(Dressing Room Confession)

YEARS AGO

(Adena)

I had to wait for Anna to leave the house. There was no way I could get the money out of the house without her seeing it, smelling it, sensing it. When Aunt Beth got paid she would rush her check to the bank. And if the bank was closed, she would leave the check at work. Money was the pathway to what Anna really wanted in life.

So when I had my chance, I grabbed the shoebox, gathered up all the cash, and stuffed it into my bag. Downstairs I asked Aunt Beth if I could borrow the car to hit the mall. She sat on the couch, reading a mystery novel, and peered at me over her glasses. She knew I would never cause trouble but I still got those motherly eyes when I asked for something.

“You know where the keys are,” she said. “Be back by eight. I’m making a meatloaf. If you eat there, no worries, I can take it for lunch tomorrow.”

“Thanks!” I called out as I ran to the kitchen.

I opened the junk drawer and got the keys. I went out the back door and hurried across the porch and jumped down. I moved through the side yard and felt as though I had just robbed a bank.

When I got into the car, I called Riley.

I swung by her house and picked her up.

Then we were off to the mall.

Riley was seriously so pretty. Without any makeup or anything. She just let her body do its thing. And she had this perma-tan thing going on that made all of us jealous. And she was so bold and unafraid. She once fought a boy and won the fight.

“What are we doing here?” she asked me. “I hate this place.”

“Listen. I’ve been saving money. I want a dress. I need your advice.”

“A dress? You? For what?”

“The dance.”

“You’re going to…”

“Please, Riley. Don’t ask questions. Don’t judge me.”

“Okay. Fine. You got it.”

“I thought you were going too,” I said as we walked toward the store.

“I am,” she said. “I’m going with Andy. I like him. A lot.”

“That’s good. Are you two going out?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, we hang out a lot,” Riley said. “He doesn’t look at me like other boys do. You know? He’s not afraid of me. And he doesn’t try to look down my shirt all the time. Plus, he hangs out with Evan. I think everyone wants Evan, you know? I mean, I would totally… doesn’t matter. I already got my dress for the dance. All black.”

“Oh, that’s a shock,” I said.

“Shut up. I don’t do the dress up thing. My mother is all excited. My dad is so pissed because there’s cleavage. I can’t help that. I swear, he still thinks I’m a boy.”

“Maybe they should have another baby,” I said.

“Ew, no. I don’t want a baby brother, or sister. Plus, I think my mother had her tubes tied.”

“Gross,” I said.

I had this picture of a doctor cutting open Riley’s mom’s belly and tying a knot in body parts that always made us laugh in health class. I really didn’t understand everything about all that stuff but I knew that when I got this dress and got Evan’s attention, he and I would go to the dance together and that night…

“There it is,” I said as we stopped at the window.

“Wow,” Riley said. “That’s really pretty. I mean, for you.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. It’s almost like a wedding dress.”

“With a little bit of purple in it,” I whispered. “Come on. I want to try it on. And buy it.”

I had the dress on in the dressing room. I was alone. I slowly turned to face myself in the full length mirror. For the first time in as long as I could remember I felt beautiful. The dress was perfect. It rested on my shoulders perfectly. My chest actually filled it out. Ohmygod, I have a chest! I bit my lip and wanted to scream for happiness.

I lifted at the dress and turned, throwing my hair and throwing the dress. I put my hand out and pictured Evan standing there in a black suit. His hands were always roughed up but in a good way. He worked a lot. Like real work, too. He worked with Andy at the garage, fixing cars and stuff. How cool was that? Some guys had jobs at stores or washed dishes at restaurants. But not Evan. He sometimes even got up super early, at like five in the morning, and went to work at the garage. Then he’d go to school and go back to the garage.

So his hands were dirty, but a good dirty. His knuckles were like really big too. Almost swollen all the time. A couple weeks ago when he came by to pick up Anna, he stood at the bottom of the porch with his hand on the railing. I asked him about his knuckles and he said it was from them getting smashed. Getting hit with wrenches or pushing at a wrench and the nut or bolt or whatever letting go and his hand slamming into metal.

I loved when he talked to me. He was so calm and actually looked at me when he talked to me. When he cursed he made it sound cool.

I pictured him taking my hand and pulling me close. Telling me how good I looked. That I was beautiful. I wondered what else his hands would do. Where they’d touch. But it was okay with me. All the places. Yes. He could teach me and I would learn.

More than anything, I just wanted him to kiss me. Lean in… slowly… our eyes open… staring…

“Hey, are you okay?”

I jumped and gasped.

I caught my breath and reached for the door.

“Yeah. Check it out.”

I opened the door.

Riley started to nod. “Wow. That looks amazing on you.”

“Really? Are you just saying that?”

“No. Honestly, Adena. You should get it. Right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. And then we’re going to the food court to get pretzels.”

“What? Why?”

“Scott is there.”

“What about Andy?”

“What about?” Riley asked. “I’m going to the dance with him. I’m not married to him.”

“Right,” I said. “Let me get changed.”

“Can you meet me over there?” Riley asked. She bit her lip.

“Of course,” I said.

Riley took her phone out and hurried away.

I took my time as I got changed and then I carried the dress to the counter. The lady behind the counter gave me judgmental eyes when I said I wanted the dress. She told me in a cocky voice she would not take a credit card from me. That kids were stealing their parents credit cards and using them for dresses and that she could get fired.

I kept my patience and took out the wad of cash.

She stood there and counted the money and marked it all with a marker. She gave me a speech about fake money. None of the money was fake. I worked my ass off to make that money just so I could buy that dress. I earned every dollar and when the lady behind the counter handed me the dress to take home, I could have cried.

I took the dress to the car and gently placed it in the trunk.

Then I went to the food court to meet up with Riley.

She was there with Scott, Bobby, and Mick. Then I saw Ashley and Chloe.

I talked to everyone but couldn’t tell you what they said to me or what I said to them.

All I could think about was the dress.

And Evan.

I needed to get his attention.

He and Anna were just friends now. Which was perfect. Because I was going to ask her for her help…

… and she was going to crush my heart.