Chapter 13
She’d been feeling fine. Life felt like it was getting back to some sort of a routine. She slept late. Met one of the guys for lunch or they came by to keep her company and, no doubt, make sure she actually ate something, then she’d read one of the many pregnancy books she was starting to accumulate.
She set the latest book Alec had bought her down on the patio table outside and stood, ready to head inside to relax a little in the air conditioning for a while when a sharp twinge hit her side.
She stopped and held onto the back of the patio chair, her hand fisting tightly around the warm metal of the rail. She saw Alec busy in the kitchen, no doubt attempting that stir fry he’d been talking about a few days before. She took a deep breath through clenched teeth, wishing the pain would subside as quickly as it came. She’d just righted herself and was about to take another step when it happened again, sharper this time, and with enough force she bent over in a low bow. A soft whimper escaped her lips. She couldn’t move, the pain paralyzing her, rooting her to the spot.
“Alec,” she called, the panic in her voice startling her.
The patio door was propped open, letting the summer breeze inside so it only took a moment for him to appear in the doorway. She heard his hurried footsteps nearing, and a moment later he had his hands on either side of her, crouching down to look at her. She saw the fear she felt mirrored in his eyes. “What is it?”
He tried to help her stand but she shook her head, pushing his helping hand away, afraid of what trying to move could do, not wanting to risk the pain returning.
“Pain. Like a cramp…” She breathed slowly, lifting her head slightly to look at the house. It was so close yet so far away. Maybe she’d be better crawling than trying to walk. What a thought. “I think it’s the baby.”
He seemed to sway at her words.
“Something’s wrong, Alec…something’s really, really wrong.”
The color drained from his face. He pressed his lips together as if thinking, then gave a quick nod of his head. Evidently some plan had quickly been formulated in his mind. “I gotta get you to the hospital, okay?”
The words sent a cold chill through her body. Her hand shook as she clutched the chair tighter. “Not the baby, please not the baby,” she whispered over and over.
“Give me one minute, okay? I’m gonna grab my keys and get your purse and then we’re gonna go.”
“Don’t…”
He looked at her imploringly. “Sweetheart, it’ll be quicker, I promise, than trying to do it with you in my arms. I gotta turn the stove off anyway, okay? Just breathe, and I’ll be back before you know.”
She nodded, taking a deep breath as he hurried away from her. She heard the sound of him rushing around the kitchen, cupboards slamming and keys jangling. “Josh…if you’re here…” she whispered, not wanting Alec to hear her voice and come running to check on her. “Hold my hand…please, baby.” She squeezed her eyes shut as the pain came back, slightly milder but still there.
She still had her eyes shut when she felt Alec pick her up. “Alec, I’m scared.”
“Don’t think that way,” he admonished, but she could hear the worry in his voice. It seemed mere moments later he had her in the passenger seat of his car. “The baby’s fine, the baby’s going to be just fine.” He looked right into her eyes as if he was willing her to believe his words.
“Right…baby’s fine.” Yet she started silently praying that nothing was wrong, that this had nothing to do with the one thing she had to live for.
***
Alec took a deep breath as he hit the numbers on the payphone in the corner of the waiting room. The battery on his cell phone was low and he didn’t want to risk running out, not knowing when he’d have the chance to charge it. He felt better keeping it handy for emergencies in case he needed to text someone. He averted his gaze from the door to the room where they were examining her. So close, yet so far away. He stood so the door was clearly visible and listened to every long ring on the other end of the line. It seemed longer than normal, excruciatingly long, and he didn’t know which was worse, the sound of the ring or the fact that no one had picked up yet.
Damn it, come on. His fingers tugged at his hair as he ran a shaky hand through the unruly mess.
“Collins.”
“Finally, man, where the hell were you? Screening?”
“Alec? No, I was in the shower.”
“Took you long enough to get to the phone.” His voice was gruff, thanks to the edge of nerves. He didn’t want to be there at the hospital alone. He wanted someone else there with him, someone who might have a better idea what to do for her. What to say to her. He kept thinking the worst, and that somehow he’d say or do something that would make things all the worse.
