(Angels and Bullshit)

YEARS AGO

(Evan)

“Hey, you still awake?” I whispered.

“Yeah,” Anna whispered back.

“What am I doing here?”

I sat against her nightstand. Which was fine. I didn’t need to be in bed with her. That would just end up turning into something more than it really was.

She had called me in a panic, crying, so I had to bail on Andy, Mike, and a case of cheap beer as we drank around a fire. I shouldn’t have been driving, but when I heard Anna’s voice, I knew something was really wrong. And when she went off the rails, it was bad. I didn’t want her to do something to hurt Adena. Or, you know, hurt herself.

When I got to the house and snuck up to her bedroom, she was on the bed, under the covers, lights off. She had these glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling. They were lit up, but by now, they were almost completely dark.

“You never asked about my parents,” Anna said.

“Was I supposed to?”

“You could have.”

“Okay. Tell me about your parents.”

“They’re dead.”

“I know that already,” I said. “Anna, what are you…”

“Today’s the day, Evan. When it happened. Nobody thinks I know that though. Everyone thinks I was too young to know what happened. Too young to really grasp it. But I remember everything. I used to try to bring my mother back to life. I hated my father. He hated me. And Adena. My mother really hated Adena too. But she loved me.”

“What… why did they hate Adena?”

“She was too smart. She would correct them. Mom used to slap Adena a lot. Adena would fix my seat in the car when Mom had it wrong. She would hold my hand when Mom would drink and drive really fast. One time, Mom went off the side of the road and hit a guard rail. I remember seeing sparks. Adena made me look at her. Then she reached for the wheel up front and Mom got mad and backhanded Adena so hard, her mouth bled for hours.”

“Jesus,” I whispered. “I didn’t know that.”

“My father used to bring his friends around. I remember one of them used to point to me and say I would be prime in a few years. I never knew what that meant. He would point to Adena and say she was too chubby. Adena would hold me and cover my ears.”

I felt a rage start to burn inside me.

“And then they were suddenly gone,” Anna said. “Romantic, drug fueled fate.” Anna rolled to her side and looked down at me. I could see her eyes in the darkness. “But they were still my parents. Right?”

I nodded. “Of course. I’m sorry you lost them the way you did. I’m sorry today is that day.”

“I’m really messed up right now, Evan,” Anna said. “I’m glad you answered when I called. I thought about jumping off the roof tonight.”

“No, Anna, don’t say that stuff. You’re going to end up in trouble if you say stuff like that. Why don’t you just fall asleep. Okay?”

“Will you stay?”

I knew I shouldn’t have stayed but I agreed to anyway.

“You’re so sweet, Evan,” Anna whispered. “You keep all our dirty secrets. I think I want to marry you someday.”

I reached up and touched her hair. She really was a mess. She smelled pretty rough and looked the same.

“We’ll talk someday,” I whispered. “I’m sorry about your parents, Anna.”

“Me too,” she said. “I wish I was letting them down instead of you and Adena and Beth.”

I didn’t reply to that.

Anna fell asleep a short time later.

I told myself that once it got to be around one in the morning I would leave. Yeah, maybe it would piss Anna off, but I couldn’t get caught spending the night.

The clock glowed twelve-thirty-two.

I looked down, only for a second.

I took a deep breath.

Next thing I knew someone was shaking my shoulder.

* * *

It was four in the morning.

I looked to my left.

“Get your ass downstairs,” Beth said with her eyes wide.

“I didn’t do… you can’t think…”

“Now,” she growled in a whisper that I swore shook the room.

I climbed to my feet, my nerves jumping.

I followed Beth down the stairs, knowing I was caught red handed.

I ran my hand through my hair as I saw the front door. That would be the logical play here. I was faster than Beth. Stronger, too. I could bolt out of the house and make my getaway. Then deal with the aftermath at some other point in time.

Here’s the thing… I may have been faster than Beth. Stronger than Beth. But she was smart.

