turned. “Aren’t you coming?”
***
Josh walked slowly through the dark house, taking a moment to take everything in. He wanted to feel his connection with her again, to let it sink into him so he’d have something to hold onto. He went into the room they’d designated as the nursery at the end of the hall, just a few steps away from their own, and suddenly it hit him. Their one night together had cost him everything.
He stood there imagining the future. The crib, the change table, the dresser, the rocking chair, pale blue clouds and their son’s name stenciled on the wall, stuffed animals in every corner, waiting to be clutched by tiny hands. Everything that Avery would need for the baby. An image floated through his mind, her in the rocking chair, holding their tiny son in her arms, both of them sound asleep. He slid down the wall, resting his hands on top of his knees, just lost in thought, in the glimpses of the future he would never be a real part of.
Gabriel took it all in. The pain, the sadness, the palpable ache that radiated not only from Josh, but the home as well. He wanted to find a way to help Josh deal with everything, but he wasn’t sure what would help. If he tried to push Josh into moving on too soon, the resistance would divide them. If he let him suffer for too long, he could retreat so far into himself he might never recover.
His heart went out to the young man as he cried harder and Gabriel faded away, deciding to let him have some time on his own to sort things out for himself.
***
Josh sat on the chair next to the bed, afraid that getting too close to her would make this harder than it already was. He’d heard her come in from her late lunch and head straight to bed for a nap, and he hadn’t been able to resist a few last moments with her. As he watched her sleep, it hit him how hard it would be not seeing her. Maybe he’d trick himself into thinking he was on a business trip, just away for a few days. They’d managed to make it through weeks, even months apart that way once. They could do this. He could do this. It was worth it to give her one night, one more memory to hold on to. To let her know she was loved so much, so deeply, so intensely he’d do anything for her.
He cleared his throat, his fingers absently tracing patterns on the arm of the chair. He didn’t want to say goodbye. Didn’t want to go. How hard this was going to be. He opened his mouth to speak. Even knowing she couldn’t hear him, he needed to. The sound of his own voice was reassuring somehow.
“Next time I see you, honey, our son will probably be here,” he said finally, breaking the silence. “I’ve gotta go away…just for a while. Gabriel assures me I’ll be back and able to see you again.”
She rolled over, facing him as if some part of her was reacting to his voice. She lifted her hand, resting it on the pillow, and his gaze landed on her engagement ring. “You’ve got everyone watching out for you. Let them help you, baby. I don’t want you crying so much, okay? You know how much it always hurt me seeing you cry. Breaks my heart every time.” He couldn’t just sit there anymore, so close to her and unable to touch her. He pushed himself to his feet and walked around the room, trying to soak up as much as he could, trying to embed everything as deeply as possible so when he got lonely, all he had to do was simply close his eyes and he’d find himself right back there.
He crouched down next to his side of the bed, resting his hands on top of the comforter just inches away from her sleeping form. “I’ll always love you, sweetheart. Always. I love you so much,” he whispered, leaning over and kissing her forehead.
Gabriel cleared his throat, and Josh reluctantly pulled away, unable to stop himself from reaching out one last time to brush his fingers over her hair while she slept. She looked like an angel right then, her face so peaceful, so relaxed…it was how he wanted to keep her in his mind.
“Done?”
Josh pushed himself to his feet. “Guess so.”
“Then let’s go home.”
The words made Josh tense. He fought the urge to scream out that this was his home. Instead he turned in a slow circle, taking everything in one last time, praying it would stay in his mind forever.
Gabriel walked toward him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I know this is hard for you.”
Josh shrugged his hand away. “Let’s just go.” The sooner they left, the sooner it would be over with and he wouldn’t have to suffer through that feeling of dread that at any moment his whole world was about to disappear from around him without warning.
***
Josh sat alone in the panel’s meeting room, his head resting on his folded arms on top of the cold tabletop as he waited. He didn’t have a clue what he was waiting for, maybe Gabriel. It seemed the moment they’d left his house, he’d ended up here alone without any explanation at all.
Time truly didn’t have any meaning. It had felt like he’d paced the small space for hours, studying the patterns in the marble in the walls and on the floor. The coldness had finally begun to seep into him, and he’d taken a seat at the small table. If someone was coming to join him, he wished they’d show up soon because this waiting game wasn’t for him.
Finally he heard the door open from somewhere behind him, but he didn’t have the energy or the interest to lift his head to see who it was. He figured they’d reveal themselves sooner or later, and he was right.
“Josh, you must understand the reasoning behind our decision today.” It was the woman from the panel, the one Josh figured had to have some sort of problem with men or happiness or doing the right thing. For some reason she just didn’t like him, period.