“Blake, I’m at the hospital.” Even saying the words made his legs go weak.
“No…” He heard his brother swear under his breath, followed by the muffled sound of movement then the unmistakable sound of car keys.
“It’s Avery.” He took a slow deep breath, risking a glance back to the door. “There might be some uh, complications. I need you to let everyone know.”
“Complications? How? She’s…the baby…they’re fine, right?
“I got here five minutes ago and was shoved out while three people came in to examine her. I’m praying, Blake, but no one’s come out to tell me anything yet.” He wrapped the shiny silver cord of the payphone around his wrist. He just wanted someone to come out of that damn room and tell him something, something that would take the pressure off the vise that was currently locked around his heart.
“I’ll make a couple calls. I’m on my way right now.”
“Taylor…” he rasped, his mind suddenly clearing from the fog of worry. “Taylor’s going to be headed to the house. The girls were going to do some maternity clothes shopping. You gotta get hold of her. She’ll worry if she gets to the house and Avery isn’t answering.”
“She’ll be my first call.”
“Thanks.”
“You okay?”
Alec looked at the door. “Scared shitless, man.”
“Me, too.”
***
Avery wished the fog she was in would go away. It was like she was outside of herself as the doctor examined her and the nurse checked her vitals. The itchiness of the hospital gown was the only thing she was aware of, and her mind kept drifting to the irony of the snowflakes on a hospital gown in Florida. She kept her eyes on the ceiling, counting the tiles in their neat little rows as she forced herself to concentrate on anything except the murmurs between Doctor Matthews and the nurse. If the exam went any longer, she’d have to start on the number of blinds on the window. She just couldn’t handle it, she needed to be away from it all, didn’t want to hear any more bad news in her life.
The only lifeline she had was the baby, her only real and true connection to Josh and because of her stupidity, of thinking she was what—invincible?—she might have put everything she had left of him in danger.
“Avery,” Doctor Matthews’ voice finally brought her out of her fog and she blinked, letting her tired eyes come into focus. Then she realized the fog wasn’t just a fog, she was swimming in tears.
He held out a couple tissues and she took them gratefully, wiping her eyes quickly, getting a way too close view of the IV hook-up in the back of her hand. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. I know the tremendous stress you’ve been under the last while.” He perched on the visitor’s chair near her. “I don’t want to sugar coat things with you, Avery, but I need you to stay here in the hospital for a few days.”
“Why?” She went to push herself up in bed again and sighed as she looked at the IV.
“You have some spotting. You’re still very early in this pregnancy, and it’s a time when anything can happen, with or without the stress you’ve been under, but that may have aggravated things. Your blood pressure’s a little high for one. And lifting anything more than five pounds wasn’t the best thing for you to do in your condition.”
She bowed her head, looking at the tissues in her hand. “Right.”
“That’s why you need to be on bed rest and I want you here where I can keep an eye on the two of you. And you’re just in time for tonight’s dinner special, I hear the lime jello is especially good tonight.”
She cracked a smile. “Lime, huh?”
He rose to his feet. “Do you want me to tell your friend to come in?”
She nodded. “Please. He’s my…he would have been my brother in law.”
“I’ll go get him.”
She picked up the television remote, needing something to fidget with, and slid down deeper in the small hospital bed. She looked up at the IV bag beside her, her gaze tracing the path of each drip down the tubing. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a shaky breath. This wasn’t what she’d imagined her pregnancy being like. This wasn’t what she’d ever imagined her life being like.
***
Alec paced the area in front of her hospital room. Every little noise made him jump. The pages overhead. The footsteps of someone coming down the hall. Every time a door opened somewhere around him, he spun around expecting to come face to face with her doctor. He kept his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. He didn’t want to see how much he was shaking. His cell phone was like his safety blanket, tucked securely in his right pocket, his fingers toying with the fabric cover. It was going to be frayed through by the end of the day if someone didn’t come through that door soon and tell him all was okay, that it wasn’t as bad as he thought.