The first thing she did at the bottom of the stairs was slither right to the front door and block it. And she looked right at me. Her eyes said I dare you and I didn’t dare.

“Table,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.

I walked to the table, now the one in the lead. I tried to walk with some swagger, needing to keep up appearances that I was a tough guy. Honestly, I was shaking from the inside out. I had nobody around that would punish me for this. Nobody gave a damn what I did and when I did it. I was afraid of what Beth would do to me. To Anna. And whatever happened to Anna always reflected on Adena.

Beth moved around me at the table. “Sit.”

I grabbed a chair and plopped down.

She didn’t sit. “Coffee? Tea?”

“How about a beer?” I asked.

Beth raised an eyebrow. She walked to the fridge and opened it. For a second I thought she was going to get me a beer. But then she came walking back with a juice box. A little square apple juice box.

“Here,” she said. “You want to act like a little child, I’ll treat you like one.”

“Funny,” I said.

“You know what’s not funny?” Beth pulled a chair out. “You in Anna’s room at four in the morning.”

“Hey, I wasn’t doing anything…”

“Do you think for one second I believe that?”

“Right. Figures.”

“What figures, Evan?”

“I came over here because she was having a panic attack,” I said. “Okay? That’s the truth. Yeah, have I snuck in here before? Sure. Has she snuck out to hang out with me? Yeah. But you know what? Compared to who she could go out with, I’m the safest bet. I would never let anything happen to her. Let anyone hurt her. I protect her if we’re out together…”

I stopped talking. That felt good to say.

“Go on,” Beth said.

“With what? She called me and I came over.”

“What was she having a panic attack about?”

“No, no, no,” I said. I smiled. “I’m not doing that. No offense, but if you want to connect with her, you find your own way. I’m not some pawn.” I stood up. “I have nobody. She has you. Her sister. I’m walking the streets at four in the morning and nobody cares.”

I flicked the juice box so it fell over.

I turned.

“Her parents died on this date,” Beth said.

I froze. I glanced back over my shoulder. “Go on…” I said it in a cocky voice.

“Her father got out of jail and her mother picked him up and they decided to celebrate. They, uh, celebrated too hard. He didn’t even make it home to see his own daughters. I don’t know what she remembers about it all,” Beth said. “And I’m always afraid to bring it up because I don’t want her to get upset and lose herself.”

I slowly turned. I grabbed the top of the chair where I had been sitting. “She knows. She remembers. That’s what she was talking to me about. I heard stuff that I never thought I would hear.”

“Yeah,” Beth said. “I guess I know what it’s like to be Adena. You know, have a little sister that’s…”

I left Beth hanging to finish the sentence but she didn’t.

“So you’re really their aunt?”

“Yes. I was a teenager when my parents had a whoops. That whoops was Anna and Adena’s mother. They named her Elia. They blamed themselves for having a baby when they did but from the day she was born Elia was wild. I was obviously an adult, living my life, career and all that, when Elia got tied up with this dumb ass guy named Jon. He was the ultimate bad boy. And they had a baby. They named her Adena. Then they had another baby. They named her Anna.”

“I heard they didn’t like having those babies. Or at least Adena.”

“Yeah,” Beth said. “Well, Adena always had it in her blood to be older than she was.” Beth folded her hands on the table. “Can I ask what you’re doing with her, Evan?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean. What are you two?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s hard to explain. I’m like you, Beth, I don’t want to say or do anything and have her disappear.”

“Sit back down,” Beth said.

I took my seat. “You’re not welcome here, Evan. Not at midnight. Not at one, two, three, four in the morning. I don’t care what the circumstances are. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said.

“She calls you and she’s in a panic, you need to find a way to let me know.”

“Okay. I can do that. And just so you know, I only came over tonight to try and make sure nothing happened to you or Adena.”

“You like her, don’t you?”

“What?”

“Adena,” Beth said. “You like her.”

I stiffened in the chair. “I’m not answering anything about that.”