He lifted his head and blinked in the sudden intrusion of brightness to find her standing across the table from him, looking every bit as prim and proper as she always did. Not a hair out of place. Not a single trace of emotion on her face. The life in her eyes was as cold as the room they were in.
He straightened up. “What reasons? You took my life away and part of everyone’s I care about. People I love, I may never see again.”
“You will. You’ll see time goes very fast up here.”
“That thought will help,” he said sarcastically. He was growing to realize she really had to have ice for a heart. Hadn’t she ever loved someone? Didn’t she understand what it was like to be torn away from people that meant the world to you? His hands fisted, and he forced himself to lay them flat on the table, refusing to let her see how she could get to him.
“Josh…”
“Sorry.” He rubbed his tired face with his hands. “I’m exhausted.”
“The night you spent together drained a lot of your energy.”
He nodded his agreement, slid his left hand down and rubbed the back of his neck. “Gabriel said he’ll make sure I rest.”
“Good. Listen to him. He’s quite wise.” She moved closer, around the desk to look him square in the eye. “Take this time to deal with what’s happened. You’re still grieving for your life, for things you left behind. Once you get past that, a whole new world will open for you. One you can’t even begin to imagine.” She smiled warmly at him for the first time before leaving.
Josh shook his head as he heard the door close behind her. He didn’t want or even care about a whole new world. The only world he gave a damn about was the one he’d left behind, the one he wasn’t a part of anymore. The one with everyone he cared about in it.
He pressed his hands flat on the cool table one more time and pushed his chair back. The woman’s words circled around in his mind, gaining speed like a tornado. Was this some sort of test they were putting him through? How fast could they force him to move on, to abandon all hope and just become a puppet? Well, he had news for them, that wasn’t about to happen. Josh was one thing above all, determined with a good side of stubborn, and he was going to make them all see eventually that what they’d decided was wrong.
And if it meant appearing to play by their rules for the time being, well then, so be it. He’d do whatever he had to do to make things right, especially where Avery was concerned.
***
Blake sat in his living room, the home movie playing on the screen. The sound of his and Josh’s voices filled the room, and he put his head in his hands, not wanting to see his brother’s face staring back at him from the screen. He blinked back the hot tears that were about to fall. Why wouldn’t this ache go away? Why was it like he needed to hear his brother’s voice, but when he did it was the most painful thing he could imagine? That he forgot at times he wasn’t there anymore, how many times had he had to stop himself from texting him a quick message or dialing, just to hear his voicemail message?
He couldn’t bring himself to do that, knowing the phone was with Avery. He didn’t want to startle her if it went off unexpectedly. He hadn’t seen the phone lying around anywhere when he was at the house, and he figured she had put it somewhere only she knew about. He understood that. She deserved to have things that were just hers alone, that she didn’t have to share with the rest of the family.
Josh sat in the empty chair beside him. “Figures you’re holed up in here watching this,” he said, not daring to look at his brother yet. “Blake, I need you to watch out for Avery and the baby while I’m not around. You’re the one who always treated her like your little sister, and she listens, really listens to you.”
Blake finally looked up, wiping his hands on the legs of his jeans. “What do we do without you, Josh?”
“You go on.”
“Nothing makes sense anymore.” Blake ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Hell, I don’t understand why you’re gone. You had everything to live for. You’ve driven that road for years and you just…”
The anger began building inside of Josh, ratcheting up another level with every heartbreaking word from his older brother. He was voicing every thought Josh himself had had, but it was worse to hear it from someone he’d left behind. He jumped off the couch. The pain in Blake’s voice, in Avery’s voice when she was in his arms, cut through him like a knife, ripping him apart from the inside out. How could anyone survive such pain? The constant ache that told him something was wrong…so wrong and he had no way to fix it. He just had to let go. Let go…two crueler words he hadn’t ever imagined in his life.
“Why, Josh?” His brother’s voice reminded him of when they were kids. “Just…why?”
Josh lifted his head and looked at the muted images on the screen. It reminded him of standing in front of that damn panel, watching his life go by on the wall. “I just lost control, I guess.” Josh squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see Avery's smiling face on the screen, the way she laughed when he picked her up and swung her around.
It seemed like he’d lost control over everything with that accident.
His life. His future. His right to make any decision had seemingly gone out the window.
That was the one thing he didn’t understand himself. He’d driven in weather like that before. In worse weather, too, and he’d always been able to control the vehicle, to keep it on the road, to pay attention to what was going on around him. For some reason, this time he’d been stupid enough to think he had control when he really hadn’t.
What a great illusion, control.
He’d thought he’d had control over everything. The vehicle. His life. His future. And in an instant, he’d lost it all.