How long could this take, he wondered as he eyed the door anxiously. Another doctor had left the room a few doors down, and he’d been in there less time than Avery’s doctor had been in with her. That had to mean something, right? If things were okay, it shouldn’t take this long. He swallowed back a rush of fear and stopped opposite her door.
He leaned against the wall, making himself comfortable and out of the way of the nurses and staff who kept passing by. A few shot him curious looks, one even going so far as to mutter something about a waiting room. Like he was going any further away from her than he already was? Nothing could tear him away from that spot at the moment. He risked a glance at his watch. They’d been there over forty minutes already. Had it really only been an hour since he’d heard her calling for him outside? Could his whole world have changed that quickly? His mind flashed back to just how quick everything could change and that feeling of a vise around his heart came back.
He rubbed his forehead, wishing again for someone to come out and tell him something.
Think positively, Alec. A long time means they’re doing their job. Or it could mean they’re trying to calm her down. He scratched his arm absently, suddenly wishing for a shot of something to relax himself. His nerves were ramped up so high, he could barely think.
This was torture. This was…
“Mr. Collins?” A voice broke into his thoughts and he jumped, startled.
“Yeah?” He swallowed nervously, trying to read the expression of the young doctor in front of him. He looked very calm standing there in his white coat, a stethoscope hanging casually around his neck like he didn’t have a care in the world. “Is she…I mean,” he stammered, his gaze drifting toward the closed door across the hall from where they stood.
“Why don’t you go in and see her?” The doctor gave him a warm smile, apparently trying to ease the marathon his heart was running. “She’s asking for you.”
“Thanks.” He took a moment to take a deep breath, and as the doctor walked off, he slowly approached her room, mentally preparing himself for whatever it was he was about to face. He wasn’t sure what the doctor had meant by her asking for him. Why him? Because she needed a strong shoulder to cry on or a familiar face?
He walked into her room, swallowing the lump in his throat that seemed permanently lodged there. Her bed was elevated to a reclining position, an IV attached to her arm. There was a light on near her bed and she was sitting there, her expression a little embarrassed as she met his gaze. “Avery?”
“Hi, Alec.”
“Everything, uh, okay?”
“They really didn’t say a lot. They’re monitoring the baby, though.” She motioned to the machines on the other side of the bed. “Not that I understand what any of these do.”
He listened to the steady beep of one machine, trying to figure out what it was doing. “You okay, though?” His voice was low, like he was afraid to put the question out there.
She shook her head. “I’m scared to death.”
He sat down gingerly on the bed beside her and reached for her hand. “Hey, I’m here for you.” He tried for what he hoped was his most reassuring smile. “Not going to let anything happen to you, okay? Either of you.”
She nodded and managed a weak smile in his direction. “Okay.”
They sat in silence for a while, just listening to the machines and lost in their own thoughts. Footsteps passed by the door every once in a while, and he noticed she’d tense when she thought someone was coming in. He was just about to suggest turning on the television to find an old rerun of something to take their minds off where they were when there was a knock on the door. He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
“Come in,” she called.
The doctor walked into the small room, and she squeezed Alec’s hand tighter as she instantly sat up straighter. One of the machines she was attached to beeped a little louder, and she took a deep breath, trying to relax.
The doctor must have realized she was getting anxious because he smiled reassuringly at her. “Avery…”
Alec looked up, giving her a quick glance before focusing on the doctor. “I’ll, uh, go and leave you alone.”
She tightened her grip on his hand, trying to keep him from leaving her. “No, Alec. Stay. Please.”
“Okay.” He squeezed her hand before he slid off the bed and took a seat on the chair next to the bed, and she felt a little more comfortable. She didn’t want to face any more bad news alone.
The doctor examined the machines before making a couple notations on the chart in his hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Anxious.”
“That’s understandable.”
“What happened?” Alec held tightly to her hand. She was so thankful he was there with her. She couldn’t imagine having to go through all of this alone.
“You can tell him, he’s family,” Avery assured the doctor and closed her eyes, trying to block out the rehash. He talked about running a couple more tests later in the day and said he’d be back again to check on her later, then left the two alone again.