“Of course not,” Beth said. “You’re willing to hide and hurt yourself and Adena…”

“I think I’ll see myself out,” I said. “I didn’t come here with intentions. Just so you know. At least not the ones you probably thought when you saw me sitting there.”

Beth laughed. “At this point, Evan, when I see you, it actually eases me a little. Even after all the nonsense. The pregnancy. The engagement.”

I gritted my teeth.

You keep all our dirty secrets…

I let Anna’s words echo in my mind as I forced myself to keep silent.

“Is there anything else?” I asked.

“I don’t think so,” Beth said. “You’re not going to do that again, Evan. And thank you for telling me what she was talking about. It wasn’t easy for those two girls. Ever. Anna took it worse. She always did. I think it’s because Adena always kept her safe. Anna was able to see their parents in a different way. So when they were gone…”

“She mentioned that,” I said. “That even though things were bad, they were still her parents.”

“Right. I think Adena was mature enough to think it was a good thing. Which is so sad. But Anna… she used to put an apple out on the sidewalk. She read some story about an apple bringing a dead princess back to life. I don’t know what story it was. I thought she was eating fruit. But here she was, putting apples outside.”

“Shit,” I said. “That’s heartbreaking.”

“I’m not so sure,” Beth said. “She had a way to cope. But Adena? She just faced it head on.”

Back to Adena again…

I reached for the apple juice box. I took the little straw and hit it against the table to break the wrapper. I hadn’t had a fucking juice box since I was twelve. I stabbed the top of the juice box and started to sip.

“Not what I was planning for the night,” I said.

“What was the big plan then?”

“I was in the woods, drinking. With a fire. Some friends.”

“Now you’re sipping a juice box with an old lady.”

“Could be worse,” I said.

Beth laughed and stood up. She patted my shoulder. “I know your heart means well, Evan. I appreciate it. I still think you’re a rotten snot nosed prick of a punk.”

“Wow,” I said. “That all?”

Beth walked from the dining room to the living room. She opened the coat closet and to my shock she brought out a pillow and a blanket. She threw them to the couch.

“It’s now four-thirty,” she said. “I can’t stomach you walking the streets until the sun comes up. With nothing to eat for breakfast. So you’re going to sleep on the couch. One time offer, Evan.”

“Thanks,” I said.

I heard the creak and groan of every step Beth took as she went upstairs, followed by the popping sound of the floor above me.

What a weird fucking night.

But the night, morning, whatever, it wasn’t over just yet.

I heard a voice behind me….

“Evan…?”

* * *

I stood and turned. “Adena…”

She stood there in black pajama bottoms that were super baggy. She had a white shirt on, tight to her body, showing off parts I never noticed before. Spaghetti straps at the top of the shirt left her shoulders and arms exposed. Her hair was down, messy from sleep. Her face had that sleepy look to it too.

Holyfuckingshit.

I blinked, knowing right then, that moment, I was witnessing the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.

“What are you doing here?” Adena asked.

“Had a little chat with your aunt.”

“What?”

“Don’t ask. Long night. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I was going to get a glass of milk. Sometimes I can’t sleep. So I drink a little warm milk. Aunt Beth taught me that trick.”

“I’ll have some,” I said.

I hated milk. And warm milk? That shit sounded gross.

“Are you holding a juice box?”

“Oh. That. Yeah. I, uh, asked Beth for a beer and she gave me this.”

Adena laughed. “I…” She pointed to the kitchen.

She walked by me.

My eyes couldn’t look away.

I put the stupid fucking juice box down on the table. And I covered my mouth with my hand.

I never felt this way around a girl before. Not like this. This was like someone slammed a wrecking ball into my stomach.

And it got worse.

Adena opened the cabinet and reached for two glasses. When she did, her white shirt pulled up. Just showing a few inches of bare skin was enough that I had to sit down.

She might have been talking to me but I didn’t hear a thing. All I heard was my heart pounding in my chest and echoing in my head. I felt like I was going to pass out.

What the hell was this feeling?

I’d figure it out later in life… that was the feeling of falling in love.