She caught Alec’s frown from the corner of her eye. “Avery…”
She didn’t want to face her friend’s words of caution. “Maybe Josh wants the baby with him,” she said quietly, staring up at the ceiling, anywhere but at Alec. She didn’t want to feel as embarrassed as she was, that she’d done this somehow, brought it all on herself. Didn’t want anyone thinking she was treating herself horribly to deliberately risk this pregnancy. “I want to be with him so bad, Alec. I want him with us again.” She took a deep breath, the doctor’s voice of moments before ringing in her head. She couldn’t keep this level of stress and anxiety up. It was going to put her into labor, and the baby’s chances of survival weren’t high if she kept on this path.
“Why did he leave me, Alec? Why didn’t he know that if he left that morning something bad was going to happen? Why?” Everything she thought about was coming out. She knew she couldn’t keep things inside anymore. She needed to let it pour out. To say the words she never wanted to say. “I hate him, I hate him for going that morning, I hate him for dying, I hate him for leaving me alone…I hate him!”
Before she knew it, he was up on the bed beside her, pulling her into his arms, letting her sob into his shoulder. He stroked her hair, shushing her as he rocked her gently back and forth, trying to calm her down. “You know if Josh had any inkling what was going to happen, he never ever would have left. You know how much you and this baby meant to him.” He ran his fingers through her hair. “You know what he told me once?”
“What?” She couldn’t bring herself to pull back and look at him.
“That he’d never been happier before, with you and the baby coming. He said his life was complete.”
For some reason, those words that were likely meant to soothe did anything but. It was like a fresh wave of pain hitting her all over again. Josh had never told her, she’d never told him she felt the same way. Her fingers fisted tightly in his t-shirt, and she squeezed her eyes shut, letting the tears fall unabashed.
She heard Alec rise from the chair and she glanced over, expecting to see him leave, but he was headed for the small bathroom attached to her room. She sighed softly to herself and put her hand on her abdomen, blinking away the latest round of tears. “Okay, baby, let’s make a deal, you and Mommy, okay? You give me a sign, just a little movement to tell me you’re okay and I’ll do everything they tell me to do. Even if that means staying here for a week.” She kept her voice low, not wanting Alec to hear. She closed her eyes as she heard the door open back up. It just wasn’t fair to be this scared. To feel the last piece of Josh could be slipping away from her. She blinked her eyes open, watching the monitors, trying to understand what they meant. Please, baby, please, for Mommy. Show me you’re as tough as your daddy.
***
Alec met his brother in the hallway, relieved to see someone else there. The doctor needed to do another “routine” examination of Avery and had told him to go grab a coffee or some fresh air or both. He’d been sitting there with her for who knew how long, just holding her, letting her know she was loved, that someone was there with her.
“You look like hell,” Blake said as he held out a coffee from the cafeteria.
“Feel like it. She just dozed off fifteen minutes before the doctor came in.”
Blake nodded. “Anything?”
“Silence. Machines beep. She jumps. They get louder. It’s a vicious cycle. We talk, she tries to relax. She’s putting up a good front, but she’s going to crumble.” He turned to lean against the wall. “God, Blake, if anything happens, anything, we’re gonna lose her. You know that.”
Blake shook his head. “She’s going to be fine. You know Josh is watching out for her now. He’d never let anything happen to her or the baby.”
“But what if this is one thing big brother can’t control?” Alec took a long sip of the coffee. He swore he could feel it surge through him. He’d drained himself waiting with Avery.
Blake patted his shoulder. “I’ll go sit with her for a while. You go get some air. Mom and Taylor are both on their way.”
Alec was about to argue, but he saw the concern in his brother’s eyes and he didn’t want to make him worry about someone else when Avery needed all their attention. “Maybe I will. Soon as the doctor comes out you can go in. Avery told him we can all see her. Just tell her I went for a little air. I’ll be back in a bit.”
***
Avery lay on her side in the uncomfortable hospital bed like the doctor had instructed her to while she did her best to ignore the assorted monitors she was hooked up to. She concentrated on the window beside her. The blinds were partially open, letting her mind escape the confining room. Outside the sky was darkening. The pretty blue it had been earlier was now as dark and depressing as she felt. She knew Blake sat just a few feet away in an equally uncomfortable chair, watching her, waiting for her to say something, but she didn’t want to talk. There was nothing to say. “You can go home if you want,” she offered at last, studying the monitor attached to her index finger. She turned her head to glance at him shyly. Five o’clock shadow dotted his jaw line.
“Nope, staying right here. In fact I’m thinking about getting a cot and sleeping in here. Our own private slumber party.” He grinned cheekily at her as he leaned forward, his arms resting on his elbows.
She sighed. “Okay.”
“Avery, you know Josh would have never left your side if he was here, and trust me, honey, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You can’t promise that, no one can.” She’d learned that the hard way. She twirled her engagement ring around her finger. “Josh used to say he wasn’t ever going anywhere.”
Blake reached out and put his hand over the top of hers. It felt warm and heavy. He smoothed his fingers over her knuckles. “Avery, if Josh had had a choice, there was no way he would have left you. Doesn’t that ring on your finger tell you that?”
She nodded and sank deeper in bed. “I wasted so much time with him.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did.” Didn’t they get it? All she saw were the missed opportunities to be together. Things she’d never had a chance to say that she’d wanted to. She’d thought they’d have forever together. What a delusional thought that had been.
Her shoulders shook as she fought to control her emotions, to focus on something positive. Like not impacting the baby’s health any more than she already had.
“Shhh…calm down, sweetheart. Think of the baby.”
“That’s all I do, think of me and the baby and what we’ve lost.” She shook her head. “I’m a damn pity party.”
“No, you’re not. You’re allowed to feel the way you do. Out of everyone, you and this baby lost the most. He wanted so much for the two of you…the three of you…”
She pressed her lips together. The scene on the other side of the window was so calm, so contradictory to what she was feeling. Her emotions were like a tornado, swirling around and around, picking up more power as they destroyed everything in their path. “I hate feeling like this, Blake. It’s like I’m lost. I’ll never feel right again.”
“You will.”
“I only felt that way around him.” She tore her gaze away from the window to find him watching. The worry line on his forehead had returned. She hated being the one who caused it, but she was so glad to have him there to listen to her. She needed to get things out and right now it was like she couldn’t stop it if she had to. “You know what I miss the most? Just having him hold me. God, Blake, I’ll never have him hold me again.” Her body began to shake, and she rolled onto her side, away from him, hiding her face in her pillow.
Blake sat there stunned, unsure what to do. What could he say to that? He’d have given anything at that moment to make Josh appear for her. His heart broke as her shoulders shook with the force of her pain, and he knew if he hugged her again, it might just make things worse. He couldn’t be a poorer stand in for his brother if he tried. “Avery, honey, in time…” He stumbled over his words, wishing there was a book somewhere that told him what to say in a situation like this.
“In time I’ll forget?” He heard her gasp for air before she turned back over to face him, her face streaked with tears. “I’m already forgetting. Do you know how scary it is to start to forget him?”
His throat closed up at the vulnerability of her words, and he made himself look away, his eyes filling with tears. He knew all too well. “Yeah.”
“You had him for so much longer, Blake.”
“I know.” He reached for her hand and held it in his own, not sure what else to do. It shook slightly, and he massaged her fingers, trying somehow to put some calmness into her. “Know what I miss the most?”
“What?”
“His stupid pranks he thought were so funny. Stealing our luggage when we went on vacation.” His thoughts turned serious. “The way he’d call just to ramble on about anything at any hour of the day because he needed to get the thoughts out of his head.”
“I just miss him being here.”
“I know you do, sweetheart.” He squeezed her hand softly. “We all do.”
Blake closed the door to her hospital room behind him. Finally he felt like he was able to breathe. He wiped his stinging eyes and wondered how he’d managed to hold back his tears for so long. At the sound of approaching footsteps, he looked up to find Alec, Linda and Taylor all coming toward him.
Alec gave a meek wave as they approached. “We were worried, and the cafeteria just didn’t seem like the place to be.”
Blake gave a nod of understanding. He wouldn’t have been able to handle being far away in a situation like this either.
“How is she?” Linda asked as she rubbed her arms anxiously and cast a glance toward the closed hospital door. “They won’t tell any of us a damn thing. Something about family. She is our family, damn it!”
The comment made Blake smile at his mother. “I’ll tell her that when she wakes up. She’ll let them know you can know about her condition.”
“Condition?” Taylor repeated the word apprehensively. The cardboard coffee cup in her hand illustrated her shakiness, and he thought it was a good thing it had a cover on it or she would have been wearing half of the contents.
He nodded and waved toward the waiting area. He wished there was a better place to hold a conversation like this. In the middle of the hallway didn’t seem like the best place, and the waiting room wasn’t high on his list either, but it might offer them a little more privacy than they had where they currently stood.
Alec nodded and put his hand on Taylor’s back, urging her to follow Blake to the small waiting room. Blake rubbed the back of his tired neck as they walked in and he took a seat. They all followed suit, sitting directly across from him. He took a deep breath and met the questioning gazes of all staring at him. He knew that Alec knew a little of the story from being the one who’d brought her in, but he’d needed a break by the time Blake had arrived and he’d been glad to take over.
“The stress is taking its toll on her physically. Her blood pressure is elevated. That’s a big warning sign she needs to calm down. But it’s almost a blessing she lifted something she shouldn’t have that caused the cramps and the bleeding so she had to come to the hospital, because without it, they wouldn’t have known about her blood pressure.” Blake watched as Alec got to his feet and walked over to the window that looked out toward the hallway, and further down, her hospital room. He knew it was too much for him. “It sounds like she’s going to need bed rest, a lot of bed rest for the next while to see where things go from there, but it’s the best chance for her to have a healthy pregnancy. The doctor said it shouldn’t last longer than a month or more as long as Avery can follow orders…not lift anything…not do much and stay put in bed.”
Taylor played with her coffee cup, glancing at Alec before turning her attention back to Blake. “How is she right now?”
“Sleeping at the moment. I’m not sure she heard everything about the bed rest. She seemed lost in her own little world, but I’m sure the doctor will go back over everything with her again.” At least she was getting some sleep in there. He knew from personal experience and from conversations that she hadn’t slept through a whole night since Josh died. Everything changed that morning.
“I need a coffee,” Alec said suddenly. “Anyone else? Taylor?”
She nodded. “Thanks.”
“Blake?”
“That’d be great, thanks.”
“I’ll go with you,” Linda said. “I could use a sandwich or something to eat.”
Taylor waited until they left. “Why the hell didn’t he pay attention to the roads, Damn it, I hate him. He did this! He caused all of this.” Blake moved his chair forward and lifted her chin to look into her watery eyes. She blinked, turning sheepish. “I’m sorry, he’s your brother and—”
“It’s okay.” He knew her words were out of pain. So were his when he yelled at his brother when he was alone at night, wishing for a sign that he heard him. That he knew how angry he was at him having been taken away from him. “He lost control. Nothing anyone could have done to stop it. He just went across the line and…” He trailed off and Taylor hugged him tight. The painful images had come to mind again, the ones that flooded his dreams every night. Every nightmare since then had been of that accident, standing by on the side of the road, unable to do anything to save his little brother. He’d never felt more helpless in his life than in the midst of those horrible dreams.
“She needs Josh right now,” Taylor said softly as she pulled back.
“We all do.” He wiped her tears away. “We all do.”
***
Alec had returned with coffee for everyone. Taylor and Linda had taken theirs and a couple sandwiches then gone to get some fresh air. The men had opted to stay behind, close to Avery in case anything happened. “Things are unraveling,” Blake said, his arms crossed as he perched against the window, the rain droplets tracing paths down the other side of the glass. In front of him sat his wrapped sandwich and half a coffee, the only thing he could stomach. Somehow food just wasn’t what he wanted. “Since he died, things are just…”
Alec stood across from him, nursing his untouched coffee. “They’re changing.”
“I don’t like the way they seem to be going.”
“Me either.”
“What do we do? I feel like things are getting out of control. What if they hadn’t been able to stop the complications? That’s Josh’s baby. Little Josh was going to be a father.”
Alec bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Remember when he told us? All I saw was him as a thirteen year old who wouldn’t put down his damn videogames and now…” He took a deep breath. “He grew up and was going to have his own family. I kept envisioning him and a little boy just like him, matching hats, matching football jerseys, matching grins.”
Blake laughed. “That would have been a sight.”
“One I’d give anything right now to see.”
***
“It’s up to you if you want him to know.” The leader of the panel looked at Gabriel across the table.
The weight of the world was suddenly on his shoulders. If he kept something like this from Josh, he’d never keep his trust or his friendship. To tell him the truth meant unleashing his wrath because there was no way Josh was going to handle any of this well. “I would think he should know. He has a right to.” Avery was the love of his life, the child was his.
The woman pursed her lips. “He does, but how do you think it will affect him? He’s been rather, how shall we say, volatile?”
Gabriel gave a nod of agreement. Unlike Josh, he knew when it was wise to keep his mouth shut. To try and defend him would just cause more trouble that he didn’t want Josh to be in. For once, he was truly seeing the panel in a whole new light. Instead of guardians, protecting the balance of everything, they were ignoring obvious signs that things weren’t right.
Josh waited outside the meeting room. He was growing to really hate that place with its blindingly white walls. The cold marble sent ice water through his veins every time he entered. He glanced toward the door and wondered what was taking Gabriel so long. He’d offered to tag along because, really, what else did he have to do? Nothing but wander down the beach he loved. Throw some rocks into the ocean and watch yet another sunrise or sunset. He could catch a few a day if he timed it right, moving from beach to beach around the world. The colors were never the same at each one. There were so many things he’d seen now that he would have loved to share with Avery. Places he knew she’d adore where the water was so blue and clear a person could see straight through it. Where they could go snorkeling through the water for hours then curl up on the beach, wrapped in blankets, and stare up at the night sky with so many stars it wouldn’t seem real. Except he didn’t have the chance for that.
He never knew regret could hurt so much until he was faced with a lifetime of it, things he’d never said or done, things he’d wanted to do. Everything he ever wished for them that could never be haunted him as much as the pain of losing her.
Gabriel halted in his tracks the moment he laid eyes on Josh outside in the hall waiting for him. He hadn’t expected him to still be there. In truth, he’d needed some time on his own away from his charge to figure things out. It wasn’t easy being what he was, to have his ability to see things yet be forced to be an innocent bystander most of the time.
“What’s up?” Josh pushed away from the wall he’d been leaning against.
Gabriel took his presence as a sign that Josh should know and know right away. There was no way to keep something like this from him anyway. Josh was astute. He’d sense something in Gabriel even if he tried to buy himself a short amount of time to come up with a good way to break the news to him. But that was the ironic part. There was no good way to do this. “We need to have a talk.”
“What kind of talk?” Josh asked suspiciously, casting a look toward the closed door behind Gabriel.
“Just a talk, that’s all.” He tried to keep a nonchalant attitude. He didn’t want Josh to have an outburst so close to the hearing range of the panel. It wouldn’t look good for what could possibly come later. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” He headed for the exit, glancing back only once to make sure his friend was right behind him.
He didn’t know where else to take Josh but to the beach. At least there if Josh’s emotions got the best of him there wasn’t much to damage. A few rocks in the ocean wouldn’t harm anything. No one would be around to witness things moving, flying through the air seemingly on their own accord. He just needed to find a way to tell him that wouldn’t send him over the edge.
The way Josh kept looking at him, he knew his friend thought something was wrong. He just wished it wasn’t. They walked outside of the building and onto the beach. For once Gabriel wished it wasn’t so simple to move about, that it would have required more time, more energy to project themselves somewhere else. Time that would grant Gabriel the opportunity to figure things out, give him the wording that wouldn’t send Josh on a rampage, or worse, to go so deep within himself that Gabriel wouldn’t be able to reach him anymore.
Josh sat near him. Gabriel stayed silent, trying to formulate the words. He must have taken too long for Josh’s liking as after a few moments Josh began to get antsy and moved to stand.
“Sit, Josh. I’m trying to find a good way to tell you this.”
“Tell me what?” Josh sat back on the sand, facing him. “Just say it out.”
Gabriel shook his head. “I rather doubt you’d want that.” Blurting this out with no thought, no care to his feelings, wasn’t something he was capable of. Gabriel cared too much for him for something like that. It was one of the reasons he wanted to be the one to tell him, not have him summoned to another meeting with the panel.
“No, I want to know.”
He waited a moment, looking off at the horizon as if the words would magically appear there for him to say. Nothing came to mind. Frustration grew inside him. There was no good way to do this. “Fine.” This was going to be so painful to say. He braced himself for Josh’s reaction. If he took off, he’d have to go after him. He couldn’t let him go off alone after this news. “This morning Avery almost lost the baby.”
Josh stared at him, expressionless. Then he saw it register, and an inferno blazed in Josh’s eyes, turning them a heated molten blue. His hand clenched and unclenched several times before he pushed himself to his feet. “Don’t kid about that…” He brushed the sand off his clothing. “Do not freaking say something like that.”
“I wouldn’t. I’m not.”
Quickly Josh turned away. His shoulders started to shake, slowly at first but growing in intensity with every passing second. “You said almost.” He took a moment before he glanced over his shoulder. “What do you mean by almost?”
“From what they told me it was an almost, a very close almost. The doctor told her she isn’t taking care of herself, the stress is getting to her.”
“Damn it.” He crouched down, resting his head on his knees, his hands coming up and pulling on his hair angrily, hard tug after hard tug for what seemed like minutes before he looked back up at him. “You know how scared she must be?”
“Your brothers and Taylor are with her.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better? I could have stopped it. Hell, Gabriel, I blame that so called righteous panel. I should have been sent back by now, but they won’t allow it. Doesn’t this show you that she needs me? When will they see that? How do I convince them?”
“Josh—”
He shook his head emphatically. “No, I’m not going to listen to you defending them, today of all days. I almost lost my son today, Gabriel.”
“Don’t you want to know how she is?”
“I suppose they told you she’s fine. Yeah, I’m sure she is.”
“Josh—”
“Go ahead.” He crossed his arms, waiting for what Gabriel needed to say.
Gabriel took a moment to calm down. His own emotions were reaching a peak and he was picking up Josh’s energies which were extremely chaotic. Josh’s anger radiated outward toward him, mixing with his own emotions. He needed to center himself and try to remain as impartial as possible. Josh was his charge. Avery had her own caretakers, but he couldn't help wondering if they shouldn’t have been doing a better job.
“Here’s what I know happened. Alec came over. He wanted to take her out for a while, said she’d been cooped up in that house far too long, and that they had time before Taylor was going to show up. She didn’t really want to go, so they settled on him making lunch and her reading a book outside. That was when the strong cramps started.” He watched Josh get more upset, and he’d barely made a dent in the story. “Now listen, she’s had some back pain for a few days but ignored it. The panel believes that was the beginning of the whole problem. Alec took her straight to the hospital, and they examined her thoroughly. There was no bleeding when they got there.”
“I don’t know if I want to hear any more.”
“They stopped it, Josh. Didn’t tell her because if she knew, she would have gotten more upset and might have had a miscarriage anyway.”
Josh’s face fell. “Avery must have been terrified,” he whispered as he stared down at his hands.
“She stayed strong until Blake came in, and then she let it all out.”
Josh lifted his tear filled eyes. “Don’t you get it? None of this would be happening if I was there. Avery wouldn’t be stressed. Our baby wouldn’t have been in danger. Do you know what would have happened to her if she’d lost him?”
Gabriel looked away and swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew exactly what would have happened. “I have some idea.”
“Do you? Because I think she’d die of a broken heart, Gabriel. You’d be calling me to that mausoleum they call a conference room to meet her. And you know what? That’s the last way I ever want to see her again. I don’t want a broken heart to be the reason she ends up in this hell. Avery doesn’t deserve that, she’s never hurt a soul. I want to see her happy and smiling and full of life again, not this shell of a woman she’s becoming.”